Most of what I write is aimed at trying to move a “blah” relationship towards a good one. Sometimes couples just get stuck into a rut of low energy with each other and all it takes is a few changes and a little more effort and things can take off again for them. For the most part I assume that cheating and/or sexless marriages aren’t the critical issues of the average reader. If you’re having sex 1-2 times a week, it’s much easier to get that up to the 3-5 times a week range than get a “we never have sex” problem to even once a week.
I’ve had a number of emails from men where the issue is he wants any form of sex and needs it to feel emotionally connected. But she feels emotionally disconnected and needs to feel connected to feel like having sex. So it’s an impasse, and one that may have lasted for several years. So there’s a cycle of negative interaction and someone, or ideally both of them needs to make the decision to go do something a little out of their comfort zone and start giving what the other half of the couple needs.
For the husband in these sorts of scenarios, there are a multitude of possible ways to seek greater emotional connection with her; texting, phone calls, emails, actively listening to her, assisting with chores together, chatting, hugs, kisses, backrubs, flowers, cards, silly gifts, and on and on and on. It’s a multitude of little efforts he can do.
But for the wife in this scenario, she’s got to offer up just one thing… and in a sexless marriage it’s a single huge event that no matter how good she is in bed simply won’t full up the gaping hole in a husband’s heart after over a year without sex. So they tend to be very avoidant of actually ever having sex and wait for the “mood” to kick in. Waiting for the mood has been the strategy for the last few years and it’s failed. The mood never does kick in. Rather than waiting for the good sex to “just happen”, just settle for something far easier to achieve that can act as a confidence builder for her.
I’m talking about handjobs. Specifically I’m talking her giving him regularly scheduled handjobs.
She doesn’t need to be sexually aroused to give him one.
She doesn’t need to worry about whether or not she will reach orgasm.
It can be fairly time efficient.
It will give him a sexual release and relax him.
It is vastly more enjoyable sex to be given a handjob than to masturbate for him.
She doesn’t need to worry about how she looks / fitness and can even do it fully dressed.
It’s a sexual skill that will improve over time and she can become good at.
It doesn’t hurt her.
It’s not all that messy. (Well… maybe that first time will be a doozy… wear a raincoat!)
Giving a handjob does not require her to feel “in the mood” before she can start giving one.
It provides her an opportunity to watch him experience pleasure given by her.
It relieves that gnawing feeling inside that she is not meeting his sexual needs.
When a man has an orgasm with a woman it releases hormones that make him want to cuddle and bond to her more.
I would think that two or three times a week would be a good starting point for this. Just do it and push your comfort zone back a bit and see how that changes things over a few months practice. He should be much calmer and more relaxed with things for having a regular sexual release and happier with everything in general. That’s going to result in him reacting to her better throughout the day. (Work with me here guys, react better to her during the day!) That should cycle around and around into better interactions together.
My very strong hunch is that eventually her mood is going to start kicking in. Handjob night is going to roll around one day and as she grabs the lotion she’s going to realize that she’s actually a little horny tonight and wants something herself. Then they can kick it up a notch that night. Maybe next time is still just a handjob, maybe, maybe not.
Seriously… 10 minutes a pop, three times a week, equals 30 minutes of effort a week. I figure if a wife can’t be bothered to expend 30 minutes a week on the one thing her husband wants from a marriage… well… well counseling sessions just seem like they would be costing them both out of half of whatever money is left after the attorneys have their cut.
Seriously ladies, just touch him on the penis.