Don’t Facilitate Her Affair

Reader question…

I am 36, she 34, married for 12 years, have 2 kids. I am pretty alpha, but well balanced with beta. My alphaness has fallen in the last couple of years, but not below the “acceptable” level. Basically, this is the situation:

She has been on a total hotness kick and has succeeded. she is getting lots of attention from other men, including the 25 year old bodybuilders I hang out with. This is making her VERY sexual and VERY confident. This sexuality and confidence are new to her, she is waking up from the Mother/wife role and into the hot woman role. She is not cheating on me at this point, but it is only a matter of time and opportunity. She has her eye on one guy, a 25 year old “super-alpha” with mad game.

Over this past weekend, our sex went wild. She has always been sexually reserved and this week she wanted it everyday and talking VERY dirty. Mentioned spicing it up and floated a trial balloon about me “spicing it up” with another woman. I interpreted this as a back door suggestion to see if I would reciprocate. I threw it back on her and she is indeed interested in sex with another guy. She won’t say who, but I am sure it is “super-alpha” because she “innocently” brought him up 5 or 6 times over the weekend and got a babysitter for Thursday so she could come to bowling night where he will be and Facebook messaged him that she had. He would not try to steal her away, but would definitely hit it a few times.

Thats pretty much where I am, looking at all the options. scared and excited, nervous and horny. Any input would be GREATLY appreciated.

I would think you need to nip this in the bud asap. I’ve covered a lot of this ground on The Hot Wife Fantasy post a few days back. She’s excited sexually because she’s really into the fantasy of sex with Mr. Super-Alpha. Which is understandable on some levels, but would badly damage the marriage of course. I would think you need to have a sit down talk with her that you can see she is sexually turned on, but that if she does anything with him you will file for divorce. Her sexual interest is normal though, I wouldn’t shame her for that, just she can’t act on it without you bringing severe consequences to bear.

You being horny is a natural response to her increased sexuality and as a sperm wars competition thing. It’s a normal reaction, but clearly you don’t want her to sleep with him.

Also “Alpha” is relative. If you’re hanging with a super alpha, he’s the Alpha Male of the Group. Which makes you a beta relative to him. Not good. You both need to break off contact with these guys. The point of contact of them and your wife is you, so you’re creating the environment that cheating can happen in. You’re facilitating the other man getting to your wife.

The Facebook connection is very worrying, there’s no reason she should be messaging him and setting up babysitting to be with him. I’d expect that he has been purposely working on her behind the scenes for a while. He’s probably been talking him “up” and talking you “down” to her for weeks. You say you don’t think he wants to steal her, just tap it a few times…. dude that is going to steal her from you. He’s simply not your friend.

I don’t think bowling on Thursday is a good idea. Suggest an alternate plan for the two of you. Anything would be better.

I don’t believe she has cheated yet either. But you must take direct action now to ensure that the door you have opened is shut.


  1. Anonymous says

    Yeah, real alpha, hanging out with dudes 10 years younger that are probably a lot more jacked than you too. Get some friends your own age.

  2. Anonymous says

    Good grief Dude, you sound like a glutton for punishment. Drop the friendship with the horndog, and alpha up to your wife. And tell the wife to start showing some respect.

  3. Anonymous says


    Cut this guy from your life, and stamp down hard on that possibility, As Athol said Alpha is relative and by taking charge in this way you are being more Alpha.

    Remember, she is your wife you have the advantage on the home field, for the moment at least, use it and don't give it to him.


  4. Anonymous says

    I'd suggest amping up your own alphaness for the long run. But for now she needs to have her hands full with you. Tap her 'til she drops and can't find the energy to think of another guy.

    I have been that second man in the past. The guy was an old friend from high-school that I hadn't seen for years. We started hanging out at his place and obviously his girl was there too. I might have noticed some slight interest from her side and I did compliment her on some occasions, but I wouldn't say I was chasing her or anything.
    One evening we were watching a movie or something on tv, which changed into porn after the movie was done. I don't remember if they changed channels or whatever… but the couple kept on watching, which was slightly awkward, but being an open minded guy I figured "what the hell", until suddenly the girl bends over, opens my fly and starts blowing me with my friend sitting on her other side.
    I was totally taken by surprise, look over at the guy with a "what the f*ck?" kind of expression and he kind of gives me the "OK" sign.
    Turned out my stamina way outranked my friend's, so I kept on going and going while he retreated to play some pc-game. I now realize I way outranked him on the alpha-scale in that point.
    In any case, they seemed to take this new arrangement for granted so the next couple of times I visited them was a variation on this scenario. When I left to go home, the girl would walk me out by herself and do some more cuddling before I went out the door. She was obviously taken in with me.

    For the benefit of my friend I decided to stay away and cut almost all contact. Last I heard they stayed together for another year or so, but ended up breaking up. I never contacted him again so I don't really know the reason for them breaking up, but when your girl is falling for someone else with whom she has slept, you know it spells trouble.

    So even if the second guy in the picture has good intentions or has no intentions of breaking you up, in my opinion it is a natural result.


  5. Athol Kay says

    That's an excellent advisory tale Fred.

    I'm not sure there's anything more Beta than playing PC games while someone else does your girlfriend. OMG lol what was he thinking.

  6. Anonymous says

    Well, in his defense, I could have probably gone all night without coming. (A skill I have since lost and hope to somehow get back. :P ) I imagine he just got exhausted and bored. :)


  7. Anonymous says

    I apologize for complaining…

    But it seems as if this blog has turned into 'The Cheating Wife' blog. Is there no other topic of interest out there?

  8. elhaf says

    Man, what are you thinking? Is it, "Hey, I might get some hot action on the side without the guilt, because it's just payback"? If you want sex with another woman, divorce the one you're with and move on. It is what will happen very quickly in any case. Otherwise, treat this as the threat it is and make no bones about it.

  9. Athol Kay says

    It's not really the Cheating Wife Blog Anon. Some topics come up for a season and then move on to others. I've been asked these questions repeatedly in the last few weeks so I covered them.

    It's a very Beta problem to have other men moving in on your wife. The reality is very few men have any compulsion anymore about not wrecking your marriage just to get a handful of sex acts from your wife.

    This is just very practical marriage defense.

  10. Novaseeker says

    Great response, Athol.

    This guy is already on very thin ice. The wife wants another guy, and badly. My guess is that the hotness campaign was also motivated by a more general desire to see what she could pull, and when she saw what the results were, she began to get very antsy sexually.

    I agree that he has to clamp down on the situation, cut the contacts off, cancel the bowling, and up the alpha ante. It may still not be enough (by this point she may be already too far down the path to "needing" sex with someone else to agree to stop, for example), but she should be forced to make that decision (family and kids vs her need for validation from a strange alpha). If she gets it going with the other guy, the marriage is history — she will sexually bond to him, as the higher alpha, and the husband will be tossed eventually.

  11. Tinderbox says

    I've heard Dr. Laura address this in a similar but even more forceful way. Not only do you sit the wife down and let her know that you won't tolerate this behavior and that she's risking divorce, but really lay out the full consequences: no matter the cost you WILL fight to get full custody of the kids, you WILL get all major assets like the house, both sides of the family WILL know the reason for the divorce, etc. This is a righteous and appropriate display of alpha anger.

    Also, locate a divorce lawyer for yourself now and get the initial ball rolling, but do not tell your wife about it. If things calm down then you won't need the lawyer after all, but if your wife continues with an affair then you'll have to move swiftly and forcefully. Better to be prepared with legal instruments ahead of time than later when you'll be depressed and more tempted to acquiesce to her in a beta attempt to win her back.

    Bottom line: be on the offensive. If she's going to destroy the marriage and family on a feminine whim then she is the enemy and must be the one to pay dearly.

  12. Tinderbox says

    Interesting that it was described as the wife's "total hotness kick" instead of just a typical makeover or new fitness regimen. Frankly that was the first red flag. Why did she feel the need to suddenly make herself sexually hot for other men?

    And it's definitely foolish to have your social circle be composed of buff testosterone-laden men ten years younger.

  13. Trimegistus says

    Play to your strengths: presumably you're richer and smarter than Mr. Stud. On Thursday, announce a sudden change of plan and take her off to the best restaurant in town. Or maybe to some spa for a luxury weekend. Lay on your higher wealth and status like it's chocolate frosting.

    I agree with the others — keep her the hell away from him. But I don't think a "sit down and talk about it" session will help. First, it makes you look solid tin-plated Beta. An Alpha man doesn't beg his wife not to cheat, he tells her he'll murder her lover if she looks at him again. (I exaggerate, of course.)

    I don't think you should acknowledge what's going on at all. Keep it all unspoken. That makes her retreat easier, plus you win some Alpha unconcern points.

    You could also tackle the situation head-on by calling up Mr. Stud and mentioning the murder scenario.

  14. Joe says

    I know this is a alpha/beta theory blog, but you need to see that there is something else going on here.

    Drop all the alpha male stuff (which I think is largely hogwash) and it becomes obvious that your wife simply wants out for personal reasons and her new hotness is simply her just trying to set up a soft landing.

    The entire threesome thing is a honey trap–she's setting you up BIG TIME. I'll wager that if you have a threesome, she'll hit you with divorce papers claiming you were unfaithful and demand full custody and huge alimony? Worse case, she'll claim you forced her into the threesome and threaten rape charges.

    (Then she'll live like a whore off of these hard bodies in a reverse sugar daddy situation.)

    Again, drop the alpha/beta stuff for now and take a long, hard look at your relationship and be really damn honest with yourself. As Tinderbox said, get a lawyer now, because I (we) think you're about to go through hell. (I'd start taping your conversations; put a keylogger on her computer. Dude, you're about to get rolled.)

  15. Joe says

    Thought about this some more:

    She is not cheating on me at this point,

    I'll bet she has. That's what the wild sex was about. It's called over-compensation. It has nothing to do with alpha/beta/omega male–it's basic psychology.

  16. Athol Kay says

    Joe – there's no indication she wants out for personal reasons. She is clearly been working on increasing her sexiness though. That much is obvious.

    She may have already cheated. She may also have been really into the fantasy of screwing this guy though and been actively considering it. At this point it's unknown. It would be sad if did had gone that far already.

  17. Wicked Shawn says

    I get busy and don't have time to read for a little while and look at what happens…….full blown Alpha/Beta Blog.

    Hard to say whether she has cheated yet or not, totally agree on that point. The problem is there are too many unknowns for all of these hypotheses. Are they around these bodybuilders because the couple joined a gym together? Is that what sparked her new amping up of the hotness factor? Is his sexual rank equal to or higher than hers, or is it lesser now that she has increased hers?

    Also, as a woman, I can tell you from post-partum times, a woman's sexual drive and desire are heightened, along with her willingness to try new things, when her confidence rises. Sounds like this woman's confidence has taken a sharp upturn recently.

    While he definitely needs to amp up his level of manhood with her and put some space between her and the younger, hotter guys. He mentioned more than one, most likely, he is focusing on the wrong one. If he is aware of FB messages and she is mentioning this guys name in front of him, he is probably not the ONE.

  18. Anonymous says

    To the reader posing the question –

    You are in a tight spot – I would hate to be in your shoes because you have two kids. I have 3 and have been in a similar position but instead of my wife looking to screw a gym guy – I was treated like crap. What you want is why you read this blog – you want to find a road out of this situation without loosing your marriage and hurting your kids. I think to give advice you need to tell us some more about yourself and family situation -

    1. Does your wife work outside the home?
    2. Is your wife more educated than you are?
    3. What type of physical shape are you in?

    Given that you have kids together – you should be so damn busy with school and every other damn thing that kids require – how is it wifey has time to be bowling or get on a hotness kick – that is unusual with young kids in the house – is she neglecting the kids/do you give her too much?

    There is a lot to write here – if you have gained a ton of weight it could be you just cant get her off like you used to – this happened to me for 2 years. Does your wife want to go out to fancy lounges as opposed to the local pub? IS she sick of you watching football on the weekend?

    The only thing I can say is that when you cancel bowling night she's going to throw a fit – even if you take her to the most expensive restaurant in town – her vagina tingle is going to go away and turn to cunty behavior towards you. If you do goto bowling and alpha male is there – he and your wife will practically conspire in front of you to make you look stupid – your wife will figure you will compete with him. The very fact that you will 'compete' is a sign of weakness. If you go you loose outside of you gunning him down.

    Seriously, this may be one of those nights to pop your own tires and prevent going out at all costs – you are going to have to go balls out and tell your wife to knock it off without seeming desperate or weak. Good luck figuring that shit out – I can already see the exchange:

    You: Jane, we are not going bowling tomorrow night – I do not like the crowd.

    Her: What do you mean, everyone is so nice.

    You: You know damn fucking well what I mean – there are two kids in this house and I pay the bills and I'm not going out with a bunch of 25 year old cads.

    Her: Oh don't be silly, are you intimidated by him?? – [When you get that question when you raise the 25 year old – she is looking subconsciousely to castrate you]

    This is the trick – how do you not look like a wimp. Its wimpy to ask her what she does not like about you anymore. THis may be the time to read her the riot act "Dont fuck with me cause you will loose, etc." Make fun of her for flirting with a 25 year old single male that actually goes bowling – I dont know.

    What I would also say with certainty is that if you have 2 kids in the home and all of a sudden she is talking about bringing another woman home for your – she is looking for another dick. Some women seem to be able to handle swinging and still love their husbands – if she all of sudden seems switched on and brings this up – she is looking for someone to take your place –

    Frankly – you would be better off going to a swing club and sharing as opposed to letting her have this guy –

    Then there's always grabbing a shotgun and going postal – but I dont know how the law treats that where you live. They dont have these problems in Muslim contries by the way ;)

    Your way out of this is going to take time – 6 months or more. Weather its you need a wardrobe chamge, a cultural change at home, you need to loose weight, get better game, etc. – your wife is dancing tango at a higher level than you and now you have to close the gap.

    Good luck!!!!

  19. Anonymous says

    Man, I'm sorry you got yourself into this situation. Yeah, did you see how I worded that? This is going to be a little harsh – but you set the stage for this in some ways by your choice of "friends". Anyway, nothing you can do about that now but you need to cut these dudes out of your life ASAP. You need to can that bowling thing and just get in the car and go somewhere else that night for a surprise romantic date. "Bowling is for little kids." You can say. She will be pissed but you need to make like you are having the time of your life regardless. Now the bad news: I firmly believe she is cheating on you already with this dude so lawyer up. I know you didn't want to hear that and it stinks but I think she is. My wife did the same thing to me. In fact when she was cheating on me, I was clueless, totally, but even dull me began to get the hint when she began to ask me things like "What do you think of so and so?" What? That's whack-o but yeah if she is setting up dates with him (bowling) using you to drive her there (hi Dad) and talking about him all the time. Dude – she's cheating. I'm so sorry. It's going to stink the next year or so but you can make it. On the slight chance she is not I would lay down the law – hard. Alpha/Beta whatever, she is about to blow up your family, harm your kids and F-you moneywise. Now how do think you should handle that kind of imminent threat? Nicely? Softly? No – if your family is faced with that kind of threat from an internal insurgent/double agent time to be a hard ass.

  20. Anonymous says

    To expound on the above, if you discover cheating or think it is imminent or your wife is generally out of control and about to blow up your family:

    1. Her talk of a threesome is a trap. She's testing the waters and if you say "Yeah" then you just released her from any guilt about doing what she is doing or about to do. Big red flag. Gigantic one.
    2. Protect the family money: move half of your cash out of any joint accounts to a new one in your name at another bank. Cancel joint credit cards. Report them lost or stolen if you have to. When the replacement cards come, shred hers. Would kind of make you mad to be paying a credit card bill for a hotel your wife used to be with some other dude right?
    3. You need to work on yourself, physical, mental, appearance, general life success. Unfortunately time is not on your side and a lot of those things can take time and money to do which is always is shorter supply than one would like. If she hasn't cheated this will be good for you and her, if she has, it will make starting your new life easier.
    4. Don't beg or plead, no matter what, and I mean no matter what. You will only be killing any attraction she has left for you.
    5. Get a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Keep this to yourself, always. Just because you talk to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to file, just because you file doesn't mean you have to divorce, just because you divorce doesn't mean you can't reconcile in the future – if YOU choose to do so. Family court is not your friend as Athol has said.
    6. If it comes to divorce, like if you flat out busted her or her behavior is so out of control you need to play that card, I suggest – and this is controversial – that you get a good mutual out of court settlement while her guilt level is high. At some point after she has cheated, and the adultery has blown up in her face, she will get real guilty for awhile. This is a brief window before the rationalization hamster comes back. Use it. Underhanded? No. Only you are capable of making rational decisions for the good of you kids right now. Don't F yourself over further by being Mr. Nice Guy in the divorce. Be nice on the surface but play a hard game behind the scenes.
    7. Forget counseling right now unless it's just for you, it's too late and it's useless to you at this point. If you do go by yourself, keep it to yourself.
    7. Prepare your family (parents, siblings) for the coming storm. DO NOT talk to her family. They will not help you, they are not on your side. They will not believe their sweet daughter has turned into a cock crazy whore. Even if they acknowledge that – they will still think it's all your fault behind your back no matter what they say to your face.
    8. Most important – never go to jail over a woman, don't fight the other dude, do anything dumb, break things, freak out, hit her, etc. If you do, you just killed your custody/visitation rights and you also get the fun of having a criminal record. Women can be replaced. Your kids, your good name, your employment and your clean record cannot.

    It sucks – big time but as much as it sucks – it will start to not suck in about two years. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, or about to possibly deal with this. Never show all your cards – you need to protect your kids and yourself as mission one right now. She isn't going to.

  21. Erik Connell says

    Or better yet get rid of the wife who’s getting on in age and find a much younger bitch who’ll be more easily dominated and whom you can have more kids with.

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