It’s Not Your Job To Cure Their Sexual Dysfunction

Sometimes you meet someone and the connection is instant and special. But there’s a problem, your sex drive is clearly mismatched, or even worse they have serious sexual issues that impede the relationship advancing.
It’s not your job in a dating relationship to cure their sexual dysfunction.
I had a serious relationship in college that…
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Status Report And Asking For Help

I’m at that point with the blog where many bloggers announce that they are cutting back posting, or the season of self exploration is done and they aren’t posting anymore. Or the blog just blinks out of existence like Alderaan at the hands of The Death Star.
The good news is that I’ve largely expected this and started writing with the expectation that the first two years were simply laying the ground work for eventual profitability via completed books and ultimately public speaking / workshops as well. I am agonizingly far behind completing my book though.
Jennifer and I have had a few serious setbacks during the year. For both of us work has been hellish at times (I’ve been at times soloing a three person job assignment!), we have kids, my father has cancer and we had an emergency farewell trip to New Zealand. He’s worsening and death seems like it’s going to be at random as a vital organ decides to fail. July and August I basically just limped through with private little crying jags striking at random. I fixed the crying by eating… and now I really need to get that weight off. (Oh hai! I’m a hypocrite.)
So I’m readjusting here in a few ways. Mostly I write through the week, but I’m going to just try and write the week’s worth of posts on Sunday and schedule them for publication through the week. I have a few regular weekly post ideas I will do as well. Likewise some of my reading of other blogs is going to cut back to a few scheduled times a week rather than poking the feed reader for something new a few times a day. This should open up a clearer schedule to write and finish the first book.
So anyway, some practical ways you can help me out;
1. I’m looking for a group of people to help edit / proof read as I write the book. I’m terrible without a proper deadline and thinking “I have to finish Chapter 5 by Tuesday” to send to the proof reader team would be extremely useful for me. Don’t have to have a blog to offer your services. Email me at Athol(dot)Kay@gmail(dot)com. Obviously you get a free book and mention in the thanks section of the book for this.
2. Reader success stories and questions remain very helpful to me. You are always welcome to send them in. They often save me hours of time trying to think up a topic.
3. If you happen to be on Facebook please friend me there. I post status updates fairly infrequently and my linked posts there tend to be the lighter in tone ones. I won’t be spamming your Facebook. But come publication time “A friend of mine wrote a book!” would be awesome. I’m basically imagining something like this…
I had been keeping my Facebook profile fairly private, but a globally unique name means I am easily found anyway. At the end of the day, I think my “regular guyness” is important in my message. There’s not a fake overly polished online Athol and a crazy offline one. I’m pretty real, just trying to juggle a lot of balls at once. Just like you no doubt.
That’s about it. Now I have to go write and work out…

Breaking Out Of The No Sex Rut In Just 30 Minutes A Week

Most of what I write is aimed at trying to move a “blah” relationship towards a good one. Sometimes couples just get stuck into a rut of low energy with each other and all it takes is a few changes and a little more effort and things can take off again for them. For the most part I assume that cheating and/or sexless marriages aren’t the critical issues of the average reader. If you’re having sex 1-2 times a week, it’s much easier to get that up to the 3-5 times a week range than get a “we never have sex” problem to even once a week.
I’ve had a number of emails from men where the issue is he wants any form of sex and needs it to feel emotionally connected. But she feels emotionally disconnected and needs to feel connected to feel like having sex. So it’s an impasse, and one that may have lasted for several years. So there’s a cycle of negative interaction and someone, or ideally both of them needs to make the decision to go do something a little out of their comfort zone and start giving what the other half of the couple needs.
For the husband in these sorts of scenarios, there are a multitude of possible ways to seek greater emotional connection with her; texting, phone calls, emails, actively listening to her, assisting with chores together, chatting, hugs, kisses, backrubs, flowers, cards, silly gifts, and on and on and on. It’s a multitude of little efforts he can do.
But for the wife in this scenario, she’s got to offer up just one thing… and in a sexless marriage it’s a single huge event that no matter how good she is in bed simply won’t full up the gaping hole in a husband’s heart after over a year without sex. So they tend to be very avoidant of actually ever having sex and wait for the “mood” to kick in. Waiting for the mood has been the strategy for the last few years and it’s failed. The mood never does kick in. Rather than waiting for the good sex to “just happen”, just settle for something far easier to achieve that can act as a confidence builder for her.
I’m talking about handjobs. Specifically I’m talking her giving him regularly scheduled handjobs.
She doesn’t need to be sexually aroused to give him one.
She doesn’t need to worry about whether or not she will reach orgasm.
It can be fairly time efficient.
It will give him a sexual release and relax him.
It is vastly more enjoyable sex to be given a handjob than to masturbate for him.
She doesn’t need to worry about how she looks / fitness and can even do it fully dressed.
It’s a sexual skill that will improve over time and she can become good at.
It doesn’t hurt her.
It’s not all that messy. (Well… maybe that first time will be a doozy… wear a raincoat!)
Giving a handjob does not require her to feel “in the mood” before she can start giving one.
It provides her an opportunity to watch him experience pleasure given by her.
It’s fun.
It relieves that gnawing feeling inside that she is not meeting his sexual needs.
It’s free.
When a man has an orgasm with a woman it releases hormones that make him want to cuddle and bond to her more.
I would think that two or three times a week would be a good starting point for this. Just do it and push your comfort zone back a bit and see how that changes things over a few months practice. He should be much calmer and more relaxed with things for having a regular sexual release and happier with everything in general. That’s going to result in him reacting to her better throughout the day. (Work with me here guys, react better to her during the day!) That should cycle around and around into better interactions together.
 My very strong hunch is that eventually her mood is going to start kicking in. Handjob night is going to roll around one day and as she grabs the lotion she’s going to realize that she’s actually a little horny tonight and wants something herself. Then they can kick it up a notch that night. Maybe next time is still just a handjob, maybe, maybe not.
Seriously… 10 minutes a pop, three times a week, equals 30 minutes of effort a week. I figure if a wife can’t be bothered to expend 30 minutes a week on the one thing her husband wants from a marriage… well… well counseling sessions just seem like they would be costing them both out of half of whatever money is left after the attorneys have their cut.

Me So Hordey

Jennifer’s old college roommate was staying over with us last night and we went out for breakfast this morning. We were walking into the local diner and reaching the door first I held the door open and Jennifer and her roomie walked in ahead of me. As we waited for the waitress to come over and seat us, there was some guy in a mechanics shirt also hovering near the reception. Jennifer was completely unaware of him, but he very clearly looked her over and must have decided that her breasts were her best feature because his gaze returned to languish on them for several seconds…
… then he noticed me, noticing him, noticing her.
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Reader Story: Figured It Out Too Late

A brilliant comment left on Orgasm Self Control And Rough Sex by Confidunce. He did have a blog up, but it appears to have vanished when I went to link to it. This is an important comment in that it also sums up a large part of what I’m trying to do here. My blog isn’t for everyone, and what I advocate isn’t going to work for everyone, but for a decent sized group of people it might just save your marriage. Obviously I want to make some money on this work eventually, but it’s meant to be a win-win proposition for me and the reader.
I definitely got into the Nice Guy / beta spiral with my ex-wife. I didn’t learn until after the divorce about Game, and it kills me. I think it might have saved my marriage.
I stumbled across some emails I wrote her a couple of years ago while searching for an old email at work. It was when we were going through a rough patch (i.e., the marriage), and it was full of “Darling” this and “Baby” that. It made me sick — I nearly caught diabetes from the over-sweetness — but I was basically begging her to quit with the constant negativity and disdain she had for me. I had no idea that I was making it so much worse. How could she respect me as a man — i.e., someone who could protect her and our future children from evildoers — if I couldn’t stand up to her? I honestly think a little bit of firm but controlled anger, and the withdrawal of affection, would have been far more effective than redoubled efforts at affection and sweetness. I thought I was demonstrating strength by showing off my capacity to take whatever she threw at me. But what I was really doing was not defending myself and not demanding that she act like a good wife to me. By the time she left, she had no respect for me as a man, and thus our sex life was dead. And we’re in our late-20’s.
People reading this will react that Barbara was a bitch, and that’s probably true. But my extreme situation illustrates perfectly the theory David is expounding now. Chasing after a woman with increased sweetness in the face of coldness is pathetic. It’s weak and un-manly. And women are attracted to… men.
It’s easy to judge game as manipulative and misogynistic based on other blogs out there. And just like anything else (religion springs to mind), if taken to extremes it can be quite poisonous. But it works.
The proof is in the pudding.
It really must be be a horrible roller coaster feeling in the pit of your stomach to figure out what you did wrong after the divorce is final. And it’s not that hard to fix things and turn it around from “blahs” to “good” as long as it hasn’t faltered into cheating or she is already start reaching for the divorce card. Even then it’s still possible.
If you know someone that looks like he’s walking the road in the wrong direction and risking it all, tell them about what I’m doing here. And thank you so much for your comment Confidunce.
(And change your moniker! Don’t define yourself based on a failure in the past.)

Sexy Move: Be The Lord Of Play

Girls like to be played with.
I spent some time ruthlessly torturing my youngest daughter with a tickle fight tonight. The loudest and most used word coming from her mouth was “no”. She’d say “no no no no no no no no no no no…” but for half an hour despite her repeated insistence of “no” she never physically broke away from me. If I waited too many seconds in between tickling she’d purposely poke me to tickle her more.
Jennifer played Fun Police with occasionally voiced concerns that it sounded like someone was getting killed over the other side of the room. Playing rough with toddlers is easy and fun seeing you overpower them so easily. But 6th Graders have more bulk and muscle and she’s big enough to actually injure me if she catches me at the wrong angle or hits me full force. So Jennifer is actually right to be concerned that the rough stuff is going to result in injury, which is obviously why I ignored her and kept up the tickling.
Long ago I established the rule with the kids that if we rough house, eventually you’re going to get bonked or hurt and there’s no crying about it or being mad when it happens. I’ve learned that with youngest that “no” means “more” but “stop” means “stop”. It’s like a safe word for her. So it looks pretty rough when we play, but it’s pretty safe and all just a game we play together.
With eldest “no” means “I will hit you full force until you understand what no means”. It’s awkward explaining how I got the bruises in the ER, so I tend to let eldest out of tickle fights fairly quickly. But she’s a lover of putting on a face that everything we parents do is somehow stupid or unamusing. So my game with her is to try and break her frozen face and make her laugh. Mostly I’m just utterly goofy and relentlessly wear her down until she folds up and busts out laughing. On nights where she is especially tired she tends to halfway fall asleep on the couch and not want to get up and head to bed. My solution to this is my patented nature documentary film impression of a mother bear finding her baby bear dead and her heartbreaking attempting to nudge baby bear back to life. Pretending to be mother bear making anguished howls of pain at the discovery of her dead baby, I sound like a badly constipated Chewbacca as I gently headbutt eldest. She can’t hold a straight face and on more than one occasion pretended to fall asleep on the couch to start the game. So anyway… it looks pretty, well… odd… when we play, but it’s all pretty safe and all just a game we play together.
Jennifer hates being tickled. She doesn’t say “no” or “stop” she just looks very tense and pained when I come at her with tickley fingers, so I usually only threaten tickling once in a while. Her response to the mother bear finding dead baby routine was that it wasn’t much of a turn on either. So like I say, only 30% of what you try works sexually.
What does work for her though is gentle teasing. It’s a gentle little ruffle tease, not a hard poke. When I do so she often tells me I’m a bad man and then sort of snuggles into me, or does the faux arm slap thing. Then I tell her she likes me because I’m bad and she snuggles into me a little more, or rolls her eyes and groans… but also smiles. There’s no venom in my teasing, and usually my full attention is focused on her when I tease. After all I can only tease her about something if I’ve been paying attention to her and can catch something she did that was a little silly.  It’s a little one scene play we act out on average once a day. From the outside it likely looks like I really am mean to her, but she keeps stepping up to say her lines and snuggling into me. So despite her protests, her actions says she likes it. So it looks like I’m being a big meanie when we play, but it’s pretty safe and all just a game we play together.
Also playing with the kids draws her attention and interest every time. The louder the squeals of fun the more she likes it. After I was done with youngest I sat on the couch and patted the couch between my legs and sure enough Jennifer came over for her turn with The Lord of Play. We kissed and cuddled and I teased her just a little. She sighed her big fake “I’m pretending that I don’t like this, but I do really like this” sigh. So I whispered in her ear…
“You do like this…. you like this with your vagina”.

Election Night: Having A Beer And Going To Bed

It used to be tempting to stay up and watch the endless news feed on election night. But I figure now that whoever is in the process of being elected today, will probably also be the same people that were actually elected today. I don’t believe me staying up late changes the result.
I think I’ll send Jennifer to get me a beer and we’ll head off to bed.
Though I admit having a beer and going to bed is an ineffective method of social change. Though mainly my social change goal is the right to head to bed with a beer and a woman, so…
… ooooh bring the Reddi-Whip too…

Orgasm Self Control And Rough Sex

Email from a mysterious “Beau Nertaun”.
Dear Athol,
First of all, thank you for enriching my life with a terrific blog. I have been reading it daily for the last six months or so, and I greatly enjoy it. I am not married, but I still know wisdom when I see it. I reckon when I do get around to marriage, it will be better because of your wisdom. So thanks!
I’m writing about your recent article on rough sex (great pic, as usual). I hope I will be able to contribute a little something to the issue of endurance while roughing it, which would be my pleasure after you’ve contributed so much to my understanding of relationships. This is a forte of mine, and a subject on which many men have sought my advice. I won’t go on trying to qualify myself, because I think my four bits of advice will speak for themselves.
1) Practice makes permanent. (Only perfect practice makes perfect.) Every masturbation session is practice, whether you think of it that way or not. Rushing to beat off and get back to your day conditions your whole sexual apparatus to blow a quick load. Bad idea. I recommend keeping an eye on the clock (how many minutes is an individual judgment) to condition yourself for endurance.
2) Self control requires self awareness. From discussing this issue with many men, I gather that most men are not aware of their level of excitement until it’s too late. I advise them to think of their arousal on a 10-scale, where 6 is a usable erection and 10 is the point of no return. Try to stay at 7. If you get to 8, try to bring it back to 7. It feels better to be at 8, and even better to go to 9, but that’s playing with fire. First make sure she’s satisfied, then play around with 8 and 9 all you want.
The point of this framework is to develop awareness. Once that’s developed, you don’t really need to think in terms of numbers–you are just very aware of your level of arousal and thus have better control. But I think the numbers help at first.
3) The breath controls the body. Keeping an even and steady breath helps self control. Combining this with point 2) above is potent. Get to 9, and you might have to pause for a minute to get back to 7. But a retreat from 8 to 7 can be accomplished with deep breath and intense focus (point 4), even while keeping a vigorous pumping full pace.
4) Focus on something. Common advice includes baseball or finances, but I do not recommend this. From my experience, focusing on such unrelated things takes you out of the experience, which reduces your pleasure and hers (women are usually very empathically connected during sex, so she can tell if you’re not fully into it). It also interferes with your self awareness of your state of arousal, which is directly counterproductive to the goal here.
I have a very particular focus that most people won’t relate to, but put in general terms I would say duty. It is my duty, my mission, to satisfy the woman I am with completely. To make her come so hard, so many times, that she is left happily incapacitated. Focus on this mission does not take me out of the experience–obviously, it puts me right in it. But it’s not super arousing either, to think of it as a duty. If anything, it applies a stern introspection against too much arousal too soon. Personally, I find that this keeps me in the experience, allows me fully to enjoy my woman’s excitement, and keeps me from getting too aroused before it’s appropriate.
Visual focus can also make a big difference for us men. I recommend focusing on something nice that keeps you in the experience but doesn’t escalate your excitement too much. For example, her shoulder or her hair, but not her bouncing tits or ass. I mean, it’s awesome to look at all that stuff, but if you start escalating to 8 and 9 you need to look elsewhere.
This advice all pertains to rough sex. Obviously there’s another way to avoid orgasm–you slow down and make love to her instead of fucking her brains out. And women like being made love to, it’s true. But you won’t give a girl mind-blowing orgasms by making slow love to her (except, of course, insofar as making slow love to her primes her for a serious orgasm once you get vigorous).
This advice also all pertains to self control. Self control is obviously not enough all by itself–it is but one necessary ingredient. Callous pumping like a porn star won’t get girls off (Exhibit A to why I hate porn). Jerky hip movements like an average white guy won’t get many girls off either. There’s a reason that most girls never come from straight sex, and the reason is sure as hell not that they can’t. But self control is a bottle neck for a lot of people.
There it is–my self-control advice in a nutshell! I hope you find it useful, and you can of course post any or all of this if you like. Thanks again for your great work!
P.S. On the off chance you mention me, please substitute “Beau Nertaun” for my name! I’m in a conservative profession =)
The only thing I disagree with is the idea that all women can orgasm from vaginal intercourse, many simply can’t. I am very familiar with the sense of “I can coast on an 8 forever” and pushing up to 9 and 10 is at will for the most part. Sometimes if stimulation goes on too long finding the exact stimulation to get to orgasm is difficult though. Usually I switch to a highly stimulating position then.
I think one of the most important things with self control is physical fitness. I suspect that for a cross section of men their body just decides to get the exertion of sex over as quickly as possible. Plus the concern in my prior post that if it’s been a long time since last sex that there is a natural desire to ejaculate faster than you may have limited control over.
Thanks for the submission. Much appreciated.

What She Wants

I get the most interesting reader mail some days.

What She Wants, by Craig Van De Walker

What she wants how do you know
What she needs who is to tell
What she says you can’t believe
You can’t ask she will deceive

Thinks she knows but when it’s nigh
Isn’t happy, can’t tell why
Says she wants a man who’s loyal
Does her bidding white knight royal

When he gets there, does his best
Princess treatment never rests
Something’s missing in the mix
Not feeling special “you must fix”

Age-old pattern if you look
Nice guy trod on, bad boy took
Pulled her heartstrings made her swoon
Gave her tingles made her moon

Not on purpose, can’t be helped
Can’t control it, primal felt
Men must truly understand
She needs a leader, be a man

Does not want a needy kid
Head of household, have an edge
Push and pull must be the norm
Always giving, brings her scorn

This takes care and this takes work
Not always nice, sometimes jerk
Balance is the key to all
Go too far and you will fall

Heed my words son let them sit
Think on them, more than a bit
I’m not sure, if you have heard
“To love” young man, is an active verb