Sexy Move: There’s Always Time For Lubrication.

Reader question…

Since I’ve been trying out some of your theories I’ve sometimes managed to get up to 3 times per week, but then I get zip the next and even the week after. I now start realizing this is due to her cycle. But what behaviour / attributes are attractive to her during these 2 week around menstruation?

Another thing is that in 99% of the times I’m taking the initiative. I have no problem doing so, but sometimes it feels like she is obliging me, she doesn’t get turned on enough and it hurts as a result. When I notice this I try focusing on her, but she seems to just wants to get it over with. Recently I just break off the attempt when I notice it. It’s probably a common enough problem, but it’d nice if she’d take the initiative sometimes.

I think I see the problem. But to make things better understood, let’s put on the helmet from the Predator that we just killed with our Alpha Male bare hands and switch the vision and hearing setting to “Female”. It’s the setting after the Thermal and Ultraviolet vision settings. I have no idea why there is a “Female” setting in Predator helmets, just trust me, it’s there.

So anyway, this is how a female would perceive that second paragraph….

Another thing is that in 99% of the times I’m taking the initiative. I have no problem doing so, but sometimes it feels like she is obliging me, she doesn’t get turned on enough and it hurts as a result. When I notice this I try focusing on her, but she seems to just wants to get it over with. Recently I just break off the attempt when I notice it. It’s probably a common enough problem, but it’d nice if she’d take the initiative sometimes.

Magically clear the problem becomes with the “female” viewpoint. In simple behavioral terms, you are trying to gain compliance to a behavior, but you have an aversive consequence to the behavior. In short, she’s being actively trained to dislike sex with you.

Put this another way. Imagine if every time you got a blowjob, your wife gave you a low setting tazer shot to your balls. Pretty soon you would start not wanting to have any more blowjobs. She could ask you repeatedly if you wanted one and you’d be saying “I’m good on blowjobs, thanks very much. No really, I don’t even miss them.” Even if she got rid of the tazer and started offering tazer-less blowjobs, it would probably take you a while to get used to the idea of enjoying a blowjob.

The problem is usually one of simple lubrication. Doctors and nurses shove all sorts of contraptions up vaginas and while they can certainly feel weird, uncomfortable or cold (WARM THAT UP YOU BASTARD), they really should not hurt if they know what they are doing. Obviously if s-c-r-a-p-i-n-g is involved that’s not going to feel good at all, I’m talking vanilla insertion of fingers or equipment. I’ve had a few prostate exams over the years as well and to be honest despite the lack of foreplay have started to enjoy them.

So the basic solution is to make sure she is slippery enough for penetration. You have three basic options for getting her slippery; (1) her vaginal fluids, (2) saliva, (3) artificial lubricants.

Vaginal fluids are the best option here, but in some women they don’t get naturally wet until they are really turned on, and some don’t really lubricate naturally until they orgasm. So that can cause an impasse as they can’t get wet until they orgasm, and can’t orgasm until they are wet. So they say they are very tired and have got to get up early for work in the morning.

Saliva is fine as long as it is being consistently applied, it tends to dry out quickly. So you can give her oral sex just fine, but if you try the lick your fingers and go deal it’s going to be good for about 10 seconds and then that’s it. So one solution is to give her oral sex to orgasm and then she really should be pretty wet and ready for something more.

Artificial lubricants are getting really good. There are dozens to choose from and experiment with. Jennifer and I settled on KY-Liquid a while back, in part because it’s in every supermarket. The huge advantage of lube is that you can go from getting into bed together to her having an orgasm within 5-10 minutes. Most women don’t need to be wildly turned on to enjoy well lubricated fingers making circles on their clitoris, but if you do that long enough it starts to wildly turn them on. I tend not to do very much traditional foreplay, I just get her off as much as she likes.

The other advantage of lube is simple lack of chafing. A night of rough pounding does take it’s toll. A little lube may be the difference between her being ready for something tomorrow night, rather than three days later. And lets not forget the simple delights of the nights where she doesn’t want anything for herself, but doesn’t mind a little KY and me having my fun.


  1. Anonymous says

    Also, got to watch too much lubrication or there will be no stimulating internal friction that is part of the good feeling sensation of having him inside of you.

  2. Anonymous says

    Hot wife fantasies
    Hi Athol I have admitted to my wife in the past I would like to see her getting F**ked by other men (bad idea I know),is it ok to tell her why I had these fantasies and or should I just never raise the issue with her again

  3. CSPB says

    The prevalence of circumcision does have unintended consequences. Friction is greatly increased and artificial lubrication is often necessary. Could this contribute to the pain that many women experience? Has this always been true in history? Does the foreskin serve any useful biological purpose? I leave the answers up to each individual.

    It is not PC to point this out. Many will disagree with me, but I'll fall back on the reality that artificial lubrications products seem to me more prevalent in the U.S. than Europe or Australia. I don't know of any studies of this, but often inconvenient truths are not allowed to be researched and documented.

    This delves into the whole circumcision debate, which is best left alone.

  4. Anonymous says

    KY is full of things that sting. Sensitive, easily ripped skin? Try the Good Vibrations house brand. Next one down is something you can get from Blowfish, some silly name about making people happy together. Very San Fran. I forget, but it's good.

    Pre-menopause can make your sex drive tank, regardless of lube. Communication then becomes key… This is a good time to work out alternate things than "everyone has to be having a great time doing long term stuff together" and is a good time for quickies and having her make you happy while you chat or pat her foot or… something to make her feel connected to you.

    Understanding that she'd probably RATHER be lubricated horny girl and that she's not in control of that can get you many places that blaming her for being uninterested in you will not.

  5. Anonymous says

    Be careful with the KY, especially the "warming" version. My wife felt "burning" instead of warming and read on the internet that lots of women don't like it. Try a small amount at first to make sure she's not sensitive to it, otherwise you'll be going backwards.

  6. Athol Kay says

    If KY doesn't work for you/her then don't use it. Keep hunting for something that does work.

    I agree with CPSB that circumcision can cause friction issues during sex.

  7. j says

    This is an awesome post. This describes the first year of frustrating sex to my wife. When wife was ready/I got her in the mood everything went in great.

    BUT on some occasions, (maybe 1/5 time) or on repeated nights I could tell she was dry, bust out the plain ky (really there's no need for the fancy stuff for lubrication) and within in minutes of fingering she's ready for full penetration.

    We had to overcome a "is my body broken because I can't lubricate" issue, but she is a solid convert now. Especially on days she wants it quick on the way out the door to work.

  8. anonymouse says

    I know this is an old post, but I’m poking through, soaking up all the good info. This one however, I feel compelled to comment on…
    Early in our marriage, my first pregnancy sent me into a rather nasty spiral of a wicked little skin condition that made sex extremely painful. I can’t tell you how bad it was, but it could have easily ended our marriage if hubby hadn’t been as much of a beta as he was at the time. So it had it’s good and bad sides there ;)
    Anyway… we tried a lot of different lubes over the years, just trying to make it so I wasn’t crying in pain when he looked at me and got me all riled up, and the honest to goodness best thing that has ever worked and NOT caused any crazy reactions… coconut oil. Plain old coconut oil. I like the stuff from Spectrum that you get at the grocery store, for about $8 a pint. No coconut smell… haven’t tried tasting it directly, although it makes for some insanely good home cooked popcorn… it is perfect for personal applications though. Staves off yeast infections (for both parties), is 100% natural (I think I know maybe one person allergic to it), and washes out extremely easily too. I thought I’d toss that out there for others who might be looking for something natural to help with that. A few friends have mentioned adding a drop or two of peppermint oil to the coconut oil for some tingly pleasure, but I have not tried this. I’ve been in remission for a good 9 years now, and I am not willing to risk going back just to play around. Coconut oil is pretty much my only option at this point, but it’s a very, very good one.

  9. Angeline says

    Got to this post from the link in the comments on the “Waited 2 Years” post, and this is the answer to why I sometimes resisted sex with my former spouse. He was circumcised, large, and too rushed most of the time, and it often hurt. He’d do a slap-dash job of applying some saliva, but that would last for seconds, and it was downright painful in a hurry. We gradually figured out that if I came first (lightbulb!), he could not only not worry about hurting me, but could be much rougher. KY stings me like the dickens, and I associate it with OB-GYN exams. If we’d ever realized there was such a thing as lube, or had the internet to find out things such as ‘reactive response’, we’d have had a lot more fun. We also had the hangup that me not being all wet meant I wasn’t turned on, even though it doesn’t take me long to get to ‘soak the bed’ lubricated, *IF* I don’t start out anxious and dry. If we’d realized it was normal for women to have to get in the mood, that would have helped, too. The man I’m with now is uncircumcized (lots more sensation and soft lovely skin rubbing the right places, which I have long suspected plays a part in western and American womens’ lower orgasm numbers), and he’s also much better at teasing and cajoling and puttiing the idea in my head before we ever get to the bedroom, which just jump-starts the whole thing. I was also the higher desire partner in my marriage, by a long shot, so it was especially disappointing to not be able to get out of the gate when I finally got the chance.

    I think any thinking person realizes and feels guilt about not always being into having sex, but I don’t think I can really convey to guys that it’s just pleasant rubbing unless she gets off, too. If the situation was reversed, men would be the reluctant ones. I just had this same conversation the other night – what he’s given me is a whole new outlook on sex. It has been life-changing to have sex on a *regular basis* with someone who can get me off every time. The past combination (with my ex) of long droughts (which lowers the overall libido and need for sex), combined with occasionally quite painful sex, guaranteed we’d have trouble. Lube! What a concept. And still not promoted enough as a healthy, normal aid to sex.

    If more men would look towards tending to these issues, I think they’d have more success than immediately going to the “she’s unwilling to give up power.” Maybe she’s just never gotten a really good, reliable, fun schtupping.

    Thanks for the tip on coconut oil, anonymouse. As I move into the menopause years, it’s nice to know there are some options to the commercial lubes should it become necessary.

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