The Hot Wife Fantasy

Anonymous said…
Hot wife fantasies
Hi Athol I have admitted to my wife in the past I would like to see her getting F**ked by other men (bad idea I know),is it ok to tell her why I had these fantasies and or should I just never raise the issue with her again

I’ve been meaning to get to this topic for a while, so this is a longer reply that just the initial question. The issue is to separate the fantasy of it and the reality of it.

Many men experience the idea of their wife having sex with another man as both threatening and stressful, but also somewhat arousing as well. It’s an intense physical and emotional state.

I think the sense of threat and stress is easily understood by most people, but the sexual arousal is not. The source of the sexual arousal comes from the natural sperm warfare reaction. If another man is putting sperm into your wife’s vagina, one very biological method of trying to ensure that his sperm does not impregnate her is to flood her vagina with your own sperm. The human penis is also designed to work as a suction pump when thrust in and out of a vagina as well. So having watched another man ejaculate into your wife, the immediate best reaction to seek to avoid her getting pregnant to him, is to put your penis into her and vigorously have sex and pump his out. Plus of course dump a large as possible volume of your own semen into her. Hence the huge sense of being turned on. Even when used as a fantasy the sense of “cumming unusually hard” is experienced.

Another element of is the aspect of cultural training that the whole Hot Wife thing is sexy. There are a number of magazines and porn lines that are devoted to the Hot Wife fantasy. If you discover that you can be turned on by this scenario, there’s nearly limitless porn to support your interest. The porn supplies the turn on factor, minus the threat of her leaving, so it’s enjoyable as a turn on. It’s like chocolate cake with the calories removed.

Even general porn use can create some of this interest. You’re typically watching a boy-girl sex scene as an observer and being turned on. There’s a voyeuristic aspect to that and watching your wife and another man is a safer route to experiencing being a voyeur than peering into the bedroom windows of your neighbors. Plus your wife is generally a favorite sexual person, so it’s a little like seeing your favorite porn star doing porn in person. For men it’s a very strong visual.

If you find this thing a turn on and basically indulge the fantasy and masturbate to it, or indulge the fantasy with talk etc when having sex with your wife, you can establish a greater and greater interest and response to the fantasy. You can effectively train yourself to be responsive to the idea of another man with your wife.

Then the next step is to float the idea to your wife and try and convince her to come on board with it. Most wives are extremely resistant to it at first, in part suspecting a trick in that he wants a pass to have sex with other women, not trusting that he can handle it, not wanting sex with other men anyway or just generally fearing disease or the destruction of the marriage as a result. But assuming she can be convinced and they agree to try it, here are some potential endgames.

One: She finally does it with someone and the husband utterly flips out. I have read a few times where the husband has literally pleaded with the wife for years to do this, and on the very first occasion it happens he ends up filing for divorce in the aftermath. Once he sees her in the throes of passion under some guy, it’s just over. He can never look at her the same again. Reality bites hard sometimes.

Two: It’s all good fun and they both enjoy it, or they try it and don’t like it. But forever whatever reason, they eventually decide to stop doing it and revert to normal monogamy. That may be an easy or hard decision, or one may want to stop and the other continue but they abide by the will of the other. In short, it just stops as an activity.

Three: The wife really likes it… as in really likes it. Husband asks her to stop and she refuses. The marriage stays intact, but only because the husband cannot muster up the strength to leave. If you’re reading Penthouse Letters, the wife also gets pregnant as the cliffhanger to the story.

Four: It’s good fun for both of them and it’s going great. But then at some point the wife starts attaching to someone else and the husband is very quickly on the outside looking in. She leaves the husband either completely or in spirit. Could be the 1st guy she does, could be the 10th.

All four options play out to the same potential conclusions as cheating does, the only difference being the consent of the husband to the sex with other men. Consent does make the stopping and moving on ahead together much easier than if she had cheated. About half the drama of cheating hurting the cheated on spouse is the deceit as much as the actual sex acts. I just note the similarity of eventual outcomes.

So I tend to think of the whole Hot Wife experience as a very exciting sexual roller coaster ride, but one that can have a very concerning end. The good ending option as I see it is simply that the couple decides not to ride the roller coaster again. The bad endings are all very bad for the husband.

If you encourage your wife to sleep with a guy that has a significantly better Sex Rank than yours, it’s not up to you whether or not she stays your wife. It’s up to him and her.

The other major concern I have with the whole Hot Wife thing is that expressing interest in your wife sleeping with other men is a major display of weakness. It’s very different than the mutual aspect of swinging for example where it’s “we’ll both get some extra and it will be fun”, though the potential endgame options for swinging are much the same as for Hot Wife with the added complexity that the husband may attach to a female partner. So by telling her she can get a better guy than you to have sex with, it’s actually degrading you in her eyes.

If you’re a male 7 married to a female 7, it’s very easy to get her to sleep with someone else, just verbally degrade yourself to a 5 and find a male 8 or 9 that’s up for easy sex and promise you will hold a job and stay with her. I suspect part of the resistance by wives to doing the Hot Wife thing is that they actually like and have some respect for their husbands. They only fold and agree to it after the husband has convinced them he’s not hot and she is. That he’s not actually worthy of her respect. Just a hunch.

So there’s a mixture of turn on and danger with this lifestyle choice. I don’t deny the power of it to turn men on – that after all has very sound evolutionary psychology underpinnings. But the gamble is your long term relationship or marriage for a few nights of special thrills. And like Pandora’s Box, once this is opened up as an activity in a relationship, it’s very very hard to close it again. You’ve established precedent that it’s ok.

My advice for the reader asking the question is fairly simple. If you’re using porn that has the whole Hot Wife thing, I’d suggest stopping it. Just accept that the turn on is biologically based and a normal response to something that is properly viewed as a threat to you. You’re not weird, but this isn’t something you have to explore to be sexually happy either. If your fantasy is some hot guy banging your wife, put the work in at the gym and become your own fantasy. If you are a 7 and she is a 7 and you want to see her sexual reaction to being royally screwed by an 8 or a 9… then become that guy.

I’d also talk to her about it if you’ve floated the idea to her. I’d just frame it as “this was a fantasy that I now understand better. I thought I wanted to see you sleep with a better man, now I understand that I want to be that better man that you sleep with”.  The general concern is that you want to remove from her psyche any lingering idea that you have given sleeping with other men the green light. Otherwise it may just roll around inside her mental hamster cage for a few years before she decides to surprise you with a DVD of “what you’ve always wanted to watch darling” on your birthday…


  1. OFF
    Is the proofreader on holiday? :D

  2. David Collard says:

    I think the best point here is not to be the loser in the scenario. I think a lot of men find it hard to live up to the male role, and there is a temptation to give up and imagine your wife being stolen by a better man, or becoming feminine instead of masculine. It is – or should be – just a fleeting idea that you combat by becoming a better husband and man. I mean more masculine.

    I think men are meant to be happy as men, and women as women. Moments of weakness and the odd perverse idea are meant to be ignored, not fed with pornography. What you don't want is for a fleeting fantasy to end up in a reality that involves, say, bending over to receive a strap-on!

  3. I think this is much more a western perversion based on the power relationships between the sexes. I'm eastern european and I can't imagine the average eastern european husband considering this kind of abomination. Men are weak in the west and its being played out in their sexual fantasies. This is just a weakness fantasy.

  4. This is just an editing point — feel free to delete this comment.

    In "You've established president that it's ok", 'president' should be 'precedent'.


  5. Proofreader was sleepy lol.

  6. Agree with comments suggesting this is largely a Western fantasy. I simply explain the biological underpinnings and point to the exit strategy.

  7. Thanks,
    Yeah I admit it's all about starting to work on myself,thats why I'm here reading and asking.
    I know it's a bad idea,I admit I also wanted to get 2 women into bed .But I'm not going there.

  8. Not sure about the competing sperm theory.

    My hubby and I sometimes swing and have discussed why.

    We both find that during sexual pleasure you reveal the most intimate side of yourself. My husband told me that looking at me going at it with another man (or woman for that matter) he sees me in a difference perspective, sees my most intimate from further away.

    And of course there's always the seduction of the "forbidden". In our culture, such behaviour (having sex with another partner) is not allowed, and we all know the forbidden is always exciting.

  9. The sexual competition theory of swinging was floated in Terry Gould's book "The Lifestyle" whih=ch I think I read about 12 years ago. The sperm warfare aspect is just introductory evolutionary psychology and there's really not much question of it.

    I don't disagree that swinging is enjoyable and an erotic thrill. There are just risks as I'm sure as you are aware. Every swinger website for example covers the jealously angle heavily.

    I'm not sure swinging is really all that forbidden anyway.

  10. During our last big argument, my wife said; "you want me to have sex with another man while you watch and I'm not into that."

    My jaw hit the floor and I gave the witty comeback; "Huh?" Shortly followed by, "what the hell are you talking about?"

    The only thing I can think of is that on a rare occasion, we'd watched some amateur porn that had a swinger scene. My wife said she couldn't handle seeing me with another woman, I said it wouldn't bother me seeing her with another man if I was with another woman. It was a light-hearted exchange with no acrimony and hot sex afterward.

  11. Anon 6:33 – hence my parting warning about what you feed the Rationalization Hamster lol.

    What's scary is she'd probably been bottling that up inside for months…

  12. I know that fantasie, best avoided IMO, it could have happened with a friend of mine everyone was in the right head space for it to happen, but my alarm bells went off in a big way and I overrode my dick that time.

    As it happens the now X friend had been plotting to take my wife away from me, not that he would have succeed, but found out later he had been majorly poisoning the well behind my back.

    Avoid that one like the plague guys,


  13. Excellent comment Firelord. There's always a serious risk with a friend doing that.

  14. If the kink is more like what Sarah describes in that the husband just wants to see his wife in a state of pleasure from a distance, I wonder if this couldn't be accomplished in a simpler way. Such as having sex in front of a large mirror, or videotaping yourselves. Videotaping in such a way that the husband's face is not visible, thereby suggesting it could be someone else when he views it.

    That seems much safer than actually indulging a Hot Wife fantasy with a third party from outside the marriage. Of course you'd have to convince your wife to be in front of a camera, but that could hit her own exhibitionist fantasies as well without any of the worry of the husband losing his sexual status or rank for suggesting another man be with her.

  15. Excellent suggestions Tinderbox. Why the heck didn't I think of that?

  16. I have some theories about this fantasy.

    1) The male wants to validate his physical tastes. If someone else wants to sleep with his wife, she must be hot.

    2) That this is actually the secondary fantasy with the primary being that after sex, the woman throws herself at her husband and admits he was better in bed after all.

    I believe many women have a similar fantasy with romance.

    3) The man is trying to get rid of his wife and this is one way to do it. Beyond the obvious of the wife running off with the guy, it's that she breaks the rules and sleeps with another guy alone.

    4) In relationships with high libido differences, swinging may be a last ditch attempt by the lower libido partner to retain the higher. Frankly, it's not a bad strategy historically, but depends on societal pressures about not divorcing which don't exist today.

  17. Meh. I think anon at 6:39 nailed it. "I admit I also wanted to get 2 women into bed." HotWife is just a passive-aggressive version of this.

  18. Novaseeker says:

    If the idea is to float this as a way of getting two women into bed, it's a very risky way to do it.

    It all has to do with sex rank, but keep in mind that if you and your wife are both SMV 7s, your wife has sex access to SMV 8-10 men in an "open" context. Your access won't be to 8-10 women. You're generally running a big risk that your wife will bond to a guy with a higher SMV than you have, and you will be relegated — either de facto, as in she stays married to you but has "permanent hot wife status" and generally only has sex with her higher-SMV-than-you paramours and not you, or de jure, as in she divorces you, period. Opening yourself up to that risk is a serious matter if you are married — it's not an unserious risk. There are numberous instances of women who have entered this arrangement with some hesitation at the request of husband (perhaps because he wanted access to another woman) only to find that they like it a lot, prefer sex with the other men to their husband, and become a "permanent hot wife" at best. If you want to become a cuckold in real life, go for it, but the reality is that if your wife acquires a superior lover in the process, most of the time you're going to get canned, either fully (divorce) or de facto (sexually exiled by your wife and her higher SMV lover).

    Bad news all around. If you have this fantasy persistently, you should work on your self-esteem and what might be causing it to drag. I also agree with the comment that this fantasy is a disempowerment fantasy and, like femdom, is becoming very popular in Western porn due to the perception (reality?) many men in the West feel in terms of lacking power vis-a-vis women in general, including their wives. Bad news.

  19. I am going to state a reality and very important point that most men who read or watch this lifestyle choice don’t understand but relate to biologically. The author of this article knows it and why he heeds such warning. The couples who are truly able to do this have very strong communication skills, trust, and acceptance of each other already, thus eliminating the “how do I approach my wife” FLAG and miss interpretations. Both the husband and the wife have a very clear understanding of the heighten state of emotion just as you would role play or bitting. In no way is infidelity the basis or original concept used either. Finally the most important the fact almost all the stories and the forums are just the husband’s perspectives and inquires. Thats because if you come across a true successful lifestyle couple online or in person you will find both their names and participation with it. They pursued it together as one and not the husband “feeding the hamster wheel of doom”. Sorry just had to use it liked it to much. The author is %100 right that most men truly do not have a full understanding of their wives potential just because its not present in their life. Thank you

  20. I have absolutely fallen victim to this fantasy, and must say that I find the author here to be quite insightful. Many of the key points addressed are mindsets and behaviors I know quite well. I think I may actually understand myself a little better having read this. I’m not exactly sure how to go from the mindset of the hotwife fantasy is the best thing ever, to it does nothing for me, but I will start by trying harder to be that alpha male “bull” type. My wife and I have actually followed through with the act on a few occasions, and very rarely did it end up all good in the morning. Thanks for this article.

  21. It has it’s risks but it can be an incredibly hot part of a marriage. We have been doing the hotwife/cuckold thing for over 10 years and it’s made our sex life incredibly hot.

    Watching my wife with another man is one of the hottest things I can see. The emotions are all over the place, jealous, aroused, excited. The next level, letting her go on dates or overnight stays with a another man add an entirely new level to it.

    It requires an incredibly strong marriage (which we have) and tons of communication to work.

    Not for everyone, but our situation has been incredibly fun and hot, and we have had a lot of experience. A couple times not so fun, but so many have been amazing.

  22. islandguy says:

    Wow was reading this timely. My kudos to both the author and many of the comments posted here, although some were head scratchers…
    Having broached this subject with my spouse of 8 years, but not having actually acted on it in any physical way, I have a few questions for the readers and the author:
    1. How is the whole sperm warfare thing explained if I (the husband) am vasectomized? Its still just as arousing but obviously it wouldn’t be much of a competition if the other side doesn’t show up.
    2. Athol suggests that the turn on comes from the idea of competing, an alpha male trait, and then suggests later that its a manifestation of weakness or passivity, a beta male trait. Which is it?
    3. In my case my wife is one of those classic wallflower types, is in her early 40’s (kids all out of the house) and is an absolute stunner. She is getting attention from men of all types, ages, careers, etc.. and I have simply encouraged her to enjoy it, she has earned it. So she began texting a young outdoorsy type male that we met hiking who is about 30 years younger than I. At first it really supercharged our sex life but recently she has become very preoccupied with the possibility of having a threesome. We are at a crossroads with this and have simply agreed to put it way down the road and work on channeling the energy into our relationship and other endeavors, then see later if it’s still as compelling. But my sense is something has already changed and all my alarms are going off. I am enjoying the energy and her happiness but I also want to stay married to her. Thoughts?

  23. Islandguy: First thing thank you for posting. I to have previously posted and good to see this is a place for respectful people. As to the sperm warfare question it still does apply whether it’s blanks or not. Yes it’s scientifically true but in this context it’s about the psycology of it. It’s about one of many reasons why you feel excited or have this fantasy. As to your alpha question it’s not that easy to answer. There are so many variables involved based on the very decision you and your wife make as “rules” or ultimately what SHE decides. This is the very slippery point that truly tests her and whether or not it manifests into a role you did not want. You already know this and why the bells and alarms are going off. Pandoras Box has been opened and only your wife knows if she has crossed the “event horizon” of making this a reality. I truly hope you that you both taking pause on this idea is of equal motives. Something tells me and you that her pause came because she was faced with a split moment decision already. Your very actions and decisions of her doing this are soley upon you. If you role play, bring up, or anything to do with this idea you will remove that last little bit of hesitation she has. If you already think you have your only choice is to immediately take the alpha in charge role of who, when, how experience that is going to happen eventually anyway. Communication communication communication is VITAL and make sure you are accepting of what ever she says or feels. The reality is the amount of control or influence you have on her decisions and actions is not in your control. But only guided and limited by her respect of you.

  24. Island guy: I am not discouraging or encouraging this lifestyle. Many people do not understand the greatness and extreme bond that can be accomplished in this lifestyle. People who are able to do this without failure are very intelligent, analytical, and extremely secure in their relationship. Communication between the husband and wife can’t be said enough of its absolute most important aspect to a life changing event. There is no and will be no undoing. Also do not force a threesome it must happen on it’s own when the opportunity presents it’s self. And make sure whom ever is the first truly understands and respects it’s about you both and your relationship. Your choice should only have the motive to help you guys have this experience in the most positive way. This will also set the tone and bar for the types of individuals of future. You must be given the respect and obedience of the other to keep your alpha role.

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