Hi Athol I have admitted to my wife in the past I would like to see her getting F**ked by other men (bad idea I know),is it ok to tell her why I had these fantasies and or should I just never raise the issue with her again
I’ve been meaning to get to this topic for a while, so this is a longer reply that just the initial question. The issue is to separate the fantasy of it and the reality of it.
Many men experience the idea of their wife having sex with another man as both threatening and stressful, but also somewhat arousing as well. It’s an intense physical and emotional state.
I think the sense of threat and stress is easily understood by most people, but the sexual arousal is not. The source of the sexual arousal comes from the natural sperm warfare reaction. If another man is putting sperm into your wife’s vagina, one very biological method of trying to ensure that his sperm does not impregnate her is to flood her vagina with your own sperm. The human penis is also designed to work as a suction pump when thrust in and out of a vagina as well. So having watched another man ejaculate into your wife, the immediate best reaction to seek to avoid her getting pregnant to him, is to put your penis into her and vigorously have sex and pump his out. Plus of course dump a large as possible volume of your own semen into her. Hence the huge sense of being turned on. Even when used as a fantasy the sense of “cumming unusually hard” is experienced.
Another element of is the aspect of cultural training that the whole Hot Wife thing is sexy. There are a number of magazines and porn lines that are devoted to the Hot Wife fantasy. If you discover that you can be turned on by this scenario, there’s nearly limitless porn to support your interest. The porn supplies the turn on factor, minus the threat of her leaving, so it’s enjoyable as a turn on. It’s like chocolate cake with the calories removed.
Even general porn use can create some of this interest. You’re typically watching a boy-girl sex scene as an observer and being turned on. There’s a voyeuristic aspect to that and watching your wife and another man is a safer route to experiencing being a voyeur than peering into the bedroom windows of your neighbors. Plus your wife is generally a favorite sexual person, so it’s a little like seeing your favorite porn star doing porn in person. For men it’s a very strong visual.
If you find this thing a turn on and basically indulge the fantasy and masturbate to it, or indulge the fantasy with talk etc when having sex with your wife, you can establish a greater and greater interest and response to the fantasy. You can effectively train yourself to be responsive to the idea of another man with your wife.
Then the next step is to float the idea to your wife and try and convince her to come on board with it. Most wives are extremely resistant to it at first, in part suspecting a trick in that he wants a pass to have sex with other women, not trusting that he can handle it, not wanting sex with other men anyway or just generally fearing disease or the destruction of the marriage as a result. But assuming she can be convinced and they agree to try it, here are some potential endgames.
One: She finally does it with someone and the husband utterly flips out. I have read a few times where the husband has literally pleaded with the wife for years to do this, and on the very first occasion it happens he ends up filing for divorce in the aftermath. Once he sees her in the throes of passion under some guy, it’s just over. He can never look at her the same again. Reality bites hard sometimes.
Two: It’s all good fun and they both enjoy it, or they try it and don’t like it. But forever whatever reason, they eventually decide to stop doing it and revert to normal monogamy. That may be an easy or hard decision, or one may want to stop and the other continue but they abide by the will of the other. In short, it just stops as an activity.
Three: The wife really likes it… as in really likes it. Husband asks her to stop and she refuses. The marriage stays intact, but only because the husband cannot muster up the strength to leave. If you’re reading Penthouse Letters, the wife also gets pregnant as the cliffhanger to the story.
Four: It’s good fun for both of them and it’s going great. But then at some point the wife starts attaching to someone else and the husband is very quickly on the outside looking in. She leaves the husband either completely or in spirit. Could be the 1st guy she does, could be the 10th.
All four options play out to the same potential conclusions as cheating does, the only difference being the consent of the husband to the sex with other men. Consent does make the stopping and moving on ahead together much easier than if she had cheated. About half the drama of cheating hurting the cheated on spouse is the deceit as much as the actual sex acts. I just note the similarity of eventual outcomes.
So I tend to think of the whole Hot Wife experience as a very exciting sexual roller coaster ride, but one that can have a very concerning end. The good ending option as I see it is simply that the couple decides not to ride the roller coaster again. The bad endings are all very bad for the husband.
If you encourage your wife to sleep with a guy that has a significantly better Sex Rank than yours, it’s not up to you whether or not she stays your wife. It’s up to him and her.
The other major concern I have with the whole Hot Wife thing is that expressing interest in your wife sleeping with other men is a major display of weakness. It’s very different than the mutual aspect of swinging for example where it’s “we’ll both get some extra and it will be fun”, though the potential endgame options for swinging are much the same as for Hot Wife with the added complexity that the husband may attach to a female partner. So by telling her she can get a better guy than you to have sex with, it’s actually degrading you in her eyes.
If you’re a male 7 married to a female 7, it’s very easy to get her to sleep with someone else, just verbally degrade yourself to a 5 and find a male 8 or 9 that’s up for easy sex and promise you will hold a job and stay with her. I suspect part of the resistance by wives to doing the Hot Wife thing is that they actually like and have some respect for their husbands. They only fold and agree to it after the husband has convinced them he’s not hot and she is. That he’s not actually worthy of her respect. Just a hunch.
So there’s a mixture of turn on and danger with this lifestyle choice. I don’t deny the power of it to turn men on – that after all has very sound evolutionary psychology underpinnings. But the gamble is your long term relationship or marriage for a few nights of special thrills. And like Pandora’s Box, once this is opened up as an activity in a relationship, it’s very very hard to close it again. You’ve established precedent that it’s ok.
My advice for the reader asking the question is fairly simple. If you’re using porn that has the whole Hot Wife thing, I’d suggest stopping it. Just accept that the turn on is biologically based and a normal response to something that is properly viewed as a threat to you. You’re not weird, but this isn’t something you have to explore to be sexually happy either. If your fantasy is some hot guy banging your wife, put the work in at the gym and become your own fantasy. If you are a 7 and she is a 7 and you want to see her sexual reaction to being royally screwed by an 8 or a 9… then become that guy.
I’d also talk to her about it if you’ve floated the idea to her. I’d just frame it as “this was a fantasy that I now understand better. I thought I wanted to see you sleep with a better man, now I understand that I want to be that better man that you sleep with”. The general concern is that you want to remove from her psyche any lingering idea that you have given sleeping with other men the green light. Otherwise it may just roll around inside her mental hamster cage for a few years before she decides to surprise you with a DVD of “what you’ve always wanted to watch darling” on your birthday…