Husband discovers 600 text messages to the same unknown number in a month on the wifes phone bill. Hold that in your head as you read…
Eventually in a marriage your wife is going to do something that crosses the line. That thing might be something major or something minor. It might be crossing the line on something you’ve discussed and agreed on, or something that was a non discussed unwritten rule. Perhaps you weren’t even aware of the rule floating in the back of your mind until she broke the rule and you got angry about it. She can cross the line on purpose or unintentionally. Eventually though, she is just bound to do something that really pisses you off.
The non-Alpha response when she crosses the line is simply to down play it, not respond and internalize the anger. You might express anger but it’s usually framed as a polite request. Or you quietly fume and act out your anger passively. It’s usually pretty ineffective as a strategy in that she’s not really been made to suffer any consequence for her actions. You’re acting less socially dominant than she is and just sucking up her shit like she’s your boss and you’re her employee.
The Alpha response is to go on the offensive and bump back on her behavior and make sure she understands that whatever it was isn’t shouldn’t happen again. There’s a balance between the seriousness of the offense and intention. There’s a world of difference between her having sex with another guy and a few random text messages to a guy about nothing in particular that she told you about. There’s a world of difference between her crashing the car into the closed garage door and tapping a trash can. There’s a world of difference between losing her job for tardiness and being five minutes late for a date. There’s a world of difference between shoplifting and overdue library books. Balance people, balance.
In short, whatever level of disagreement / expression of anger / punishment / sanction call it what you will, it needs to fit the crime.
Unfortunately I keep coming across cases where the husband or boyfriend simply nukes the relationship to instant death over an infraction believing that to be the Alpha response. Plus numerous cases where on reading of a husband that successfully manages a wifely infraction, I read comments calling for him to “kick the bitch out”. The problem is already fixed and commenters are so locked into nuking as a strategy that they can’t see the forest for the trees.
Nuking is really more about revenge than self-preservation. If you come home early and catch her in the act, then sure I can sympathize if you just start the divorce process rolling while she’s putting her clothes back on. Really, I get that. But if you’re doing the same over a few flirty text messages, or frequent Facebook messages, then you’re over reacting if you’re instantly calling for a moving truck. You find out what’s going on first and address what you find. If she continues with unacceptable behavior then you step it up a notch.
It’s like progressive discipline at work. Small warning, larger warning, final warning, thanks for playing.
What I suspect the real problem for a lot of men is that they have so much resentment built up inside them from all the times they allowed themselves be taken advantage of in the past, or genuinely got screwed over by a woman, that they have an element of built in rage that hasn’t been worked through. So when “one little thing” happens ALL the previous rage gets triggered and “kick the bitch out” becomes the battle cry. Then the response can be so dramatic that once your anger simmers way and the dust settles your woman may not have any comfort left in your relationship and she may not want to return anyway.
And lets be clear on this one too – revenge sex, property destruction and physical violence does not solve anything beyond a momentary checking up of her behavior and it causes potentially much larger and more serious problems for you.
And to be fair, your marriage hopefully lasts a very very long time. You’re bound to screw up along the way yourself. Pray her tactic isn’t nuking too. Family court isn’t your friend.
The 600 text messages were to the wifes brother discussing her marital crisis. The couple in question had some other issues going on, but cheating wasn’t one of them. Things are fragile, but improving for them. True story.