I had a reader question essentially along the lines of “why is my husband attracted to other women? What do I do? Why aren’t I good enough?” Plus they are a very young couple…
Hi (young wife),
It’s actually normal for a husband to have a general sexual interest in other women. For a 20 year old husband it’s very normal. 20 year old males are basically hard wired to screw anything that moves. So in that sense it’s not “about you”. It’s just the testosterone talking in him. The husbands that don’t have a general sexual interest in other women have wives that write to me asking how to get their husbands interested in sex with them. So the good news is that your husband is heterosexual and has a pulse.
The very good news is that despite what I assume was a surprise pregnancy etc, he’s stuck with you and you guys have started making a life and family together. He very likely DOES love you, and the kids. It’s all very grown up and responsible and he’s probably pair bonded to you pretty good by now. Even 30 year old men struggle with being a grown up and fathering children.
So there is a sort of a natural conflict between wanting to do the 20 year old thing, and having to do the 30 year old thing instead. I’m sure that you feel those same feelings at times too.
So rather than frame the question as “why does he want other women / why am I not good enough?”, why not see it as “he has a high sexual drive / he’s expressing he needs help with it”.
What you can do is actively listen to him about it. You can let him vent and express frustration, but also be clear that the appropriate person to have sex with is you, that there will indeed be negative consequences for sleeping with someone other than you. Plus you have to have sex with him. If you define yourself as his sole sexual outlet, you have to be that outlet or eventually that with blow up on you.
For myself… that sort of general sexual impulse hasn’t gone away over time and I’m 40. I just know that I’m going to be happier and better off handling that impulse with my wife, than without her. Even with good pickup game it wouldn’t be possible for me to get daily sex on tap like I have now. Plus I would miss her terribly. I’m plenty pair bonded to Jennifer, but the sex drive is testosterone based and my sexual orientation is heterosexual.
So it’s all pretty normal, but it’s not always easy being good. If he can’t come to you about it, then who can he go to? The one thing to watch for though is the creation of a relationship with another woman. Flirting with 10 women is of less concern than a special female friend. Special female friend is your job.