“My wife doesn’t initiate sex like I want her to”.
Generally initiating sex is a more Alpha Male trait. You’re expecting her to react and think the same way you do. Women tend towards submissiveness in comparison to men and respond to sexual advances rather than initiate them.
I mean if she felt neglected emotionally because you didn’t initiate trips to the mall with her, that would be silly right? You might happily go to the mall with her, but you probably don’t float the idea to go yourself.
So just don’t worry about, it really doesn’t mean as much as you might think it does.
If you haven’t tried having rough / very firm / hard sex with your wife, try a little experiment.
The next time you have sex, without particularly asking permission or announcing your intention, just pound her harder than usual. You can get her off first by fingers or tongue as the curtain raiser, but once it’s P in V time, just climb on top of her and go hard at it. Don’t worry about whether or not she will like it or will orgasm, don’t worry about how perfect your orgasm will be this time. All you’re testing out is how she responds to getting vigorously screwed. You can work on the finer points later.
If you’re worried about really injuring her relax a little. Vaginas are pretty solid things, they are after all designed to have 8 pound babies push out of there. Unless you have some sort of porn stunt cock, it’s not really possible to really injure her if you have enough lubrication down there. You cock is going to break before a vagina does. So give going rough a trial.
If she likes it, a good sign is her being unusually cuddly after sex. Another thing to look for is what is she like the next day? Happier? Doting on you? Smiling at you more? She cooked you a favorite meal? She made not even realize she liked it as much as she did.
Several years back I started trying rough sex on Jennifer. The first few times I tried really pounding Jennifer hard I was extremely nervous about it. It really didn’t seem a very nice way to treat someone and I honestly expected a negative reaction. I only starting thinking about doing it based on coming across a few things I read saying women liked it. But even though I felt emotionally awkwardly for doing it to her, I tried it anyway. I was quite surprised to find that my sweet shy naive polite quiet wife lapped it up like the head cheerleader. Plus instead of our usual post coital routine of me snuggling into her, she snuggled into me every time I tried it. Not once or twice… every time. The next day she would be just all giggly and a little silly with me. Huh… who knew.
So even though I was surprised by her reaction and I felt uncomfortable doing it, I knew enough to recognize that she did in fact like it. Over time I grew less worried by it and started really enjoying her reaction to it. It’s still not my favorite sort of sex, but I do enjoy it and she really likes it so it’s on the menu. It’s not the whole menu by any means, but it’s a reasonably frequent choice for us.
So give it a trial run if you haven’t already. She may just like it. And if you haven’t talked about a safeword, consider “ow!” the safeword for now.
I have a lot of female readers and some of them just love what I’m saying on the blog. And by love me I mean they get a little moist down below and they want their husbands to magically transform into the alpha beta hybrid I suggest. Then they throw this blog under their husband’s nose and generally beg him to start making changes.
It’s usually just a way of nagging him. Why won’t you go do this for me? Why can’t you just do that? I need you to blah blah blah. Why don’t you read Married Man Sex Life like I ask you to wah wah wah, Athol Kay is a very smart man and I chew through C batteries just thinking about him and if you did just some of what he said I might be happy in this relationship it’s all so easy he spells it out like a road map and you won’t ask for directions and I’m starting to think my mother was right about you and I’m not attracted to you anymore and you’re breaking my heart with all this.
So how is that working for you ladies?
It’s not working at all, is it.
So here’s my question to the wives that want the changes in their husband towards my alpha / beta hybrid.
Are you even reading the blog yourself?
Maybe you are the one that needs to learn the message of my blog.
You can’t really change him.
You can change you, and that change in you can cause changes in him.
Your relationship is becoming increasingly intolerable and you are talking to him about that, but you are taking no real action that makes it seem like the relationship really is becoming intolerable.
If your relationship was becoming really intolerable, you would be taking some kind of action towards addressing that which you find intolerable. Failing a positive response to what you addressed, then creating an exit plan to leave the relationship.
As an example – if the lack of him helping with chores was really intolerable like you say it is, you wouldn’t just follow him around the house bitching about it (talking) and still cleaning up after him (action). Your action is saying “it’s tolerable”. At some point you have to stop enabling the entire situation by your actions, and simply let whatever he didn’t do just pile up in a heap. That action says “I’m not going to do your work for you”.
You threatening divorce and yelling is just talk. You suddenly losing 30 pounds, dressing better and just starting to go to a mysterious place called “out”… that’s action.
Sending your husband to the blog is a good idea when he needs ideas, understanding and confidence. But if he already knows what he should be doing and the blog is just a secondary nagging system, it’s really not going to help.
When it comes down to it a lot of what is sexy is just having energy and feeling good. If there’s anything that you can easily do to improve your energy and mood, then you may as well do it. We all can feel that attractive vibe from people that just look energetic and happy. Likewise we get repulsion from the Debbie Downers of the world.
If you’ve been following the very loose plot on the blog, I’ve had several family and work crises slamming on me over this year. Some of that has resulted in some basic self neglect in my own upkeep. Working out had kinda gone by the way side and my clothing was stalled out as well – the plan was to go down a size, but the working out had stalled, so my clothes just got older and ratty waiting for exercise to resume.
So my solution was somewhat of a transitional wardrobe upgrade as I hit the stores on Wednesday. All the socks and underwear replaced, couple new pairs of jeans, several thermal shirts with matching hats (Connecticut is cold and I cut what remains of my hair very short), couple pairs of shoes and kept it all around $150 total. Like I say, it’s transitional, so I stayed cheaper rather than expensive, but it does look better than what I was wearing. I just couldn’t stand the idea of wearing what I was wearing for another four months.
And I’m back to exercising properly, I’m down six pounds in three weeks and one belt hole different in the right direction, so that’s a good start. Getting through Thanksgiving week which included going out to eat four times plus the whole turkey day routine and I still lost a little weight.
The good news is that just those few changes and I feel much better. I have more energy and I feel like my mood is starting to bounce back as well. Energy + good mood = confidence.
I felt that confidence on Friday night when Jennifer and I went out on a Date Night. Nothing particular special happened while we were out, but back home I was even more relaxed and confident with her than usual. I just found myself calmly requesting things and getting them. So anyway… her orgasm record broken (mildly against her will), a new position and an actual sexual first together for something… um… ok that one is kinda personal. Just accept that I got her compliance with something I wanted and I want to get that again.
So a little exercise, some new clothes and better sex results. I think the “Ball and Chain Demolition Co” shirt was a good choice for Date Night lol.
And to be honest, I’ve been goofy in love with her as well since Friday.
Jennifer’s parents have this amazing street that still goes all out for Halloween, so we make it into our annual Candy Mecca for the kids. Of course kids with cell phones and Facebook talk to other kids… and pretty soon the word on the street is that the Kay kids have the hot ticket and pretty soon we have the entire giggle of girls wanting in.
So knowing that I’m going to play taxi driver for my youngest daughter and her friends down to my in-laws place, I decide to plan ahead. Actually let me explain why I have to plan ahead. These are all good kids, but one of them is like Kermit the Frog on cocaine in terms of the sheer verbiage that spews from her mouth. She is a good kid, she’s not disrespectful or anything, but it’s just like Robin Williams and a Gatling gun made a baby together and she has the Gatling gun’s sense of humor. I feel bad for just tolerating her, but I just can’t take it.
So anyway… 30 minute car ride with this kid. Something has to be done…
Husband discovers 600 text messages to the same unknown number in a month on the wifes phone bill. Hold that in your head as you read…
Eventually in a marriage your wife is going to do something that crosses the line. That thing might be something major or something minor. It might be crossing the line on something you’ve discussed and agreed on, or something that was a non discussed unwritten rule. Perhaps you weren’t even aware of the rule floating in the back of your mind until she broke the rule and you got angry about it. She can cross the line on purpose or unintentionally. Eventually though, she is just bound to do something that really pisses you off.
The non-Alpha response when she crosses the line is simply to down play it, not respond and internalize the anger. You might express anger but it’s usually framed as a polite request. Or you quietly fume and act out your anger passively. It’s usually pretty ineffective as a strategy in that she’s not really been made to suffer any consequence for her actions. You’re acting less socially dominant than she is and just sucking up her shit like she’s your boss and you’re her employee.
The Alpha response is to go on the offensive and bump back on her behavior and make sure she understands that whatever it was isn’t shouldn’t happen again. There’s a balance between the seriousness of the offense and intention. There’s a world of difference between her having sex with another guy and a few random text messages to a guy about nothing in particular that she told you about. There’s a world of difference between her crashing the car into the closed garage door and tapping a trash can. There’s a world of difference between losing her job for tardiness and being five minutes late for a date. There’s a world of difference between shoplifting and overdue library books. Balance people, balance.
In short, whatever level of disagreement / expression of anger / punishment / sanction call it what you will, it needs to fit the crime.
Unfortunately I keep coming across cases where the husband or boyfriend simply nukes the relationship to instant death over an infraction believing that to be the Alpha response. Plus numerous cases where on reading of a husband that successfully manages a wifely infraction, I read comments calling for him to “kick the bitch out”. The problem is already fixed and commenters are so locked into nuking as a strategy that they can’t see the forest for the trees.
Nuking is really more about revenge than self-preservation. If you come home early and catch her in the act, then sure I can sympathize if you just start the divorce process rolling while she’s putting her clothes back on. Really, I get that. But if you’re doing the same over a few flirty text messages, or frequent Facebook messages, then you’re over reacting if you’re instantly calling for a moving truck. You find out what’s going on first and address what you find. If she continues with unacceptable behavior then you step it up a notch.
It’s like progressive discipline at work. Small warning, larger warning, final warning, thanks for playing.
What I suspect the real problem for a lot of men is that they have so much resentment built up inside them from all the times they allowed themselves be taken advantage of in the past, or genuinely got screwed over by a woman, that they have an element of built in rage that hasn’t been worked through. So when “one little thing” happens ALL the previous rage gets triggered and “kick the bitch out” becomes the battle cry. Then the response can be so dramatic that once your anger simmers way and the dust settles your woman may not have any comfort left in your relationship and she may not want to return anyway.
And lets be clear on this one too – revenge sex, property destruction and physical violence does not solve anything beyond a momentary checking up of her behavior and it causes potentially much larger and more serious problems for you.
And to be fair, your marriage hopefully lasts a very very long time. You’re bound to screw up along the way yourself. Pray her tactic isn’t nuking too. Family court isn’t your friend.
The 600 text messages were to the wifes brother discussing her marital crisis. The couple in question had some other issues going on, but cheating wasn’t one of them. Things are fragile, but improving for them. True story.
To what extent, and what kind of weakness can you show to a woman? The easy answer is “none, ever” but if I spend any amount of time around a woman she is going to see me confused, frustrated, or angry. Some women seem to have zero tolerance for this, others it bothers them a great deal but you can recover after a while.
If you do show weakness, how do you recover?
Obviously openly weeping on a first date isn’t going to work at all, but I’m assuming we’re talking about a longer term relationship.
I’m not sure you really need to worry about your momentary emotions affecting women negatively as opposed to just giving up on something and throwing in the towel to admit defeat. Some of men’s greatest achievements have come with a great deal of confusion, frustration and anger along the way. Life and relationships have ups and downs, so feeling bad at times is completely normal. You just don’t quit something because you feel bad though.
Showing a range of emotions to a woman is generally experienced as you being emotionally engaged with her. So it can be a positive version of the Beta Traits in that it creates a sense of you’re in a real live relationship rather than just playing a game. But if you simply frame it all as defeat, failure and quit, you’re failing on the Alpha front and that’s what kills the attraction. You can say something was a bad decision and a mistake, but you can’t just flounder in the aftermath, you’ve got to take what you can from the wreckage and move on to bigger and better things.
In the end, if you can’t share your actual real life with a woman and sustain the relationship, you’re dealing with someone lacking in empathy. So that isn’t someone that you want to have kids with, marry, or buy real estate with. You want to be in a relationship with a team player, not a soloing specialist who wants to cut you from the team the first time you miss a shot. Or even worse someone who wants to keep you mired in failure so you can’t develop further.
So if a woman you’re dating walks out on you because of your momentary emotional state, thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have to go to court to get rid of her. It hurts in that moment that she pivots away from you and her heels click off into the distance, but it’s probably a gift that she’s going now rather than later.
I know it’s not easy to do, just stop worrying about women. Go find that thing you do and go do it. Hammer away at it until it’s yours. Be passionate about something. Women have a funny way of seeking out guys that can get it done.
So to answer the original question, “if you do show weakness, how do you recover?” it’s quite simple.
You recover by winning. Winning at whatever the hell it is you’re trying to prove yourself at.
One of the touchstones of saving a troubled marriage is heading off to marriage counseling. Unfortunately marriage counseling can often be a time and money wasting red herring. On one hand it’s supposedly about communication, but often troubled couples are communicating to each other just fine, it’s simply that they aren’t attracted to each other. So all marriage counseling does in those cases is explain in greater clarity that they aren’t attracted to each other.
It’s the old thing where if the husband stacks the dishwasher wrong… if the wife is horny for him she just restacks the dishwasher and runs it. Maybe she playfully tells him off about it, but it’s as much to instigate sex as anything. If she isn’t hot for him she screams that he’s an asshole and can never do anything right. Then he restacks the dishwasher and she still isn’t happy about it and does it herself anyway.
If those two go to counseling, the wife is going to complain about is inability to help around the house – especially the dishwasher screw ups. Then the counselor will likely suggest to the husband that he should really pay more attention to the household chores etc. After all, there’s good research that shows that husbands that help out around the house get on better with their wives. But it’s never actually about the dishes, so he’s stacks the dishwasher right for a while and she still isn’t interested in him sexually. So the problem of their low attraction continues.
Plus sometimes I suspect marriage counseling is just a social rite of passage before a divorce as a way of making the divorcing partner look better. “We tried everything! I’m not a bad person, we tried marriage counseling but he just wouldn’t listen to what the counselor had to say! I FOUGHT to keep this marriage together. Even the marriage counselor agreed he was too stupid to stack a dishwasher.”
Unless both sides of the couple really want to work and listen and are going to a counselor that works on the process of short term objective goals, (see Solution Focused Brief Therapy as a starting point) it’s all just a waste of time and money in my opinion. Especially for the man if the counselor wants to do nothing but talk about the past and feelings. That’s likely just means he’s going to lose the arguments he’s already lost with his wife again, but this time for $150-200 an hour.
But even so, $150-200 a half a dozen times could likely be more productively spent on gym memberships, a couple of sexier outfits, date nights, some flowers, a couple of sex toys and the teeth whitening place at the mall. In any case, if you can get together in the middle of the day or evening without the kids in tow, getting a hotel room for an hour and just having sex is cheaper anyway. I’ll bet my way does more to fix a relationship than just talking about your relationship problems with a counselor does. Action beats talk everytime.
And maybe I’m just cynical… but one of the vocations with the highest divorce rates is marriage counselors! Isn’t talking to a marriage counselor about your marriage like going to a dentist that has crappy teeth?