Don’t Feed an Attention Whore With Your Negative Emotions

When you don’t get the sex you want from your spouse, it’s natural to get frustrated about it. After all you are genuinely sexually frustrated. Frustration is very normal. But I’ve had a few emails in the last couple weeks from readers saying they were so agitated they might, “just hold her down and make it happen whether she wanted it or not and see what she does”.
Whaaa….
Personally I think it’s just going to make her hate your guts and set everything back for a year or more as the best possible outcome. Her protection shields are going to go full strength and anyone she tells about it, are going to tell her to call the police. Quite possibly you’ll end up in handcuffs and restarting your sex life with your cell mate.
It’s rape. So damn dude. Bad idea. Just no.
Don’t confuse my advice about dominance and submission, Alpha traits, being the Captain and women liking rough sex as an all purpose green light to ignore consent. Women do like all that, but they do like all that only if they consent to it.
What I suggest you do is counter-intuitive, but it’s ultimately more effective at creating a real change. When she turns you down for sex, you give her no drama or grief about it. You simply move on with your day. The angrier and more worked up you get about missing sex, the greater the display of low value it is and the more relationship power you hand her. So you play it cool. You don’t ignore her with the silent treatment, you just play it cool.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Love, hate and any strong emotional state including anger is the opposite of indifference. If you’re the worked up one, she’s the cool indifferent one and in control of the relationship. The worse you react, the more you tell her that she has you… well, by the balls actually.
Just dial it down and accept that tonight is not the night you’re getting laid by her. Then you slowly turn up the heat with working on getting yourself in better shape, dressing better, being more sociable and generally doing everything that I advise on this blog. Maybe she reacts better to you once you’re in shape and being more Alpha. If she doesn’t, then you move to phase 2 and start meeting other women. If that doesn’t work then you head to phase 3 and crank up the drama with heading for the door and having sex with other women. Give her fair warning though, you want her to fold and give it up to you. Nothing gets a woman more sexually keyed up than being dumped for someone else right in her face.
If you want you can have a more relaxing evening by asking earlier in the evening for a specific sexual act later that night (never just ask “do you want to have sex?”, always ask for a specific sex act “want to do doggystyle later tonight?”)  If she say’s “no” early on, then you at least have a few more hours without the anxious tension building up all night. Do still keep talking to her that evening, don’t go off and pout – that just feeds her inner attention whore with lots of negative attention. Kissing her ass and being mad just feeds her; positive attention or negative attention is all just attention, which is what attention whores want. Ideally the reaction is that she turned you down and it didn’t matter to you all that much.
Raping her though is just a horribly wrong idea and completely ineffective at getting you what you really want. Yes it is completely normal to be utterly pissed off at a woman cheating you out of your marriage. Don’t just rage and vent about it though, you have to regain composure and focus on what you do want to achieve. I know that it hurts being rejected and abused by someone you deeply love. But you have to move beyond feeling that pain and start working on a productive solution. It isn’t an easy fix and doesn’t happen in a day. Hang in there.
If you really want to mess with her head, when you ask for a sex act and she turns you down, say “ok, thank you”. But say it like you are actually thanking her, no snarky in there. Just thank her for her clear answer that frees up your evening. Wait until about the 5th or 6th time she says “no” though. She will wonder what the hell is going on with you…
As an aside, attention whores can make wonderful sex partners. You just channel the way they get attention from you into the sexual area and tell her what a wonderful girl she is while she’s fucking you. That’s why they’re called attention whores in the first place.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Your thoughts? What happens when your hubby turns you down 5 nights out of 7 but he still wants to cuddle on the couch, kiss, hold hands, etc.? How do you "play it cool" when he still wants affection? It's emotionally difficult for me to be affectionate after rejection, but to withdraw and not be affectionate looks like I'm pouting, or that I was only being affectionate to get sex. Any ideas?

  2. You might try to sexually escalate. Cuddle, and then take it further, step by step. If she really objects and withdraws, go do something else you like to do. Go read a magazine, watch some TV, find a different focus for yourself, don't pout. If she asks you what you are doing you can say that you think that she might need some time for herself and you still wanted to do some reading, calling one of the guys, whatever.

  3. Maestro, Anonymous is a chick.

  4. To be honest, most of this struck me as very unhealthy advice. Surely the best thing to do is talk to her about it? Have a mature conversation about how unhappy you are about the situation?

    Things like bottling up the pain you feel about being turned down by someone you love and "play it cool" sounds wrong to me. It sounds like this post is advising men to join in with women's horrible games that they like to play in relationships. Quotes like "If you really want to mess with her head" should not be in a blog post about relationship advice. That's my opinion.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Tom,
    That feeds into the attention whore mentality in a negative way. Not to mention having this conversation in any mode is to hand her relationship power. She needs to be the one to initiate the conversation, not you. You need to be the one who's indifferent and improving himself and looking outside the relationship for stimulation. You'll spark that conversation out of her by doing that. If she never initiates the conversation, then that's that, she's going to lose you. Push-pull…

  6. As usual, Athol, nice advice. You're describing how one can remain on the high road through a difficult situation. But instead of…

    "never just ask "do you want to have sex?", always ask for a specific sex act "want to do doggystyle later tonight?"

    …I prefer not framing it as a question at all. I suspect it works better if you re-phrase it into a statement, as in: "I really need you tonight" done with a nuzzle on the neck (where it's clear what "need" really means.) And sure, feel free to add something specific (such as, "I really need you in doggy style tonight with your elbows just off the pillow and your hands right near the headboard") to the statement–particularly because rich, colorful descriptions will trigger associated imaginations in her mind.

    But the mere act of turning it a statement rather than a question re-frames the whole communication. It puts you, the statement giver, more in charge. Expressing it as a question tends to give the "no" response the same consequence-free acceptability as the "yes"–which it isn't and which you don't want to convey. If she's going to reject you, at least don't enable her to easily to do so.

    @Tom, I think what Athol's describing here is indeed all about, "having a mature conversation". The advice given is around what to do in the face of not getting a mature response out of that mature conversation.

  7. Anonymous says:

    @Tom,

    Conversation might work, but I think Athol's advice will work better. If the emailer's wife doesn't want to have sex with him because he's put on 50lbs since they married, she's probably not going to be cruel enough (in her mind) to tell him that. She's just going to develop a perpetual headache.

    She may not even know herself why she isn't interested. That's why scores of women complain about how their husbands/boyfriends are such jerks without leaving the relationship. They're attracted to jerks. Do you really think this kind of woman will answer the question of why sex isn't more frequent with, "Because you're not enough of a jerk?" I don't.

    Athol is spot on. Improve yourself. Reclaim some power in the relationship. By increasing your dominance, you are indirectly increasing your wife's submissiveness. And that's what most women like. Even if they won't admit it.

  8. That's a very good point, MNL. A good bit of game is simply good advice to return logic for logic, and to deal with immature irrationality with calmness and maturity, not with logic. Women's responses aren't necessarily all cerebral or all logical, which should come as no surprise.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Mrs. Anonymous: Have you tried slutting it up? Cuddle with him on the couch when you're wearing nothing but a bathrobe (if that). Cuddle his dick with your tongue.

  10. Ian Ironwood says:

    I agree, Athol, but I usually take it further. My wife and I went through that phase, and even though she's not really an attention whore, when she rejected me and I either flamed out or pouted, she used my reaction to brow-beat me into betahood.

    Then I wised up.

    Yeah, I hit the gym and such, but the biggest difference was how I dealt with her and rejection. If I asked for sex and she gave me a laundry list of all the reasons why she didn't want to and I was a heel for even asking, I nodded, said "fine, just wanted to plan my day", and made myself scarce. But an important part of the dance is your emotional availability after such a rejection. If you still give her the non-sexual affection and attention she wants, then you've lost your leverage.

    So I told her that guys in general have a hard time being emotionally available until after sex. I can appreciate her need for non-physical attention and affection, and I was still willing to participate in a very limited way, but if she wanted loving hubby back, she had to meet me halfway.

    But wait! There's more! The first time I did this and she stomped off, I didn't do the natural thing and run after her. That would have reassured her about her ability to command my attention. Instead I just went elsewhere, depriving her of my company and assistance, which is a straight-up Alpha move. AND THEN next time she tried to initiate (which isn't a real initiation, more like an invitation for me to initiate) . . . I ignored her signals. The opposite of love isn't anger, it's indifference. Fight with her or kiss up on her, at least I'm not ignoring her. That drove her nuts.

    After a few chilly weeks of living like roommates and enjoying monosyllabic conversations, she finally broke down and "forced" me to talk about it. I didn't Beta-out. I looked her dead in the eye and told her that I'm sorry she felt rejected that one time, but that was how I felt every time she rejected me, and I'd had enough. Either she'd be a little more yielding in the future, and quit making me jump through hoops, or she could start fighting for my attention with all of my many hobbies, friends, and work responsibilities.

    Wife or not, that top attention spot has to be earned . . . and you don't earn it with rejection.

    It only took a few repeated cycles of this to make my point. Sure, from a Beta perspective it feels like you've somehow violated the sanctity of the marriage by threatening its security, the end-result was not only refreshingly gratifying to the Alpha part of my soul, it also strengthened the pairbond which in turned strengthened the stability of our marriage.

    So don't force her. Ignore her. Be civil, polite . . . and unavailable. Works like a charm.

  11. Ian, nicely done.

  12. HarmonicaFTW says:

    I'm currently at that roommate stage. Apparently, for the last few months I've been "distant", though I think it's all bullshit. But since I'm married and not just in a LTR in which I can dump her no worries (which I would, I wouldn't take this from a girlfriend), I took her at her word. My changes didn't work. She's been just as "distant" as she accused me of. Yesterday, we finally got past a point of argument in which I got her to admit she had no clue what she wanted me to do get across that I love her (despite having several anxiety/mother-induced neurotic attacks around her, which destroys my hand… I thought that would show emotional investment, but nah).

    Frankly, I lost hand, frame and pretty much everything else. Its not the best feeling to feel like there is absolutely no control. But Athol's advice is right. Working on yourself makes you feel better. Its just the waiting that is nearly unbearable. The anger tends to start fights.

    But whatever. /rant

  13. Athol Kay says:

    Tom – the problem is that by the time most men find me they are at their wits end having tried having "mature conversations" with their wives for several years about the lack of sex.

    Jennifer and I have mature conversations all the time, so I'm not opposed to having them, but then Jennifer and I are meeting each others needs and aren't screwing each other over.

    Generally the only thing that works in sexless marriages is serious action. I'm just trying to get men to focus on action that has a better chance of success than other options.

  14. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 8:54 – you can just say that you're getting turned on and he either needs to finish what he starts or back off a little.

  15. HarmonicaFTW says:

    I'd like to add to my previous rant that ANGER is the worst thing you can have. In the last few hours I got myself to release my repressed anger, the anger that drove me to write the rant, and when I came home it was night and day how I acted and how I felt. I was knocking out her tests and shooting back like a pro. I got smiles, real smiles. Anger, especially repressed anger, is the bane of game. A lesson that I will never forget.

  16. mormonmen says:

    Great post as usual Athol. I just figured out myself that anger is feeding into her plans just as much as supplication does. The only positive way to respond is with nonreactive indifference.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Don't ask tell. "Do you want to do x later?" No. Like Ian said make a strong statement. "Meet me in the bedroom in 30 mins because I'm going to x,y,z you." Giggity. Same way you wouldn't ask "Gee, what you want to do on our date?" I've learned women hate that. Present a plan, if she accepts great, if not move on to other things that interest you till next time. Also if shot down that night/day – don't bring it up again that day. Next time you make a statement – don't reference the previous shootdown. In your mind it never happened because it's just not that big a deal. Make it a big deal or bring it up and it will turn into one.

  18. @Tom
    Another point to consider is that the husband's role is to keep his wife happy, by giving her what she wants/needs. Addressing her emotional need for a strong dominate man who takes action is how you show you understand this. Giving her a logical conversation tells her you don't care enough or in the right way. Remember we males self-actualize with status often achieved through logic based systems, females self-actualize through their connections with others, often achieved with empathy/emotion. Even male / male friendships are not made through logic, friendships are emotional connections. Lovers even more so.

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