Oneitis? Twoitis? Onesideditis? And Jenny is a Heartless Bitch…

A question in the comments of the Forrest Chump post…
Thanks for your encouragement. Sadly, my story is just all the “Jenny” parts of Forrest Chump (over about 4 women… so far) without all the interesting Vietnam-Shrimpin-Running-appearing-in-newsreel-footage bits. Which is to say, it’s boring. The scary thing about Forrest Chump was how well it captured a woman who *almost* cares for a man, and the Beta chump orbiting her, and how long he’ll wait. Or maybe that’s just me…
Here’s one thing that I was thinking, though. I’ve read everything you wrote about how your relationship started with Jennifer, and (to those of us outside), it seems like several years of long-distance (which is to say, supremely obsessive) oneitis that ultimately ended in marriage, kids, success, happiness and sex sex sex. Sounds pretty good. Makes it kind of hard to disdain oneitis the way I definitely ought to.
Is the only difference between oneitis and determined, focused, alpha, goalseeking that the latter is recognized/defined by the fact that it worked, but only after it has worked?
The “Alpha” thing to do is kick her to the curb if she doesn’t put out after 8 hours in your presence. I know (and appreciate) that you’re more about balance, than cartoon-style PUA All Alpha All The Time, but…
So how do you tell the difference between oneitis and something worth working for that has difficulties that you have to overcome in a manly, manly way? Preferably before you get as old as I am…
Is Oneitis just the Beta/needy perversion of Alpha determination and focus?
This is a really good question, and I can see the obvious disconnect in that my actions courting Jennifer were for the most part identical to the actions of someone else that got chump and dumped for the same approach. Why did it work out for me and not the reader asking the question?
The biggest factor is that it was critical that Jennifer was also deeply in love with me and that my affection for her was returned in the same measure. I’m struggling with the PUA terms here a little, in that context saying I had Oneitis doesn’t seem quite right. I might have had Oneitis, but she had Oneitis for me, so it all worked out. Maybe we had Twoitis.
Maybe Oneitis should be called Onesideditis.
Also it was an extremely difficult time for both of us. Our original wedding date was in June 1994 and she asked to delay it to November so she could finish college. I agreed to it but also said if the wedding was delayed again past November that the whole thing was off. I just couldn’t continue on in a long distance relationship any more, one way or the other it had to end… marriage or goodbye. We all have our limits and our breaking point.
I never had any doubts that Jennifer loved me deeply though. I… we… did what we did believing in the love of the other for us.
I guess the questions to ask are along the lines of; “when I give to her, does she give back?” “Is this a mutual relationship?” Or am I always left hanging somehow? Am I always the one that has to call first or nothing happens? She she too busy for me somehow?
Or to return to Forrest Gump… when you find yourself asking a variation on “Why don’t you love me Jenny?”
If you find yourself loving a Jenny, realize that what you are experiencing for her is nothing more than an emotion. You will feel an intense desire to do things for her, just don’t do them. Don’t wait on her to change her mind and suddenly realize she loves you because she never will. Oh she may decide to enjoy your comfort for an extended time, but as soon as she decides it’s over, it’s over.
And for the record, I had a “Jenny” before Jennifer. I was deeply deeply in love with her… I just refused to actively love her when it was clear she didn’t love me back. It’s one of the smartest things I ever did for myself.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    So, your post really hit home for me. Where my wife and I started out in a good, balanced relationship, over time things have changed to a much more one-sided situation, almost without me even noticing.

    I'm always the one who goes to her for physical affection first – which she rarely reciprocates, and if I don't say "I love you" first it doesn't get said at all. There are even times I'll try to go to her, and she'll be uninterested and basically just patronize me until I go away. Our sex life, beyond the fact that she doesn't seem to even want to kiss anymore, is relatively unchanged though.

    I'm torn though, because on the one hand, I want to show that I don't *need* her attention, by either telling her there's a problem, or continuously being the one to initiate affection. On the other hand, we're both in a stalemate when I don't, because if I'm not doing anything she isn't either – which also puts a huge damper on my game, because I'm pissed she isn't reciprocating…

    What to do?

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Well the whole blog is kind of about "what to do".

    You basically have to stop doting on her when she clearly doesn't respond to it positively. Start acting like you are going to go get your needs met somewhere else.

    Pull back from her… be a little zen about it all.

  3. The phrase "If you stop scratching it will eventually stop itching" comes to mind. If you are so "In love" with a Jennyite that you become the forest gump chump, then it is time to go cold turkey and go find someone else. It will stop itching.

    FL

  4. Anonymous says:

    Wish I had been smart enough to recognize this. Wasted 15 years of marriage with my "Jenny". Yee-haw! Anyway, now that I'm free and learning, I'm having a hard time understanding the connection between "what's her role in all this" Nothing? and ensuring that your efforts are being reciprocated in measure. This where I always fall down in LTR.

  5. How about unrequitis? Love the "chump and dump" turn of phrase.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Sometimes this kind of love is needed. I've always seen the balance between loving a cruel person uselessly, and loving someone who's damaged and needs it. Sometimes that kind of love is vital.

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