Sexy Move: Ask For Her Special Dish

Most wives have something they are really good at doing and you like whatever that thing is she does. So ask for it once in a while.
Usually that special thing is making some sort of food. Lets face it, most of us are not chefs and we turn out quite edible food but on average it’s all quite mundane. But usually she will have a small handful of things that she’s really really good at making, but she only makes them for special occasions.
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The Propinquity Effect: A Third Wheel In Your Own Home Is You Being Stupid

You always need to be very cautious about having friends living with you as a married couple for an extended length of time. When your buddy visits and stays as a guest, there’s usually a lot of close interaction between you and your friend as you make the best use of your time together. But what you call “hanging out and having a beer” also doubles up with what evolutionary psychologists call “mate guarding behavior”. Or in plain English, you’re having fun with your friend, but you’re also cockblocking your friend getting to your wife.
But if you let your buddy actually start living with you, there’s no way to maintain the cockblock. You can’t just hang out and have a beer every single day when there’s real life and working late heading up your personal chore list. So at some point your buddy and your wife are going to be left together minus you. Now it’s unlikely that as your car pulls out of the driveway leaving them alone for the very first time, that they will lock eyes across the cornflakes and head back to your bedroom for five hours. But if you give it a couple of months just about anything can happen.
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Can SSRIs Really Kill Romance/Love?

Just got a question from a reader that got the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech. Generally I advise that the immediate threat is another man in the picture, so naturally I asked him if that was so. The reply was that he had no concerns about that, everything had been great between them. But she had just started on an SSRI depressant because of anxiety at work. Hence the question, “can SSRIs really kill romance/love”.
Well according to Dr Helen Fisher the worlds foremost authority on romantic love, yes they can damage the ability to feel in love.
I don’t want to say that SSRIs should never be tried because for some people they are needed and do work. But if there is a change in sexual functioning or change in the ability to experience attachment to your loved ones, that needs to be looked at extremely seriously. Anything like this needs to be reported to the prescriber of the medication. Importantly do not stop the medication as you can have a very rough time coming off these medications if you do it too fast.
I’m getting questions from people asking advice about partners with a defunct sex drive that are on SSRIs every week. I had three questions today. The entire point of the medication is to make you more functional rather than less functional.
I’m getting to the point where I think “are you on an SSRI?” is a first date question.
If nothing else… research all the medications you and your loved ones are on. Your best advocate for your health is you.

You Can’t Be Too Alpha Or Too Beta

Athol, I’m digging your premise about being a mix of alpha and beta. Do you have any tips on how you know when you’re leaning too beta and need to up the alpha, or vice versa? Like different behaviors your woman will exhibit during times when you’re being too alpha or too beta.

You have a slight but critical misunderstanding on the Alpha / Beta thing, but this is a great question.

Being Alpha is good, you can’t be “too Alpha”. Women simply don’t look at a guy and complain that he’s too powerful and sexy for them and reject him for it. They just get wetter and wetter thinking about him the more Alpha he is.

Being Beta is good, you can’t be “too Beta”. Women utterly love comfort, safety and pampering. Women don’t typically complain that the pillows are too soft, the food too delicious, the wine too delightful and the sounds of their children’s laughter just unbearably adorable. They never complain that there is too much money either.

However, what does very much cause you problems is lacking either Alpha or Beta Traits.

If you’re not enough Alpha, she’s going to start losing sexual interest in you and probably start becoming more bossy and fitness testing you. Her sexual interest can reduce in you. Ultimately she can start to seek the Alpha need outside the relationship and head down the path towards a physical affair or ending the relationship. Trying to solve this problem by adding more and more Beta goodness is futile and probably increasingly expensive.

If you’re not enough Beta, she’s going to start to intensify her efforts to get a Beta response from you and seek comfort building. Usually it’s something like requests for greater indications of commitment or expressions of love from you. Ultimately she can start to seek the need for comfort outside the relationship and head down towards the path for an emotional affair or ending the relationship. If the problem is that she’s feeling ignored, taken for granted, unloved, or just a piece of ass to you, You upping the Alpha and playing it cool towards her doesn’t fix the need for comfort in need in her.

Also Alpha and Beta is not an either/or proposition, nor is it truely a “balance” thing either other than as a time management sort of issue. Lets face it, no one has limitless time to spend on their spouse, you can’t do everything a man could do without a clone army helping you out. You do have to make some choices along the way to do this and not that. Alpha and Beta are two distinct traits that can be displayed with or without each other. There is a very common pattern of men giving up Alpha Traits and gaining Beta Traits generally called Betaization, but that is best understood as two separate effects clustered together, rather than a single effect.

So it’s not like this…

    Too Beta {———————————————————-} Too Alpha

But it is like this…

No Alpha {———————————————————-} Alpha
No Beta  {———————————————————-} Beta

In general though, whatever is your weakest Trait is the one that you need to work on first, because it’s the lack of a Trait that does you in. For most men that means they need to work on the Alpha Trait.

A Quick Line To Use

Here’s a simple line to use any time you see a woman verbally harassing a man, or trying to maneuver him into completing a task for her where they have no established relationship.
“Oh wow, I didn’t realize you guys were dating.”  Importantly the tone is playful and an element of mock surprise.
The woman usually bursts out laughing every time I’ve done it, plus they usually stop ragging on the other guy right away. It’s a big win for you in that the other guy is usually relived that you pulled the woman off him, plus you’ve effortlessly passed a fitness test she threw out. Advantage you.

When Your Husband is an Omega Male

I said yesterday…   “The Beta stuff doesn’t really turn women ON, but in a marriage lacking Beta can turn women OFF.”
“The Mrs” commented today….  “So what do you call it when your husband spends as little time with his kids as possible, but isn’t alpha either? Is that just being a lousy beta because he doesn’t have those comfort skills?
My husband was never good in school, since he was too busy smoking and being the class clown. So he hasn’t been much help with homework since the kids have been out of early middle school. It’s ridiculous because he’s the computer geek and I’m the one with the useless liberal arts degree.
You might want to see a post I did a year back A Little More on Alpha and Beta Traits where I define men into four category groups of Alpha, Beta, Omega and Gamma. I tend not to mention Omega and Gamma very often at all on the blog because I want to try and sell the message of “you should balance Alpha and Beta” as a core concept. I’ve got enough new terms as it is for a new reader so I try and keep it manageable.
A Gamma Male is simply a man that has both Alpha and Beta Traits in decent quantity and balance. Whether he started off as a pure Alpha and added Beta along the way, or started off as a pure Beta and figured out how to Alpha up, doesn’t matter. He’s got a balance to him finally; he’s a nice guy with a sharp edge, a bit of an asshole but sweet to her, does what he wants but takes what she wants into account too, could pull another woman or two but stays faithful to her. He’s carrot and stick, inspiring her to her best relationship behavior with him and rewarding her for it. He’s the pump but not the dump, nor the chump for her rump.
An Omega Male on the other hand is someone that lacks both Alpha and Beta Traits. A real no getter like a Homer Simpson would be a perfect example. Words that come to mind as descriptors are things like “loser”, “totally useless” and “soon to be ex-husband”.
The question that needs asking though is what do you plan to do about your husband? Obviously screaming and kicking him out is one option, but that’s just nuking him. You’re probably doing a lot of things that support and enable his less than helpful behavior, so if you can figure out what they are and stop doing them, maybe he’ll be forced into doing something more useful. Plus you shouldn’t underestimate the power of you dressing up once in a while and going to the magical place of “out”.
If you want to tell me the story… athol(dot)kay@gmail(dot)com

Bridezilla = Prepare to be Betaized

Before Jennifer and I got married I was still living in New Zealand up until two weeks before the wedding. As such there wasn’t really anything I could do to assist with planning the wedding. Jennifer did ask me what I wanted for it and I came up with the short directive of “nothing too frilly and if there is a color choice I like blue, otherwise whatever you choose is fine”. Then I lapsed into a blissful ignorance and slept easy knowing my job was simply to show up and get fitted for a tux. Actually no that’s overstating it a little, I had no clue about the tux rental thing, but went along with getting fitted a week before the wedding.
In retrospect this approach served me incredibly well. I couldn’t really make a misstep in the wedding planning, as there was no opportunity to make a face at the price of something or create something to disagree over before the wedding. Plus the whole thing of doing nothing but show up to the wedding and stroll off with the bride is an incredible Alpha frame by default.
Of course if you notice some heavy duty fitness testing going on during the wedding planning, I’d take that as something that absolutely shouldn’t be ignored. Bump back on that and pass the tests or ask for the ring back if things are just getting worse. If she’s going Bridezilla on you it’s a clear statement of her intention to own you until such time as you have no further use to her.
If Jennifer had given me screeching I would have thought I was watching a preview for a horror flick… when I’m more of a romantic comedy guy.

Sexy Move: The K-Spot

A nice comment today…
God, I love this post. It does work for single men/women. I was dating two guys for a short period of time. One cleaned the house and was always doing laundry. The other….I was afraid to use the bathroom. I am finished breeding but the rank bathroom guy didn’t win! I am far from a clean freak but I like things clean and tidy. When I did become intimate with laundry man he always made sure we had clean sheets and towels. It scored big points in the bedroom. I love the smell of clean sheets and towels. Guys, the L-Spot does work. Men….women don’t get off washing your dirty, stinky socks and underwear! We don’t mind doing it as a combined load but don’t make us have to find the stinky things! Clean toilet and shower are right up there too!
Now if I had planned ahead, I should have made that post about doing stuff in the Kitchen. Then it would be the K-Spot which would have dovetailed nicely with my name. But even so, washing machines are pretty much foolproof and automatic these days, so there’s no reason why you can’t wash things in a machine so the original post still holds.
Actually cleaning a kitchen up is fairly easy. Just clean all the counters off and wipe them down. Actually physically pick up and put away the dishes and cups and plates and crap that are out everywhere. Having a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes just makes it unusable and energy draining. If a date walks into your house and sees dirty dishes in your sink, she’s adjusting your Sex Rank down in her mind to accommodate having to be your future charwoman if things progress in the future.
To be honest, Jennifer does more clean up work in the kitchen than I do. But I do make a special effort on nights that Jennifer is out working late to tidy up the kitchen and clean it all away before she gets home. As she drives home on those nights I’d prefer her to dream about starting to sink into my arms, rather than her arms in my sink.

It’s Ok to be a Boy

Much of what I talk about boils down to that it’s ok to be a man and exhibit normal male behavior. The betaization trap is really just about being feminized where husbands are expected to act inside a marriage in the same way a wife would. The trouble being that if you end up with a wife and a de facto wife in a marriage and the real one isn’t an emotional lesbian, then she gets very agitated at the situation.
Much of this learning that it’s not “ok to be a man” starts very early, when you learn that it’s not really “ok to be a boy”.

Unlearning all this can be a long process. Don’t give up.

Two Plus Two Equals Fourplay

Jennifer is good at math, but she’s not good at Math with the capital M.  She can balance a check book and loves playing money saving coupons yada yada yada, but the kids Math homework just sends her into the unhappy place. Give her a 6th Grade word problem and she might as well be looking at a green screen of the Matrix with all those symbols cascading downwards.
So me helping with 6th Grade Math Homework Assistance is quite positive Beta Male skill and a mad display of value. Ok I gotta be honest here, it’s just nice to see some pure geek stuff come around to full circle and have someone expressing sexual interest for it. I can do algebra and I’m not ashamed.
I’m down on my hands and knees using the tile in the kitchen to explain square footage to youngest and suddenly she gets it. Thankfully we have tiles that are exactly a square foot making that easy. Also explained what a square root was to youngest and I’m upgraded to the minor deity that explained “what that button was on the calculator”. You’re welcome baby, you are welcome.
Eldest is currently doing a month long science fair project on “the effect of the day of the week on prices in virtual economies”. Which translated into fun means she monitors the prices of various common trade items on her World of Warcraft server for weeks on end. Guess who thought that one up… Superdaddy Deluxe that’s who. I’ll help crunch the numbers with her in about another week or so. It does make parenting odd when you have to demand “have you played Warcraft yet?” to a 13 year old, but there we go.
As an aside it’s a little frustrating watching eldest play… I could probably up her damage dealing 50% with an hour of coaching but she detests my assistance so far. Apparently Superdaddy Deluxe doubles as a backseat driver a little bit, so I just bite my hand and quietly rock back and forth. Leveling up in Warcraft has been made so easy now that a baby smashing the keyboard with a toy hammer can hit the level cap, so she gets away with a lot of sloppiness which annoys me. Once she gets up to raiding she’ll come asking for help though, I just know it. So I’ll just wait on that.
Youngest is doing a science fair project on “does virtual practice improve actual performance?” Which in the language of fun means we’re all going bowling to establish a baseline, then we’re all doing a fair bit of Wii Bowling, then we’re all going bowling again to see if we got any better because of the Wii. Also there will be pizza.
Jennifer has been impressed with all the clever ideas for science fairs and is utterly relived that I do the Math homework. It definitely a Beta skill, but if you’re in good with a woman’s kids and can teach and lead them it just builds her comfort in being with you way up. The Beta stuff doesn’t really turn women ON, but in a marriage lacking Beta can turn women OFF.
Oh and the science fair idea trick… just Google “Science Fair Idea” and sort through the hundreds of ideas on the Internet. But if you have a Wii, the bowling one is just brilliant. When your wife bowls it’s a perfect opportunity to be caught looking at her ass.