“we prefer to talk about big decisions out in a restaurant. When we’re out in public, we’re less likely to argue or make a big scene. When we’re talking about it in a restaurant somewhere, we’re much more likely to have a conversation and to listen to the other person than we are when we’re sitting on our couch.”
Marriage Confessions is a “Mommy Blog” so I suspect most MMSL readers aren’t going to find much more of direct interest over there, but the above struck me as a potentially great idea to problem solve a sticky issue, so credit where credit is due.
Husbands can often be emotionally outflanked by a wife and simply lose out on an issue as soon as the conversation starts. It’s hard to advance a better idea or more logical solution in the face of a shrieking tearful wife who can chain together accusations and distress at 92.7 decibels for upwards of an hour. Forcing her into a public place removes the whole screechtard special ability she has. Control the battlefield and find an even playing field. She can’t throw an emotional tantrum in a restaurant without losing the argument by default. Well not unless the issue at hand was something really bad like banging her sister, or the fact that the whole time after she’s separated the recycling out, you’ve just been throwing in all into the regular trash.
An alpha approach could simply say, “I think we need to really have a deep conversation about *insert the issue*, lets do it over dinner at *insert restaurant* on Friday”. Then delay the conversation until then.
That way there’s no surprise to the issue being discussed, both of you can spend some time thinking about it beforehand and calm down. The whole thing can be framed as a goal directed appointment together. Dinner out, deep conversation, working on the relationship, you framing the relationship – what woman isn’t going to be at least halfway into doing that?
It’s almost a counseling appointment, just without a counselor; consider it a facilitated conversation. More importantly… there’s food.
I hang out on The About Marriage boards a lot and have noticed a fairly frequent pattern to the story of a man losing his wife or having her caught up in an affair. To be fair, there’s about an equal number of stories of wives losing their husbands, but I tend to focus on the guys to be honest.
So anyway it all goes like this;
Phase One: “Hey I’ve noticed that my wife has been doing *list of blindingly obvious things pointing to an affair* is this something to worry about?”
Then the board tells them to keylogger her computer, GPS tag her car, put…
Seeing I was a Stay At Home Dad, I get asked about the SAHM thing once in a while. Here’s my story first, then the opinion section…
When Jennifer and I married, we decided that I would come to America rather than her go to New Zealand. One reason was that we decided that I would cope better at being away from my family, than her being away from hers. Now adays we could probably just as easily go either way, but back in the day Jennifer was more timid with travel than I was.
The other reason was that despite us being able to have a fairly similar lifestyle in each country, there are significant…
Badger Nation asked me a few days back in a comment about me breaking The Second Date Rule with Jennifer when I stopped being an Evangelical Christian and became an Atheist. The Second Date Rule being “if I just saw behavior like that on the second date, would I have ever had a third date with this person?”
The answer to that question is yes indeed I did very much break the second date rule. I more than broke it, I shattered it. I had been sent off to a private Christian school at age 7 and converted to an Evangelical faith at age 16. I started work for The Bible Society in New Zealand at age 20 and quit a year later to work on a summer camp in Maryland. Viki, one of my new American friends on the camp liked my perspective on discipleship as a teaching strategy. Being unstoppable in personality, Viki convinced her college Chaplain to let me come and teach a weekend discipleship retreat in conjunction with the college chapel.
When you don’t get the sex you want from your spouse, it’s natural to get frustrated about it. After all you are genuinely sexually frustrated. Frustration is very normal. But I’ve had a few emails in the last couple weeks from readers saying they were so agitated they might, “just hold her down and make it happen whether she wanted it or not and see what she does”.
Personally I think it’s just going to make her hate your guts and set everything back for a year or more as the best possible outcome. Her protection shields are going to go full strength and anyone she tells about it, are going to tell her to call the police. Quite possibly you’ll end up in handcuffs and restarting your sex life with your cell mate.
It’s rape. So damn dude. Bad idea. Just no.
Don’t confuse my advice about dominance and submission, Alpha traits, being the Captain and women liking rough sex as an all purpose green light to ignore consent. Women do like all that, but they do like all that only if they consent to it.
What I suggest you do is counter-intuitive, but it’s ultimately more effective at creating a real change. When she turns you down for sex, you give her no drama or grief about it. You simply move on with your day. The angrier and more worked up you get about missing sex, the greater the display of low value it is and the more relationship power you hand her. So you play it cool. You don’t ignore her with the silent treatment, you just play it cool.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Love, hate and any strong emotional state including anger is the opposite of indifference. If you’re the worked up one, she’s the cool indifferent one and in control of the relationship. The worse you react, the more you tell her that she has you… well, by the balls actually.
Just dial it down and accept that tonight is not the night you’re getting laid by her. Then you slowly turn up the heat with working on getting yourself in better shape, dressing better, being more sociable and generally doing everything that I advise on this blog. Maybe she reacts better to you once you’re in shape and being more Alpha. If she doesn’t, then you move to phase 2 and start meeting other women. If that doesn’t work then you head to phase 3 and crank up the drama with heading for the door and having sex with other women. Give her fair warning though, you want her to fold and give it up to you. Nothing gets a woman more sexually keyed up than being dumped for someone else right in her face.
If you want you can have a more relaxing evening by asking earlier in the evening for a specific sexual act later that night (never just ask “do you want to have sex?”, always ask for a specific sex act “want to do doggystyle later tonight?”) If she say’s “no” early on, then you at least have a few more hours without the anxious tension building up all night. Do still keep talking to her that evening, don’t go off and pout – that just feeds her inner attention whore with lots of negative attention. Kissing her ass and being mad just feeds her; positive attention or negative attention is all just attention, which is what attention whores want. Ideally the reaction is that she turned you down and it didn’t matter to you all that much.
Raping her though is just a horribly wrong idea and completely ineffective at getting you what you really want. Yes it is completely normal to be utterly pissed off at a woman cheating you out of your marriage. Don’t just rage and vent about it though, you have to regain composure and focus on what you do want to achieve. I know that it hurts being rejected and abused by someone you deeply love. But you have to move beyond feeling that pain and start working on a productive solution. It isn’t an easy fix and doesn’t happen in a day. Hang in there.
If you really want to mess with her head, when you ask for a sex act and she turns you down, say “ok, thank you”. But say it like you are actually thanking her, no snarky in there. Just thank her for her clear answer that frees up your evening. Wait until about the 5th or 6th time she says “no” though. She will wonder what the hell is going on with you…
As an aside, attention whores can make wonderful sex partners. You just channel the way they get attention from you into the sexual area and tell her what a wonderful girl she is while she’s fucking you. That’s why they’re called attention whores in the first place.
I’m not sure how it started, but the common scene ender in porn is for the man to ejaculate onto the woman’s face. Sometimes you can see the woman just scrunching their face up and trying to find their happy place when it happens. One would think that anything that makes porn people grossed out is generally really nasty. I hate getting to the end of a good scene and then the pornbabe looks like shes trying not to cry and barf. I really don’t react well to women doing something sexual they don’t want to do, total boner killer. So yeah I’m a softy I admit it. Plus a couple times in my career as a nurse I’ve had “fluids” squirted in my direction without my prior consent. (Do. Not. Want.) So as a result I always disliked the idea of cuming on Jennifer’s face as being offensive and humiliating.