2011 February | Married Man Sex Life

A Big Day of Beta but with a Happy Ending

February 28, 2011 By Athol Kay 12 Comments

We’ve been sick. I’ve had a semi-mild sore throat into sinus-something into a week of congestion and bad cough that have finally seemed to have come to an end. Jennifer has done something similar as well for the past week and a half as well. I actually ordered her to bed without sex on Thursday night she looked so awful. I stayed up leveling up my priest on World of Warcraft. Said she felt better on Friday, so no doctor visit.

So anyway, we’re finally stopping being sickish and limping through work and I have all of next week off to really churn out the final edits of the book and just be done with the damn thing. I’m so mentally done with nursing, I’ve done all I can do to make things better at work with streamlining the paperwork and training. It’s all just maintenance of a system now. So I’m very happy to not do anything nursing related for a solid nine days.

Which of course is a perfect explanation of why I was at the hospital with my parents-in-law for 4-5 hours yesterday. Jennifer had to work, the girls not so interested and I planned to be there for a long time as mom-in-law needed to do something in the afternoon as well. Anyway, dad-in-law had a touch of this and a something else that he’d been fighting off for a week, then to the ER, admitted, IV and anti-biotics and a couple of boring days and he’ll be out. Just that being in hospital sucks, even if it’s a good hospital and the staff are nice. Yes it’s Beta, but I wasn’t thinking of game - if you give a damn you go visit.

So I hung out for a few hours. We chatted, watched the UCONN game, father-in-law slipped in and out of sleep and awake, I cleared my email and wrote a post. I’m sure you all get that I like Jennifer, but I like her parents too. Mom-in-law never went off to do her thing, so all a waste of time in one sense, but I didn’t want to leave either. Very peaceful there for some reason. Mildly awkward moment when I said if they needed anything during the next few days to call me as I was off work and didn’t mind helping out. They questioned why I was off work and I couldn’t remember whether or not Jennifer had told them about the blog, so I just said I had a project to finish off. I mean how the hell are you meant to explain to your in-laws “I write about your daughter’s vagina on the Internet”?

I got home later than I thought and discovered Jennifer ashen looking and in a fetal position on our bed. Stomach cramps from the bonus round of GI upset that hit her in the early hours of the night before. She’d struggled through finishing up her booth at the fair and just come home and bottomed out. Crap – I’m a nurse again… medicated her for that and we’re all hungry but we’d delayed grocery shopping for the hospital visit. Crap.

So turned the oven on, then shot back out and collected two crispy crust pizzas (on sale!) at the store and raced back home. The girls and I had pizza and Jennifer stumbled out looking a little better and I tempted her with bread sticks into eating a little something. Kissed her softly on the cheek and whispered she was off that night as well. Just get some rest, I don’t mind.

We sent the kids to bed and I settled in for a few hours play of Warcraft again - I can’t fall asleep easily without having sex unless I’m really exhausted. I need that surge of hormones to switch me off at night. In fact usually I have a 5-10 minute nap after we finish, then I wake up and kiss Jennifer goodnight and only then do I fall asleep for the night. Without that I’m usually just lying awake next to her until like 2am, just up… both ways.

But I never got to log on and play; sometimes all the Beta stuff does pay off. Jennifer wasn’t at her best yet, but she’d recovered enough over the evening to offer a handjob of the cum on her breasts variety – probably the one that requires the least effort on her part.

“You don’t have to do this, I said you could have the night off to rest.”

“I know, it’s okay.”

So I graciously conceded the debate. I’d tell you how the handjob went, but I’m quite sleepy.

Filed Under: Captain and First Officer

Batshit Crazy Part 3

February 27, 2011 By Athol Kay 21 Comments

Marcus has left a new comment on your post “Batshit Crazy Part 2“:

“A shit test you can’t handle is still just a shit test.

In all seriousness, this video is merely a description of the female of our species. And I say that as a man who loves women. Running good game means putting down each of those bad behaviors when they crop up.

I don’t condone the “batshit crazy” copout. If you’re getting tested harder than you’ve ever been tested before, congratulations, you’ve met a very hot, in-demand girl. This is what game is for.”

I think Marcus is right… and Marcus is wrong. The question is simply where is the dividing line between a hot girl with a sense of entitlement testing you… and someone that has true psychiatric mental health issues. With the hot girl testing you, game will work. Someone with a chemical imbalance in their head will not care a damn about your game and can become very dangerous.

As an aside, I work with psych patients and I sure as hell do not use game on someone that is destablizing on us. We have behavior plans, medication regimes, protective holds and 911 calls if the situation cannot be contained. Me saying “batshit crazy” is color commentary for a lay audience when I’m off work; at work it’s all about counting the control drugs and being relaxed in an endless swirl of chaos. But I can’t really say anything more about that, and you’ll all here for the sex angle, so…

Pull up a chair…

About twenty years ago, I had a crazy girlfriend. Except I didn’t know she was crazy because she was on her best behavior before we dated and then the crazy started leaking out slowly. I didn’t understand this at the time, I just knew she was a bit emotional and snapped at me a lot, but that was what my mum did to me as well, so it seemed normal enough. I had no idea then why she was so snappy at me, but looking back I can see that the more clothes I got off her, the more crazy started coming into play. Lets just say “topless crazy” was my breaking point and we can move on from there.

Anyway, her needy phone calls drove me crazy, and that was complicated by the fact that we worked together as well. So she’d get in some kind of trouble at work and she’d call me straight away to vent / rage / cry about it. Ugh.

I forget exactly what had triggered it, but I had started really wondering why I was in this relationship as it just didn’t seem worth it. (The work thing had turned pretty awkward to be honest as it was a supposed secret as well, so that added a layer of drama.) I didn’t even say that I was thinking of breaking up with her, but she suddenly started telling this impassioned story about how when her prior boyfriend had broken up with her, she had purposely driven her car into a telephone pole as some sort of failed suicide attempt. She told me this story in the tone of voice that implied that her actions then, were somehow my fault. Confusing…

Plus in the telling of the story, she made it very clear that she felt a lot stronger about her prior boyfriend, than she did about me. I know now that she did that purposely to hurt me; at the time I was hurt by it and focused on trying to deal with the emotion of that. I also had this odd skin crawling sensation that something wasn’t right with all this. But I was young, stupid and could get her top off… so I just let it go.

About two or three weeks later she explodes on me screaming that she hates her father, hates her ex-boyfriend, hates her brothers and she hates men. She hates, hates, hates all men.

And the lights finally come on in my head. I’m a man, therefore you will hate me. All this mean shit you do to me isn’t actually my fault and isn’t even about anything I’m doing to you. I’m wrong by default. Then I realize with crystal clarity – this is not a problem I can fix.

With that screaming fit, I saw no future with with her.Which considering I was a devout Christian at the time, meant time with her was a pointless delay in finding a wife and sex life. So… game over girlfriend. Game over.

I wish I could say that I cut her out of my life like a cancer and never looked back, but my feelings for her stayed for a while. A few weeks after I dumped her I went back to see her again, I’m not really sure why. She was in her front yard doing weeding and the moment she saw me, her face twisted into venom. After listening to her verbal tirade long enough to realize there would be no end to it, I just turned around and drove away to safely and happiness. Thank goodness we worked on separate floors at work.

So looking back, I just don’t see anything I could have really done that would have changed that deep inner hatred. I could have probably knocked off the harassing needy calls at work and taken the edge off things, but all that would have done was extend the relationship longer into the future before I dumped her. Topless crazy would have turned into bottomless crazy, and then into sex crazy – who knows what that might have been like with her. And yes she was cute, with a great body, I’ll give her that much. But that ain’t enough. The purpose of marriage is not for a man to save a woman.

The last thing I remember of her was that her, myself and one of the other single girls from work had gone to a Christian music festival weekend. Me in my tent, the two of them in a shared tent and her back to good behavior. At some point on the final night both girls ended up in my tent talking and things started to progress between me and the other girl. I believe we pointedly froze my ex-girlfriend out and she fled the tent in tears.

Me and the other girl made out heavily, which was both nice (great girl, really liked her), but also awkward in that I felt near zero fireworks when kissing her (totally unexpected). Fortunately, I was due to head to America for my summer camp experience and she was about to go to South Africa on a short term mission. So we agreed to just hold off on getting into a relationship and see what happened when we were back. (She met a guy in SA and married him.)

A week or so later it was time for my big adventure in America. I packed my bags for the plane and said goodbye to the girls, goodbye mum and dad, goodbye New Zealand and goodbye to my job at The Bible Society.

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife, Instigate Isolate and Escalate, Nice Guys and Betaization

Batshit Crazy Part 2

February 26, 2011 By Athol Kay 12 Comments

Half the 6th grade is here for a sleepover party. So here’s a lightning quick post.

Off work all next week!

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife

Reader Story: Husband Finally Gets It

February 25, 2011 By Athol Kay 12 Comments

Hi Athol,

I’ve never emailed a stranger before, but I wanted to tell you how much I love your blog. I happened to click on your blog from demandingjoy. I don’t even read demandingjoy, but a friend of mine refered me to the post on things we need to stop teaching girls. Anyway, I am still in the midst of catching up on all your past posts, but I couldn’t wait to tell you how genius I think it is. Hey, everyone likes compliments, right?

I guess I should give you a little background…I have been married for over 10 years. My husband and I were pretty well matched as far as sex rank goes when we got together, but he has gained about 80 pounds since he put a ring on my finger. Naturally, my sexual attraction for him faded. We have four kids, and I have gotten my body back into shape after each one. I work out at least 5 days a week, and I have a great body. For years, I have tried everything I could possibly think of to get him to lose weight, and it was all met with empty promises and excuses on his part or turning it around on me that I’m so shallow, love what’s on the inside, blah, blah, blah. So, in addition to feeling like I’m not sexually attracted to my husband, I felt terribly guilty for feeling this way.

We were both virgins until the wedding day. (BTW-I totally agree with you on the virginity thing…there were so many reasons why I decided to wait, and none of them happen to be that I was or am sexually inhibited, or that I didn’t have opportunity). Anyway, although I never thought I would be a person who cheated, I had started to think about it more and more. I felt like I had already been cheated out of having a hot husband, why not do it? The Rationalization Hamster had gone to work in a big way.

Oh, I guess I should also give your the background that not only do I keep my body in shape, but I’m a great wife in many other ways…I am smart and educated, I cook, clean, bake (from scratch, of course), I take care of our kids, I don’t nag him to come home from work (he works late) or call him at work much, I work part-time to be able to bring money home to the pot, I am adventurous and uninhibited in bed (I still kept having sex 2-4 times per month because I did feel like it was a wifely obligation, but he always begged for more-super turn-off, btw). I was feeling like, WTF, I do all this for him, and he can’t even work out? I might as well go find another hot body to f**k.

I was totally going down that road. Then, 2 things happened: 1. we found out a very close female friend of ours was cheating, and it rocked both of us. 2. I found your blog. I emailed my husband the post on why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. He started working out the next day. That was 3 weeks ago, and so far, he has maintained a workout regimen. We had a huge talk about everything. I even told him I had considered cheating, and instead of telling me I was some sort of whore, he apologized!! He said he finally realizes how much he has let me down. Now, obviously it will take time for him to get into shape, but just the effort that he has been putting into it has been a turn-on for me. We have had more sex in the last 3 weeks than in the previous 3 months. If you want, I can keep you updated.

Perfect example of everything I talk about here. Nothing to add, just keep it up.

Filed Under: The Male Action Plan (MAP)

How a Bad MMF Leads to Polyamory Weakly

February 25, 2011 By Athol Kay 2 Comments

From Polyamory Weekly: “After losing his wife to his best friend and acknowledging he is comfortable with swinging, Tony asks if he should be poly.”

At first I just laughed out loud – he couldn’t even handle a relationship with one woman, how is he capable of handling a relationship with more than one woman? No don’t do that, you just can’t handle it.

I never got around to posting on it, but it stuck in my head. Now that I’m looking at it again, it looks a little different.

Filed Under: Monogamy and Marriage 2.0

Bad Wife Choice: Avoiding a Huge Mistake

February 24, 2011 By Athol Kay 8 Comments

Via Facebook message…

“It’s absolutely jaw dropping how much the content from MMSL and Taken in Hand models what the Scriptures say marriage is supposed to be like sans the disciplinary spanking aspect of TIH. However, those three are nothing like what is considered a “Christian Marriage” in today’s standard. I understand that you’re no longer a believer . . .I currently am and this information has been very important in search for a good relationship. Last time I wrote you I was engaged, I’ve since called it off for a myriad of reasons including the fact that I didn’t have peace from God about the situation. In addition to that your blog/site has helped me realize the type of relationship that I REALLY WANT versus just accepting whatever is handed to me. I also realize now how important it is to become the type of man that is necessary to be in what I consider to be a good marriage. In short, thanks again. You helped to save me from making a HUGE mistake!”

I replied:

You are most welcome. I’m not religious anymore, but I do keep having Christians telling me I’m biblical. I just take it as a compliment, but it’s not really something I’m trying to do.

I’m sure the decision you made wasn’t without difficulty and some pain though. I hope you find the one and have as much happiness as Jennifer and I do. And thank you. It really does make a difference to me.

Athol

My hunch though… let’s say he’s a 7 and he’s engaged to a 7. After reading MMSL and learning a few more things, he sees a clear path to get to him to be an easy 8 or maybe even a full 9 if he really puts his mind to it. But she’s still going to be a 7 or she’s been resisting his positive changes – a very bad sign of things to come. So the Rationalization Hamster in the Sky makes him feel uncomfortable and he breaks it off. Now he seeks a 9; he deserves one.

Hey I may be wrong, it’s just a hunch, but I’m getting good at this stuff. I’ve also been right there myself, looking at a woman I deeply love, crush hard on and just having that sense of disconnection that something just isn’t right. It pained me to not get involved, but if I had moved on her I know it would have played out badly and I would have never even met Jennifer.

So whether or not you believe in: God, fate, the Rationalization Hamster in the Sky, science, The Force, or whatever you care to believe in, understand that your choice in wife will utterly define your life in ways you cannot comprehend as yet. I’m not against thinking with the little head either. In fact I think that’s pretty important, I’m just in favor of having the little head and the big head agree that it’s a good idea to join to her.

Though do try and figure out whether or not the little head is just bullshiting the big head into making a quick decision. If you have a bad feeling about it just lurking inside you… step away from her for a couple days, away from her pheromones, away from the genetic information you get from her lingering kiss, away from the draw of her cleavage and the curve of her ass. Then think about it just a little more. If she’s the one, she’ll still be the one three days from now.

Also do not offer marriage within three days of having your face anywhere near her vagina. The smell of pussy is designed to control your mind and make you her minion. It’s beyond me why wives ever nag their husbands to do anything, when they could just sit on his face and ask nicely.

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Christchurch Earthquake

February 24, 2011 By Athol Kay 1 Comment

I’ve had a number of people ask me if my family in New Zealand are okay after the earthquakes in Christchurch. The good news for me, is that my faily lives several hundred miles away, north of Auckland and in Rotorua, so everyone is well clear of it.

Even so, 75 dead and 238 people still unaccounted for and the city of 350,000 people is trashed.

Feel like I’m in the wrong country today.

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Be Playfully Mean To Girls Because They Like It

February 23, 2011 By Athol Kay 9 Comments

I remember a common occurance in my younger years – seeing an endless variant on boys being playfully mean to girls and having the girls squealing in outrage. Buckets of water tossed on them. Icky spiders tossed on them. Mud flicked at them. On and on and on. It was always something thrown at them that they didn’t want.

I was always appalled because that’s not a very nice way to act. On rare occasion I might say something about it and tell the boys off and tell them to stop being mean, or offer the girls my towel to dry off or whatever. I also struggled to date. No correct that. I couldn’t buy a date with a suitcase of money, my parents’ booze and a limo. Even worse was that frequently…no correct that…even worse was that all the time, the sunbathing girl that got a bucket of water tossed on her started going out with the guy that threw the water.

You treat girls well and they ignore you. You treat girls bad and they want you. That makes no sense. Is the world broken?

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else, Nice Guys and Betaization

Cynical Advice on Responsible Non-Monogamy

February 21, 2011 By Athol Kay 33 Comments

I’ve been asked about “responsible non-monogamy” a couple times over the last few months. I don’t advise stepping into this realm, but should you decide to venture there, let me give you this somewhat cynical advice…

Whether it be cuckolding, swinging or polyamory, the common theme is that the culture they establish is a matriarchal one. The purpose is to create a sub-culture where normal sexual mores are removed and replaced with a shame-free environment, where the normal covert desire for opportunitisic extra-pair-copulations, is allowed to become an overt one.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0

A Short Message from the Rationalization Hamster

February 20, 2011 By Athol Kay 27 Comments

From Talk About Marriage…

We have been married for 10 years. Our sexual life has slowed down and became less exciting. So…. when my wife started showing an interest in a co-worker, who is married, we started fantasising about her having sex with him… It turned us on and reignited our sex life. Slowly, to keep the fantasy going, I started encouraging her to flirt more and more with him. Well… Two months ago she started having sex with him and she has developed a strong emotional bond with him. I never thought she would actually do it! It started out as a fantasy that we both enjoyed, now she is actively involved in an intense affair.

It has been two months now and there are no signs that it is going to slow down. I feel like I caused this because I started out with the fantasy… I don’t feel right about telling her to stop… On the other hand, so far our sex life has been completely renewed, she has a sexual energy that I have not seen since we first met.

Any advice? Make her stop, or…