A Short Message from the Rationalization Hamster

We have been married for 10 years. Our sexual life has slowed down and became less exciting. So…. when my wife started showing an interest in a co-worker, who is married, we started fantasising about her having sex with him… It turned us on and reignited our sex life. Slowly, to keep the fantasy going, I started encouraging her to flirt more and more with him. Well… Two months ago she started having sex with him and she has developed a strong emotional bond with him. I never thought she would actually do it! It started out as a fantasy that we both enjoyed, now she is actively involved in an intense affair.
It has been two months now and there are no signs that it is going to slow down. I feel like I caused this because I started out with the fantasy… I don’t feel right about telling her to stop… On the other hand, so far our sex life has been completely renewed, she has a sexual energy that I have not seen since we first met.
Any advice? Make her stop, or…
Buy Me!


  1. inferno says

    Sounds like a drama bomb waiting to explode.
    On the other hand… most relationships fizzle out after a while, so at least ya have that going for ya.

  2. Timitz says

    I don't even…
    I don't understand…
    He wanted her to…
    I'm just having a hard time understanding, why you would find your wife having sex with other guys hot. Maybe if it was your wife having sex with other women… yeah, that could make sense, but I don't understand how it could be hot if she was sleeping with other guys on you.

    I totally get wanting other guys to find your wife hot, because then you totally get the satisfaction that comes with knowing that you have what everyone else wants.

    He basically told her to have sex with the guy though. He really did, and now he is stuck, because like it or not, she won't stop.

  3. Athol Kay says

    Timitz – it's hot because it evokes a sperm warfare competitive response in the husband. The thought of another man having sex with her as a FANTASY is safe as a turn on and he'll come harder inside her etc. As a REALITY though he's both having that same reaction and pure terror that he's losing his wife.

    She gets hot because she gets both the more attractive male and because she gets to mix multiple males sperm inside her.

    Consider it a very exciting rollercoaster ride, but the endpoint may be the loss of his wife.

  4. Anonymous says

    All she wanted was for him to get angry and possess her all over again.

    Betaization complete – he has obviously been without mojo for some time.

  5. The Private Man says

    Just wow. I hit the Talk About Marriage website a lot and enjoy your posts there. Based on what I read there, the conventional wisdom regarding marriage and how to keep it strong might just be shifting. It's encouraging to read about the "man up" and "NUTs" themes.

  6. Athol Kay says

    The Private Man – I think some of that is my effect on the Talk About Marriage boards as I've been there for 18-19 months now. I was orginially shouted down a few times but stuck it out lol.

    It's actually a really spot on place for affair triage, I've learned so much there on that issue.

  7. Anonymous says

    So, I enjoy reading your blog a lot! Even though it's geared mainly towards men, I just want to ask, is there the female equivalent of 'the game'? What is considered an Alpha Female? Also, is it possible for women to prevent affairs happening with their husbands? It would be nice to hear a male's perspective on this.

  8. Badger says

    6:21 – that would be a whole new "married woman sex life" blog lol. I won't pretend to give general advice on male infidelity since I, like a lot of people reading this, am naturally monogamous and don't seek outside sex unless it was really lacking/good at home.

    I might, however, refer you to a great text called "The Truth About Cheating, why men stray and what you can do to prevent it."


    The author noted that while 10% husbands claimed there was nothing that would have prevented the cheating, the largest plurality of men said that feeling unappreciated at home was the biggest factor. So much for the "men are sexual, women are emotional" canard.

    He illustrated this with anecdotes of bitchy, grumpy, unsatisfied wives, and like Athol did in his Alpha Profession posts, noted the exact points at which these men made the mental decision to find somewhere else to dip their stick. (It's notable that he doesn't really discuss the Atholian comfort and attraction traits of husbands and so we don't really know the full scope and balance of the marital unhappiness.)

    One anecdote stuck with me strongly – a woman who had not been cheated on but was a friend of a subject was asked if she praised her husband for earning the family money. She said "No – that's something he's just SUPPOSED to do!" I would bet a large portion of American men have gotten this attitude from their wives at some point. I have to say that being told I was taken for granted would definitely make me consider fu**ing somebody else.

    It's a good book to start thinking about the issue; I commend you asking the question. Unfortunately, there are some in the relationship advice world for whom telling a woman what she can do to reduce the risk of her husband having sex with someone else equals blaming the victim.

  9. Badger says

    "All she wanted was for him to get angry and possess her all over again. Betaization complete – he has obviously been without mojo for some time."

    I reacted sort of along these lines. The way I read it, he had a real lack of confidence in his own virility, to the point he decided "I can't make myself any sexier, instead I'm going to have my wife imagine she's with a sexier man and I'll just go along for the ride."

    Still, the story just blows my mind. He's a fool, and his wife is absolutely awful.

    Personally, I need the woman to be into it or I might as well be masturbating, so knowing that my girl was thinking about someone else mid-coitus would get me flaccid in a heartbeat.

  10. Athol Kay says

    Badger – "knowing that my girl was thinking about someone else mid-coitus would get me flaccid in a heartbeat."

    That would be a terrible display of weakness to her. You have to get hard and fuck the shit out of her instead. You have to go Alpha.

  11. elhaf says

    Also, won't someone think of the poor woman being cheated on, on the other side? The co-worker is married, it says. There are arguments to be made about third-party knowledge of affairs and what to do about it, but in this case, I think it's pretty clear.

  12. Jack Amok says

    Anon at 6:21, the female equivalent of Alpha Game is composed of three things:

    1. looking good in a short skirt/tight sweater(and wearing them often)
    2. Being available for, and enthusiastic about, sex with your husband
    3. Being completely unavailable for, and unenthusiastic about, sex with any other man.

    That's really it. Look good, be available, be loyal. Do those three things and unless you married a certified cad, you should be fine.

    #2 and #3 should not be hard – they're just a matter of attitude. Some women will complain about #1 though, saying it's unfair, sexist, and all the rest. Or worse, that it's too hard… How do you compete with some 20 year old sweet young thing?

    Well, the good news is you don't have to look like you're 20, you just have to keep yourself in decent shape. Work out, eat healthy, take care of yourself, don't use any of the millions of excuses (pregnancy, work, holidays, etc) to let yourself go. Your husband won't have unreasonable expectations, he just doesn't want you to join the muu muu of the month club or slop around in baggy sweats and t-shirts every day.

    And if you still think #1 is sexist, well, hell, all women have to do is go to the gym a few times a week to be attractive. Men have to do dangerous physical stuff like fight off intruders and chop down giant trees, or do high-stress jobs that chemically destroy their bodies from the inside. Consider yourself lucky!

  13. Mama says

    From Badger: "She said "No – [earning the family money is] something he's just SUPPOSED to do!" I would bet a large portion of American men have gotten this attitude from their wives at some point. I have to say that being told I was taken for granted would definitely make me consider fu**ing somebody else."

    What about the husband who expects his wife to stay home and raise the kids, cook and clean, and wait on him, but doesn't thank her for it. Isn't that being taken for granted too?

    Or what about the wife who ALSO works to make the "family money"? Should her husband thank her for helping allow them a better lifestyle? What about thanking the wife who works to support her husband (during school, career change, layoff, not because he's lazy)?

    What has to happen before a wife is considered "taken for granted by her husband"?

  14. Badger says


    "What about the husband who expects his wife to stay home and raise the kids, cook and clean, and wait on him, but doesn't thank her for it. Isn't that being taken for granted too?"

    This has nothing to do with what we are discussing here. (You might discuss your comment on any one of the three posts Athol wrote last week about underappreciated wives.) A commenter asked about preventing a husband's infidelity; I pointed out that major research on male infidelity showed ingratitude was the number one cause of male cheating with the anecdote I quoted being exemplary of the kinds of attitudes that drive men into other women's arms.

    I'm picturing you coming into the thread, shoving everyone aside and shouting "why don't you MEN just shut up, I'M the one who's not appreciated!" I guess that because there are unappreciated wives it's OK for a woman to be snotty and entitled about her husband's income.

  15. deckard says




    Seriously. Is that guy trolling Athol? Because this isn't even "beta" – it speaks of "omega". yeah, his sex-per-month sessions may have ticked up a few points from zero, but all he is now is merely a stunt cock for when alpha-male other-guy isn't railing her.

    That's right. Stunt cock. Not even human. A board with a dildo nailed to it. No emotion attached to it. No emotion attached to him anymore.

    I would go so far to argue that her improved attitude in their home is RESIDUAL to her sexual sexcapades. His acquiescence to her sex adventures with other dude did not make things better – it was a consequence, not the cause, of this change. He is, perhaps in some sense, fortunate that he's receiving residual benefits from this. She could just as well have blocked him out completely. At least THEN he wouldn't have to write to Athol and ask "what do i dooooo???" ….but I question whether he would have the dignity to actually wind up his business with his wife and do what is necessary.

    He should be counting his blessings at this point.

    Seriously, was I not the only one who felt utter contempt, utter bewilderment, at what this guy wrote??

    I don't know how this guy can possibly be given a pat on the back, a thumbs up, or any semblance of approval for this. This is de facto cuckolding here. Whether she ultimately gets a kid in her womb is out of his control (or her's or her lover's control either).

    @ Athol: "Losing his wife"?? He lost her a long time ago it seems. The very fact that he was willing and open to approve of her new sex adventures with another guy says SO MUCH about this dude that it should (imho) be used as a lesson of what will happen if you act like a lesser beta/omega during marriage: your wife will lose her joie-de-vivre, her passion, her lightness of being…..and this will continue until she realizes that her own happiness is in her hands….and in another man's bed.

  16. Athol Kay says

    Deckard – if you had a no or low sex marriage, and then you stumble onto something that made your wife feel and act more sexy, wouldn't it make sense to do it again?

    And then if you took it a little further and she got even more excited, wouldn't that be even better?

    And then a little more and a little more and then oh dear god what have I done?!?!

    He's no different than many of my readers, but instead of stumbling onto MMSL and doing the Alpha/Beta thing and ramping her up that way, he stumbled onto cuckolding.

    It's tragic. It's why I'm here.

  17. Anonymous says

    Stories like this make me glad I've never married. Yes, I know there are good marriages out there but finding one is like trying to walk blindfolded through a minefield.

  18. deckard says

    @ Athol: Fair Point. It's more than tragic. It's as if someone caught in the Madoff ponzi scheme realized that his money was being squandered but could only continue investing with Madoff because he enjoyed the idea of telling people his return on investment were so amazing.

    My heart really wants to go out to this guy, but dagnabit, it's just so backwards.

    Here's another concern I have for the guy. When does this end for her? Sure, she may grow tired of the office worker, but who can really say that her craving for five minutes of alpha won't transfer to some other guy's cock? And then the next. And the next.

    And we all know what's probably going to happen: as soon as he tries to convince her to stop doing what she's doing, ol' rationalization hamster comes out and makes her blurt out, "you just don't want me to be happy!!"

    Which, now that I think about it, might actually have some merit: if this is how things have turned out, I wonder how long she's been in an unhappy marriage with an omega? (One other thing that comes to mind: women are more-often-than-not driven by their emotions – perhaps the rationalization hamster is a vehicle with which to explain their emotion-based decision making? Food for thought.)

    I wonder, what is the most productive way this man can stop the cycle without her flying off the wheel? I haven't seen much discussion.

    My thoughts are that it can' be sorted out in a conversation. And it can't be an argument based on reason. Perhaps the only way to make this end (for him) is to take your own advice in a slightly different context: be more alpha and hotter than the next guy.

    It's probably not impossible for this guy to learn game and to stand up for himself. I think it's a matter of whether he can learn game before his wife integrates this new precedent.

  19. Anonymous says

    I the guy that wrote the letter. Let me provide some more information that may or may not help….

    First… Their relationship is still going on, but I think it is winding down. The "new sex" thing is fading.

    Second… The mojo thing… You know sometimes the loss of mojo is a physical thing and not something you can control. People should not judge unless they have been there. In my case I am 60 and she is 40. During the last year my mojo has suffered a serious setback. I am in great shape, I work out almost everyday. Most people are shocked when they find out that I am 60 years old. But age does have its effect. My doctor has me on Levitra and it helps, but still I'm not 40. So, it's tough. All of the sudden she out ranks me and I am not able to respond! So, I think an affair was inevitable, but it least it is in the open.

    I not sure how this will turn out. I still love her deeply and I do everything I can to be her Alpha man. But it is hard. In the end I don't know if I can overcome the age difference.

    So, please don't judge. I have only done what I thought I could do to keep the wife I love so much.


  20. Anonymous says

    This reminds me, there is a show on A&E called breakout kings. In the show, US marshalls use convicts to help them catch other escaped convicts. This one particular scene, 2 of the convicts were posing as husband and wife. They were playing as a couple, where the husband liked to watch his wife seducing and sleep with other men. they were using this scam to get info from a mark. The remaining cops/convicts were outside waiting in the van and had a conversation:

    Shea – “You really think Philly’s game is going to work?… some dude, is going to watch his ole lady get tagged by another dude?… I mean that actually goes down?!”

    Ray – “Apparently…”

    Shea – “Ha, I said it before and Ill say it again… white people are crazy!”

    Then I realized, we are crazy! I am willing to bet this whole open marriage, "let my wife bang other people" sh*t. is 95% white guys doing it. Any comments on this? why this whole "cuckold" thing is overwhelmingly white guys? I dont see very many black guys, ever coming close, to being in the position of the OP…atleast not any that i know…

  21. Athol Kay says

    I think that there's been about ten years of "black stud, white wife" porn that has defined the fantasy/reality set up as a major factor.

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