Alpha Professions and Under-Appreciated Wives: Part 3

This was a long comment on Alpha Professions and Under-Appreciated Wives. I just liked it as a comment, so republishing it as a post.
Anonymous said…
I was a naïve 20 year old virgin when I entered what I thought was going to be a storybook marriage to my alpha-male trial-lawyer super-athlete husband, the husband who had more notches in his belt than anyone could count. Also, this husband was 10+ years older than me.
The first few years of marriage were Hell. Aside from devoting a lot of hours to work, he played sports 5, yeah count ‘em FIVE nights a week. No amount of begging on my part could dissuade him from doing this. The worst part about my marriage was that Hubby decided it would be wrong of him to break off his friendships with his ex-girlfriends, including the one that had appeared in Playboy. Heaven forbid he might offend them by saying “hey, I’m married now,” so he kept those friendships going. The many screaming tearful fights I would have with him about this resulted in the same two responses over and over again: “I have to maintain my relationships for business purposes,” and “you’re so insecure.” 
The funny thing is, he is not your classic alpha male asshole to anyone else. This man had and still has a solid reputation for being the kindest, most considerate man his friends, clients and acquaintances have ever known. He will go out on a limb to do anything for anyone. When our boys were born, he was unanimously declared “father of the year” by friends and family for being so perfect. For so many years I felt so jealous that others felt this way about him, yet I, his wife, could not feel this way about him.
I have always been madly in love with my husband, and have always respected him (even if I did resent him at times) but 15 years into this gig my attitude finally changed. I decided I no longer cared who he maintained his friendships with or what he did in his spare time. Along with this attitude change, I felt myself “caring a little less about him,” and this makes me sad.  (Note the breaking point and emotional cashing out – Athol)
We have been married 20 years now. I don’t mean to brag, but it would be leaving out an important detail if I were not to mention that my sex rank FAR outranks his, unless you count his ability to earn a paycheck, which I have to admit, I could never come close to. (We do count that, but half of it belongs to you anyway because you are married to him.)  I am easily an 8 or a 9, don’t look anywhere close to my age. I can tell several of my husband’s friends and acquaintances harbor crushes on me, but due to my ultra-conservative upbringing I could never have an affair on my husband. In fact, I don’t even have male friends. I feel that getting close to a friend of the opposite sex would betray my husband’s trust in me. I wish my husband could have also felt this way from the beginning.
Of course with time and age he has settled down quite a bit, and in the last few years, he has even come to depend on me emotionally. I know that’s an odd thing to say. Aren’t most husbands supposed to depend emotionally on their wives? Not mine; not until recently. But like I said, things are different now. Maybe the balance of power has shifted somewhat.  (It has, it sounds like you have a higher Sex Rank than him now and you love him less than he loves you. So you’re in charge of the relationship now.)
So that’s my story. It feels good to be able to share, even if it is with anonymous strangers.
I do have a question for you though, why are you here at this blog?

There’s more story here I think…

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I have always been madly in love with my husband, and have always respected him (even if I did resent him at times) but 15 years into this gig my attitude finally changed. I decided I no longer cared who he maintained his friendships with or what he did in his spare time.

    This goes decidedly against the unappreciated wife angle and fits solidly in the "when the alpha's all gone, so is her love" category.

    She was madly in love for 15 asshole-filled years. Then, when she began to outrank him on the 1-10 scale (proof: she was no longer worried that he was attracting other women in his spare time), her love dissipated.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    That's possible Anon. Though there is no indication that he stopped being Alpha before she lost interest. I suspect that he's reacting to her change of heart towards him. He's Betaizing trying to keep her.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Though there is no indication that he stopped being Alpha

    It's right here: "I decided I no longer cared who he maintained his friendships with or what he did in his spare time."

    Translation: She felt in her bones that he was no longer a sexual threat to outside women. That could only happen if his sex rank tanked, because he started out with massive mojo.

  4. Athol Kay says:

    If she had said he let himself go physically it would make more sense. I'm not sure a 45 super lawyer probably having affairs was going to tank his Sex Rank suddenly. She said her feelings changed rather than he changed.

    For whatever reason it happened though, she's in the drivers seat now.

  5. Athol Kay says:

    gah should be 45 year old

  6. Anonymous says:

    All I know is that jealousy is not something women or men can "decide" to stop feeling.

    But maybe you're right. Can the lady in question help us by providing more detail? As you say, it's likely there is more to the story.

  7. Anonymous says:

    This guy never really appreciated what he had. Got the young virgin that supposedly all men want to marry (even if they do some considerable man-whoring themselves) and neglected her. She was just a trophy and baby vending machine; not a loved partner (if he had former Playmates as friends, no doubt his wife was a looker also).

    I don't think it's a question of alpha/beta at all here, or sex rank. She got older, grew up mentally and emotionally, and was no longer the young girl "madly in love." He basically ignored her for all those years; why wouldn't her feelings change? I don't think playing some little alpha sexy-man tricks are going to resurrect a dead marriage. Does she stay for the kids' sake?

    The only question now is what will she do. Please answer our questions, mystery lady!

  8. haleyshalo says:

    Athol–
    Your reader's husband is now in his early to mid-50s (reader said she was 20 at the time of marriage and that her husband was over ten years older, and they have been married for 20 years. So that puts him solidly in the 50-55 range.) Many men, once they reach their 50s, start to slow down physically, mellow out, and show their age. This is the double-edged sword of men marrying much younger trophy wives – you get her while she's young and hot and you can parade her around to the envy of all your friends, but if you don't treat her well, the tables will turn when you're on the decline and she's still hot enough to pull.

  9. Anonymous says:

    "I'm not sure a 45 [year old] super lawyer probably having affairs was going to tank his Sex Rank suddenly."

    It's not sudden, but here: "Of course with time and age he has settled down quite a bit…"

    He's no longer playing sport 5 times a week (and at 50 who would be). Physically he's no where near like he used to be? Fewer girls are chasing him. If he got back in shape and stopped being emotionally dependant, wouldn't it be just like those first 15 years she was madly in love with him?

    As it stands, this suggests to me that being an asshole is better than to risk acting too beta, even 15-20 years down the line. This woman's 40. If she cashed out now, she'd get half his stuff and get a great lothario, but all the good husbands would be taken. Although if she's as good a rank as she thinks she is, she could probably entice an unhappy hubby away.

  10. Jet Tibet says:

    Aren’t most husbands supposed to depend emotionally on their wives?

    I used to think so ("she' the one that I trust, I tell it to Carrie")…

    But no, in reality emotional dependence causes wives to lose respect and admiration for their husbands.

  11. Jet Tibet says:

    The interesting thing about this story is that it's tempting (for me at least) to empathize with the woman and the sad way she characterizes her marriage ….

    But it's clear that the husband played his hand pretty well and she has been "madly in love" the whole time …

  12. Badger says:

    Athol,

    This discussion brings to mind one other factor in long-hours working – avoiding home life.

    I realize these posts are not discussing that particular flavor, but it's something that should be considered if a man is spending more and more time at work. Maybe it's not the work he likes, it's just better than being home if the home is crazy or the wife is naggy or maybe he just doesn't like family life as much as he thought he would.

    In fact, Keoni Galt just posted on it.

    http://hawaiianlibertarian.blogspot.com/2011/02/is-your-home-haven-or-hellhole.html

  13. Anonymous says:

    I think these topics hit such a nerve for both sexes because it's so easy to get caught up in this. Each raise or promotion is like a self esteem boost for a guy. Especially if wife at home is naggy or treats you like you never do anything right. So doing right at work is a way for dude to say "See someone thinks I'm great." Other way is for him to bang his secretary who is ten years younger and hotter than his wife and who thinks he walks on water. But those things never turn out well. Wonder how a wife, who in my experience, doesn't turn her nose up at the material rewards of her man's work (either during the marriage or in cashing out at divorce) can help the man to be more balanced in regards to work and help the guy replace the high of the work atta-boys! with positive experiences at home with wife and family. Maybe it all gets back to appropriate wife selection. Dunno.

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