I believe that in many marriages where the husband has been caught up in work at the expense of family, many wives struggle with holding the marriage together for years, or even decades, before reaching a breaking point and giving up on him.
The breaking point comes when the wife realizes she can never have him the way she wants. He’s always physically gone, or mentally and emotionally gone even when he’s at home. So all that’s really left that she can have is the house, the kids, the money and the stuff. Ironically, for the men that work so hard building a huge pile of stuff “for their family”, when she gives up on having him, the more stuff he built up, the bigger her incentive to simply walk away and cash out.
She may or may not cash out of the relationship with a divorce, but she will cash out of the relationship emotionally. That breaking point can happen several years before the divorce or affairs might hit the fan, but the relationship is effectively dead in the water at that point. It’s extremely to game her back to the same level of love that she had because she has hardened herself against him. As William Congreve wrote;
Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.
There is no question in my mind that women exiting a marriage can do the most horrific things to their husbands, and yes the family court system is slanted towards women winning at the expense of men. However sometimes all this happens because karma is a bitch. When a woman turns feral in the final year of marriage, it’s easy to point at that as something that was the cause of the marriage failure; it’s more likely a symptom of the marriage failure.
And yes I get that the husband could have been working all the time for his family and she should have appreciated it. But maybe she did appreciate him for fifteen years and he never appreciated her back for what she did for him. So she snapped and here’s the result.
To be sure there are women that are evil or crazy that ruthlessly exploit men via marriage, but most aren’t like that. Seriously, it’s not even a case of having to argue “Not All Women Are Like That”, most aren’t like that. They may run on their female Body Agenda programming, but that’s neither evil or crazy, just different from the male Body Agenda programming. Sometimes divorce happens just because basically good people make a mess of things over a long time and screw it up. One way of screwing it up as a man is by blindly overworking a job and not paying attention to your wife’s emotional needs over many years.
Women aren’t that complicated – bring home a reasonable paycheck, talk to them, play with them, fuck them and don’t let them walk all over you. If she can’t enjoy that, then another woman will. Don’t settle for anything less.
Marriage 1.0 is over, you can’t just bring home a paycheck and think you’re doing all you need to. Does the money help? Yes of course it does, but that’s not everything. Marriage is a relationship and that takes time, effort and love. If you can’t perform the relationship part of the marriage… Marriage 2.0 might just tear your wallet out through your anus and your heart out through your chest.
Some quotes from the comments section of the prior post.
You described my EX-husband to a T except his particular Alpha job was Tech Manager for one of the biggest touring rock bands in the world. I did the house hunting (along with my full time job, child raising, household management, etc) while he was out gallivanting around the world. He came home signed the papers and flew out again. Next time he came home he actually forgot I’d moved us and he was half way to our old house before he turned around and found the new one. (Note the breaking point here – Athol)
The thing is, men who live like this, will not take your advice. They get off on the work and/or believe their ‘man role’ as the breadwinner somehow requires such sacrifice. They actually want the wife to listen to their tales of woe and sympathize.
Agree – BTDT. Now ex-wifey gets the bad times of being single, over 35 and poor. Me, I have reigned it in to make less money, but it leaves more time for new dames and other interests, like raising the kids. Ex-Wifey should have stuck around. But hey, I su*cked then. Only game I had then was making dough because I thought it was my #1 mission to support the family. It was a slow slide into that. I thought I was the champ every time I got promoted and we could get that new car or bigger house. Was really setting myself up for FAIL. Yes, I know I screwed that up. Now I’m more balanced in life areas and feel more like “me” again instead of Mr. Make The Bacon.
I’m a wife that has lived this through Stage 1 –I’m the single parent/professional and his decades of workaholism left him irrelevant to our children and my life. I could go along like this for 5, 10, then 15 years without him, until I realized how irrelevant he was to us. I tried to explain to him that whenever he said YES to patients, he was saying NO to us. I’m a doc too, so understood that he was failing to say NO to others, including his partners who treated him like the group lacky safety net.