Alpha Professions and Under-Appreciated Wives

Most men lean too heavily towards doing Beta stuff and don’t spend enough time doing the Alpha things. The result is that they have a wife that is not terribly turned on by them, but is very comfortable in the relationship. So the solution for them is to find ways to develop their Alpha Traits and reengage her attraction and therefore sexual interest in him.
But if the reverse is true – a man doing mostly Alpha things and very few Beta things, she will still have attraction, but will become very uncomfortable in the relationship and feel emotionally neglected. So for those men they need to find ways to add some Beta into their day.
If all you want is a hook up, then all you need is Alpha and you’re good to go; the Alpha Traits are what creates her attraction and turns her ON. But in a marriage that lasts years, lacking Beta Traits will make her uncomfortable and turn that attraction OFF. (Just having Beta and no Alpha doesn’t turn her on though.)
If you have an Alpha profession, such as medicine, law, upper level business, professional sports etc, you are probably already running an “Asshole Game” on your wife by default. Work sucks up a great deal of your time and you can’t always get to the phone to call her back because you are in a meeting / in court / with a patient.  Sometimes she cooks dinner and waits for you at home and you just have to cancel on her because something came up. You’re up at 530am to be at work by 645am and come home at 7pm and sometimes work at home later than that. You’re the bigshot, she’s just Mrs. Bigshot.
Plus if you throw in a hobby or serious fitness routine, your day can end at 830-9pm. Which leaves her essentially husbandless and alone all day. At least if you were deployed in Iraq or something, there’s a hope that you’ll actually come back and spend some time with her.
If she’s also playing the support role and keeping up the house, managing the children, doing your laundry and basically being a good wife, she’s not always going to feel like she is getting your positive attention for the good that she is doing. Which means in reality that you’re actually punishing her for being good, so she will eventually decide that enough is enough and start rebelling against the situation.
If your wife is basically disgusted with your lack of attention over many years, she will do things that may appear to be Fitness Tests, but actually aren’t. In a Fitness Test she is trying to spark a dominant reaction or lack thereof to create attraction. The under-appreciated wife already knows that you are dominant and doesn’t question it, she just thinks you’re a total asshole who doesn’t care about her.

All it takes for another man to seduce your under-appreciated wife is the ability to listen, to say thank you and spend some quality time with her.
Maybe you should get there first.

Comments

  1. +1
    You described my EX-husband to a T except his particular Alpha job was Tech Manager for one of the biggest touring rock bands in the world. I did the house hunting (along with my full time job, child raising, household management, etc) while he was out galavanting around the world. He came home signed the papers and flew out again. Next time he came home he actually forgot I'd moved us and he was half way to our old house before he turned around and found the new one.

    The thing is, men who live like this, will not take your advice. They get off on the work and/or believe their 'man role' as the breadwinner somehow requires such sacrifice. They actually want the wife to listen to their tales of woe and sympathize.

  2. alpharivelino says:

    congratulations buddy!

    http://brainz.org/top-100-blogs/

  3. I did a mid-life career switch. I was a mid-level IT manager. I was GOOD at my job. I was busy but I was respected. I changed careers to education. I was low man on the totem pole. I was having a hard time learning the ropes and I was at the beck and call of many women. My wife's respect for me suck to the depths. It took three years, but I'm now winning awards, getting consulting gigs and have some room to breathe and more of her respect and desire are back.

  4. sunk to the depths

  5. I have real trouble feeling sorry for the wives of jet-setting, bigwigs, who feel neglected; they knew what they were getting into when they married a high-roller, so I'm inclined to the view that they should just suck it up – and in the days before easy divorce and the court and justice systems being weighted so much in women's favour, they had to. But of course, no more. So, high roller men, beware.

  6. Will S. – Should they suck it up? Yes and no. They should suck it up for the work day and his business trips and so on. But I think when he comes home, he's foolish if he doesn't make the effort to reconnect with her.

    I've had men write me about their "bitchy wife" and it turns out the real turning point was when he skipped out on attending an important funeral to be at the office…

    … there is a point you can push a woman to where even the good girls can turn feral on you.

    Most wives want and love their husbands. But if they can't ever really have their husband to themself, then taking half the stuff starts looking better and better; they won't be able to have their husband anyway, so all that's left that matters is the stuff.

    But yes – We're in agreement that the rules have changed, so beware. Hence this post.

  7. Athol is right on with "All it takes for another man to seduce your under-appreciated wife is the ability to listen, to say thank you and spend some quality time with her. "

    Remember the saying "Idle hands do the Devil's work"?

    If your wife is spending a lot of time at home by herself and not getting attention from you, well, there are plenty of ex-boyfriends, coworkers, etc. who would be happy to give some to her. And this is 2011, they are all just one text message, email or Facebook message away. And a few months of flirty emails or texts leads to 'meeting up for drinks' and you can guess where the story goes from there.

  8. Novaseeker says:

    I'm more familiar with couples where both husband and wife have "alpha" jobs. The problems are a bit different, because both of them are super-engaged in their jobs.

    So what tends to happen is that one spouse has morning duty and the other has evening duty (that is, one leaves early for work while the other prepares the kids for school, while later the one who left early picks up the kids from aftercare while the other one comes home later). Mostly these families don't have dinner together because of the shift schedule. Once the kids are done and in bed, the laptops come out and people work for 30-60 minutes or more before collapsing into bed before doing it all again.

    Interestingly, many of these couples work quite well (in terms of sticking together and not getting divorced … they have the lowest divorce rate of any demographic), although I am sure most of them don't have sex very often.

  9. I agree and lived this post. I want to add that it doesn't have to be 'upper level' business either. I know lots of self-employed tradespeople (plumbers, electricians, carpenters, etc) and entrepreneurs that work long hours and have fallen into the same trap, myself included. In my case I combined that business with a SAHM with low self-esteem and low impulse control where I had to be the one setting limits on spending etc. She wasn't happy because her Disney expectations of marriage weren't being met. Sorry but I can't just make more money AND spend more time with you simultaneously, unless you are paying me more than my customers…

    Looking back I should have insisted that she got at least a minimum wage job even though there would have been a net cost in terms of dollars to the family. At least there would might still have been a family unit….since there would have been 8 hours a day less that she would have been missing me and resenting that she had to look after the kids on her own.

    I almost turned it around by increasing the alpha and applying some PUA game. Everything was great for a couple of months and she was saying how she had never been so in love and committed to me, but I miscalibrated and failed to bring the beta back in time. She got scared that she would never be enough for me and that we would have 'bad times' again.

    This blog would have been my marriage saver if it had been started a year earlier. Damn you Athol!! :) I do promote it to ALL my male friends that are already married. The unmarried ones get the "Don't get married' speech and then get sent here to help manage their relationships.

  10. At Anon 10:08 AM

    Agree – BTDT. Now ex-wifey gets the bad times of being single, over 35 and poor. Me, I have reigned it in to make less money, but it leaves more time for new dames and other interests, like raising the kids. Ex-Wifey should have stuck around. But hey, I su*cked then. Only game I had then was making dough because I thought it was my #1 mission to support the family. It was a slow slide into that. I thought I was the champ every time I got promoted and we could get that new car or bigger house. Was really setting myself up for FAIL. Yes, I know I screwed that up. Now I'm more balanced in life areas and feel more like "me" again instead of Mr. Make The Bacon.

  11. I'm a wife that has lived this through Stage 1 –I'm the single parent/professional and his decades of workaholism left him irrelevant to our children and my life. I could go along like this for 5, 10, then 15 years without him, until I realized how irrelevant he was to us. I tried to explain to him that whenever he said YES to patients, he was saying NO to us. I'm a doc too, so understood that he was failing to say NO to others, including his partners who treated him like the group lacky safety net.

    Eventually, he segue to Stage 11. After decades living in the bowels of the hospital, he no longer fit into the outside world. He was socially awkward, fat, old, and I was ashamed of him. Ashamed to be with him socially.

    We are still together, but I openly contemptuous of his faults. I tell him straight up that he is fat, he has poor social skills, and rage at him when he uses the same lexicon with me that he uses routinely at work. This strategy works.

  12. Anon 7:15AM: "I was having a hard time learning the ropes and I was at the beck and call of many women. My wife's respect for me sunk to the depths"

    It seems pretty uncommon for a wife to remain emotionally loyal to a man going through a career crisis or difficult transition. Even if she doesn't leave him or have an affair, she'll often treat him disrespectfully and angrily.

    Some especially astute women will be very supportive of their husbands for a while during this situation, out of kindness or because they think it will pay off in the long term, or both, but even they will lose patience after awhile.

    I'm curious as to whether anyone here has seen or been in a situation where a man suffered a permanant diminishment in income/status and his wife remained truly loyal and loving. I would very much like be believe the answer is yet.

  13. theprivateman says:

    Chasing and catching the alpha man is not without drawbacks.

    Shouldn't young women be told these things by wise mothers and fathers?

    Oh, nevermind.

  14. @Anon 12:17 PM

    Seriously? So how are you when you are not raging and shaming your husband? Perfect huh? So he is irrelevant to you expect for his half of the household income that supports the kids, pays for cars, vacations, houses, college educations, 401K. Maybe 15 years ago you should have cut him loose and given the guy a chance at a life with someone who appreciated his hard work rather than keep him chained to a loveless and sexless marriage with you. Maybe you would have been happier to and not have to go through life raging and ashamed.

  15. aonymous at 4:42 Great comments. I'll respond back later tonight.

  16. I was a naïve 20 year old virgin when I entered what I thought was going to be a storybook marriage to my alpha-male trial-lawyer super-athlete husband, the husband who had more notches in his belt than anyone could count. Also, this husband was 10+ years older than me.

    The first few years of marriage were Hell. Aside from devoting a lot of hours to work, he played sports 5, yeah count ‘em FIVE nights a week. No amount of begging on my part could dissuade him from doing this. The worst part about my marriage was that Hubby decided it would be wrong of him to break off his friendships with his ex-girlfriends, including the one that had appeared in Playboy. Heaven forbid he might offend them by saying “hey, I’m married now,” so he kept those friendships going. The many screaming tearful fights I would have with him about this resulted in the same two responses over and over again: “I have to maintain my relationships for business purposes,” and “you’re so insecure.”

    The funny thing is, he is not your classic alpha male asshole to anyone else. This man had and still has a solid reputation for being the kindest, most considerate man his friends, clients and acquaintances have ever known. He will go out on a limb to do anything for anyone. When our boys were born, he was unanimously declared “father of the year” by friends and family for being so perfect. For so many years I felt so jealous that others felt this way about him, yet I, his wife, could not feel this way about him.

    I have always been madly in love with my husband, and have always respected him (even if I did resent him at times) but 15 years into this gig my attitude finally changed. I decided I no longer cared who he maintained his friendships with or what he did in his spare time. Along with this attitude change, I felt myself “caring a little less about him,” and this makes me sad.

    We have been married 20 years now. I don’t mean to brag, but it would be leaving out an important detail if I were not to mention that my sex rank FAR outranks his, unless you count his ability to earn a paycheck, which I have to admit, I could never come close to. I am easily an 8 or a 9, don’t look anywhere close to my age. I can tell several of my husband’s friends and acquaintances harbor crushes on me, but due to my ultra-conservative upbringing I could never have an affair on my husband. In fact, I don’t even have male friends. I feel that getting close to a friend of the opposite sex would betray my husband’s trust in me. I wish my husband could have also felt this way from the beginning.

    Of course with time and age he has settled down quite a bit, and in the last few years, he has even come to depend on me emotionally. I know that’s an odd thing to say. Aren’t most husbands supposed to depend emotionally on their wives? Not mine; not until recently. But like I said, things are different now. Maybe the balance of power has shifted somewhat.

    So that's my story. It feels good to be able to share, even if it is with anonymous strangers.

  17. ugh i'm never getting married

    i'm finally starting to understand why all my buddies advise me not to

    a little sad, i always wanted to be the father of a family like my own dad has been

    but now i see my mom was a VERY special and unique woman

    the deck's stacked against my generation

  18. "but due to my ultra-conservative upbringing I could never have an affair on my husband"

    Hang on, so you say you are "deeply in love" with your husband, but it's not love that keeps you from cheating on him?

    "he has even come to depend on me emotionally. I know that’s an odd thing to say. Aren’t most husbands supposed to depend emotionally on their wives?"

    What? Since when are married people supposed to be "dependent" on the other person?

    Your comment has multiple facepalm moments…if I may be exceedingly blunt you both sound like extremely poor decision makers.

  19. @Anon 12:08

    It sounds like your husband ran a pretty good alpha game on you for the last 20 years which kept you "hooked".

    Was his beta game really so bad? (It's a question not an accusation.) Others thought him a good father. Was it a public facade?

    Last, did you go to the sports events with him? I know that a big bonding in my marriage is our shared sporting interests.

  20. Badger – what I meant by the "emotionally dependent" comment was that whereas most husbands (I think) confide in their wives about their outlook or feelings on any given matter, my husband, until recently, has not. Even deaths of friends/relatives seemed to have little to no affect on him. He carries on as if nothing has happened. He is a very guarded human being. Even if I were to lose a relative, the most I would receive is "I'm sorry your fill-in-the-blank has passed away. He/she was a good person." He says it the way you would say it to someone at the water cooler. And yes, I do love him, and feel a strong sense of loyalty for all that he's done for our family, but it has been difficult living with someone who is so emotionally aloof.

    Anon @ 7:57 – His beta side with the kids is pretty strong. He loves and adores them, and spends a lot of time with them. Yes, I have attended many sporting events with him, though I have to admit, I don't find them very interesting.

    Perhaps my husband's attitude toward marriage has to do with his upbringing – but since he doesn't confide much, it's hard to tell what his childhood was like. And with his parents deceased, it's difficult to tell what their family dynamic was. But as I said, there has been some change in him these last few years. I guess 'better late than never' applies here.

  21. And if your spoiled wife gets knocked up by one of your dickhead neighbors, you may end up with 18 years supporting a kid who isn't yours.

    In many states, THAT'S THE LAW.

    Doesn't the woman in all of this ever have to take responsibility for her actions?

    If you're male, still single and over 45, don't get married.

  22. Anon 10:10,

    I share with my wife and because U have shared with her she now views me as weak andor insecure. Which I am not really, yet she now regularly brings it up. I wish I never would have shared with her. I would rather be viewed an ahole then weak.

  23. Anon 2:06pm

    I am a wife who has remained loyal and loving to a husband who has gone through 2 unsuccessful career changes before making a third which has been a financial burden we have yet to come through. I have worked nights, while raising our children for our entire marriage to support him pursuing a career he could be happy in. He is after all spending most of his life doing it. We have children who I raise to respect their father. We value each other. He is my friend and lover first. I did not marry him for his wallet.

  24. @Anon 2/17 11:59 AM.

    You are doing the right thing supporting your man and you sound like a good woman. Here is something that might help. Men have jobs, women have careers. I'm not trying to be crass, but to a guy it's a job. A guy is driven to make the most of it and to be successful because bringing home the bacon to his lady and kids makes a guy feel good, but not happy in the sense of "Man working 60 hours a week really makes me happy." More like he feels good in that he's doing what he is "supposed to" be doing, just like caveman Ogg coming home with the deer meat. He's not doing it to make himself happy like a woman might view it. If a guy wanted to be happy he's be laying in a sun chair all day sipping brews while 19 year old chicks in bikinis flash him. If a guy is changing careers his calculus is more along the lines of "I need to make X to support the family so if I change to job Y or field Y I can do that and be less or least miserable doing it for 30 years." He has no option to just say F it. "I'm going to be a stay at home Dad, honey – go make the money." You wouldn't like him if he did. It's genetic. A good woman can propel her man to success he didn't think himself capable of or a bad woman can grind him down to a defeated and lifeless husk. You know the saying "Behind every great man is a great woman."

  25. I commented at 12:17 and will respond to queries from 4:42.

    –It took 20 years of workaholism for him to spiral down to a state of irrelevance and embarrassment to me. I stayed for the kids. I did not leave because I could never have done that to our children.
    –Things are much better when I can be blunt and sometimes harsh with him.

  26. Thank you for telling your stories here, I do appreciate it.

  27. Anon 12:31,

    "Men have jobs, women have careers. I'm not trying to be crass, but to a guy it's a job. A guy is driven to make the most of it and to be successful because bringing home the bacon to his lady and kids makes a guy feel good…He's not doing it to make himself happy like a woman might view it. If a guy wanted to be happy he's be laying in a sun chair all day sipping brews while 19 year old chicks in bikinis flash him."

    I certainly don't see how communicating this to the wife of a struggling breadwinner is going to help the situation.

    In any case I think you should speak for yourself because I completely disagree. Myself and most of the guys I went to school with absolutely get a fundamental enjoyment and fulfillment out of our work, and our quality of life declines sharply when we get backed into a "just a job" scenario.

    That's not to say family's not important by any means, but we have an intrinsic drive to be part of something big, and family can only satisfy part of that drive. (In fairness I do move in fairly type-A circles.) Sure there are men who punch the clock and would rather be at home drinking lite beer and jerking off, but I can't take more than one week of vacation before I get ridiculously bored.

    Guys I know who have pulled career changes have usually done it to get into the job they really WANTED to do when they got on the boring but better-paying career track. And wouldn't you know it, even with less money their quality of life usually goes up. And when you feel you are doing your life's work during the day, it becomes a lot easier to be the content, bemused pack leader that turns your wife on.

    Quite frankly, I think if guys re-framed and did more things to "make themselves happy" a lot of this marital strife would go away.

  28. Mr Big Sacrifice says:

    Don't forget that some of these men are actually being totally selfish. If the husband did something for his wife or his kids, then he would be doing something for his wife and kids.

    Maybe he doesn't want to do that. But he still wants them to owe him big. At least in his mind. Well the solution is obvious!

    Whenever he does exactly what he wants to do, he did it for them!

    It's far easier for him to do what he wants, like being tech-manager for a world-touring rock band like the guy above, and give himself "good father" points for that, than to actually be a good father.

    The absolute defiance of reality displayed by the people fully in this mode is quite impressive to see. My father told me "he didn't take vacations for me". The problem was, I was an adult at the time and could talk back.

    "Did I ask you to not take vacations?"
    (Wise silence)
    "I didn't want you to not take vacations."
    (More wise silence)
    "Given that you put almost all the money you made in a big pile and never spent any of it on anyone, ESPECIALLY US, how exactly did I benefit from you not taking vacations?"
    (More wise silence)
    "You could have made HALF the money you did annually and it wouldn't have effected my life one bit."
    "I did it all for you"-he says
    "Again, how did I benefit from your behavior?"-I say
    (Wise silence, cause he knows how I benefited. Oh yes he does)

    I've pretty much totally stopped talking to him. I'm doing it for him. It may seem as if I'm acting exactly as I want to act with complete disregard for his wants, but if you think about it, you'll realize I'm doing it for him. Just not in any way a sane person would agree with.

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