In Love Feelings, Pair Bonded Love… And Me So Horny

Hey athol things are getting back on track now , Thanks for the help man!
There is just one more thing im still confused about, This whole “I love you” “Not in love with you” thing. I still dont have a fkin clue what that actually means. Ive heard so many different answers that meant different things.
From what ive seen and experienced people think the excitement when you first meet someone is love and after 3-4 years when that starts fading they think the love is gone. They give that speech , find someone else and get that excitement back , think there in love again and then another 3-4 years it starts fading and they move on again. In some cases a person will leave get that excitement again but realise that’s not what was missing , realise they did actually love there ex and get back with them.
Is that accurate or am i completely off the mark? If so whats the difference between the two and what causes the change from “In love” to just “love”?
This is a simple question, but the answer is complex. There are three separate hormonal systems; the dopamine “in love” system, the oxytocin(women) / vasopressin(men) “pair bonding love” system, and the testosterone “lust” system. All three systems can work together or separately.
Generally there is a big dopamine response to new relationships, and yes that lasts about 12-24 months for most people and hopefully during that time the oxytocin/vaspressin system gears up and also takes effect. But it’s not one system starts and one stops. Generally most stable couples finds that the dopamine in love feelings come and go over the years, but the oxytocin/vasopressin system stays fairly stable as a positive “love” feeling of attachment.
Some people do indeed jump ship as soon as the in love dopamine wears off, it’s addictive as dopamine is the same hormone that something like cocaine stimulates. But you are correct that the feeling can simply wear off again with a new person. People can return to their partners because the attachment of the pair bond is also a real effect.
This is incidentally why it’s so important to not neglect the Alpha traits that are highly stimulating to women… they can cause a dopamine reaction in her. Generally anything that is exciting or stimulating to the woman = dopamine = in love feelings. The Beta male stuff tends to be a oxytocin reaction in her. So do understand that these are two completely separate hormonal systems at work, it’s not a one to the other exchange.
To be honest I’m not in love with Jennifer as much as I was when we first met, and that’s actually a good thing because I engaged in enormously risky behavior to get to her. It’s not sustainable as a lifestyle, nor would Jennifer want me to act towards her with the same blind devotion; it was very sweet at the time, but she does also need a functional husband as well.
For myself I tend to cycle between having a usually minor crush on someone else and back to a minor crush on Jennifer. But the love feelings just slowly grow and grow in terms of her being part of me and my life. I find the crushes on someone else actually annoying at times because I don’t like feeling split in affection like that. Sometimes the crushes are just bizarre in that I know I would hate dating this person let alone having a relationship with them. Sometimes I have minimal sexual interest in them too. I just try and ignore crushes on other women and enjoy the ride when I crush on Jennifer.
Testosterone is just basic horniness and desire to have sex. I happen to be quite physically interested in Jennifer and we have a lot of sex. So sometimes it is a case of pair bond + good sex being 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. The in love feelings can be extremely elusive though and they usually stem from your Body Agenda wanting you to take a big risk as part it’s reproductive goals. So it’s occasionally like your own body turns into a crack dealer to try get you to do stupid things.

Comments

  1. Her highness, Samantha VĂ©rant says:

    I think Howard Jones said it best: what is love anyway? Hey, as my site gets rocking (I just launched it) I'd love to have you on as a guest blogger–getting a guy's perspective on a TBD subject…

    Some Guys Are Toads

    Dare to Follow Your Heart

  2. Anonymous says:

    This puts into plain words something I've struggled with for years. I'm addicted to dopamine. It's made me feel like such a shmuck. It's why I hopped from one guy to another my whole teenage life and thought for sure I'd never be able to settle done.
    So are you saying that more Alpha from dh will help matters? Will it help me through withdrawal?

  3. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 2:20 – if your husband adds Alpha it will help matters.

    You can also do other exciting/stimulating things that will boost dopamine as well.

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