Just Broke Up. Should I Stay Her Friend?

Hey Athol got an update for you. We have now broke up which sucks. My girl said she just wants to remain friends and says she’ll miss me if we dont.

Part of me wants to remain friends and try win her back but i dont want to keep her company while she finds/looks for someone else, I told her i cant be her friend and ive cut all contact with her. Is that going to kill my chances of getting her back? she’s pretty angry about it but fuck it im pissed off.

Any advice?
The general rule is that there is no halfway with women on break ups. Either they are with you fully, or it’s over. By asking you to be her friend, she’s actually asking you to be her Beta / Orbiter / Chump / Backup Plan / Shoulder to Cry On. It’s a huge Fitness Test. All that does is tie you up emotionally and you can’t get to move on and find someone new. It’s quite cruel really. I’d just stick with the plan of no contact for a few weeks at least.
If she’s got a bunch of crap at your house, just box it up and tell her to come get it on the weekend, or she can bid on it on eBay the week after that.
There is a reasonable chance that she may miss you enough and be impressed with such a strong display to want to come back to you. There’s no guarantee to that at all, just a chance. Otherwise your plan is just to move on without her. Get fit and be happy as best you can. Start dating again. Date her friends ideally. Fill up your Facebook with pictures of you with women. Ideally half-naked types draped on you.
But if you Friendzone yourself with her, that’s all you can ever hope for from her.

Comments

  1. By The Sword says:

    Stay away from her. Stay off of facebook. Go on vacation if you can. Spend some time alone and not in a relationship and do things you like to do.

  2. If you let her friendzone you, as the Onion wisely points out here, she may cock-block you from getting other chicks – just so she can have you all to herself.

    Do you want to be that guy?

    No, of course not!

    It's over; she's history. Move on, and drop her like a hot potato! No friendship; nothing. Period.

  3. Florian Haseloff says:

    And dont start to misinterpret her body language or anything she tells you for signs of her being not sure about her decision. dont even think about and definately dont act on it!

    Keep up the good work Athol!

  4. Jack Amok says:

    Athol has good advice. You indicated you would like to get back together with her. Your best chance is to walk away and don't make any effort to stay in contact. She knows how to get in touch with you if she changes her mind.

    She won't change her mind if you're friends in constant contact. The only way she'll change her mind is if she suddenly takes a new look at you and sees a, well, a more alpha you. A you in awesome shape, with lots of confidence, and preferably lots of women ready to go out with you. She'll need to be away from you for a while in order to take that new look. Otherwise she's just going to see the same old you she walked away from.

    So the best chance you have of getting her back is to assume you've lost her forever and get on with finding someone else. Conveniently, that's also your best plan for getting on with life if you never get her back.

    If she gets ahold of you and asks to see you, ask her "is this a date, or would we still just be friends?" If she says "just friends", tell her (politely, in a friendly manner) "sorry, Jane, I told you I'm not interesting in just being friends."

    If she says "date", lay down the law. Tell her you're willing to start dating again, but no more walking away. If she calls it off a second time, you're through for good.

  5. Maybe once you're completely over her and have zero desire to be with her, then it's safe to be friends.

  6. Don't date her friends. As much as you're tempted to hope for a reconciliation, you can't be doing anything purely to impress her, or make her jealous, or make her angry – that just means you're still defining your own success in relation to how she feels about you. Plus, dating her friends is just sort of needless drama-mongering.

  7. Word!
    Major fitness test.
    Don't be a beta chump, move on, date other woman, if you mean something to her she will try and crawl back, I know it sounds like the total opposite of what you should do if you want her back but it really does work like that.

    If you still find it hard letting her go are you still have some contact with her eg still on her facebook page. then it might be worth going cold turkey. Don't call her don't tx her, don't read her facebook no contact at all.

    However you may find once your into another chick that she was nothing special.

    FL

  8. Anonymous says:

    Having been the female that broke things off a few times I would say it might be wise to look at why she wanted to end it and if she had a valid point (or two) to work on that for your own good and your next relationship. If your only goal is to get her back draping yourself with half naked women and dating her friends is not Alpha it just means you still don't get what attracts a woman or this particular woman. Developing jealousy might be one way to show your value to a woman but how many times can you pull that routine? Now if it would make you feel better to date a lot of women and her friends…Just saying getting fit,staying clear and firm with her,dropping any drama, and moving on to having dates with other women works to show her your direction without lasting damage and will help you if there is no chance of reconciliation.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Athol,
    Could you address what the attraction factor is in making a girl laugh? I become totally turned on by a man who makes me laugh and who laughs at what I say,too. Is this an Alpha trait? He is able to control and push my buttons in making me laugh? All of a sudden the guy actually looks more attractive to me physically! And when he goes from funny to seriously sexy with me I am a goner. Even watching the two recent videos (I Had Sex and It's Business Time) I felt turned on while laughing!By the way,I noticed that many famous comedians have happy and long lasting marriages (Bob Hope,Jerry Seinfeld,Brian Regan,Don Rickles,etc.)

  10. Unreal. LJBFing as a rejection of a man's advances is at least vaguely honest. LJBFing as a breakup move is deeply insulting and disrespectful to your needs and feelings. She's saying her desire for beta comforts requires you to suppress your desires. She'll miss you? Maybe she should have thought of that before breaking up with you.

    Cold Turkey withdrawal is the only possible tactic to get her back, but why would you want to go back to someone who has already displayed that much disrespect of you? I almost guarantee that once you date somebody else you will see this for what it was.

    Quite frankly, I hear divorced men talk about how they are friendly with their exes who dropped them and I don't know how they do it.

  11. Ian Ironwood says:

    Dude. Tell her firmly that you need six months without her around before you can even attempt that. Give her her stuff back. Screen your calls. Let her miss you.

    Then aggressively go after one of the girls in her circle. I mean, it's not like your ex is going to cut you off, right? And more than likely she's got a girlfriend or two who would do it just to piss her off. Girls can be like that. Totally take her out on an incredible date that she won't be able to stop talking about.

    After that, watch your ex spaz out, enjoy, and see if she calls in six months. But don't let it bother you. If she was that good of a friend, she wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

  12. The Outsider says:

    Ian, you're wrong. No offense. The six-month timeline smells of weakness – which we all hate instinctively.

    When you get dumped by a girlfriend you have exactly one chance to get her back. It's not a good chance, but it's all you've got. You have to act like you don't care.

    Don't. Be. Weak.

  13. Personally I'd not give her a timeline to come back to me. It's just "while the position is still open".

    A random time limit has more pull. Six months just means she can ride the cock carousel for five months and then think about you for a month.

    I've talked to this reader a little more. The girlfriend sounds like a lite version of Forrest Gump's "Jenny".

    Sometimes them leaving is a gift.

  14. By The Sword says:

    Anonymous said…
    "Having been the female that broke things off a few times I would say it might be wise to look at why she wanted to end it and if she had a valid point (or two) to work on that for your own good and…"

    Whatever you do, DO NOT take relationship advice from women.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Want to say that I think it is foolish to think men and women can just be friends anyway let alone after breaking things off. If you really mean it let the person go and give them a chance to move on. The other advice about dating the girls friends just seems like revenge motive (if that is what you are looking for) and why contribute to one of the worst traits of anyone by facilitating traitorous behavior of one friend to another? Of course, if you are really interested in one of the girls friends you have as much right to date them as anyone and she,you.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Men, or Athol I don't get why being seen with lots of other women or some of her friends or revealing pictures on Facebook would bring back a girls interest in you? I'd just figure he really had decided to date or whatever and had clearly gotten over me. A guy who suddenly becomes a player type only appeals to a low self esteem woman and might make ya wonder if he hooked up with so many ladies he would bring you a gift of an STD if you ever got back with him. Sometimes women are just stupid about the friend thing or treating a guy,unfairly,like her old reliable teddy bear. In that case run to the nearest exit and don't look back!

  17. "Men, or Athol I don't get why being seen with lots of other women or some of her friends or revealing pictures on Facebook would bring back a girls interest in you? I'd just figure he really had decided to date or whatever and had clearly gotten over me."

    The key word here is preselection, (the preference for men whom other women find attractive) and there's an additional factor of women tending to be attracted to men who will walk away, men who "don't need them."

    Mileage will obviously vary with the woman in question, but generally speaking these are two big attraction switches for the female of the species.

    I've known several women who get VERY upset when they find out the man they dumped is dating a good woman.

    "A guy who suddenly becomes a player type only appeals to a low self esteem woman."

    I agree and I don't. It's a typical erroneous response to game to say "well it only works on low-self esteem women." However, there's a kernel of truth that a guy who looks like he's TRYING to get back at a woman by going on a dating spree with her friends just looks try-hard (a DLV). I see women do this too, they go on a slut spree thinking it's somehow going to hurt him (sometimes with his friends, who are only too happy to pump and dump the girl who dumped their bro).

    "Sometimes women are just stupid about the friend thing or treating a guy,unfairly,like her old reliable teddy bear. In that case run to the nearest exit and don't look back!"

    I agree 100% here. Sometimes somebody is just in the wrong and you should go away.

  18. Athol Kay says:

    Agree with Badger. It's essentially a preselection thing. A dumped guy takes a huge hit on that front. Best to reverse that impression fairly quickly.

  19. "A dumped guy takes a huge hit on that front."

    The "corner case" of preselection is the following: imagine how a woman would feel if she knew in her heart "if I wasn't with this guy, he'd be alone." Probably the worst feeling possible for a woman's libido is riding a horse no one else wants (figuratively speaking, since she's probably not riding him at all in that case.)

  20. THIS "Whatever you do, DO NOT take relationship advice from women."

    In the same way you don't go to a prozac salesman for advice when your depressed.

    FL

  21. Anonymous says:

    "Quite frankly, I hear divorced men talk about how they are friendly with their exes who dropped them and I don't know how they do it. "

    If you have kids it's best to keep it as friendly as possible. It just is, even if she is a raging bitch, better to take the high ground.

    Even if you don't have kids it's better from a man's perspective. Just because you have a divorce settlement doesn't mean she can't get pissed at you and take you back to court. She might not win, but she's still going to eat up time and money. Zombies. Yeah…

    Approach ex-spouse like talking to the Soviets at a "peace treaty" negotiation. Smile, be cordial and be agreeable but have a firm line in the sand on the important issues. Don't get into stupid fights over the small ones.

  22. One of Roissy's earlier posts, talks about the 3-week optimal (one-time) shot:

    http://roissy.wordpress.com/2007/04/10/how-to-win-back-an-ex-girlfriend/

  23. Lamont Cranston says:

    Oh, God, no. Zero contact for at least 3 months. After that, if you want to stick a metaphorical knife in, start dating her friends if they’re hot/interesting.

    But a woman who wants a male friend just wants her bathroom regrouted.

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