I was a naïve 20 year old virgin when I entered what I thought was going to be a storybook marriage to my alpha-male trial-lawyer super-athlete husband, the husband who had more notches in his belt than anyone could count. Also, this husband was 10+ years older than me.
The first few years of marriage were Hell. Aside from devoting a lot of hours to work, he played sports 5, yeah count ‘em FIVE nights a week. No amount of begging on my part could dissuade him from doing this. The worst part about my marriage was that Hubby decided it would be wrong of him to break off his friendships with his ex-girlfriends, including the one that had appeared in Playboy. Heaven forbid he might offend them by saying “hey, I’m married now,” so he kept those friendships going. The many screaming tearful fights I would have with him about this resulted in the same two responses over and over again: “I have to maintain my relationships for business purposes,” and “you’re so insecure.”
The funny thing is, he is not your classic alpha male asshole to anyone else. This man had and still has a solid reputation for being the kindest, most considerate man his friends, clients and acquaintances have ever known. He will go out on a limb to do anything for anyone. When our boys were born, he was unanimously declared “father of the year” by friends and family for being so perfect. For so many years I felt so jealous that others felt this way about him, yet I, his wife, could not feel this way about him.
I have always been madly in love with my husband, and have always respected him (even if I did resent him at times) but 15 years into this gig my attitude finally changed. I decided I no longer cared who he maintained his friendships with or what he did in his spare time. Along with this attitude change, I felt myself “caring a little less about him,” and this makes me sad. (Note the breaking point and emotional cashing out – Athol)
We have been married 20 years now. I don’t mean to brag, but it would be leaving out an important detail if I were not to mention that my sex rank FAR outranks his, unless you count his ability to earn a paycheck, which I have to admit, I could never come close to. (We do count that, but half of it belongs to you anyway because you are married to him.) I am easily an 8 or a 9, don’t look anywhere close to my age. I can tell several of my husband’s friends and acquaintances harbor crushes on me, but due to my ultra-conservative upbringing I could never have an affair on my husband. In fact, I don’t even have male friends. I feel that getting close to a friend of the opposite sex would betray my husband’s trust in me. I wish my husband could have also felt this way from the beginning.
Of course with time and age he has settled down quite a bit, and in the last few years, he has even come to depend on me emotionally. I know that’s an odd thing to say. Aren’t most husbands supposed to depend emotionally on their wives? Not mine; not until recently. But like I said, things are different now. Maybe the balance of power has shifted somewhat. (It has, it sounds like you have a higher Sex Rank than him now and you love him less than he loves you. So you’re in charge of the relationship now.)
So that’s my story. It feels good to be able to share, even if it is with anonymous strangers.
I do have a question for you though, why are you here at this blog?
I believe that in many marriages where the husband has been caught up in work at the expense of family, many wives struggle with holding the marriage together for years, or even decades, before reaching a breaking point and giving up on him.
The breaking point comes when the wife realizes she can never have him the way she wants. He’s always physically gone, or mentally and emotionally gone even when he’s at home. So all that’s really left that she can have is the house, the kids, the money and the stuff. Ironically, for the men that work so hard building a huge pile of stuff “for their family”, when she gives up on having him, the more stuff he built up, the bigger her incentive to simply walk away and cash out.
She may or may not cash out of the relationship with a divorce, but she will cash out of the relationship emotionally. That breaking point can happen several years before the divorce or affairs might hit the fan, but the relationship is effectively dead in the water at that point. It’s extremely to game her back to the same level of love that she had because she has hardened herself against him. As William Congreve wrote;
Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.
There is no question in my mind that women exiting a marriage can do the most horrific things to their husbands, and yes the family court system is slanted towards women winning at the expense of men. However sometimes all this happens because karma is a bitch. When a woman turns feral in the final year of marriage, it’s easy to point at that as something that was the cause of the marriage failure; it’s more likely a symptom of the marriage failure.
And yes I get that the husband could have been working all the time for his family and she should have appreciated it. But maybe she did appreciate him for fifteen years and he never appreciated her back for what she did for him. So she snapped and here’s the result.
To be sure there are women that are evil or crazy that ruthlessly exploit men via marriage, but most aren’t like that. Seriously, it’s not even a case of having to argue “Not All Women Are Like That”, most aren’t like that. They may run on their female Body Agenda programming, but that’s neither evil or crazy, just different from the male Body Agenda programming. Sometimes divorce happens just because basically good people make a mess of things over a long time and screw it up. One way of screwing it up as a man is by blindly overworking a job and not paying attention to your wife’s emotional needs over many years.
Women aren’t that complicated – bring home a reasonable paycheck, talk to them, play with them, fuck them and don’t let them walk all over you. If she can’t enjoy that, then another woman will. Don’t settle for anything less.
Marriage 1.0 is over, you can’t just bring home a paycheck and think you’re doing all you need to. Does the money help? Yes of course it does, but that’s not everything. Marriage is a relationship and that takes time, effort and love. If you can’t perform the relationship part of the marriage… Marriage 2.0 might just tear your wallet out through your anus and your heart out through your chest.
Some quotes from the comments section of the prior post.
You described my EX-husband to a T except his particular Alpha job was Tech Manager for one of the biggest touring rock bands in the world. I did the house hunting (along with my full time job, child raising, household management, etc) while he was out gallivanting around the world. He came home signed the papers and flew out again. Next time he came home he actually forgot I’d moved us and he was half way to our old house before he turned around and found the new one. (Note the breaking point here – Athol)
The thing is, men who live like this, will not take your advice. They get off on the work and/or believe their ‘man role’ as the breadwinner somehow requires such sacrifice. They actually want the wife to listen to their tales of woe and sympathize.
Agree – BTDT. Now ex-wifey gets the bad times of being single, over 35 and poor. Me, I have reigned it in to make less money, but it leaves more time for new dames and other interests, like raising the kids. Ex-Wifey should have stuck around. But hey, I su*cked then. Only game I had then was making dough because I thought it was my #1 mission to support the family. It was a slow slide into that. I thought I was the champ every time I got promoted and we could get that new car or bigger house. Was really setting myself up for FAIL. Yes, I know I screwed that up. Now I’m more balanced in life areas and feel more like “me” again instead of Mr. Make The Bacon.
I’m a wife that has lived this through Stage 1 –I’m the single parent/professional and his decades of workaholism left him irrelevant to our children and my life. I could go along like this for 5, 10, then 15 years without him, until I realized how irrelevant he was to us. I tried to explain to him that whenever he said YES to patients, he was saying NO to us. I’m a doc too, so understood that he was failing to say NO to others, including his partners who treated him like the group lacky safety net.
When you run game on a normal woman, she generally responds positively to your efforts. If you’re being Alpha she normally feels more attraction to you, if you do something Beta she normally feels more comfortable with you. You just ping pong her with Alpha and Beta and pretty soon she’s in love and loving you. She doesn’t mind laying down with her legs apart while gazing at you with bedroom eyes because this is normal behavior for a woman that is highly receptive to a particular man.
Which leads to the question, “What happens when you run game on a woman who is batshit crazy?”
Well if you are doing something Alpha, this threatens them, so it triggers an acute episode of being batshit crazy. This will look like a Fitness Test, but it’s not a Fitness Test, it’s just them being batshit crazy. In a Fitness Test there is some sort of subconscious plan being run by her Body Agenda, to test to see if you can respond to her with appropriate dominance. When someone is formally diagnosed as being batshit crazy and is having an acute episode of behavior, they aren’t caring whether or not you pass their test, they are just being batshit crazy.
When you do something Beta for them, they quite enjoy it and lap it up because being batshit crazy actually takes up a great deal of effort. However you get no points for doing anything Beta for them as their relationship comfort with you can’t improve properly. Batshit crazy sufferers are always deeply disturbed and can’t be pleased or comforted, so you typically waste your efforts in doing Beta things for them.
Generally with someone that is batshit crazy, you don’t even really have a chance to run game on them because you are too busy coping with them being in one of the five stages of being batshit crazy, which are;
Phase 3 – Recovering from the effects of being batshit crazy.
Phase 4 – Being really nice to you.
Phase 5 – Suddenly realizing that you are an asshole for not meeting their demands in Phase 1.
This cycle repeats endlessly.
I just don’t think that Ten Second Kisses, sexy text messages, flirting, cooking dinner and playfully fondling her in the shower will work on someone that is like this.
The only really effective way of dealing with someone that is really batshit crazy is some combination of: leaving the relationship, finding an effective medication regime and using emergency services as is appropriate. Should they become violent or engage in property destruction, call 911. Even batshit crazy people understand tazers.
Most men lean too heavily towards doing Beta stuff and don’t spend enough time doing the Alpha things. The result is that they have a wife that is not terribly turned on by them, but is very comfortable in the relationship. So the solution for them is to find ways to develop their Alpha Traits and reengage her attraction and therefore sexual interest in him.
But if the reverse is true – a man doing mostly Alpha things and very few Beta things, she will still have attraction, but will become very uncomfortable in the relationship and feel emotionally neglected. So for those men they need to find ways to add some Beta into their day.
If all you want is a hook up, then all you need is Alpha and you’re good to go; the Alpha Traits are what creates her attraction and turns her ON. But in a marriage that lasts years, lacking Beta Traits will make her uncomfortable and turn that attraction OFF. (Just having Beta and no Alpha doesn’t turn her on though.)
If you have an Alpha profession, such as medicine, law, upper level business, professional sports etc, you are probably already running an “Asshole Game” on your wife by default. Work sucks up a great deal of your time and you can’t always get to the phone to call her back because you are in a meeting / in court / with a patient. Sometimes she cooks dinner and waits for you at home and you just have to cancel on her because something came up. You’re up at 530am to be at work by 645am and come home at 7pm and sometimes work at home later than that. You’re the bigshot, she’s just Mrs. Bigshot.
Plus if you throw in a hobby or serious fitness routine, your day can end at 830-9pm. Which leaves her essentially husbandless and alone all day. At least if you were deployed in Iraq or something, there’s a hope that you’ll actually come back and spend some time with her.
If she’s also playing the support role and keeping up the house, managing the children, doing your laundry and basically being a good wife, she’s not always going to feel like she is getting your positive attention for the good that she is doing. Which means in reality that you’re actually punishing her for being good, so she will eventually decide that enough is enough and start rebelling against the situation.
If your wife is basically disgusted with your lack of attention over many years, she will do things that may appear to be Fitness Tests, but actually aren’t. In a Fitness Test she is trying to spark a dominant reaction or lack thereof to create attraction. The under-appreciated wife already knows that you are dominant and doesn’t question it, she just thinks you’re a total asshole who doesn’t care about her.
All it takes for another man to seduce your under-appreciated wife is the ability to listen, to say thank you and spend some quality time with her.
I got Jennifer a bottle of cheap wine and a handwritten home made folded up piece of paper card-like attempt. I’d say it was a pro Skittling move, but the fact is I can’t be bothered to buy a $4.95 card to go with a $10 1.5 liter bottle of Barefoot. The wine is to get her half drunk and switch her from being “easy” to “like shooting fish in a barrell”. Wine Game is fairly effective if you’ve never tried it.
She’s making turkey BLTs for dinner. This is because bacon pleases me and she’s scampering about in please me mode. More importantly bacon was on sale this week and she had a coupon. I would try thinking about whether or not she is more excited about pleasing me, or pleasing me for $1, but I’m about to eat bacon so I don’t care.
I’ve said a number of times that, “sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, but we win and we lose as a team.”
Jennifer and I are a real couple and our sex life is one of our strongest points. Our other strong point is that we communicate with each other really well, with sort of mental telepathy at times.
Because mental telepathy is probably completely infallible, we assume we never miscommunciate…which means when we do miscommunicate with each other, we can go for months before realizing that a miscommunication has happened.
Start with spooning – and we’ll say you’re both lying on your left side to do this move. Enjoy some cuddly spooning sex together to warm up.
Then he moves his upper body back off her so that his left hand can get a nice handful of her hair. The key here is that the more hair you get, the more the pulling is evenly spread across her head = a firm sensation rather than a painful one.
Then if she puts her right wrist against her tailbone, his right hand can then hold her wrist against her tailbone. Do not pull her arm up or further back from her body as that can risk serious injury. Just press her wrist against her tailbone. You’re not actually twisting her arm up behind her back, she cooperates to get into a position where you are both pretending you are holding her against her will.
If the wrist against her tailbone is too much of a stretch for her comfortably, you can always hold her by her wrist against her hip.
Then get a fair bit more vigorous in the thrusting department. As always, consider “ow!” or “stop” a safeword. Maybe not “no” though… talk about that first though.
Just try it out together. If it works for you, then great. If not, at least you tried something new which is still a good thing.
She lies on her stomach with her legs together. You enter her from behind with legs outside hers, then bring your knees around so that you are basically kneeling over her ass with your cock inside her. Then you massage her back, shoulders, neck, arms and ass.
To make paying attention to the massaging harder, she can playfully wiggle her ass or clench her vagina on you while she giggles. Try and hold out as long as you can without getting into wanting to head towards your orgasm.
When you’re into the hard thrusting part of the game, she probably has her face turned to one side. When you come, be kissing her firmly on her upturned cheek.
My wife runs the kids about regular as a stay at home mum (I work shifts so not always available to do this),one of these is the sons football class,she has made comments about some of the fathers there that are running there kids around,one in particular she says is very funny and is always cracking jokes (a group of parents sit on a viewing area together).But last night she said she sat in the car alone and she emphasised how bored she is sat around waiting for 1 1/2 hours waiting for the class to finish.
Is she testing me here I can’t read into this she says all she ever does is run the kids around.
Lets be honest here… watching football practice is mind numbingly boring to most women. It’s not like she’s a cheerleader watching the alpha high school boys warming up like they are soft core porn. It’s a bunch of kids messing about and she has a couple months of this inane crap to sit through.
Many women just want whatever the game is over. As an example Jennifer used to play in band at high school and the band typically cheered for the clock.
“Go clock! You can do it!”
“Get back up clock! Don’t give up! Go clock go!”
So this other guy at the practices is probably just some guy and very likely absolutely nothing is happening. She’s just bored out of her mind waiting for it to be over and to drive home.
The kids probably don’t even thank her for driving them around either. Maybe a new family rule – the kids need to thank the taxi driver for their efforts or they can sort out their own transportation next time. Yeah they will be mad when they miss practice or whatever, but I don’t see concierge service as being a parental requirement.
Some other suggestions;
Tell her to leave the practice and go do something else for the 90 minutes it takes. Go get a coffee, go to the library, get her nails done or a mammogram or something else to fill in the time with something more enjoyable. By all means watch the games and cheer like a good parent, but practice is practice so you can skip that. The kid probably doesn’t really care all that much that she is there anyway. Sometimes mom’s just lock themselves into this helicopter mode where they think they have to hover over the kid constantly. Then they are mad because no one cares about their helicopter hover love that wears them out so much.
If you can, she’s absolutely ripe to start running some text game and flirt with her. She’ll lap it up simply because she’s dying for stimulation that’s fun to her. You can probably get pretty dirty if she’s in the car alone.
Buy her a trashy slutty romance novel. Gift wrap it and put it under the seat of her car. Text her when she gets to practice next time to look under her seat. If she’s really that bored she’ll read it. Apparently women that read romance novels have 30% more sex than women that don’t. So you do the math on that one…