Thank you all for commenting with title ideas on the last post, much appreciated. I’m still thinking about it, but there is general agreement that “Married Man Sex Life: and something here” is a good idea. Something will come to me.
What I need now is a whole mess of one or two line testimonials saying that what I’ve been saying has worked for you guys. So something like;
“This stuff is amazing, four months ago my wife threatened divorce, now we’re like newlyweds.”
“We went from once a month sex to twice a week sex.”
“Athol we can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for us.”
If you could have a little personal information as well, rather than “anon” that would be great as well. “AK from Connecticut” would work, but married couples as “Bob and Cheryl, California” would be most excellent.
The idea being that I stack the opening page or two with all these little one or two liners as a reader draw. Just stack them in the comments.
I’m getting closer to finishing the book, but I’m struggling with coming up with a title. Here’s the crap that I’m not liking totally so far.
Seducing the Woman of Your Means
Married Man Sex Life: (and some sort of subtitle… “knowing what women really want”)
An Applied Evolutionary Psychology Approach for Male Preferred Mating Frequency in Modern Dyad’s
How To Tame Your Shrew
Making the Best of The Worst Mistake of Your Regrettable Life
Harry Potter and the Submissive Wife (everything Harry Potter related sells and I’m ok with selling out)
So anyway, I’m tired after writing all weekend. Someone throw me something….
This is JANE… this is also Jane.
Fifty pounds lighter, more skin showing, trimmed hair, a slight heel, a splash of fire engine red and most importantly a dress.
Female Sex Rank is fluid and can swing wildly as they balloon up or slim down, dress up or sweatpants it down, do it like rabbits or do it like something that doesn’t do it very much at all.
Maintaining a high Sex Rank takes effort for a woman. It might take 2-3 hours of daily effort (working out can suck up over an hour a day) for her to look like a 9, but 10 minutes of effort to look like a 6. So rather than waste effort and over do it, many wives simply calibrate their Sex Rank to whatever their husbands Sex Rank is.
Half the reason I advocate increasing your own Sex Rank is simply to give your wife a higher Sex Rank to calibrate to. There’s nothing you can say to your wife that can ever convince her to “this time… really try and lose the weight and look sexier.” But if you start looking better and fitter yourself and she “just decides” to start working out and getting her nails done, then shes calibrating herself to you.
Once she starts looking sexier, dressing sexier and feeling sexier… she’ll probably just want to be sexier as well. That’s where your penis comes in.
Could you address what the attraction factor is in making a girl laugh? I become totally turned on by a man who makes me laugh and who laughs at what I say,too. Is this an Alpha trait? He is able to control and push my buttons in making me laugh? All of a sudden the guy actually looks more attractive to me physically! And when he goes from funny to seriously sexy with me I am a goner. Even watching the two recent videos (I Had Sex and It’s Business Time) I felt turned on while laughing!By the way,I noticed that many famous comedians have happy and long lasting marriages (Bob Hope,Jerry Seinfeld,Brian Regan,Don Rickles,etc.)
Humor is a very positive trait in that it demonstrates a high intelligence in the man. Almost everyone can get a joke when told to them, but the really funny guys are usually very bright. I forget where I read it but the average IQ of a successful stand up comedian is supposedly around the 140 mark. Also this explains why there are so many more male comedians than female ones as the IQ distribution for men is far wider than for women. There are more male geniuses, but also more male idiots, while female IQ tends to clump around the median more heavily.
High intelligence is also linked to high sperm counts and sperm motility which is of course a very positive thing from a Body Agenda perspective for a woman. It also demonstrates a lifetime of good nutrition and basic health as poor nutrition and health can eat away at the potential intelligence a man could have reached. So on a very basic level, a guy showing a superior sense of humor is advertising he probably has excellent sperm and semen and that sparks female interest.
Of course humor is just one facet of what makes up a man’s Sex Rank. I do remember in High School being fairly funny, but girls wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole due to my being painfully thin and without a car.
And in terms of comedians there are many that have happy and long lasting marriages. But there are also a very large number of comedians that developed their humor as a defense mechanism for harsh childhoods. Many die young and by their own hand.
But overall humor is an extremely positive trait. It seems to bridge both Alpha and Beta in that it’s comfort bulding in that most men that are making women laugh are relaxing them at the same time as they display their good mating potential.
So anyway Anon lady that gets all wet watching my video selections of sexy humor…. watch this and I’ll be right with you in a minute or two.
Hey Athol got an update for you. We have now broke up which sucks. My girl said she just wants to remain friends and says she’ll miss me if we dont.
Part of me wants to remain friends and try win her back but i dont want to keep her company while she finds/looks for someone else, I told her i cant be her friend and ive cut all contact with her. Is that going to kill my chances of getting her back? she’s pretty angry about it but fuck it im pissed off.
The general rule is that there is no halfway with women on break ups. Either they are with you fully, or it’s over. By asking you to be her friend, she’s actually asking you to be her Beta / Orbiter / Chump / Backup Plan / Shoulder to Cry On. It’s a huge Fitness Test. All that does is tie you up emotionally and you can’t get to move on and find someone new. It’s quite cruel really. I’d just stick with the plan of no contact for a few weeks at least.
If she’s got a bunch of crap at your house, just box it up and tell her to come get it on the weekend, or she can bid on it on eBay the week after that.
There is a reasonable chance that she may miss you enough and be impressed with such a strong display to want to come back to you. There’s no guarantee to that at all, just a chance. Otherwise your plan is just to move on without her. Get fit and be happy as best you can. Start dating again. Date her friends ideally. Fill up your Facebook with pictures of you with women. Ideally half-naked types draped on you.
But if you Friendzone yourself with her, that’s all you can ever hope for from her.
I had near identical contact over the last couple days from two different guys who have gone from “holy crap she’s going to leave me” a while back, to “she just broke down sobbing because she’s finally understood that I’m either getting what I want from this marriage, or I’m finding someone else that will.”
The question is… now what?
Well that’s up to her. As long as she is making progress in the direction that you want, and actually making some positive changes, it’s okay to soften your approach somewhat. You’re getting what you want from her, so you do have to reward that behavior from her. It’s just usually frustratingly slow going.
The switch now is into more of a coaching approach of;
Alpha = I’m not letting you off the hook for getting yourself together. Aka “Stick.”
Beta = I’m going to support you in doing that. Aka “Carrot.”
If you are currently having sex once every two weeks and want sex twice a week, getting to sex once a week is an improvement. You have to acknowledge that as such rather than be mad that it still isn’t twice a week. You’re looking for consistent small gains.
Obviously if you walk into a gym for the first time, no one is going to expect you to push 400lbs on the bench press. If you were yelled at for failing to press 400lbs, you’d probably just give up and never come back to the gym. If you press 100lbs on the first week and then 120lbs on the next week and got a “good job”, then you’d be more interested. Maybe you hit 130 the next week, then 140 the one after that. Maybe two years later you hit the 400lb mark.
Change is a process. As long as you are seeing positive progress in the direction you want, you shouldn’t give up on her. Talk about it openly, “hey you actually initiated sex with me last night, that was really good that you did that, I appreciate it.” “The house is looking cleaner, that’s good.”
It can be a case of two steps foward and one step back as well. That’s fine too, just look for the long term pattern of positive progress. But when you see things starting to really reverse track, you have to step in and ensure that she understands the consequences of that.
Don’t give up on her, just as she’s finally doing what you what. Ironically this often happens at your point of total exasperation with your marriage. You can’t undivorce yourself if you start the divorce right now, but you can start the divorce in three months if she was just all talk. So breathe…. you worked so hard to get to this point. Just breathe and see what she does.
Not what she says she will do… what she actually does.
Hey athol things are getting back on track now , Thanks for the help man!
There is just one more thing im still confused about, This whole “I love you” “Not in love with you” thing. I still dont have a fkin clue what that actually means. Ive heard so many different answers that meant different things.
From what ive seen and experienced people think the excitement when you first meet someone is love and after 3-4 years when that starts fading they think the love is gone. They give that speech , find someone else and get that excitement back , think there in love again and then another 3-4 years it starts fading and they move on again. In some cases a person will leave get that excitement again but realise that’s not what was missing , realise they did actually love there ex and get back with them.
Is that accurate or am i completely off the mark? If so whats the difference between the two and what causes the change from “In love” to just “love”?
This is a simple question, but the answer is complex. There are three separate hormonal systems; the dopamine “in love” system, the oxytocin(women) / vasopressin(men) “pair bonding love” system, and the testosterone “lust” system. All three systems can work together or separately.
Generally there is a big dopamine response to new relationships, and yes that lasts about 12-24 months for most people and hopefully during that time the oxytocin/vaspressin system gears up and also takes effect. But it’s not one system starts and one stops. Generally most stable couples finds that the dopamine in love feelings come and go over the years, but the oxytocin/vasopressin system stays fairly stable as a positive “love” feeling of attachment.
Some people do indeed jump ship as soon as the in love dopamine wears off, it’s addictive as dopamine is the same hormone that something like cocaine stimulates. But you are correct that the feeling can simply wear off again with a new person. People can return to their partners because the attachment of the pair bond is also a real effect.
This is incidentally why it’s so important to not neglect the Alpha traits that are highly stimulating to women… they can cause a dopamine reaction in her. Generally anything that is exciting or stimulating to the woman = dopamine = in love feelings. The Beta male stuff tends to be a oxytocin reaction in her. So do understand that these are two completely separate hormonal systems at work, it’s not a one to the other exchange.
To be honest I’m not in love with Jennifer as much as I was when we first met, and that’s actually a good thing because I engaged in enormously risky behavior to get to her. It’s not sustainable as a lifestyle, nor would Jennifer want me to act towards her with the same blind devotion; it was very sweet at the time, but she does also need a functional husband as well.
For myself I tend to cycle between having a usually minor crush on someone else and back to a minor crush on Jennifer. But the love feelings just slowly grow and grow in terms of her being part of me and my life. I find the crushes on someone else actually annoying at times because I don’t like feeling split in affection like that. Sometimes the crushes are just bizarre in that I know I would hate dating this person let alone having a relationship with them. Sometimes I have minimal sexual interest in them too. I just try and ignore crushes on other women and enjoy the ride when I crush on Jennifer.
Testosterone is just basic horniness and desire to have sex. I happen to be quite physically interested in Jennifer and we have a lot of sex. So sometimes it is a case of pair bond + good sex being 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. The in love feelings can be extremely elusive though and they usually stem from your Body Agenda wanting you to take a big risk as part it’s reproductive goals. So it’s occasionally like your own body turns into a crack dealer to try get you to do stupid things.
I get a lot of great stuff sent to me by my readers….
…thanks Mum. Great link.
Following on from yesterdays post of What’s Alpha and Beta for a Woman? A reader sent in these great spreadsheets of Alpha and Beta traits for men and women. Noting;
I was thinking some more about one of your key concepts, which is that Alpha and Beta are not mutually exclusive but complementary qualities. Since your audience is supposed to be men, it would make sense to turn the tables around so they can see it with their own eyes. The female equivalent of a man being Alpha is that the wife looks hot in a tight skirt and she’s insatiable in bed. The female equivalent of a man being Beta is that the wife cooks and cleans. If she stops cooking and cleaning, it doesn’t make her more Alpha-equivalent, it just makes her less Beta-equivalent. Likewise, for men, there is no notion that to stop being Beta (to stop fixing things around the house and to stop playing with the kids) makes him more Alpha.
I thought that might help clarify your concept, because some people are still somewhat confused by everything else they read in the pick-up sphere. Just my two cents… Olivier.
I think it spells it out fairly well, the only thing I have to add (again!) is that in my framework the Alpha traits evoke a dopamine response in the opposite sex, while the Beta traits evoke a Oxytocin / Vasopressin response in the opposite sex.
Alpha = attraction building = Dopamine = In Love = Excitement
Beta = comfort building = Oxytocin / Vasopressin = Pair Bond = Calm Enjoyment
I love the “shoveling snow” mention in the spreadsheet as well. More snow coming tonight…