Her Needs For Stimulation And Relationship Engagement.

A question from “B”…
I’m curious what your thoughts are on women and drama. Some Game blogs proclaim that women “need” drama and woe be the husband/player who doesn’t feed them a steady diet of faux crises and kerfuffles. If you don’t, they say, women will make up their own dramatic crises and rope you in. Seems very similar to shit-testing but I haven’t figured it out yet.
Also, your blog came along too late to help me save my marriage, but I use your stuff all the time. I’m amazed how well it (usually) works. I can’t believe how much easier acquiring vagina has become.
Finally, I’ll buy the book to show my support for you…
Buy Me!


  1. Anonymous says:

    Brilliant. You understand women better than even women can understand themselves. I know because I'm a…


  2. This is a work of genius.

    It explains my relationship so well. I am the introvert and my husband is the crazy biker (literally..he is in a biker clan). He seems to need SO MUCH stimulation and complains I don't pay him enough attention. I just think "WTF..I pay you plenty of attention". But now you have made it all make sense.

  3. Miles Anderson says:

    Throughout my life I've been the more active one. I'm the one that drives across the country, visits foreign countries, climbs mountains, runs marathons, goes to 100 concerts a year from classical to death metal, sleeps 5-6 hours for nights on end, tries every new food I run across, etc. But I'm not super social. I suspect that is a little bit weird.[1]

    A thing that keeps me interested in some mystery. I see a advertisement for a new restaurant/theater/etc. and I take her there without much or any warning. I'm slowly getting her to see similar opportunities and surprise me. I think this would work in either direction. If your woman seems to need a bit more stimulation then in addition to the things Athol mentioned surprise her. Just don't do it in a "little boy pleasing mommy way". Do it in a "man leading into the great unknown" kind of way.

    Along these lines one thing I do is to have a lot of ideas at any one time. Concert on Friday, dinner on Saturday, skiing on Sunday, hike on monday, … I don't do them all. But still after 15 years of marriage I think that still overwhelms my wife at times. If you are on the other end of that try to build a model for how many of the things your mate suggests vs how many they actually do. If they just naturally brain storm as a life strategy then listen but don't get buried in the details until you get better clues as to what the more probable things are. I think if you are the lower stimulation guy be the rock, listen well, and lead picking the better things to do as a couple. Make sure some of them are your own ideas although honestly if the person is brain storming a lot it might not really matter. They are probably past a good idea a lot of the time by the time you pick it up, dust it off, put some elbow grease behind it, and make it happen.


    [1] One of my first girlfriends after college was a stripper and a hair dresser. My lack of being outgoing set me up as "standoffish" (I now remember her using that term). And my constant go, go, go thing kept her mostly under control. But looking back I can see failing test after test. It is kind of amusing and scary to see that stuff in the rear view (heh) mirror.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Maybe this could be an easy idea to implement for some quick high "stimulation.":

    Make arrangements to have lunch with wife or GF. Secretly rent hotel room for that day. Get room key ahead of time. Pickup wife or GF, no lunch, go to hotel and have a quick one. Drop her butt off back at work. Could be fun. Better she goes to hotel with you at lunch than the choad in the next cubicle.

  5. Anonymous says:

    To add an additional question to your growing list Athol:

    You talk about high stimulation vs low stimulation here. The man I am currently dating is a good mix of alpha/beta, but I find myself slightly bored on occasion sexually. As you stated here, I'm very much high stimulation and need a very sexually active/adventurous man. How would you recommend bringing up the topic of wanting more in the bedroom without it being an afront to him and his ego?

    I guess in part I'm afraid that his alpha ends at the bedroom door which is where I need it most! It's not that he doesn't excite or please me, he does, but I want to try more things and when I have to lead him to new things to try, it's just not as fun for me as it could be. I'd rather him take charge and suggest more.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Athol, this is a great post! My wife is high stimulation and I'm a recovering Nice Guy. We've had some issues that almost destroyed the marriage, but I think we are getting back on track. We've not had sex in months but when we do I see clearly what needs to be done which I wasn't doing in the past. I clearly need to engage in more high stimulation activities with her and get more Alpha in the bedroom. Thanks!

  7. Good post. But I have to ask…you're saying you're ADHD in the generic 'engergy plus' way, not in a clinically diagnosed sense, right? Because two members of my immediate family have ADHD and I can't imagine either one of them being as capable of well-thought-out plans of action as you appear to be. Though there is that ADHD tendency to hyperfocus, I suppose.

  8. Athol Kay says:

    Z – I'm mostly incapable of finishing anything I start as my ADHD-like symptoms and I have a ton of mental energy. However I'm doing better and better with that as I get older so it's less and less of a problem.

  9. SO much better than Roissy's all-assuming crap. And so much healthier!! Well-done.

    Jennifer 6

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