Husband Just Doesn’t Have A Sex Drive

I keep getting questions from women about why their husband just doesn’t seem to have a sex drive anymore. It may be something as simple as a testosterone deficiency.
See if any of this link makes any sense for your man.
If you both suspect it’s a possibility, then off to the doctor to get orders for a lab draw. A patch or a pill may change things a great deal. Even if your labs are in the lower normal range, you still may be symptomatic and can probably trial medication to see how it works. You never know until you go get checked out.
And yeah I know, guys hate going to the doctor…

Of course if he won’t go do this simple thing… well I’ve got a whole blog about not tolerating relationship choking nonsense. Works both ways, boys and girls. Works both ways.


  1. Tim Ferriss had the issue of low testosterone and he fixed it with diet and exercise. Readers can try this and it may help

    1. Fermented cod liver oil + vitamin-rich butter fat—2 capsules upon waking and before bed
    2. Vitamin D3—3,000–5,000 IU upon waking and before bed (6,000–10,000 IU per day), until you reach blood levels of 55 ng/mL.
    3. Short ice baths and/or cold showers—10 minutes each, upon waking and right before bed
    4. Brazil nuts—3 nuts upon waking, 3 nuts before bed.

    20–24 Hours Prior to Sex
    1. Eat at least 800 milligrams of cholesterol (example: four or more large whole eggs or egg yolks) within three hours of bedtime, the night before you want to have incredible sex.

    Four Hours Prior to Sex
    1. 4 Brazil nuts
    2. 20 raw almonds
    3. 2 capsules of the above-mentioned fermented cod/butter combination

  2. If you go to the doc, make sure you have a second opinion scheduled too. I went to a dude who took a superficial look and told me to get checked out for fertility issues.

    In a white panic, I went to my second appt a week later with a guy a nurse friend told me was the best in the business. He told me there was no indication of said problems in my examination, and said coded things that suggested the first guy was a quack (doctors are loath to criticize each other outside of the fraternity). In particular he said it was borderline unethical to speculate about something as extreme as fertility without airtight lab results, the equivalent of a GP saying "oh you might have cancer" because you had a bump on your neck.

    When you're dealing with issues this serious, if you can get to two urologists/endocrinologists/sex psychologists/etc, don't take any one person's word for it.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I seem to remember hearing some scary stuff about potential side effects of TRT. Aggression and mood swings and such. What are your thoughts on that?

  4. Susan Walsh says:

    About ten years ago (my husband was then 46), during my regular annual physical, I was discussing birth control with my doctor when she asked me how often I had sex. I jokingly replied, "Too often!" She looked at me very seriously, and said, "You're fortunate. You have no idea how many women tell me their husbands don't desire them at all." I think it's especially hard for women because we know how much men value sex.

    Of course, there's the distinct possibility these women are no longer desirable…ouch.

  5. Susan et al,

    Fascinating discussion, I'm surprised the doc was so open with you about it. With the exception of ED, male sexual dysfunction (delayed orgasm, lack of desire) appears to be the elephant in the room of American health.

    Part of it is no doubt apex fallacy – because super alphas like Bill Clinton have insatiable sexual appetites, it gets projected onto all men because it fits with what people want to believe – after all we all know men are all about sex, think about it every 30 seconds, etc. Then it becomes rolled up into a cultural shibboleth of manhood such that a man can't admit he has a problem lest he be seen as a sissy. This of course enhances whatever problems are going on that cause the sexual problem in the first place.

    "Of course, there's the distinct possibility these women are no longer desirable…ouch."

    Given the modern American diet and expanding waistline this is no doubt an explanation.

    America is really F'd up sexually.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I'm getting a monthly testosterone injection. I'd tried the daily patches and gels, but had problems with both.

    The gel never really dried on my skin so my shirt would stick to the gel. Also, the gel has the potential to transfer the medication to others. Great if you want your wife to grow a beard.

    The patch caused massive skin irritation where ever it was applied. I ran out of skin before the first area healed.

    I don't really have serious mood swings, but I can tell the difference between the beginning and the end of the month in how I feel.

    Thanks for the blog, Athol.

  7. Anonymous says:

    What if the husband has simply been rejected so often by his wife that he just doesn't bother trying anymore? Easier to take care of himself on his own than deal with yet another rejection.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Dear unattractive women: stop being fat. Also, be feminine.

  9. If you haven't had much sex lately he may need a few IOIs. Get ready for bed *after* the kids are asleep and flash him in the bathroom a few days running.

    Did you try to play a game where you told him 'no' and were disappointed when he took you seriously? You need to establish a safe word; a way to say *Simon says* please stop. Then don't use it, even if his timing is lousy.

  10. Athol Kay says:

    In all seriousness this is the number one question I get from women. They usually run the list of "I work out, I wear lingerie, I'm always ready to have sex, but he just sits there and says he's too tired."

  11. Anonymous says:

    Anonymous at 3:42 is on to something. I doubt it's the sole reason for very many men but I bet it's an important piece of the puzzle. Letting go of feelings of resentment and rejection is hard and makes it hard to be hard (see what I just did there?).

  12. Anonymous says:

    From personal experience, beta blockers made me always tired. Killed my sex drive and made ED common. I was 38.

    The beta blockers was to treat ventricular tachycardia. Surgery to correct the heart condition and stopping the beta blocker made a huge difference.

    Check the side affects of all medications.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Any correlation between men having healthy/large appetites in the dining room, and that 'appetite' carrying over into the bedroom?

  14. Anonymous says:

    If the husband is saying too tired, there's a good possibility the husband is actually too tired. Men don't code their responses like women, and sex is a very physical activity.

    And if tiredness is the problem, then a change of diet and the addition of exercise is a simple solution.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Beta blockers can nerf your sex drive; Lisonopril and its relatives can interfere with erection. Of course, dropping dead of a cerebral hemorrhage can interfere with your sex life, too, but if you're taking blood-pressure meds, work with your doctor on dosage to see if you can fix the problem.

  16. Anonymous says:

    As has been mentioned…

    Being rejected too many times in the past, to the point of having traded places in the level of desire. We use to go weeks and sometimes months without having sex, because she… pick your reason / excuse. Now, I am really not that interested any more. Where I use to have to take care of it myself every few days, to even be able to fall asleep now I can go with only having to take care of it once every 8-10 days. Plus the fact that she has put on A LOT of weight, it kills the attraction. That along with her lack of trying to even flirt to warm me up, get my mind moving in that direction does not help. So, like I said, it is like we have switched levels of desire somewhat. With her wanting it now about once a week and me not being that interested. Although unlike her I don't turn her down even when I am really not in the mood. It is all pretty depressing.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Oh and I will also say that my sex drive does kick up a few notches when I am getting attention from a younger hot babe, so I know it is still there.

  18. Anonymous says:

    The insidious side of the birth control pill is that, after a while, you start to realize you're just banging against a brick wall. I suspect many marriages break up for this reason. Nature said, "if you're fucking and nothing is happening, move on."

    This may be more of a male issue than a female one. If the wife is interested in continuing support for already existing kids, she'll desire sex as a mate guarding activity. The goal is to keep his nuts drained so he can't capitalize (or have the energy for) extra pair couplings. From his perspective, whether conscious or not, her requests just seem like a nuisance.

    I'm not sure there is a nice and sweet solution here. But maybe Athol can think of something.

  19. Anonymous says:

    "From his perspective, whether conscious or not, her requests just seem like a nuisance."

    Anon @ 2:12 am, can you explain this a little more? Do you mean the repeated requests for sex can become a nuisance?

  20. Anonymous says:

    Being overweight is a big problem for both men and women when it comes to sex drive.

    Why would a guy want to bang his wife if she's a fat blob who can't bother to look decent?

    Why would a guy who's a fat blob himself want to get off his butt and do anything except visit the fridge?

    If your husband's overweight, that can mess up his testosterone as well.

  21. Anonymous says:

    "Nature said, 'If nothing is happening move on'"

    I haven't seen any studies of this, but it would make sense that if a couple has been having sex for a while and no pregnancy has resulted, BOTH partners would subconsciously conclude "This isn't working, better try someone else." The definition of "for a while" may differ between the sexes, probably for women it doesn't kick in until the most recent child is past infancy.

    Evolution of this "feature" would seem like a good guard against becoming an evolutionary dead-end due to infertility of one's mate.

  22. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 3:27pm – that seems possible. Infertility is certainly a stress on a couple.

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