Jennifer Answers Some Questions

I threw some questions Jennifer’s way…
Do you guys really have sex every day? Is that even possible?
I know, right?! It is possible! It is a rare thing for us to not do “something” every day…and it doesn’t have to be full on intercourse to count as “something”. A hand job, a blow job, a massage with benefits…we’re still having that time of closeness and connection to each other at the end of the day. We do have actual intercourse more often than anything else, but frankly sometimes the girly parts need a night off and I’m happy to cater to what Athol wants.
How do you keep Athol interested in you sexually? He seems, um… intense?
Yep, intense is a good word to use. It helps that…
Buy Me!

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank you Jennifer (and Athol)! I don't really "get it" but I have read the archives and will continue reading. Maybe I will have a light bulb moment.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    What's the exact issue you're having trouble with Anon? What don't you "get"?

    Sometimes I just assume things, so I might have missed saying something that you need to know.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Athol, can you please just admit that you are different from most men? If your behavior is normal, then the rest of us are married to a bunch of betas. No way could my husband keep up participating in sex "every night."

    On the flip side, as you say, your drive is what motivates you to write this blog (which helps a lot of people), so the Universe definitely had a purpose in mind when creating you!

    Not the Anon from 11:02 pm

  4. Anonymous says:

    I am the first Anon. I think the thing I don't understand from your perspective is that the sex seems to sometimes be divorced from deep emotional intimacy. Sometimes you may be tempted by another woman physically but I presume you don't have much of an emotional relationship with her. It goes beyond that, though. I don't even understand wanting to have sex with your wife when you are emotionally disconnected. You gave an example of that a few weeks ago; you had had a hurtful misunderstanding with Jennifer but it didn't slow you down at all. I am , of course, coming at this from a female point of view and for me desire is 99 percent emotional. I don't know that I will be able to comprehend the male point of view, although I think you have done a good job in explaining some things about hormones and body agenda.
    As for Jennifer's side of things, I am in awe that she is happy to participate in the bedroom 300plus nights a year. I try to imagine my husband getting some Alpha game going, getting in shape, etc. and I still cannot in my wildest dreams imagine myself happy with that regimen. I mean, even half that number is beyond me. I don't talk to many other wives about this topic but the ones I have spoken to are even less interested than I am.The ones who are religious put up with it because they believe God commands them to do so. The ones who are not religious are divorced.It does seem that you have a gem of a wife who is a good fit for you.
    I don't know, I guess I am just wondering if there is anything a wife can do for herself in terms of vitamins, diet, ?, to improve her desire if it is clear that her husband is and will continue to be 100 percent Beta.

  5. As a female, I wondered a little about Jennifer's desire as well. I am glad to hear that all is well on that front. :-)

    I'm posting as a woman with an average to high sex drive, by the way. For me, having sex every day would take away some of my desire. I don't think I have a lower sex drive than most men, but I do have a less frequent one. I enjoy a few sexual sessions a day – some days. On other days I do not want sex at all. I flow up and down, and there does seem to be a monthly pattern. I find that if I give myself a little break every once in a while, I experience more desire and passion the next time I have sex.

    Finding balance in our sex life is an ongoing journey. (As with many het couples.) It's a bit like a see-saw between our desire patterns. Luckily we work with each other. Hand jobs are great! Masturbation is great. By the way, Masturbation can be a loving, bonding activity too. If you are there for your partner, caressing, whispering sweet nothings (or naughty nothings) into their ear, performing some foreplay, while they masturbate, it can be quite a sexy and intimate experiece.

    The reason I'm posting this is because some of the women commenters seemed concerned that they did not have desire for sex almost every day. So I just wanted them to know that they're not alone. But there are ways to be sexual even if you are not in the mood to have an orgasm that night.

  6. The short answer is no.
    If he doesn't care or know how to be more attractive to you, and that's the situation you are used to, no wonder you don't get it.

    In short, what I get from what Athol talks about here are ways for me to be more attractive to my wife, psychologically / emotionally, meeting her needs, and in turn she meets my daily sexual needs. In his marriage this agreement seems spelled out, in mine it's more implied, but with the same end result: a wife who is attracted to her husband and daily sex.

    The long answer, from a mans point of view, is in the end it's on him to make this happen in your relationship, you cannot do it alone. He must lead for you to follow. Thats how Alpha works. Honesty and education is what I'd recommend you try. Educate him on alpha/beta, explain what you genuinely find attractive, even if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about.

    Also, from a male point of view, if he grew up in America, remember he's been trained all his life to be Beta. I'm naturally Alpha and only recently realized I was suppressing my Alpha side and making myself unattractive to my woman because that's what I've been taught my whole life to do.

  7. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 11:57 – I thought I was admitting that! 300+ times a year and still wanting more is at the very high end of the scale. I know I'm not normal… why would anyone assume that a sex / marriage blogger wasn't fixated on sex?!?? :-)

    Even so, don't eat endless crap, regular exercise, protein shakes… it's really not that hard to have all this semen that has to go somewhere.

    What some of you ladies are missing is that attraction is not controllable. You're trying to imagine what it would be like married to a guy that wildly turns you on, but you're not in that brain chemistry state of being turned on, so it's very hard to imagine. Female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality.

    Then you guys ask other wives who aren't turned on by their husbands… and you all agree you don't want sex all that much.

    The "bang everyone" thing is just testosterone. You don't need to be in love with, or love someone to get that sexual impulse. Being in love with Jennifer is dopamine, being pair bonded to her is vasopressin (and it's oxytocin for women that does that).

    And no – you don't have to have sex every day to have a happy sex life. We certainly don't have vaginal sex everyday; Jennifer's lady bits couldn't handle that. I'm not hung like a horse by any means, mildly above average, but she's quite petite. So there's a limit to that fun.

  8. it continues to astonish me that ANYONE believes provision of sexual outlet is not the CHIEF component of a wife's job. you have asked a man to forsake all other women for you–how do you expect him to do this without release? if men waited for a woman's "mood" to match his men and women would never have sex, let him do stuff UNTIL youre in the mood, and if you arent giving a man a bj never killed anyone–how can pleasing him not make you happy? don't you love him? don't you want him not to turn to other outlets for sexual solace? sometimes there will be emotional depth and connection, other times you'll just be giving him a happy ending like a massage parlor. that's marriage.

  9. Anonymous says:

    In regards to being "emotionally disconnected" – just because you have a misunderstanding with your spouse, that doesn't mean you don't still love them. Sex can be a great way to help you look past the problem and realize that you are still a team. I think the problem that most women face is that when there is a misunderstanding, they become resentful. And NOTHING kills sexual desire quicker than resentment.

  10. Athol Kay says:

    And yes we did have struggles with each other a couple weeks back. The sex was actually quite intense both nights. It's called make up sex and completely normal.

  11. Thag Jones says:

    I can definitely vouch for the fact that while suffering from low desire, it is hard to imagine it isn't because there is something wrong with you. When I first started having sex, it was an almost daily event, and I liked it that way. I had a couple of relationships over about a 10 year span and I started to think I just had developed a low sex drive because I just never really felt much attraction and the sex was boring. Fast forward a bit and I have found that it wasn't me at all.

    Sex can definitely help people to reconnect. I used to shut down whenever there was emotional trouble and it only made it worse. That doesn't mean you should force yourself to do something you don't want to, but if there is attraction, it won't just disappear and it can be quite constructive (and intense) to reconnect in that way. It's a lot better than shutting each other out.

  12. Anonymous says:

    First Anon here again (11:02). Okay, now I understand that I have been thinking about male and female sexuality as if they were on the same continuum. In other words, I have been comparing oranges with pork chops! If the female is responding to the male like an echo to a call, I see what the problem is – I haven't heard the call!
    "H" you give very good advice. Unfortunately, I won't be able to take that advice. My husband is extremely sensitive to anything that even comes close to criticism. If I were to speak about some changes he could make, it would be taken as a slam against him. He is such a great father, provides a roof over our heads, and is just an all around nice person so I want to avoid bringing up anything that would make him feel like more of a "failure" (his words, not mine).Since we don't talk about our thoughts or feelings, we never argue. I guess that is why I am unfamiliar with make up sex.
    This blog has actually helped me a lot in diagnosing the whys and wherefores of his becoming completely beta over the last several years. I may not be able to enact a "cure" but just knowing from whence the "dis-ease" springs is comforting.

  13. Anonymous says:

    P.S. I wanted to respond to Dana that I do look at that part of the relationship as being mostly for him. It is not pretty but it is reality and I think I am on my way to accepting that.

  14. Thag Jones says:

    P.S. I also find periodic breaks help keep things going. Bursts of daily sex is good, but doing that all the time would probably make it less exciting and a bit exhausting. It really does depend on the couple (not all men have Athol's sex drive, of course, lol).

  15. Obsidian says:

    Hi AK,
    Since we were introduced by a hater of Game recently, I thought I would drop by from time to time to register a comment or observation here and there. From what I've read thus far, you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work.

    I don't know if you've seen a bit of my own work in this regard, but if you or your readers haven't here's a taste:

    You Should Be Dancing: Tony Manero & "Ataru Game"
    http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com/entry/62661

    By all means, keep in touch and best to you and yours!

    O.

  16. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 11:02 – have you sent him here at all?

    It sounds like you're trying to evoke a dominant reaction out of him. If you find ways to be submissive towards him, he can become dominant by default. In time he may learn to like it.

  17. Anonymous says:

    It seems that on those nights when Jennifer is giving you a handjob or a bj Jennifer is not actually having sex she is giving out sex. That may be ok with her but I got tired of handing out this kind of sex candy to my low sex drive,beta spouse. There also seems to be a simplistic notion that if a woman loves her husband and doesn't want to have him cheating on her she ought to (maybe even,an implied threat or guilt trip) put out the nonintercourse stuff. After a full day of nonexistent Alpha, half baked Beta and years of little intercourse,I'm ready to throw in the towel and get some good sleep instead. I'm thinking he ought to go take care of himself sexually since he doesn't seem to be planning on attracting my attention. Mr Beta is not usually as Beta behaved as he thinks he is anyway and that gets old too. By the way, not recommending you hetero males try this,but having a sausage pushed in and out of your mouth till your jaws ache is not that much fun for the female. Jerking you off can be pretty boring too. Thank your woman if she is willing to do something for you like this when it certainly isn't getting her off and you are expecting this as an alternative to sex when she is already tired,stressed,ill,hasn't been offered your body for intercourse for quite awhile, or is pissed at you. How about we switch things around for a year ? If intercourse is not in the cards that night you get to show your love and keep her from cheating on you by using a sex toy to get her off or masturbating her by hand until your hand about falls off or she comes. Or you could man up listen to Athol and get your Alpha act in gear.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Question for the guys here: do you give out the oral love to the wife as often as she gives you blowies (assuming you get them)? Does she have orgasms every time it's sexy time? (are you sure?) If not, therein lies your problem.

    I've found mutual pleasure to be the tool that takes the "wifely duty" (yawn) out of sex and puts the fun back in.

    Anonymous Woman

  19. @Anonymous Woman

    Orgasms aren't something a man can do "to" his woman. She has to want them, and be willing to give feedback.

    It's like landing on a carrier. The pilot can't do it. He has to depend on the LSO's signals.

  20. Athol Kay says:

    Anon March 1 12:55 – I understand what you are saying and I sympathize, you're making an excellent description of the problem I'm trying to solve.

    My question is, "Wwhat practical steps have you taken to change things?"

    I know many female readers have asked me that exact question and I haven't answered it fully as yet.

  21. Anonymous says:

    You're absolutely correct, Bob. But if the pilot doesn't really care about those signals anyway, that plane may crash.

    That doesn't answer my question of "going downtown" – from what I hear, lots of guys don't/won't do this but they want a BJ; not fair! Lousy lovers don't get under the covers.

    Anonymous Woman

  22. Charles says:

    If she doesn't actually like receiving oral sex as much as he does, insistence that he give as often as he receives sounds like a shit test. Real parity means doing for her whatever she enjoys as much as he enjoys a blowjob.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Have you tried cleaning up a bit down there? Trim the bushes? Give the ol' girl a scrub down? Gotta make it appealing – otherwise you're just whining about how it's "not fair". Clearly every man enjoys being coerced into giving oral, right?

  24. What Charles said. A good sexual relationship means never saying no to each other in the bedroom.

  25. I agree with Anonymous Woman–what's with guys wanting blowjobs but not wanting to reciprocate? Especially if you're demanding I wax first. Do you even know what it's like to have hot wax on your genitals?! OUCH.

    As for emotional connection, I often have sex with my husband when I'm angry or frustrated at him. All that energy needs to go somewhere! But when he's dropping his alpha game, I generally lose all desire to have sex with him because he's being such a sop. It's a big turn-off.

    I'd venture the guess that Athol and Jennifer have so much sex because Athol's got his alpha/beta balance figured out. He knows which one his wife needs and when, and she naturally responds when he gives it to her. It's like having someone read your mind, obviously you'd always be getting exactly what you want.

  26. Anonymous says:

    About oral on the woman. This is just me but I find it stimulating but not to the orgasmic level. It is ok as foreplay in other words. It is the male member that is Alpha to me and man on top makes me feel totally overcome with Alphaness. Just guessing cause I'm not a guy, but could a man get more of a vaginal feeling going in to the mouth (and an Alpha,somewhat dominating feeling) but for a woman a tongue just is no way fulfilling (no pun intended) as a cock inside. On another blog talking about oral sex on women men were bragging about going on and on orally as if the long distance they were achieving made it more satisfactory for the woman. Not so. Another question is how much does porn feed in to a mens expectations,nowadays. Were all men in previous times insistent that their wives show up in bed doing bjs and handjobs and maybe anal and maybe sex toys? Or did they find sexual happiness with mainly intercourse,man on top? Don't know.Will men reading Athol assume their wives are sexually lame if they don't have sex as often as Athol and Jennifer and don't do the things they do sexually?
    I read Dick and Jane's blog and just figured my husband would never be that sensual or experimental. And I agree that cleanliness is essential for oral but wow do we have to be completely shaved (difficult,painful at times,itchy when growing out and embarrassing at the ob/gyns).

  27. Anonymous says:

    Hi Athol,
    Looking forward to any tips and hints you have for women! One o'them.

  28. "Especially if you're demanding I wax first. Do you even know what it's like to have hot wax on your genitals?! OUCH."

    Demanding? Honey, if you're doing this because the hub is demanding and you don't really want to do it for yourself, then don't. OR offer to do if he waxes his genitals. That should end the matter. Good trimming with the scissors should be all that's necessary; shaving leaves itchy, drive-you-crazy rashes unless you do it every single day. This is the bad side of porn, some men expect plastic porn dollies in the bed (anal bleaching anyone?).

  29. Here it is, ladies, the answer you want, but you might not want to hear it. First though, bitchiness, which is coming out in some of these posts, is not conducive to getting your man to man up. Just the opposite, of course. Anyway…

    Unfortunately, many many many of us are(were) under the mistaken impression that we should walk on eggshells around women and give in to whatever they want/demand, and then maybe we'll get what we want, but then only begrudgingly or occasionally. Many many of us have(had) never had the pleasure of being with a woman who was genuinely turned on by us. Honest. Because we don't know any better. So this is what we come with, the fakey smarmy crap. This just makes women more frustrated and we get more of the same, so we assume we did something wrong and try even harder to be nice. The feedback loop is broken.

    So you, as a woman, if you can't get the guy to come here without making him feel even more pussy-whipped, you have to initiate a positive-feedback loop. Submissiveness will help. Also, you have to get really turned on by something slightly alpha even if it only slightly turns you on. He dressed nice, or stood up straight, or whatever. Compliment him on it by saying: it turns you on. You have to say to him, "You're amazing" when he's not really, but it will turn him on and then he will be. Use a little dirty talk, even if it doesn't feel natural. He thinks you're a damn princess, and he doesn't know how to treat you like he really really wants to treat you deep down. We're all natural alphas at the core.

    Eventually, you have to tell him that you actually like to have your hair tugged a little. You have to tell him this several times. Most of us were brought up to never ever harm a hair on a woman's head, even in play. Really. And overcoming that conditioning will take some hard-core convincing on your part (with some help from Athol if he doesn't believe you). I say you have to, but you really don't have to do anything. But how is what you are already doing working for you?

  30. Anonymous says:

    Great advice Elhaf – there's A LOT of truth in what you're saying. I've experienced this first hand with my hubs on days when he's feeling kinda low.

  31. Anonymous says:

    AK said,
    "What some of you ladies are missing is that attraction is not controllable. […] Female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality."

    Thanks Athol, now I'm totally convinced that you "get it" and no longet worried about Jennifer at all. There really is a way to do it, so that both partners are genuinely happy and satisfied. Of course, the key thing is finding the right person.

    However, while I'm convinced that you get it, I don't think some of your commenters do, the ones who are suggesting that sex is a wifely duty. I'm quite sure that a woman who has sex with a man she is not attracted to purely out of "duty" will sooner or later start to hate sex (with that man). Surely, no husband would want that?

  32. Athol Kay says:

    I think it's a duty, a right and a priviledge to both partners in a marriage to maintain a sexual relationship with the other.

    In the end my entire blog is about men being the sort of man that evokes a sexual response from their wife. I hold out the sex itself as the cheese that makes them want to learn the maze to finding their way out to being better men.

    The maze itself is not easy to learn, with many dead ends and confusing turns. For now some of my readers are lost in the maze, but they are here and still eager to learn it. Be patient, in time they may all get it.

    Men want better sex, women want better men. These things take time.

  33. Anonymous says:

    "Men want better sex, women want better men."

    Athol, that line needs to be on your book jacket somewhere. Maybe that subtitle you asked about awhile back? It's a perfect summary of your blog/book's entire raison d'etre.

  34. " Unfortunately, I won't be able to take that advice. My husband is extremely sensitive to anything that even comes close to criticism. If I were to speak about some changes he could make, it would be taken as a slam against him. "

    I think this is on him if he's more intent on ego protection than his sex drive – the ironic thing is that by letting himself absorb a little constructive criticism he could rebuild a bigger, more alpha ego and get laid at the same time!

    "I'm quite sure that a woman who has sex with a man she is not attracted to purely out of "duty" will sooner or later start to hate sex (with that man). Surely, no husband would want that?"

    Don't call me Shirley. Here's the deal with wifely sex from an unmarried man – we guys want a place to put it, and so the occasional "I'm not in the mood but I'll put out anyway because I want my man to be pleasured" is cool, but what we really want is to do it with a woman who WANTS us. If you're constantly having not-that-into-it sex with your man, both of you are probably going to get resentful.

    It's somewhat the same as women want their men to ask about their day – it's not the asking, they want them to WANT to know about their day.

    My view of the wifely duty is more strategic – she has to keep herself in shape, not put the kids over her husband and otherwise be someone her man would want to do. She can only make herself be "into her husband" to a small degree – that's the man's job to be someone SHE wants.

    In other words, if you're to the point of rank refusal or frequent not-in-the-mood pounding, you or your husband or both have already failed at the strategic directives. If you're both reasonable on those strategic items I feel like the question of "should I put out when I'm not in the mood" shouldn't come up THAT much.

  35. Anonymous says:

    Agreed:

    Married Man Sex Life: Men Want Better Sex, Women Want Better Men

  36. Agreed. Sums it up nicely.

  37. Anon Husband says:

    Anonymous Woman asked, "do you give out the oral love to the wife as often as she gives you blowies (assuming you get them)? Does she have orgasms every time it's sexy time?"

    The tone of your post and the context of your question are more important than the question itself. But to answer it, in our 12th year, I'm experimenting with ratcheting up my Alpha. For years, she's gotten no orgasms from being with me, and would be content to see our sex life drop to zero. As one way to change the relationship, I've begun insisting that she accept 'oral love' — not for the Big O, which isn't gonna happen, but as one more way to get her to grapple with the idea that Marriage includes Intimacy, and Intimacy includes Sex. Lucky for me, she does crave a good marriage to me, both for her sake, and for our kids.

    AW, there's obviously things in your relationship that you want to change, just as there's different things that I'm looking to change in mine. I know (1) I want to 'go deeper' with my beloved, and (2) my partner lacks certain insights, so it's up to me to take the reins, concerning intimacy.

    How about you?

  38. Anonymous says:

    Anon Husband: Visit Betty Dodson's website; lefthand side — visit How to Orgasm; show to wife; give her some quiet time to read and ponder. Possibly might help her. Some women really struggle with this; I've known women who have been married for years, had children, and never experienced an orgasm. Sad.

    Anon Woman

  39. Athol Kay says:

    Also you could try a trial of Wellbutrin. There's evidence that it can be effective in increasing not just libido, but also sexual pleasure and ability to orgasm.

  40. @Anonymous Woman

    You say you give signals. Are *you* sure? Thinking really loudly doesn't do it.

    Have you ever scratched his back? Did he give you directions? "A little lower, a little lower, now just a bit to the right… that's it… Ah that's great…."

    That's the kind of signals he hopes for. Too often a guy gets something more like: "Stop that. It's no good. That's terrible."

  41. Anon Husband says:

    Thanks AW and AK for March 5 suggestions. This comment to one of Betty Dodson's posts also included links to an interview that my wife and I will find useful. I hope…

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