Need Some Questions From The Ladies

I’m a little burned out from writing for advice for men, so all April I’m writing advice for the women.
I have a fair number of post ideas in mind, but I’m interested to know exactly what the most pressing questions are from the women reading. Just leave comments or you can email me them as well.
April’s postings are also doubling as a thinly disguised front for me ordering “sexual room service” for a bunch of stuff from Jennifer that I wouldn’t mind her doing. So if you’re the husbandly half of a couple that frequently reads the blog and there’s something you want me to try and talk your wife into via post, then drop me a line. I’ll try get you hooked up.


  1. Anonymous says:

    Okay, here's my most pressing issue. My husband basically has lost some of his sex drive. He never initiates! It has come to a point in our relationship where I am egging him on all the time. Most of the time I get no from him. He has no erectile dysfunction, he is not cheating, he doesn't even work. I know for a fact he loves me, we are exceptionally content. I worry that he's so content he feels he doesn't even need to try anymore. We've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 2 mostly once a week. When it comes to sexing it up he doesn't even help start my engine! It feels very much like he is too lazy to bother. What can I do to make him the way he used to be? Ps. I have not gained weight! We are evenly ranked.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    What's the story behind him not working? Any medical issues? Medication?

  3. Anonymous says:

    Recently Retired military, he's 40. Honestly this is the only serious issue, we rarely argue, and we get along very well! He's great around the house. He just doesn't get aroused like he used to, he isn't as affectionate as he used to be either. I push it with him often, he just feels different after he finished his career with the military. /breathes sorry.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Okay my question in less words is: How can I get him to be more sexually interested in me? (yes I've tried dressing up… he tells me he thinks i look good but he doesn't pounce like he used to)

  5. Anonymous says:

    My question goes along with the previous anon…how can I make myself "irresistable" to my husband? I've gone the lingerie route and I'm in excellent shape, physically, but he's not "pouncing"(as the previous anon said) like he used to. Are there any other tricks I should know about? I know he's stressed and that's not helping, so how do I go about helping him to de-stress and to make myself irresistable?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Is there anything I can do to encourage more positive Alpha and Beta behaviors (decisiveness /thoughtfulness)and less negative ones (bossiness/giving in to end the conflict), without being perceived as naggy or manipulative?

    Oh – more sex would be great!!


  7. I have a feeling that "facesitting" is going to be involved in some of the April posts.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Years ago I was walking across a pedestrian overpass and someone had written in chalk on the walkway: "If you want to keep getting what you're getting, keep doing what you're doing."

    I think of that all the time and in the context of this blog and this post I think of it like this: Women often don't understand that their fitness/shit tests are perceived as negative reinforcement by their man.

  9. Athol Kay says:

    Okay Badger I got your request for facesitting. You can probably just ask her to do it though, you don't have to send her here. :-)

  10. Anonymous says:

    Here's one for you: I want to "peg" my husband. His response: no way.
    How can I have my way with him? I want his "man cherry!" I want to experience, in some small way, what sex is like for a man — the dominance element that seems to be such a major part of sex for many men.

    Not joking; any helpful advice would be appreciated.

  11. Anonymous says:

    @ Anonymous 11:04 – you are asking for a major boundary pushing situation. What have you done to show him that the submissiveness that you have ask for is over after the sex play? Are you letting him tie you up? Have you asked to be laid across his knees and spanked? You are going to have to show him that this sexual power play is "no big deal" and is over once you are outside the bedroom AND it still may not work. He just may not be into it.

  12. Anonymous says:

    How can I explain that I don't always need to have an orgasm during sex? Sometimes it really is ok for him to get off without me. The constant pressure to orgasm is taking the fun out of our sex life.

  13. Great idea for questions from the ladies. I think I read this blog more than my husband, even though he is on your daily email list! My question is similar to first poster. How to get my husband interested without having to be the one to initiate all the time?? This is a long standing issue.
    Yes we have two young children, yes we are stressed, but I seem to still have a sex drive left after all that, he does not. I have at different times talked with him about this, not talked about it, begged, cried, tried looking like I really don't care and lingerie and all that obvious stuff. No help!
    We are pretty well matched regarding rank although I may be slightly higher ranked than him physically.
    I have almost always initiated. But I am really desperate for him to step up.
    Would love to hear what your thoughts are on scheduled sex…ie; so many nights a week, husband initiates so many nights, woman initiates so many etc?? Good idea or not?
    Really looking forwards to the focus on the ladies questions over the next month.

  14. Anonymous says:

    I second the "I don't have to orgasm all the time" idea. I get it that he gets off by it, it boosts the ego, etc. But sometimes I *do* want to focus on his orgasm! I get the same enjoyment he does by experiencing my partner's joy!

  15. Anonymous says:

    My Question: Do men daydream about being in love? For example, do they think about just being with their significant other, about the possible conversations they might have, about the particular feelings that might exist between two people? Or is it that men just focus on the sex part in their daydreaming?

    For those who live in the U.S. and subscribe to the Sunday paper, today's Parade Magazine has a write up on the golfer Phil Mickelson. Wow, now there's a guy who is totally in love with his wife. There's a description in the article that reads "Phil is so in love with Amy, he'll stand there just staring at her like he's meeting her for the first time…" Normally I would console myself by writing off such a guy as a Beta wimp, but in this case the 'beta wimp' is a world class athlete!

  16. Anon 4:12,

    I'll take a stab…I think most men quite enjoy being in love, but lots of guys (I'm one of them) have those "feelings dreams" beaten out of them when they discover that vulnerability is a tingle-killer. That pattern of thinking is sometimes dubbed "one-itis." We'd like to think this way but we can't because we won't have a relationship to daydream about if we do.

    You've answered your own question – Mickelson can get away with it because he's a world class athlete. Guys without that kind of status can't pull those moves without getting pegged as wimps, as you say yourself. If the gina don't tingle the guy don't mingle!

  17. Anonymous says:

    Badger, thanks for your answer to my question. Your explanation makes sense. I can see that my husband might feel this way at times.

    I don't know what it is with us women. We want our guys to be vulnerable, but only on our terms. This, at least for me, is a challenge in my marriage.

    I love this site. Not only for Athol's keen insight, but also for the other male perspectives which shed light on how men think and really feel about things.

  18. Athol Kay says:

    I think after the Tiger Woods scandal the whole "he gazes at his wife like he was meeting her for the first time" deal is just spin.

    Pretty sure anyone that plays golf that well can just put everything on "ignore" and concentrate on hitting a little ball far away towards a little hole.

    Of maybe it means he checks her out. That's what I did to Jennifer when I met her. She had a blue and white dress on. Knee length and a white blouse thing. Sneakers.

    When women talk about wanting senstive men, they mean senstive to them. They really don't want the guy to cry when he thinks about dolphins caught in tuna nets.

  19. Anonymous says:

    poor dolphins!

    btw, i want to thank you. i was reading the "Date NIght" post and had an "aha!" moment. I bring it up here because it has to do with the "how do i get my husband interested in me/sex question."

    my husband is quite passive (he's working on it), and due to some weird emotional issues (not my problem to solve, kwim?), he'd spun into "omega" territory. i was wearing all pants — work, house, parenting and running the sex life — and quite frankly, i wanted to be treated like a woman! meaning, i need a man!

    so, unconsciously, i tried to do things to attract him, rather than direct the process (hello, it's monday, sex day. have sex now because it is on the schedule, and i schedule everything. your doctor's appointment is in the morning, and don't forget to pick up more printer paper for work, oh husband — really, it was getting tedious.).

    so, i did funny things: I got a brazillian — no interest. i got complicated and uncomfortable undies — no interest. i got my hair did — no interest. i wore the clothes he said he liked — no action. i swear, i wanted to throw myself out the window i felt so frustrated and rejected.

    yesterday, i read date night, and you wrote about how Jennifer was dressing up for you, and your response was something like "whatever is fine, i don't care, but you compliment her for the effort…"

    i realized that what i was doing was probably NOT what interests my husband (in regards to dress, brazillians, whatever), but he didn't know ehough to compliment me anyway. it was more like "yeah, whatever ok." when i was hoping for "woo hoo! brazillian? HOT! lets do it!"

    so, now i'm in a nice conversation with the "DH" about what does interest him. some of it's a bit extreme for the moment (eg, getting my nipples re-pierced but our toddler still nurses), but i think some of it is doable.

    he also read the blog, and he apparently also had an "aha" moment because he complimented me today and has shown interest (and he did flirty-alpha things).

    we're getting somewhere. slowly, but somewhere, so thanks!

  20. In other words, Athol, "Sensitive" as in perceptive and accommodating, not really sensitive at all. Seeing as how we all want that, we men ought to be able to empathize, as long as we know what such code words really mean.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Hi Athol,

    Your blog is great. Can't wait for the book.

    I have a question: I want to know how to encourage my boyfriend to be more alpha without tipping him off that I think he's too beta.

    The problem is that, in a lot of ways, he is much more sensitive than I am. I know that I can't change his personality and I don't want to, but I don't want to feel "stronger" than him in that sense either. I have been trying to be more feminine and vulnerable towards him to help balance things, but I still find myself losing respect for him. I really don't want to go down that path, but I don't know how I can talk to him about it. In the past when I've tried to it's just hurt his feelings, the end result being that I feel terrible, less attracted to him, and terrible about the fact that I feel less attracted to him.

  22. Hermione says:

    Hi Athol, I'm Leonidas' (of Gaming My Wife fame) wife. I had a question concerning shit tests that you may or may not have any suggestions for. How should I, as a woman, handle shit tests that *other* women throw at me? Especially the very subtle kind. The rude and obvious ones I seem to do okay at. It doesn't work right to handle them like a man would, and having Leonidas take care of them for me just weakens my position.

    We were talking about it this evening because I have a friend who is starting to throw major shit tests my way, mostly because I think she's upset that her husband is too beta and mine isn't. The big example I was thinking of was when they came and visited us overnight, and when we got up the next morning she basically took over my turf in the kitchen and made breakfast for everyone, without asking, and then seemed to be judging me as a bad host because of it. I had fully intended on making breakfast for everyone, and I saw it for a power play at the time, but I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

    That's just one example, but I just wondered if you had any ideas about it.

  23. Athol Kay says:

    Hermione – you think she's subconsciously making a play for your husband? Or maybe not so subconsciously?

    Just out of curiousity, who's idea was it to have them sleep over?

    Otherwise it all just seems passive-aggressive on her part. These people will always find a way to be offended, so you just start minimizing contact with them when they can't behave.

  24. Hermione says:

    I don't think she's making a pass at him, at least at this point. Not consciously.

    I think it was our idea; this was when we were living out of town and they came and stayed with us for a weekend and we went to a football game. We went to rival schools and it was generally meant to be a fun weekend.

    We used to all be really good "couple" friends but she's been behaving more and more like a princess lately. She didn't used to be easily offended.

    Women care about status and ranking with one another, and so while it is passive aggressive I think it makes sense that women would shit test one another to see where they fall on the food chain. That's just a theory, though, and Leonidas and I were talking about it after we dropped some food off at their house tonight. The husband was very welcoming, kind and thankful and she basically pretended like we didn't exist and never thanked us. She never used to behave this way; not sure what is going on but I feel like it's competition. She's too religious to purposefully come after Leonidas, and my spidey-sense hasn't totally gone off in the way that I think she is particularly attracted to him. My guess would be it's a female dominance play since we're two of the only women in a group of guys.

    But more than the specific situation is the thought that women shit test each other when trying to figure out their ranking within a group, and if there is a type of "girl game" to play to defeat these shit tests without looking like a raging bitch.

  25. Athol Kay says:

    Well if her hubby is overly Beta, she's might just be getting all purpose pissed off at the world. Gotta wonder when she last had the anti-depressant effects of semen :-)

  26. Anonymous says:


    I know exactly what you mean by female s-tests. Happens to me a lot and, given the situation, I can't just write the female off who does this to me. The best way to deal with it is to always act like

    1) the tests role right off your back
    2) continue to behave as you always would, confident about yourself and your situation.

    As per your example, the way I would have handled the situation of her cooking breakfast would be to sweetly and sincerely thank her for making breakfast. (maybe just slightly, and I mean very slightly, too sweetly) She may not get it but this way, you are not falling into her trap. She made the decision to make breakfast and she does know that on some level. Let her stew in her own juices from her decision. Then continue on being the gracious host. Don't let her slow you down even for a moment. After all, the person you really do not want to loose status with is your own husband and likely her husband as well. The more she throws these tests at you and you just ignore them, the more she will make herself lose status in everyone else's eyes.

  27. As soon as she started to take over in my kitchen I'd have raised my eyebrow at my husband, thanked her for giving us some extra free time in the morning and dragged him back to the bedroom – that would have taken the wind out of her sails.

  28. Anon 9:03:

    Thanks for the comment. I basically did thank her for it and act as normal, I just wasn't sure whether that was the right call because she was braggy and smug afterward. But you're right that acting gracious works well in letting them hang themselves; I use this tactic with my obnoxious sister-in-law all the time. The nicer I am, the less bothered by her behavior I am, the more furious she gets, and so she ends up looking terrible to everyone else because she is behaving awful while I'm being sweet and polite.

    I've spent much of my life avoiding other girls because of this kind of behavior; it sucks that the women I have decided to be friends with have recently begun to behave more like spoiled American princesses and less like the women they originally were.

    Hah, that would have been particularly funny considering how Baptist they both are.

  29. Anonymous says:


    I get that braggy and smug thing too from the female that does this to me. I am told she does this because she is jealous of me. Though it is not easy to see this when you are in the middle of it. The cattiness in me wants to come out so badly, and I admit that sometimes it does. I am in no way proud of it, but she can get under my skin so much sometimes that it just slips out. It always makes me look bad though and I hate it when it happens. As hard as it is, letting her dig her own hole has always worked the best in my situation.

    I wish you luck.

    Anon 9:03

  30. Anonymous says:

    tell me this: is it preferable to fake an orgasm so he thinks he's "done it," or to tell him he sucks in the hope he will improve, or to just act like you really feel – like "oh, that was nice, glad it was fun for you, do you want a cup of coffee now?" I'm kind of making it extreme, but it seems to me to be an issue of sexiquette. I try and leave the reveal for later and make it softer, like "hey, honey, next time lets see if we can find my G-spot…" or "hey, how about we get warmed up in the tub first…" but that doesn't seem to improve things. In fact, it seems to me that guys have pretty tender egos around performance issues. I'm not saying I can't get along without an O – I like the warmth of it all and when he gets it off its a big thrill, but there is room for improvement…how do men like their advice?

  31. Athol Kay says:

    If you start faking orgasm, he's going to keep doing whatever it was he was doing when you had to fake it. Forever.

    Tell him what you need during the sex.

    "Almost there baby… harder/faster/higher/lower/slower."

    Then be all over him (reward) after you orgasm.

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