No Call, No Show = Natural Consequences

Had a reader ask me about his reaction to being basically stood up by his girlfriend, and then having her come waltzing through the door like nothing was wrong and innocently asking if he was mad. He essentially explained fairly firmly that she was being rude to him and she did ultimately apologize, but then the sex afterwards was clearly just tolerated on her part, so somehow… he lost anyway…  Here’s my slightly more fleshed out reply.
Hi there,
Actually you didn’t pick a fight here, you basically tried to talk your way through a Fitness Test and it’s a mixed bag at best.
She stood you up and ignored you. Instead of leaving the bar by about 10pm and just going home as a natural consequence of her “no call, no show”, you whined at her via text for a bit long. Your actions are telling her she has all the power and control in the relationship.
Leaving the bar would not have been you being an asshole. It’s a natural consequence. If you and I were meeting somewhere and I was “no call, no show”, would you really wait around for me texting and waiting and getting no reply? Probably not. If she was an employee and you her manager, you would have just started calling around and filling her shift and given her a written warning or something. There’s no drama in dealing with this sort of thing; it’s a natural consequence to her behavior.
Of course she came through the door asking if you were mad. That was the whole point of the exercise. She knew you were going to be mad. She wanted to know what you were going to do about it.
The solution in this case would have been to just leave the bar and go home. Turn your phone off.
Once she’s home, explain very clearly that if she ever is “no call, no show” to you again, you’re done with her. Full on boring her down eye contact. If she wants to get into an argument or talk about it, just say there’s nothing to talk about. If she does anything like this again, she’s gone. Acting like you really would dump her would be an action.
I don’t see to much point in wasting time addressing that sort of thing with a girlfriend. It’s not even an anger thing, it’s just unacceptable behavior and you don’t date women who stand you up and don’t call. Girlfriends are replaceable. Consider it a gift when they screen themselves out of your life like this. They didn’t steal your wallet, give you herpes or say the baby is yours when you’re pretty sure the condoms never broke.
Wives have a some more leeway, but I wouldn’t have much patience with this sort of thing. Jennifer once accidentally somehow blocked my number on her cell phone. Let’s just say we got that little mystery addressed within about five hours of my first “ignored” text and then calls. I didn’t yell, but I believe I used the full Captain-from-the-bridge tone of command with her. Communications are down Number One; please report your status.
She was very apologetic and fixed the issue after about fifteen minutes of trying to figure out how to unblock me. After that, I finally I got the information I had needed from her for the last five hours… her panties were pink.


  1. gamingmywife says:

    The only comment I'd make is that there's exactly ONE acceptable circumstance for a no-call, no-show: a true emergency where she fills you in on the details afterward. And I'm talking a real emergency, like emergency room emergency. And even then, it's only acceptable if she explains herself afterward.

    Otherwise, I'd agree 100%.

  2. Anonymous says:

    How about you tell her to make it up to you in the bedroom immediately and tell her "by the way since I had some to time kill I went and bought you a buttplug".

    Watch her jaw drop. :D


  3. Athol Kay says:

    Gamingmywife – Agree. I'm not suggesting dumping someone that had a real reason for not being available. As in really real.

    Fred – Always with the butt plugs… :-)

  4. Great post Athol!

  5. Thag Jones says:

    I can't stand people who do this. The best policy for this is to have a time limit – 20 minutes to half an hour tops if you're feeling generous – and if there's no call no show after that, just go find something else to do and consider it their loss.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I emailed Athol the original question. This answer explains a lot. I forced her to apologize to me and wouldn't let her pull any non-apology tactics girls often employ, e.g., "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of "I'm sorry I acted that way." But even after winning the rational argument, I WAS STILL MAD. I knew I'd flunked a shit test in a major way, and extracting a verbal apology was a feeble attempt to regain hand. No wonder I was pissed. I'm regaining hand bit-by-bit by asserting dominance in the day-to-day stuff, but flunking a big shit test like that really rattled me.

  7. To the original emailer – don't be so hard on yourself, chalk it up to a learning experience.

    I can't speak to your motivations, but in a lot of cases abiding lateness and no-shows is a sequela of putting the pussy on a pedestal, or being so lonely or desperate you'll let the other person calls the shots (it also goes in the other direction with women rolling over for uber-alpha guys).

    And that gets back to our recent discussions about fitness testing versus batshit crazy – only 2% of women are BPD, the remainder are pulling spoiled-princess horseshit because they've been taught they can get away with it.

  8. Athol Kay says:

    One of the other things I said via email is that it is easy to see what to do from outside the situation. But he's all hopped up on dopamine and vasopressin regarding this girl, so it's harder to see what do from that perspective inside the relationship.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Athol – Im sure if you put one of those things on your bed stand, you ll have no problem getting your every which way with your wife as long as you DONT use it. :D


  10. Miles Anderson says:

    The issue of meeting somebody and ultimately having to deal with no shows/issues is a life thing. Not just a girlfriend/wife thing. You have some ranking of time you will wait and responses that you know well ahead of time. CEO of your company and your wife get a fair bit of leeway but they still need credible reasons for their actions. Friends get a fair bit of leeway but don't stay friends long if they don't seem to get this. New girls get very little leeway. The situation also matters. Meeting a bunch of people at a beach is different from a reservation at a nice restaurant or some other time based activity. In any case there should be little emotion. Long before the activity you already know what the appropriate wait time is. As far as waiting for the girl at the bar. What is the stress? You are at a bar. Start chatting up the other pretty young things. If she comes in late she should be uncomfortable. She should know you have options.

  11. Jack Amok says:

    Her: "Hi! Are you mad that I was late?"

    Me: "Depends."

    Her: "On what?"

    Me: "How fast your clothes hit the floor."

    Her (stripping off clothes): "Grrrrrrrr…."

    I'm thinking Fred's idea might have some merit.

    For about the last year, I've assumed every shit test from her was a request for sex, and responded accordingly. It was awkward at first, felt odd and inside I was nervous as all hell, but… It's really amazing how well that little assumption has worked. It's only worked out negative once, and even then she was kinda excited about it afterwards. "All you think about is sex, even when I've got a real problem" she said later that night. "How am I supposed of think of anything else when you're standing there?" was the reply that ended the argument. Far better than apologizing and promising not to do it again, which would have just prolonged it.

    Maybe I'm developing too much asshole game, but I'm at the point where I think there are only two ways for a man to end an argument with a woman – either inject semen into her, or end the relationship. Everything else is just a cease fire at best.

  12. When you having feelings or want sex with someone it's easy to get caught up in giving them a pass with stuff like this. Especially if they make a halfway decent excuse and give you some glimmer of hope by saying they'll make up with you. If you allow her to have that kind of power you can easily find yourself in that cycle. Gotta look at is as a "person" and not from the state of mind she has you in.

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