2011 March | Married Man Sex Life

Review Copies And Cover Art

March 14, 2011 By Athol Kay 26 Comments

Well I pushed the print button. Now I have to wait for another 48 hours to see if everything was submitted perfectly and the copies can start churning off the presses. It’s an odd feeling, like I sat some sort of final exam and now I have to wait for the results to see if I passed.

I thought I would feel like running crazily through the streets. I’m, ah… doing a good deal of sitting.

It’s funny how much of the book is about us, even though I’m not really trying to make it that way. I’ve always been in love with that photo and it just worked out nicely for the cover. I have no idea what I had said to her, but I was clearly instigating as she’s making the half poked out tongue and wrinkled nose face at me. It’s our whole relationship at a glance.

So anyway…. waiting waiting… and yes I will be sure to have ways to buy the book posted everywhere just as soon it is done. I am eager to take your money.

There’s still room in the budget for more review copies for bloggers and whatnot. Drop me a line at Athol(dot)Kay@ Gmail(dot)com.

I’m deeply appreciative of how so many people have encouraged me to write and finish the book. Life is good.

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Almost Done With The Book

March 12, 2011 By Athol Kay 5 Comments

Anonymous said…

three days no new posts! D:

March 11, 2011 12:20 PM

Yeah I know. I’ve been flat out crazy trying to finish the book and just getting into marathon editing and typesetting runs. It’s been both awful and wonderful at the same time. I’ve spent so long on it with a Word document for each chapter, to finally see it in one document is great. It looked mundane for a long time and it was only when I finally got the page numbering and page headers together that it suddenly transformed into “holy crap this is an actual book” and I’ve been nutty to be done ever since.

But it still wasn’t right… somehow…

So if you heard some sort of primal howl this morning, that was Jennifer reacting to me announcing that I’d just figured out I had missed an entire chapter idea and had to write it and add it.

Okay so that was a little bit of a lie. The primal howl was my internal monologue as the lightning struck the noggin and Jennifer just started laughing at me and shaking her head. It’s a really important chapter and I have to add it. Really. I do. Have to. Must add it. It’s so perfect and vital. As obvious as the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle. I’ve had a lot of coffee recently.

So whatever I have by the end of the weekend is it. I’m just pushing play on the Createspace.com stuff and whatever I got done will be it. After that, it’s however long the Createspace.com wheels take to turn to get it on Amazon.com. About two weeks I think. Hopefully the title of the book isn’t going to be called “Cover Goes Here.”

I will say this though – originally I thought I could just scoop up all the blog posts and ram them into a book format and be done with it. There is an element of that to be sure, and you will all recognize key ideas and some of the original posts fairly intact, but it’s just so much clearer than anything you could hope to pull from reading the blog. There’s a system and structure that a blog could never have. There are also a number of areas that I’ve never touched on and everything is worked over to be just a little tighter. It’s really not just the blog in book form, it’s a distinct step up.

I’m both proud of it and feel deeply peaceful. I know that I’m going to write a ton more books in my life, but this one will always be “The Book” that I’m known for. It’s something you can recommend to your friends and feel good about doing so.

So anyway… if you haven’t already tapped me as a friend on Facebook, and are willing to politely spam your friends how wonderful the book is once you read it, please do.

Also for those with blogs or access to other media, ping me an email at Athol(dot)Kay@Gmail(dot)com with your blog + shipping address for a review copy of it. Not sure how many freebies I’ll do, so first come first served.

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

You Can’t Debate Her Into Wanting You

March 12, 2011 By Athol Kay 8 Comments

Pussy doesn’t respond to rational arguments.

Oh you can probably force an issue and verbally maneuver her into having sex with you.

You just can’t debate her into wanting sex with you.

Women respond to actions and not talk.

I mean when did your cock ever get hard because she out debated you over something?

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Sexy Moves

No Call, No Show = Natural Consequences

March 12, 2011 By Athol Kay 12 Comments

Had a reader ask me about his reaction to being basically stood up by his girlfriend, and then having her come waltzing through the door like nothing was wrong and innocently asking if he was mad. He essentially explained fairly firmly that she was being rude to him and she did ultimately apologize, but then the sex afterwards was clearly just tolerated on her part, so somehow… he lost anyway… Here’s my slightly more fleshed out reply.

Hi there,

Actually you didn’t pick a fight here, you basically tried to talk your way through a Fitness Test and it’s a mixed bag at best.

She stood you up and ignored you. Instead of leaving the bar by about 10pm and just going home as a natural consequence of her “no call, no show”, you whined at her via text for a bit long. Your actions are telling her she has all the power and control in the relationship.

Leaving the bar would not have been you being an asshole. It’s a natural consequence. If you and I were meeting somewhere and I was “no call, no show”, would you really wait around for me texting and waiting and getting no reply? Probably not. If she was an employee and you her manager, you would have just started calling around and filling her shift and given her a written warning or something. There’s no drama in dealing with this sort of thing; it’s a natural consequence to her behavior.

Of course she came through the door asking if you were mad. That was the whole point of the exercise. She knew you were going to be mad. She wanted to know what you were going to do about it.

The solution in this case would have been to just leave the bar and go home. Turn your phone off.

Once she’s home, explain very clearly that if she ever is “no call, no show” to you again, you’re done with her. Full on boring her down eye contact. If she wants to get into an argument or talk about it, just say there’s nothing to talk about. If she does anything like this again, she’s gone. Acting like you really would dump her would be an action.

I don’t see to much point in wasting time addressing that sort of thing with a girlfriend. It’s not even an anger thing, it’s just unacceptable behavior and you don’t date women who stand you up and don’t call. Girlfriends are replaceable. Consider it a gift when they screen themselves out of your life like this. They didn’t steal your wallet, give you herpes or say the baby is yours when you’re pretty sure the condoms never broke.

Wives have a some more leeway, but I wouldn’t have much patience with this sort of thing. Jennifer once accidentally somehow blocked my number on her cell phone. Let’s just say we got that little mystery addressed within about five hours of my first “ignored” text and then calls. I didn’t yell, but I believe I used the full Captain-from-the-bridge tone of command with her. Communications are down Number One; please report your status.

She was very apologetic and fixed the issue after about fifteen minutes of trying to figure out how to unblock me. After that, I finally I got the information I had needed from her for the last five hours… her panties were pink.

Filed Under: Nice Guys and Betaization

Red Pill Hope

March 9, 2011 By Athol Kay 9 Comments

I get a lot of email, and most of it falls into three basic groups.

The first is some kind of ongoing marital drama that heads toward a positive resolution over time. I love posting those as reader stories to encourage people and validate my all purpose viewpoint and personal awesomeness. Some of these stories go on for months.

The second group are those that are breakdowns. Where things are tried and often I’m forced to point out a huge red flag that basically shows the relationship is untenable and unfixable. Sometimes those issues leak out in posts, but I rarely post a reader story of a break up as it goes down. Kinda cruel. Others… simply find me too late and the wheels are already in motion of the divorce machine. Bleh.

I also get a handful of emails from guys basically saying, “OMG I was going to make a huge mistake, thank you so much about warning me about X or Y. Now I know that I’m really looking for Z.” I do like these as I think who you marry is probably the single greatest choice about how you define your life for the future. So a bad choice avoided is a huge win in my book.

Today, I got what I hope is my first story of a new topic group…

I got wedding photos.

The person in question has posted across a number of blogs and is fairly iidentifiable, so I don’t feel comfortable saying the name. Essentially though he’s been questioning the worth and value of getting married for about a year now. It’s been a long process and we’ve emailed a number of times. He got engaged a few months back and has been doing a lot of what I say with his fiance and liked the results.

Can bad things happen to you as a man if you marry? Absolutely. Very bad things indeed. But getting married isn’t like being sentenced to Death Row either. With skill, confidence and strength, a lifetime of happiness with the right woman isn’t impossible… it may even be likely.

So reading this blog (and others) has made my friend smarter, more confident and stronger about getting into a marriage. I’ve looked at the photos several times today. He did ask me not to post them – he would be instantly identified – but I’m so overjoyed to see them. It’s one of my proudest moments since I started writing. I wish them both the very best together.

Embers of love may burst back into flame.

Survive what you must.

Choose wisely or not at all.

Face the future with reasonable hope.

All the Red Pill does is give you knowledge. You can choose to be made strong or fearful for taking it.

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Batshit Crazy: With a Hammer

March 8, 2011 By Athol Kay 13 Comments

Badger emailed me a link that Dr Tara J. Palmatier over at Shrink for Men has a great post up about Borderline Personality Disorder. Mostly it consists of a set of home videos where the husband is defensively video taping her behavior.

Now some the videos seem like it could go either way – maybe he’s pissing off a normal women by taping her and helping cause some of anger and hostility. Maybe she’s right, maybe he is the problem. But then towards the end of the second video (6:45 mark), knowing she is being video taped, she starts swinging at him with a hammer. All in front of their little girl too. Congratulations honey, you’re batshit crazy.

There is no happy ending to this story. The husband’s lawyer never got the 12 videos entered in the family court case, so the wife got full custody of the kids. She also started an affair with a family friend, that marriage broke up and she married her affair partner. Cold.

This situation has already played out ten years ago and I don’t mean to rub the Greg’s nose in it, but having looked at everything, I think he made one basic mistake. He tried to cope with the situation alone.

As I said back on the first Batshit Crazy post:

“The only really effective way of dealing with someone that is really batshit crazy is some combination of: leaving the relationship, finding an effective medication regime and using emergency services as is appropriate. Should they become violent or engage in property destruction, call 911. Even batshit crazy people understand tazers.”

If you’re faced with living with someone that is batshit crazy, you are still going to feel that you should be able to cope with a single woman inside your own home. You’re meant to be able to just “man up”, or be Alpha, or something right? Nope. When batshit crazy runs at you with a hammer in her hand, it’s over. The situation is totally unsafe and you are simply salvaging what you can from the wreckage of the relationship. You have to actively start planning to end it and your goals in order of priority should be:

1. Your physical safety.

2. Avoid being setup for jail. (She will try this.)

3. Getting custody of the children.

4. Getting to keep possession of the house.

5. Anything else.

Nanny cams are a great starting place; just don’t go it alone.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity

Mirena IUD Side Effects Ended Sex Life?

March 5, 2011 By Athol Kay 34 Comments

I’ve had a reasonably long email back and forth with a reader. The key points being:

They are both physically healthy and he works out.

He’s been doing the Alpha Beta thing and it all seems fine on the that front.

There was a prior sexual assault of some sort in her history before him. She says this is why she doesn’t want sex sometimes.

She gets wound up by stress. Money-job-her mom issues.

The sex was really good up until their son was born five years ago. Both frequent and exciting.

After the son was born she got a Mirena IUD.

They have only had sex 30 times in the last five years.

They had a night out drinking together recently and the sex was amazing.

Spock: “An ancestor of mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

So we have a puzzle my friends, a puzzle.

It sounds like you are all good on the fitness and Alpha / Beta fronts. Just keep doing what you have been doing.

I think the prior sexual assault is just being used as an excuse – she’s clearly had an excellent sex life with you at some point, so if the assault didn’t matter then, why should it matter now? I don’t mean to stay that it wasn’t traumatic for her, just that it’s just being used as a red herring to justify why she isn’t having sex with you now. If she’s still having an issue with it, she needs to address that in counseling or something, rather than not ever have sex with you.

The money / school / mom issues, are all just general life stress. Stress may reduce sexual frequency, but it doesn’t stop it completely overnight for years on end. So we can discount stress as the primary cause of the issue. You can try a few drinks on the weekend to unwind, but a bodywork approach may be more helpful. She needs to make exercise a priority and you could also massage her. Basically get her out of her head and into her body more. She’d probably feel less stressed if she actually let herself get laid properly - but that’s all a chicken or the egg thing.

All that leaves are the two big changes that happened around the time your sex life ended which were, (1) the birth of your son and (2) going on the Mirena. Obviously we can’t trial the removal of your son to see if that has an effect (!), so I think you have to trial the removal of the Mirena.

Mirena is flagged as causing a loss of libido as “common” on a number of websites. eMedTV pg3 and Drugs.com. Plus hormonal birth control can change the type of man that she is attracted to through the alterations in her sense of smell for finding genetically matched partners. So prior to the hormones, you = smell sexy… but on the hormones, you = smell unsexy. So her libido could in theory still be reasonably active, she’s just not turned on by you so much because of the hormonal birth control. There’s a 5% chance of lowered libido with Mirena as the FDA warning letter to Bayer states.

The Mirena lasts for five years anyway, so she’s about due to have it removed. You could try a copper IUD if she still likes an IUD as an option, though 30 instances of sex for one medical procedure is a bit of crappy cost/benefit outcome. You might almost be better off without hormonal birth control and trying condoms for six months and then see how things stand. (I am very much against vasectomy by the way, not a good option for you.)

Start with the Mirena as the key problem for now. It seems to fit the data and it’s the only thing you can test for. I’m not saying Mirena needs to be yanked from the market or anything like that, but if she’s in the 5% that get their libido turned off, obviously she’s got to get it out of her body. You have to be very firm with having that addressed, because if it is the cause of all this and she puts another one in…

…it’s five more years like the last.

Filed Under: Sexual Health Issues

She Cannae Take Anymore Captain, She’s Going to Blow!

March 5, 2011 By Athol Kay 2 Comments

I just wanted a post with that title. It reminded me of something that happened Tuesday night.

I’ve been off work and hammering out the final editing all week and it’s amazing how much better I actually think once I’m away from the grind. I’ve always hated the introduction chapter I wrote months back, but I had no idea of how to fix it. Today I tossed it completely and started to write a totally new introduction.

Around the fourth hour of writing it I went into a flow state and it’s not just good, it’s possibly the best thing I have written for the entire project. I do learn things as I research and write usually, but this one section had an exquisite breakthrough on a key point that is pure genius. I finally get it.

Before that though, I wrote the acknowledgements and gratitude pages. I miss my Dad still. I put the book on hold and went to see him before he died, and it was the right thing to do, but he’ll never get to see it which blows.

Jennifer has been beyond wonderful this last week as well. I’ve been running on about four hours sleep a day as I plow through. I know I am the front man for this gig, but I can’t be married without her either, so none of this happens without her. I’m exhausted beyond all reason and the book is eating my life. If I’m Frodo, she’s Sam, and she’s been carrying me some of the way.

This morning I had my first deja vu experience in years and this afternoon I got a static electric shock off a light switch that had a clear 2-3 inch arc to my hand. I do get a lot of static shocks – Jennifer and the girls always tap me on the cheek before kissing me – but that one was insane. The computer monitor went black for a second after the shock.

Yesterday I had an utterly brilliant idea for a second blogsite and books. Nothing I can do about it right this minute, but ya’ll are gonna love it. Perfect complement to MMSL and one of those blindingly simple ideas that make you groan that you never thought of it before. (And no I’m not telling what it is until it’s up and running!) It came to me in a great surge after writing The Highlight Reel Isn’t Magic Also one of the things I said in that post – which was extremely raw and like tearing flesh to write – was that “I am the lightning, but she is the earth.”

So I guess all I’m saying is there’s been an awful lot of the Lightning in the last two days. I’m so alive and so glad for this time in my life. And oh dear god the horniness. Thankfully Jennifer is always around to keep me, ah… grounded.

Unrelated…

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Reader Story: Discovered Game Just in Time

March 3, 2011 By Athol Kay 15 Comments

Athol, Thank you.

I left a comment on your site some months back, on a post about “When do you leave her?” or something like that. I was going to update there “for the record” but cannot find it now. If you know what I’m talking about and send me the link I can still do so.

I rediscovered the existence of game and discovered your site last summer, and not a moment too soon. My marriage was really on the rocks, for a host of reasons – some of them my fault, and some of them just because life is the way it is. Whether my fault or not though, the problems were there and this time in 2009 I wouldn’t have had the skills to handle them nearly as well as I’ve done the last some months. I really feel in control of the direction of my marriage now, and things have been improving steadily enough that I can say I’m out of the woods. Now just improvement and maintenance stand before me. (And not falling back into bad habits)

Last October my wife and I were barely speaking to each other for days at a time. These days she spontaneously belts out “I love you” and “I love my family.” Before she didn’t cook, now, well, she still doesn’t always have dinner ready when I’m home from work but she at least apologizes when it happens. (My approval has been something she didn’t give a shit about six months ago to something she is constantly seeking confirmation of now, even in little things) She’s even started exercising, and boy does she need to.

I don’t need to tell you of course that I haven’t (and couldn’t have) pushed her into any of this. I’ve lead her here by being the man I’ve always potentially been but never fully realized before. I’ve started exercising myself. I’ve gotten back in touch with my masculine anger and express it with a glance or slightly lowered brow. I have created standards, and I judge when they’re not met. I’m teasing and funny without ever being nice. I’m a good father to my son and use tools around the house.

Sex is still not great, but that’s mostly because our son (18 months) is still the worst. sleeper. ever. and the wife is tired frequently. But we have gone from incredibly infrequent to at least once a week, so big improvement even if there’s still room for much more.

I consider you and Roissy to be my most important teachers in this arena, most directly responsible for my success. Roissy certainly isn’t a family man, but he knows how to Alpha – and I needed it, big time. Just adding a little Alpha would not have done the trick, considering how close to divorce I probably was last September. I needed to apply nuclear-powered Alpha, to really shock the status quo and force a system reset. It worked too. Only now is MMSL “calibration” the watchword.

So thanks. I love my wife, but even more I swore my son would never, ever have to wonder who and where his father was like I did. And it almost happened anyway. I can’t tell you in words how important it is to me that I won’t have to break that promise. It would have destroyed me to do so. You’ve saved us both.

Hi there G,

I’m exhausted today and mentally dead just wishing for a post to come to me… I’m going to post this stripped of your name, though if you want it added let me know. And you are quite welcome. I am so glad that you have both found a way together.

As a suggestion from our own baby days… ask for some “below average” sex with her. Not everything has to make the highlight reel. Love can be made five minutes at a time. Even true love.

And thank you for your email. I needed this just now.

Filed Under: The Male Action Plan (MAP)