Read, Think, Stay

Cameron said…
Athol- the readers pretty much trashed you in the comment section but you have to admit some of their comments were rather funny. Instead of dismissing their comments (or getting upset over them) why not take them as constructive criticism? Several readers noted that inspite of your wife’s open legs policy, you still cheated on her with your emotional affairs(one of which lasted an entire year); therefore your relationship advice is easily rejected. Actually, these readers are raising a legitimate point; frequent sex doesn’t necessarily compensate for other problems in the relationship and it doesn’t stop your partner from cheating. Apparently, nightly sex didn’t prevent you from seeking emotional satisfaction from other women; perhaps you should have been more concerned with your emotional(rather than sexual) bond with Jennifer. Btw, that would probably make an interesting post (subtle hint).

Also, the term “doormat” was used to describe Jennifer. I have to admit that one thing I dislike about your blog is that you sometimes do make your wife sound like a real pushover. Of course, I don’t know if this is really true or if you just tend to exaggerate her easygoing nature. Does she ever get really angry or short-tempered with you? How does she express it? I think the problem I have with your description of your wife is that she does not come across as a real person; she seems too Stepford Wife-ish.
I have covered all of this before in earlier posts but not in a connect-the-dots kind of way. If you’re new to the blog via the Daily Mail… I probably look like a jerk.
One of the critical underpinnings of my approach to sexual understanding is the work of Dr. Helen Fisher. I make explicit mention of this in the Acknowledgments page of the book. I’ve written two posts on her work here. There’s a lot of good stuff there and do watch the video of her. It’s excellent.
However, the 10 second summary of her work is that there are three separate body systems at work when it comes to love and sex.
In Love = Dopamine based excitement / OCD like mental obsession on person of desire. (This is why SSRIs can kill off romance and interest in sex btw) The addition of Game understanding is that Alpha Traits compliment this process.
Pair Bond = Oxytocin / Vasopressin (female/male) based emotional bonding and closeness. The addition of Game understanding is the Beta Traits compliment this process.
Sexual Drive = Testosterone based all purpose generic horniness towards the opposite sex. Physical fitness compliments this process.
You can have all three systems functioning for a single opposite sex person, or experience one system responding to one person and another to someone else. It’s critical to understand that they can work in unison, but they are separate biological functions at work. Kind of like you have hot and cold water taps in a sink, you can have either tap turned on, both or neither. They can work in unison, but they are separate plumbing functions at work.
So on one level when someone says “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, they are actually saying “I oxytocin you, but I don’t dopamine you.”
So what does that mean for me personally?
Well I have a very high sex drive. Let’s not kid anyone here, if the girl in the red dress walks by, I look. I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter who she is or if I even know her… I’ll look. I can have no expectations, intent or relationship with her. Just baseline testosterone turns my head. My baseline horniness drives my sex drive with Jennifer… as far as testosterone is concerned, she’s a warm, willing and promixal vagina. Giggity.
I have a very high frequency sex life with Jennifer, she touches me physically a lot, I’ve watched her give birth twice and we have been together as a married couple for sixteen and a half years. That all equals vasopressin, vasopressin, vasopressin and yet more vasopressin. So I am truly and deeply pair bonded to her. I love her with my whole heart endocrine production of vasopressin. Make no mistake on this point though, I do love her.
So Jennifer gets two really big check marks for holding my relationship interest. I’m into her from a testosterone and vasopressin standpoint. But the dopamine… well here’s where it gets awkward.
When I first met her… yes, oh my God yes, totally head over heels in love with her. But that was twenty years ago and since then I’ve said that those feelings of being in love and crushing on her come and go. (Read those Dr.Fisher posts linked above)
Now dopamine is related to a need for stimulation, and I am a very intense person with a need for high stimulation, and Jennifer is a much calmer lower stimulation person. So in terms of holding my romantic interest, Jennifer is just too low key for me. She really likes reading books and taking a nap on the couch for example. For sure all the sex is great, but she gives it up so easily that it’s not exactly a dopamine engaging challenge.
That short fall of dopamine has been a marriage long issue for me to handle. It’s not simply that I’ve had two serious emotional connections to other women, but I’ve more truthfully had crushes of some degree on nearly every single woman I know at some point in time. I did crush on Jennifer on and off the whole time we’ve been married, but in all seriousiness, I crush everywhere on everyone all the time. It’s really quite annoying to be honest.
My first true emotional affair I only realized in retrospect. It was about ten years ago and the line between friendship and something more happened when we started meeting for breakfast once a week. I would have said then that “we’re just friends” and all the typical Rationalization Hamster bullshit; they were dates. After about 4-5 weeks of this, she basically stopped the relationship and I think that’s simply because she decided I was never going to make a proper move on her because I loved (vasopressin) Jennifer.
Jennifer knew about that relationship, but never did anything about it. It hurt her, she was scared of losing me, but ultimately she was a doormat about it. If she had told me to knock it off I would have instantly stopped.
A few years back I met another woman that I had an instant attraction to. One of those out of left field this-is-your-soulmate crushes. I was overwhelmed with dopamine for her, all the while being firmly attached with vasopressin to Jennifer. I was terribly confused by these emotional poles. I would be at home feeling perfectly comfortable and relaxed with Jennifer, but plagued by thoughts of the other woman. I would try and steel myself against not being affected by her, but the steel would turn to jello on seeing her, talking to her or emailing. Attraction is not controllable.
So I had a simple choice to make, (1) go the “Eat, Pray, Love” route, and make a serious transition move for her and screw over Jennifer and the kids in the aftermath. Or (2) “Read, Think, Stay”, and figure out how to sort this mess out and not screw over my wife who fairly objectively was doing right by me. Good sex is after all good sex.
It took about three months to come to my final decision and as I’ve repeatedly said, the Talk About Marriage forum is a place that greatly helped with that decision. I knew after reading hundreds of stories of cheated on spouses, that I could not do that to Jennifer. Once again, Jennifer was too passive in dealing with my attraction issue. If she had chewed my head off about it and expressed how hurt she was, I would have broken away much quicker. It took over a year for the feelings for the other woman to resolve after my decision to work things with Jennifer.
It was also at the forum that I started discovering applying Game to marriage issues was unusually successful. My problem was that I didn’t know why they worked and I was endlessly repeating myself on the forum to new people, so I needed a way to make my advice more permanent that as answers in a forum thread. I also started reading dozens of books all around the subject matter of sexuality and thought long and hard.
The result of all that study, personal mistakes, experience and determination to find a practical workable solution, is the blog and the book. It’s a cross-fertilization of biology, behavior modification, pick-up artistry, Talk About Marriage and my nursing experience. If it works I added it, if it didn’t I dropped it.
So back to Jennifer and myself…
Marriage is along journey and we had now learned that we had a critical flaw in our otherwise harmonious marriage. I was a high-stimulation husband, she was a lower-stimulation wife. Without addressing that issue I was eventually going to get a dopamine fix from someone else at some random point in the future.We had no less than three serious verbal disagreements about finding solutions to that before Jennifer started responding to what I was asking of her.
Our practical solution was that Jennifer consciously started paying attention to higher-stimulation sex with me. I’m better about asking for it when I realize I’m becoming wound up or bored too. Another major tool in balancing us is my writing and effort on the blog. It’s an exciting, fun, stimulating experience for me. I get dopamine from writing something good, or seeing a lot of hits, and I now hit refresh on the book sales web pages like a rat hitting the food pellet lever in a science experiment. You don’t have to get it all from sex.
Jennifer for her part has learned a great deal about sexuality and relationships over the blog years. I doubt she would ever let me get away with obvious interest in another woman like she did before. She would probably keylogger me, gather evidence, expose and offer Plan A or Plan B just like I suggest in Chapter 27. I’ve also quite consciously painted myself into a corner by writing from a pro-marriage and monogamy perspective. If I cheat on her, my career as a writer is over.
In terms of Jennifer being written about as a total Stepford Wife / Doormat. This is probably unavoidable to some extent. I’m far more comfortable writing about my own shortcomings, than about hers. If I write about hers, it will just come across as bullying/smearing/insulting/demeaning, plus Google is forever and a few angry sentences are searchable for all time. Also she is by nature low-stimulation and gains enjoyment from being submissive to me. So she really doesn’t act badly all that much at all. But as you can see, that was part of the problem for us… it’s not a feature, it’s a bug.

What Really Happened With The Daily Mail Interview (And How They Got It Wrong)

For those that want some backstory…
The Daily Mail article “interviewing me” was originally posted before I was interviewed. They asked me if I would like to be interviewed, I said yes… and then they slapped up bits and pieces of the PopCrunch interview, scraped mine and Jennifer’s Facebook for photos including my children and published it. You can still see the Facebook tags on the photos. The article was basically a headline and garbage. The comments immediately started tearing me apart.
In retrospect, I don’t think they ever intended to actually interview me directly, but I did complain about the pictures of my children posted online without consent. By which I mean I very politely asked the Daily Mail to remove them and sympathized that the reporter had to work with deadlines. I got a very positive response from her and the photo with my children was immediately removed. I sent a copy of the book and they hunted through that for odds and ends and scraped the blog for more goodies. After that a second version of the article came out and the two posts Jennifer wrote were heavily sourced.
About four hours after that, I was actually interviewed!
I had a fairly decent conversation with the Daily Mail reporter and she was both sympathetic and interested. I think we talked for fifteen to twenty minutes and I managed to hash out a few of my key points and generally impress her that I wasn’t a nutball.
After that, the article was reworked heavily again and republished. Now there’s quotes in the article that I said in an actual interview. It’s not quite as perfect and clear as I would love it to be, but it’s not all that bad at all. I’ve started to quite like it I think and I am obviously quite pleased with the extra media attention and extra visitors to the blog.
The one niggle from the interview is that the timeline of the emotional affairs I’ve mentioned is quite unclear and no reasons stated for them either. I was never asked about those. They are extremely good questions though and I’ll explain them all in the next post. They were extremely difficult times for both of us and to be perfectly blunt, deeply private matters. We share a great deal of personal information  and typically with dealing with affairs you don’t endlessly rehash them or the healing never takes place. It’s usually not recommended that you let the tabloids know about them…
Jennifer and I are a real life couple.  Facing challenges to your relationship and beating them isn’t weakness, it’s strength. We’ve overcome many things together: severe illness, fragile pregnancy, miscarriage, distance, money issues, mismatched sex drives, opposite work schedules, a failed career attempt and… me starting to connect to someone else. Through all that, as long as we were physically able, we’ve continued to go to bed together and be sexual with each other each day. It’s a large part of what has kept us together as a couple.
Sex together 5000 times doesn’t matter. It’s just a big number. It’s not the real story. The real story is that we are still together, still happy, still laughing with each other, still holding hands when we walk and still believing we made the right choice sixteen and a half years ago. Our sex life is the explanation of how our story was possible. Sex is our glue. 
Maybe it’s yours too.

First Radio Interview…

Good News!

I got my first radio interview. 700WLW out of Cincinnati.

Bad News!

It was these guys.

The interview went about as well as you would expect…

Apparently I Timed My Book On Marriage With A Royal Wedding…

I’ve had a little extra British media attention today.
My friend Micah interviewed me on PopCrunch. It’s question and answer format. He wrote the questions, I wrote the answers.
The PopCrunch interview was picked up by The Daily Mail Online. It’s somewhat er… sound bitey and thankfully they removed my kids photos from the article when I asked. And the updates with Jennifer actually saying she likes having sex with me were nice too.
After that one hit the electronic presses…. 
…wow.
If you are visiting from Britain and want the book, there is no print version in Britain – you would have to order it from Amazon in America and cry buckets over the shipping.
You can also get the PDF version at Lulu.com 
Thanks for visiting!

Reader Story: Six Years Fixed in Six Days

Athol,
I just wanted to let you in on my experience.
This past Friday, after feeling particularly resentful over my wife’s lack of sex drive or intimacy, something happened that finally caused me to snap. A full on argument ensued, and a lot of fury from both sides got unleashed. The parting shot from my ship was me unwittingly telling her that I was ‘this close to quitting’. That ended the, uh, ‘conversation’ rather abruptly. She stormed to the bedroom as I was left to ponder just what I really meant by that.
Our seventeen year marriage is a good one in most aspects. We get along, we’re both independent enough, and up until about six years ago the sex was great. And like a majority of the stories you surely see, it just kind of faded out to a trickle. It didn’t take long before the anger and resentment kicked in, which of course led to the aforementioned argument. Trouble was, I really wasn’t eager to back up my last statement and quit my wife just yet. Still feeling just a bit angry, and perhaps thinking a bit unconventionally because of it, I turned to Google and found the ‘Man up and Nice Guy thread’ on Talk About Marriage.
A lot of stuff there made sense and then I found the link to your blog. Between these to sites, it was like a secret vault of lost man knowledge had been discovered! I spent the next several hours reading, absorbing, and kicking myself for not knowing this stuff earlier.
Feeling empowered (and having the attitude that goes with it), I went back into the bedroom to find my wife still awake watching the television. I grabbed a washcloth, tossed it on the bed, turned off the TV, stripped down, and jumped into bed. She watched all of it intently. As she opened her mouth to speak, I put a single finger across her lips, gave her ‘that look’ and then proceeded to make out with her like we were on our honeymoon again. I won’t say that she became putty in my hands, but she was pliant enough that it wasn’t long before she was naked and I was getting some with her arms wrapped around me moaning in my ear for the first time in six weeks.
The next morning, I ordered your book.
Fast forward to Wednesday night. Carrying that new found knowledge, and following your rule of ‘in her or on her’, and still yet to read your book, I’ve had action from my wife four out of the past six nights. This is in contrast to an encounter every two or three weeks at best.
I’ve got to say, if I can get such a turn around in only six days after six years of frustration by only tweaking my attitude just a tiny bit, I can only imagine what’s going to happen once I get a chance to read the book and really understand what I need to do.
With sincere gratitude,
“T”
 

Reader Story: Her Parents Don’t Care What You Do As Long As You’re Alpha

Athol,
I can’t thank you enough for your blog, it has truly changed my life.
Four years ago I started dating a girl. She was a vegetarian and a feminist. One thing led to another, and I spent the entire relationship accommodating her bullshit. I stopped eating meat, stopped seeing friends she didn’t like, etc. because I was in “love”. Eventually, I popped the question and she said yes just long enough to take the ring, leave her four cats with me, and leave the state for work. I figured that we could certainly make the long distance relationship work. I was wrong. She would deign to answer my calls about once a week, could almost never travel to see me, and when she did she would occasionally kiss me, but refuse all other intimate contact. I put up with that for 8 months before the relationship ended. I was about as beta as one could get. Thinking about the entire relationship still fills me shame.
After the breakup I made some changes in my life. I dropped 50lbs. I started kicking ass in school. I was doing well, adding more alpha without knowing what I was doing, and then I discovered your blog. Suddenly everything made sense. I could see just how broken the relationship had been from the start. I knew the mistakes I had made, and I knew what I could do differently. I became more assertive, cleaned up the way I dressed and groomed myself. I kept adding alpha. I met a wonderful girl, way hotter then the ex, and applied everything I had learned from you to this new relationship. It could not be going better. It really is the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted and it would not exist without your blog. Thank you.
I also wanted to share a story with you from last weekend.
I spent Easter in Minnesota with my girlfriend’s family. When I arrived I was told that I would staying in her sister’s room thanks to the larger bed, and that she would be sleeping in her room. I was also told that her sister, who is engaged, has never shared a room with her fiance at their parent’s home. I told my girl that that was fine, and I respected her parents wishes, but that not sharing a bed with her on this vacation was unacceptable and that I’d be getting a hotel room for the weekend. Before I could thank her parents for their hospitality and call a local hotel my girl asked to speak with them first. Next thing I know we are sharing her sisters bed. We spent the rest of the weekend going at it like rabbits and the sister’s fiance still slept on the couch.
I sent him your way.
I forwarded him a copy of The Primer for the fiance. I’m sure sleeping on the couch was a horrible thing to put himself through, but as red pill moments go, it’s not that bad. But if you are a fiance sleeping on the couch against your will, you are a lamb for the marriage slaughter. Please read the damn book. Anyone can do this.
 

Dragon Breath, Farting, Pooping and Post-Coital Drippage

Hey Athol,

…and what about post-coital dripping, I’m not sure if you talked about that already, I’ve read about using baby wipes. I’m a man so this would not directly deal with me, but still wanted to know.

I was also curious how you deal with dragon breath in case you (or she) wants to cuddle in the morning after waking up. I guess the best way would be to cuddle with your mouth closed.

Also, what about farting, any way to limit it or find ways to not make it smell so much? I know it has to do a lot with diet, but seriously, breakfast = eggs and all that.

Along the same lines, what about crapping in the bathroom and the spouse needing to go right after?

I think most couples stop caring about these things and consider it small stuff, but I also think making an effort in these aspects is still making some effort nonetheless.

Hi there,

Half of all babies are girls, so it’s okay to use baby wipes externally around the vagina. However some women’s skin will react badly and it’s not ideal for spreading their labia and wiping anywhere inside if she reacts to the soap/chemicals on the wipes. If she’s at all chaffed from the sex it will also sting like hell.
Jennifer uses a couple of soft wash cloths for the drippage issue. Just regular square wash clothes like from Bed Bath and Beyond or where ever. Apart from that, I can’t think of anything… I cause that problem anyway, so my work is done. She just goes to the bathroom and does something. Seriously I’ve never paid attention.

As a warning through, if you are setting up a bachelor pad, just go for a box of Kleenex somewhere in the bedroom. No woman is going to shove a random washcloth into her crotch.

Dragon Breath is dealt with by getting up out of bed, brushing your teeth, peeing, and then climbing back into bed and snuggling. You can encourage her to do the same, and see if you can turn the snuggling into something… more.

If you know it’s coming, farting in the bathroom is the best place. I just don’t bother hiding it, we have an en suite bathroom so it’s pretty clear what I’m doing. I break wind like an Alpha, but with the courtesy of a Beta. Always seek the balance.
If you’re taking a huge dump in the bathroom, the proper technique is a courtesy flush. I.e. if you go WHUMP! into the toilet bowl, but Gnnnnnrrrrr plop plop plop is still left inside you, flush the toilet after the WHUMP! and then start work on the rest of it. The real problem isn’t smells in the bathroom though, it’s walking around with a less than perfectly wiped ass. We have a box of baby wipes in our bathroom and a “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t photograph” policy.
Otherwise the proper approach is simply not care and laugh about it…
“I warmed up the seat for you.”
“What have you been feeding me?”
“I don’t remember eating that.”

In the end though, having sex and living together is always going to have an element of gross attached to it. Sex is dirty with sweat, saliva, semen and other stuff spreading around and splattering. We have bodies and all sorts of weird stuff periodically blows it’s way out of them. Heck I’ve watched my wife give birth twice, and I can assure you that trumps anything I’ve seen her do in a bedroom or bathroom.You just have to have a sense of humor about it all when it happens and enjoy the moment as much as possible.

And then happily get to work cleaning it all up and making everything smell fresh and look clean.
So maybe I’m just jaded to bodily fluids because I’m a nurse.
Okay so there was this one time…
In nursing school…
I was in the Operating Room…
Just watching at the back…
And I got hit in the face…
With someone’s knee…
Well not the whole knee…
Just a little tiny piece of it.
Anything else?  I’ve got no sense of shame and Internet access. Bring. It. On.

Fireproof

Email…
I’m wondering if you ever saw the movie “Fireproof.” It’s a movie made by a bunch of Evangelicals about a man who is losing his wife and the steps he takes to get her back. It would be interesting to read your take on his procedure.
I haven’t seen Fireproof – I’ve heard of it, just not seen it. Based on the trailer and the Love Dare, it’s essentially saying in my terminology “add Beta”.
If the problem is a lack of Beta, it will fix the problem. No really, it will. If he’s basically ignoring her and paying zero attention to her, it really will fix the problem.
However…
If the problem is the husband has not enough Alpha, then he’s just going to screw it up even faster by piling on the Beta.
It’s really revealing that they made the main character a manly man heroic firefighter, so he has all that Alpha stuff in place anyway and doesn’t have to do anything Alpha in relation to her. He’s Alpha to the audience  and all the Christian women watching the movie will get wet pussies moved by the spirit for Kirk Cameron as a firefighter.
So it’s basically a romance movie for Evangelical women. Which is fine by me because I don’t have to watch it. But what you’re meant to do if your an Evangelical guy that has an office job I don’t know. Pray to God for a horrible office-wide cubicle collapsing accident so you can step in and save the day and look Alpha? What if you already call her just to see how her day is, give her flowers and cook her candlelight dinners and she still won’t have sex with you?
I bet there’s not a scene in the movie where he is Alpha in direct relation to her though. Seriously, will there be a fittness test in there anywhere that he passes? Or does he just pile on the Beta goodies until the film goes overbudget?
Damnit, now I have to watch it.

Captain’s Prerogative Number One

Youngest daughter came home looking like she had just done a heavyweight boxing title defense. She wasn’t in a fight, but she’s clearly had some fabulous allergic reactions to mosquito bites on her face, under her right eye and on her neck. Face is all puffy, airway is all good so not a 911 deal. Phew.
Stupid ass teachers though, how do they not notice this?
Anyway… a quiet evening home watching the Benadryl do it’s thing and tomorrow is 50/50 about needing another round of Benadryl to finish the job. Jennifer has a couple of important meetings tomorrow, one of which she is running, so I am a little too gleefully hoping youngest needs to stay home from school. That would mean I would just have to stay home as well – you can’t load up a middle schooler with Benadryl and wish her the best of luck lol.
So anyway – the official perspective on why the Captain stays home and not the First Officer…
(1) We both actually have real jobs that are fairly important in terms of the organization we work for.
(2) Tomorrow I have routine work that I would be doing, but nothing critical that I can’t miss or do another day.
(3) She has two important tasks at work tomorrow, one of which very much depends on her.
So for tomorrow at least, it is a reasonable request that I be the one to stay home and watch youngest. It’s not a Fitness Test on Jennifer’s part. I’m not being a weak-minded Beta by offering to stay home either. The team has a problem to fix, and I’m the one that is going to be least put out by fixing it. As I said, it’s a reasonable request that I be the one to stay home.
Now if we both had serious stuff we couldn’t miss, we’d probably do some sort of juggling thing where one of us worked early, and one of us worked late and switch off in the middle of the day, and/or use Grandma or Jennifer’s sister for kid watching duties.
If we were totally tapped out on options to cover it, and say we both had to be somewhere important at 1pm and there’s no hope of family coverage… it would fall to Jennifer to do it. I could probably kick-start my Avoidance Weasel to come up with a bunch of reasons why that is… “I have a nursing license, I simply can’t just abandon my patients and put my license at jeopardy… you have more PTO built up than I do, if I take today off, that’s one less day we can spend together as a family this summer…”. But I’m not going to reach for that stuff as an excuse.
The simple truth is Jennifer wants to play the good mommy card and be with the sick kid, and I wouldn’t want to miss an important work thing for a sick kid. Push come to shove, she’d be at work feeling guilty, I’d be home feeling a little pissed off. So as sexist as it sounds, when we actually default to the stereotypical sex roles, we’re both happier for it. We don’t actually want to be perfectly equal.
But it doesn’t really get as far as KIDCON2 for us very often. So hopefully tomorrow I get to stay home on a beautiful sunny day, miss some mundane stuff at the job, relax with a little TV or a good book, and lovingly drug youngest into a long nap.
Fuck yeah!
I mean… “Captain’s Prerogative Number One. I’ll handle this, report to your usual assignment.”
 

Girl Game: When Your Sex Drive Is Higher Than His

I’ve had several emails in the last few weeks about what to do when the husband has a lower sex drive than the wife. This is a painful topic for many and yes indeed it happens far more often than most people realize.
See when the husband wants it more than the wife, it’s fairly easy to balance things out – handjobs, blowjobs, and the grease-me-up-and-let-me-lie-back-and-enjoy-the-closeness routine. It’s not 100% ideal I agree, but it’s something rather than nothing. Vaginal sex twice a week, plus two handjobs and a blow job beats vaginal sex twice a week and frustration.
But when it’s the guy that has the low drive, that unresponsive-penis-thing is a… well I guess it really is a cockblock.
The first thing to do if the husband has a low sex drive is rule out the medical and medication issues. Get a testosterone level drawn. Eat right, exercise, and all that fun stuff I cover in Chapter 7 of The Primer. That’s all going to prime your pump full of semen and it’s the semen loading up inside you that really makes you want to find her and pin her down.
The second thing is he shouldn’t masturbate. If you’re a low sex drive husband and you pop one off in the shower, and your wife misses out on sex for the week because of it, that’s pretty selfish and cruel. Stick to my policy of “in her or on her” and don’t cheat on that. Knowing that her husband can have sex, but chooses not to have sex with her, is heartbreaking to wives. They usually turn that emotion inwards and wonder what is wrong with them rather than say anything about it until years pass.
Thirdly, encourage him to watch or read something erotic. Obviously this is not for everyone as personal beliefs about erotica and porn vary wildly, but there’s potential benefits here with moderate porn use. It’s exactly the same thing as lower sex drive women reading romance novels. It adds a bit more of a sexual charge for them for later. The more time you spend turned on, the more you are going to want sex. Just don’t jerk off to it obviously. All I’m saying is twenty minutes of messing about on a porn website (tons are free) before bedtime, might get him a little more worked up than usual… that’s where you come in.
Fourth, there’s fingering and oral sex to get her to orgasm. It’s all the same stuff as a lower sex drive wife can do for a higher sex drive husband. Why shouldn’t a wife get the same treatment? Plus even for me there’s plenty of times where I’m not wildly interested in sex when we go to bed, but by the time I’ve made Jennifer cum… I’m ready to go.
Fifth, if he’s getting you off with his fingers - hold his cock while he does that. Don’t worry if he’s soft at first, just keep holding it and gently stroking it. As you come closer to orgasm you’ll probably start forgetting you’re holding him a little and then it turns into naturally more excited shaking and jerking on him. Try it, see how it goes. It’s nice position him lying on his side next to you as he gets you off.
Sixth, try facesitting. (Hi Badger, there you go, I mentioned facesitting!) The best smell in the world is pussy. Let me just say that one more time. The best smell in the world, is pussy. A decent part of our sexual interest is driven by smell, so shoving your vagina into his face for a bit, should start to take a bit of an effect. A few minutes a day should be enough. Incidentally – I have no idea why women nag about anything, when they could just sit on their husbands face and ask nicely.
Of course when a woman wants sex, usually what she wants is a hard cock inside her and some bouncy-bouncy, so what’s the suggestion for that? If she wants bouncy-bouncy five times a week and his cock is only going to cooperate twice a week, that’s an beatable problem right?
Maybe not…
A possible solution to that problem is that the couple does have regular sex including penis in vagina goodness, but for him, only to the point of orgasm twice a week. So instead of having sex just twice a week, they switch to having sex five times a week, but he only comes to orgasm twice in the week.
When a man orgasms, most of the semen inside him shoots out and essentially resets his sexual interest back down to zero. After that, his semen supply rebuilds and as it gets bigger and bigger, he gets more and more interested in having sex again. So for a lower sex drive husband, after he has an orgasm and empties the semen out, it might take him three or four days to build up a supply again to make him interested in having sex again. So the wife is forced to just wait it out until he is ready again.
But if he doesn’t actually orgasm during the sex… all that semen stays inside him and his sexual interest doesn’t get zeroed out. In fact the next day he’s going to be even hornier. He’s also very likely going to be more attentive to her and instigating due to his higher sexual motivation. The only trick to master to all this is managing to actually muster up the self control to pull yourself off her.
In the end though, if all you can do is have two cumshots a week and she is very high libido, this might really help even up the balance and take the edge off things for her. Just treat it like a game with each other, it’s a way of playing together.
Jennifer and I have played with this a few times. Day two I can feel more semen as a physical sensation that I am just “aware of”. By day three I have personality changes where I start hovering on Jennifer like flies on… oh bad bad metaphor. By day four I’m approaching batshit crazy with wanting her. The last day four cumshot required a full stripping of the bed and I came inside her lol. I don’t mean to brag on that point, I’m obviously blessed/cursed with my sex drive; I’m just saying it really does work to make you more interested in sex.
Try it as an experiment, see how it works out for you both. If it works, it works.