Balancing Alpha and Beta

Hi there,
I have a question for you about game for women. Is it a beta trait or an alpha trait for a female to show deep attachment or sexual attraction to her mate? I would think that the sexual attraction, at least, is alpha, because it should elicit a sexual response from the male. However, I wonder if there’s any benefit to keep him on his toes a little bit and not get too sure of you, to the point where he gets complacent.
The female deep attachment feeling is related to the oxytocin hormone, so that’s Beta.
The sexual attraction you feel for him is related to both his Alpha sparking a dopamine response in you, and your overall sexual impulse, which is part of your Alpha.
There is an element of conflict in those two impulses.
I think you balance it by framing it as, “I am going to get sex no matter what, but my attachment to you is affecting my all purpose sexual impulse and I am controlling myself to just have sex with you. I’m happy to do that because I do love you and want you, but it’s far easier for me to stay in control if you are giving me the sex I want from you.”
That is in essence my feeling and agreement with Jennifer. I think it’s fairly clear to everyone that I am very high on the scale in terms of overall sexual impulse. To be honest I’d really like to have sex with multiple women I know, I’m not even crushing on anyone, it’s just a general all purpose sexual interest. But I hold it together to have sex with only Jennifer because I love her and understand that me cheating would dramatically change things with us.
But I can’t do that holding it together thing without her having regular sex with me. If she stopped having regular sex with me for no good reason, I don’t know how long I could hold it together and stay faithful to her. We’ve had a few times where we’ve had to hold off on sex for a while – a very rough pregnancy, post-partum, and her awful biopsy experience – all those were fine as I can sympathize she’s in pain and needs my support. But her just not wanting sex with me for no good reason… yeah… very hard to handle.
So there’s an interplay of Alpha and Beta in there. For a husband it’s a brilliant Game approach and something I honestly stumbled onto by both luck and my sheer need to have her repeatedly.

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Comments

  1. modernguy says:

    Idiotic. Men are not turned on by emotional mind games. We are not excited by withheld affection. The only "girl game" is looking attractive and acting feminine. If you're trying to adapt "game" to attracting men, you're probably a closet lesbian. If you're too ugly to get the kind of man you want, lower your standards. "Game" aint gonna do it. We're not looking for banter, we're not looking for dominance, we're not looking for manipulation. Men want beautiful feminine women, preferably faithful and honest. That's all there is to it. Be that.

  2. sconzey says:

    I wonder if there's any benefit to keep him on his toes a little bit and not get too sure of you, to the point where he gets complacent.

    Emphatically: NO. For a guy, receiving attention from other women works because guy-alpha is grounded in social dynamics; for most women a guy becomes more attractive when other women express attraction to him.

    For girls this isn't true. Because paternity is never ensured, yet guys commit a lot of excess labour to raising a child, guys are hard-wired to be uber-sensitive to signals of infidelity. Nothing will turn a man off faster; shut him down emotionally; than signalling that you are happy that other men show an interest in you.

  3. Athol Kay says:

    Modern guy you just called me an idiot and then said my essential theme on girl game back to me.

    "Men want beautiful feminine women" – that's the female Alpha.

    "preferably faithful and honest" – that's an important female Beta.

    Women should show an active sex drive, just focused on their husband. Beautiful feminine women will always pull male attention whether they want to or not.

    A woman that is actively conscious of her sex drive and can yet verbalize the importance of faithfulness is gold.

    Sconzey – Complacent men get cheated on and divorced. Nothing will wake a man up to reality faster than his wife starting to display interest in another man. They don't shut down, they tend to completely engage with the relationship with huge emotions.

    Paying attention to other men is an extremely potent attention getting move for a woman. There is an element of risk though, so careful…

  4. sconzey says:

    Nothing will wake a man up to reality faster than his wife starting to display interest in another man.
    That's a fair point, it's just I'm not so sure it will elicit the reaction she wants. If her bloke is lacking in any knowledge of Game, it may make him double-down on the beta traits, which kills her attraction to him and makes actually going through on that infidelity she's been flirting with that much more tempting.

    Worse is if she chooses a more subtle method to display her seeking other men — getting in shape, wearing sexier clothes. Again, if the bloke has no knowledge of Game, he's going to completely miss this; assume it's all for his benefit.

    Worst of all is if this starts pressing his wife-sharing-fantasy buttons.

    There is also the question of whether the original poster is channelling her rationalisation hamster, trying to justify the interest she is *already* feeling for other men.

    I don't disagree that I can envisage scenarios in which this is an effective strategem. I don't however think it's a generally appropriate piece of advice.

  5. krysie says:

    I am the woman who asked this question, and I wasn't planning on cheating! When asking about "keeping him on his toes" I was asking whether I should be very obvious about my sexual desire for him, or whether I should make him work for it a little bit. Should I make him still feel as if he has to hunt, a little bit.

    My husband is an honorable man, and I know he won't cheat. But, still, there's a part of me which worries that, if he thinks that I'm too much of a sure thing, his lizard brain will decide that he doesn't have to work hard for me anymore, and that he can free up his energy looking for other potential mates. I was wondering if that would be the female version of too beta. "She's such a dear old thing" as opposed to "She's a sexy fox!"

    I actually did not word my question very well, because I was still working out myself what I was trying to ask. Athol's answer still works though. Basically, as I understand it, he is saying that we should show commitment and loyalty to the man in our life, but also be confidence in our own attractiveness. There's love and attachment, but not desperation. The message is "I'm mad for you and only you – not because I don't have other options, but because I love you that much."

  6. Anonymous says:

    Sounds about right to me, goes both ways I think.

  7. Badger says:

    "I am the woman who asked this question, and I wasn't planning on cheating! When asking about "keeping him on his toes" I was asking whether I should be very obvious about my sexual desire for him, or whether I should make him work for it a little bit. Should I make him still feel as if he has to hunt, a little bit.

    My husband is an honorable man, and I know he won't cheat. But, still, there's a part of me which worries that, if he thinks that I'm too much of a sure thing, his lizard brain will decide that he doesn't have to work hard for me anymore, and that he can free up his energy looking for other potential mates. I was wondering if that would be the female version of too beta. "She's such a dear old thing" as opposed to "She's a sexy fox!""

    I'm not the expert on married sex, but I think this is a HUGE rationalization and projection, and I advise you change your way of thinking. Women tend to be hypergamous and so they value attention from a guy who could be giving attention to other women attracted to him. It does not work the other way around – the "harder" you make it for a man, the less interested he'll be, because he sees a lack of interest on your part. NOT being available for sex would be "too beta."

    If you're having a fling he might get bored, but a guy who dates, courts and marries a woman (introducing ruinous consequences for himself if the relationship breaks up) is not going to lose interest because he's getting too much sex. I'm hearing this "you gotta make him work for it" meme around the Net, and it's a really dangerous mode of thinking and closely allied with the idea that men are obligated to give women things in return for their company. It objectifies both sides and reduces close relationships to barter.

    I don't want to derail another thread with pro-con marriage arguments, but this is the kind of stuff that makes guys on the Internet say marriage isn't worth it – you can read dozens of testimonials from guys who got laid like tile when they were single, but then stopped getting tail when they got married because she "didn't want to be too easy," or she felt a wild sex life was unbecoming a married women. These men feel cheated and they are absolutely right.

    You're married to him – as long as he's attractive to you (not obligated to sex a man you're not hot for), it's your _job_ to be "easy," and if you're hot for him, why the hell not? Avail yourself of our oldest drug – it's not like it's going to make you fat like ice cream or chocolate or wine.

    I just read the part in Athol's book where he notes that sexual enthusiasm can boost a woman's sex rank up to two points. So if a wife wants to "make him work for it," she's really just disarming herself and opening the door to the idea he should find somewhere else he doesn't have to "work" for it.

  8. Badger says:

    "NOT being available for sex would be "too beta."

    Further review, this would actually be "lack of alpha," not beta. Either way it lowers the man's incentive to invest. He might change his behavior if he thinks he's done something wrong to turn you off, but eventually he'll realize he's being manipulated for no good reason.

    TLDR for my above comment: if you're hot for each other just do it like rabbits, don't overthink the whole thing. Life is not an episode of Jerry Springer or The Bachelor.

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