Dragon Breath, Farting, Pooping and Post-Coital Drippage

Hey Athol,

…and what about post-coital dripping, I’m not sure if you talked about that already, I’ve read about using baby wipes. I’m a man so this would not directly deal with me, but still wanted to know.

I was also curious how you deal with dragon breath in case you (or she) wants to cuddle in the morning after waking up. I guess the best way would be to cuddle with your mouth closed.

Also, what about farting, any way to limit it or find ways to not make it smell so much? I know it has to do a lot with diet, but seriously, breakfast = eggs and all that.

Along the same lines, what about crapping in the bathroom and the spouse needing to go right after?

I think most couples stop caring about these things and consider it small stuff, but I also think making an effort in these aspects is still making some effort nonetheless.

Hi there,

Half of all babies are girls, so it’s okay to use baby wipes externally around the vagina. However some women’s skin will react badly and it’s not ideal for spreading their labia and wiping anywhere inside if she reacts to the soap/chemicals on the wipes. If she’s at all chaffed from the sex it will also sting like hell.
Jennifer uses a couple of soft wash cloths for the drippage issue. Just regular square wash clothes like from Bed Bath and Beyond or where ever. Apart from that, I can’t think of anything… I cause that problem anyway, so my work is done. She just goes to the bathroom and does something. Seriously I’ve never paid attention.

As a warning through, if you are setting up a bachelor pad, just go for a box of Kleenex somewhere in the bedroom. No woman is going to shove a random washcloth into her crotch.

Dragon Breath is dealt with by getting up out of bed, brushing your teeth, peeing, and then climbing back into bed and snuggling. You can encourage her to do the same, and see if you can turn the snuggling into something… more.

If you know it’s coming, farting in the bathroom is the best place. I just don’t bother hiding it, we have an en suite bathroom so it’s pretty clear what I’m doing. I break wind like an Alpha, but with the courtesy of a Beta. Always seek the balance.
If you’re taking a huge dump in the bathroom, the proper technique is a courtesy flush. I.e. if you go WHUMP! into the toilet bowl, but Gnnnnnrrrrr plop plop plop is still left inside you, flush the toilet after the WHUMP! and then start work on the rest of it. The real problem isn’t smells in the bathroom though, it’s walking around with a less than perfectly wiped ass. We have a box of baby wipes in our bathroom and a “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t photograph” policy.
Otherwise the proper approach is simply not care and laugh about it…
“I warmed up the seat for you.”
“What have you been feeding me?”
“I don’t remember eating that.”

In the end though, having sex and living together is always going to have an element of gross attached to it. Sex is dirty with sweat, saliva, semen and other stuff spreading around and splattering. We have bodies and all sorts of weird stuff periodically blows it’s way out of them. Heck I’ve watched my wife give birth twice, and I can assure you that trumps anything I’ve seen her do in a bedroom or bathroom.You just have to have a sense of humor about it all when it happens and enjoy the moment as much as possible.

And then happily get to work cleaning it all up and making everything smell fresh and look clean.
So maybe I’m just jaded to bodily fluids because I’m a nurse.
Okay so there was this one time…
In nursing school…
I was in the Operating Room…
Just watching at the back…
And I got hit in the face…
With someone’s knee…
Well not the whole knee…
Just a little tiny piece of it.
Anything else?  I’ve got no sense of shame and Internet access. Bring. It. On.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Having lived in asia for many years, asians have the best approach to the dirty ass problem, water and your hand… it's like when you eat a meal, would you just wipe the plate and put it back? No, you'd wash that thing…

  2. Anonymous says:

    And then wash the hand with soap. That's an important step, for those who might read the previous comment and cringe.

  3. When you stink up the bathroom, light a match afterwards. Drop it in the toilet afterwards (not the trash, for safety).

    Learned this trick from my grandpa. Fire = alpha. Caring about how your house smells = beta.

    As to the actual science behind it, fart/shit smell stems primarily from hydrogen sulfide and methane. Yes, both are flammable – even explosive – but only a small portion of it burns when you light a single match. Instead, the "match smell" binds to the primary sulphuric olfactory receptors and prevents you from smelling the rest.

  4. As for the "Dragon Breath"(love the expression :) ), it´s main source is the absence of normal saliva coating in your mouth cavity during the night, thus leading to increased rotting/fermentation of microscopic and often not so microscopic food residue on/between teeth.

    Wonder-cure: clean out those pockets in between teeth and then brush BEFORE going to sleep!

    That´s for normal healthy people. If your tongue looks like a platoon of snails creeped over it then go see a doc and get a tongue scraper (aka spoon ;) ).

  5. I second Hans'suggestion. For thorough teeth cleaning in the evening before bed I suggest brushing, flossing and using a dental irrigator with dilute hydrogen peroxide. This should work for teeth/gums with tricky nooks and grannies. :-) That said, I usually sneak out of bed in the morning to brush my teeth while HE prefers to just start something before anybody really wakes up properly!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Seriously, do people not know about these:
    http://www.amazon.com/Kleenex-Cottonelle-Fresh-Flushable-Moist/dp/B002ABKFCA/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1303914563&sr=1-1

    Formulated specifically for touching your undercarriage. And unlike real baby wipes, they're flushable.

    Solves the post-sex cleanup and stinky ass problem. We have them in every bathroom in the house. To do otherwise is uncivilized.

  7. Miles Anderson says:

    Maybe I've been married too long but all of these things are easily dealt with in a common normal manner. If you come home from the club/workout/whatever with your wife sweaty and gross pull her into the shower. If your breath stinks brush your teeth (and yea, if it is a constant problem google it and do the right thing). If you need to take a big dump, do it. Be silently kind and minimize the impact on the other person. Having gas in bed is going to happen. But I mean, you are both going to be dealing with the others crotch in various ways. Be cool and yea, you are going to break wind on her leg sooner or later. She will say "Ewwww" and cuddle back into you. She has seen/done grosser things and your are a gross guy.

    I was initially going to say "Be Alpha, Take your the space that is your own". But honestly, this is just about common sense.

  8. Anonymous says:

    There is a product at the grocery that comes in a tiny bottle. You put one drop in the toilet bowl and then go about using the facilities without leaving odor. We also keep bathroom spray in each bathroom and bring a canister along on trips (not on an airplane).
    You can also use Beano before eating if you know certain foods or drink will cause gas problems.
    As to drippage of semen,I am kinky I guess,but I actually like the reminder of being filled with as much as possible of his sex juice. Having the sheets or my clothing dripping with it is a yummy wet memory.

  9. suggestivetongue.com says:

    I've lived with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We've gotten used to each others smells. You just have to realize people are human and… well, less than perfect. I've even come to like the closeness of those less-than-pleasant things like morning breath or smelly socks because it reminds me that my partner is comfortable around me. Now, in excess I would be disturbed… but we're courteous. I agree on the tissues issue. Even having some by the bed could be nice. Generally I just get up and use the bathroom and then throw on some underwear and things take care of themselves. Having tissues to wipe up with though, is a definite plus. It would make me feel more comfortable in a new place.

    Oh, and candles or some other form of scent in the bathroom can go a long way.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Do people not know how to live in close proximity anymore?

    This question and all the blogs and columns, stories and what-have-you all exist because the Western World has lost the ability to deal with other flesh and blood humans.

    God(if such a thing exists)help us all.

    Sean

  11. you sir are an Inspiration (however everyone lit candles while Inspiring, and, like bill, did not inhale)

    yr blog photo 'Surveys His Realm' likewse, inspiring

    we stand back (a vaporfree distance) in awe!

    ray

  12. oops it looks like you just got famous how about that

    dont forget us Little People!

    ray

  13. Ok this post is old but I couldn’t resist commenting. If you aren’t cool with farting/pooping/etc. how the hell do you expect to really push the boundaries in bed? I would never have gone for anal if I was worried my sh** was going to offend my husband. That said, we aren’t gross about it and try to be courteous, but seriously, being comfortable with each others’ normal bodily functions goes a LONG way towards avoiding starfishing. BTW I like to keep a glass of water on the nightstand to help freshen breathe (but now am confident to tell hubby to go brush, or if I’m really into it, not care). I also find handkerchiefs next to the bed are great for spooge clean up- reusable/washable so environmental friendly, always nice and soft, thin so easy to get in tight spaces. Our BC method is a combo of pull out and NFP/FAM so it’s more of an issue than for most ppl (man condoms can be so tidy) but in a pinch, hubby’s underwear works good too:) Mine tends to be to tiny to do much though LOL!

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