For the month of April I’m going to be talking about things from the female side of the sexual equation. I’m going to build on what I’ve established about the male side of the equation, so a little review…
As I’ve said before, the male formula is…
Alpha = Attraction = Dopamine
Beta = Comfort = Oxytocin
So a man being Alpha sparks a hormonal dopamine response in women, and it’s the dopamine that makes the woman feel attracted to the man. Once that dopamine kicks in, she has no control over feeling attracted to him. (Though she can choose to ignore those feelings.)
A man being Beta sparks a hormonal oxytocin response in women and it’s the oxytocin that makes her feel all warm and comfortable about the man. Once she’s got a shot of oxytocin in her system, she’s going to feel a pair bond starting to connect with him.
These are two separate hormonal systems. It’s not a “Alpha or Beta” system, it’s a “high or low Alpha” anda “high or low Beta” system.
For women, the formula is very similar…
Alpha = Attraction = Dopamine
Beta = Comfort = Vasopressin
In men, the hormone vasopressin plays the same social bonding role that oxytocin does in women. So the basic format is the same for women as for men. Women being Alpha will spark a hormonal dopamine response in men, and they will become attracted to her. A woman being Beta will generate a hormonal vasopressin response in men and they will start to bond to her.
So the question is then, “what behavior do women do that spark those hormonal responses in men?”
The good news is that for both men and women, the Beta Traits are very much the same. In short if you can do some combination of: holding down a decent job and/or keeping a good house, decent with the kids, generally a pleasant companion, aren’t addicted to anything and can give your partner orgasms – you’re in good shape on the Beta front. It basically about being a grown up.
Orgasms are very important as a Beta Trait as during orgasm women experience a big oxytocin response and men experience a big vasopressin response. In all seriousness, a key relationship skill for marriage is having orgasms together; it bonds the two of you together.
However when it comes to the Alpha Traits, what creates a dopamine response in men and what creates one in women, are very different things. I’ve covered what creates a dopamine response in women endlessly, but the short list is: social power, dominance, physical fitness, preselection (other women being sexually interested in him) and a strong profile of sexual interest. So a man displaying all that would be regarded as sexy by women.
What sparks a dopamine response in men looking at a woman is pretty simple: beauty, perceived fertility, high sex drive and suspected ovulation. That’s a pretty clinical way of describing a hot girl, but that’s exactly what makes a girl hot. I’m also using “girl” quite delibrately here, if you think of Beta = Woman and Alpha = Girl you’ve got it about right. Just like males have to balance Alpha and Beta Traits, females need to balance Alpha and Beta, a.k.a. Woman and Girl in a marriage or LTR.
Unfortunately some of that Girl stuff is not very controllable, I mean if you’re a forty year old woman, you can’t do anything to become a twenty year old again. But some of it definitely is controllable and for the rest of the month I’ll cover how to Girl Game your husband by working what you can.