Often a wife wants her husband to read MMSL. So she tries to get him to read the blog and then I get email like this…
“Everything is right fucking there laid out like fucking kindergarten and he read it once and that was it! I’m sick of turning a guy at work down and then coming home to this fat idiot. What am I meant to do????”
To address that we’re going to have to take the long way around…
One of the problems that draws women to MMSL, is the issue of struggling with not feeling attracted to their husbands. They want to be attracted, they just aren’t. They look at their husbands and wish they were attracted, know they really should be having enthusiastic sex with him, but they just can’t feel it. They can lube up and lie on their back with their legs open, but once he’s on top of them, their Body Agenda doesn’t want him there. They’ve tried faking it until they make it… and didn’t make it.
The issue is simple – attraction isn’t a choice. They can’t make themselves feel attracted to him, it’s up to him to make himself be attractive to her. Or put another way – if you’re not attracted to your husband, it’s not your fault. It’s his fault.
There’s nothing you can directly do to him, that will make him more attractive to you. You can’t force him to exercise, dress better, make more money, playfully dominate you, talk to you more, play with the kids yada yada yada. Usually if you try and do that, all that happens is you start turning into a nag. And nagging doesn’t really work as an effective method of changing things. I mean if nagging actually worked, think how unbelievably perfect the world would be with so many nagging women acting as change agents.
The only person you can change is you. If he’s not attracted to you, then that’s a problem you can actively work on, because he doesn’t have a choice about being attracted to you either. You can lose weight, dress better, find the things he likes, shimmy up to him and so on.
At some point you may get tired of nagging… I mean repeatedly asking him… I mean just talking about the need for him to do something different. At some point you might decide to actually do something about it yourself and take action. That action is going to be essentially exactly the same thing that I’ve suggested for the men that read MMSL – start becoming more attractive to the opposite sex in general and leverage that toward a decision where he either realizes what he could be losing and gets his stuff together, or you move on to find someone else that does attract you.
That sounds fairly nasty if you’re a male reader, but I think no one would disagree that a wife that suddenly shuts off the nagging, starts losing extra pounds, pulls together a better look and starts making clear intentions about no longer tolerating an intolerable situation, is going to really get her husband’s attention far better than simply nagging him. This isn’t a new thought for Girl Game month either, I’ve said all this before.
Some 80% or maybe more of what I write about works equally well for women as it does for men. Take the Tit for Tat approach for example. There’s zero difference between doing it as a man and doing it as a woman.
So coming back around to the post title…
At some point a wife will start Googling in sexual frustration, find MMSL and then get wet panties for my approach to marriage. So the very next thing that happens is they try and get hubby to read the blog and he reads it once or twice and then does squat for personal change. This drives the wife crazy and then she emails me saying, “I can’t get my husband to read your blog, I’ve told him to read it and he went once and then didn’t read anything more.”
What’s happening is MMSL is being used as a prop for more nagging… a.k.a. as “just talking”, so he reads it a couple times to shut you up, then ignores it.
What you should be doing is getting into action - exercising, dressing better and starting to create in him a sense that if he doesn’t sort his crap out and quickly, he might be on the way out of your life. If you’re following the timeline recommended in the book, once you hit Phase Four (in Chapter 16) he will very likely have a huge “Oh shit!” moment. Then he’ll be really ready to learn anything and everything about fixing that problem. At that point handing him a copy of The Primer is going to work as a tool to help him change and he’ll probably devour it.
But what you don’t do is have sex with that guy at work. It’s action of course, but it’s action toward ending the marriage rather than renewing it. There’s no legal requirement to announce impending cheating without a fair warning to address the issues, but the majority of people will see a moral one.
I’ll just point out that by cheating you’d be markedly reducing your chances of a long term happy outcome to your marriage by doing so. Cheating just makes one problem turn into two problems. The fair warning approach is in your best interest. It will save you an enormous amount of hassle if in six months time your “fat idiot” could be changed into an in-shape guy that pulls your hair a little.