What are women getting out of their side of the game?
Short answer: A happier husband. More sex. Companionship. Fun.
Longer answer: What you teach him that you like him to do.
Reward the behavior you want to see him increase, fail to reward the behavior you want to see him decrease.
If you want to have long talks with him, initiate them with him and thank him/praise him/pay more positive attention to him when you have long talks together (reward). When he’s not particularly being talkative, don’t fawn over him and specially cater to him to get him to engage in conversation (no reward).
It’s somewhat like toilet training. “This is where I would like you to poop.” “Oh! Good boy!” “Okay a little accident, next time try remember the potty.” Obviously a grown adult isn’t a toddler, so you don’t use the kiddie tone with him, but the principle is essentially unchanged. It just takes some time to work through and succeed.
Make reasonable requests of him in a reasonable tone of voice. If you both can agree that the request is reasonable that he does a particular task, just assume it will be completed. If he screws it up or fails to do it, don’t bail him out or take it back over. Just let him clean up the consequences. If he completes the task / does it well… thank/praise/reward.
I don’t advise you try that with critical tasks straight out of the gate – like finding summer camp for the kids – because if that task is screwed up then you have a huge problem to deal with that you probably do have to bail him out of… which would be a reward for his failure to do it.
Start this with smaller non-critical tasks first and establish a precedent that if something is agreed as his task, he needs to complete it.
I am also serious on the reasonable tone of voice thing as well. You can ask him to do something completely reasonable, but if you ask in that whiny-bitch-nagging tone, you are Fitness Testing him and he really shouldn’t comply with you. (He should call you on that and refuse your request until such time as you can ask in a reasonable tone of voice.)
If all this sounds manipulative, it’s because it is manipulative. You are changing your behavior to influence his behavior. But then you being a whiny-nagging-screech who slams the dishes into the dishwasher is also trying to be manipulative. The silent treatment is manipulative as well. You doing everything for him and pouting about it is manipulative too. They are just not as effective as what I’m suggesting to get you what you say you want.
Sex and food are two of the best behavioral rewards out there. You shouldn’t starve your husband of either, but nothing says you can’t put in a little extra effort on either one to please him when he’s pleased you.
Though I wonder if the real question isn’t “What’s in it for me?”, but more like, “How can I get him to step up and be The Captain instead of being a crappy member of the crew?”