April is mostly posts for the women’s side of things…
One of the most frequent complaints from men is that their wives don’t initiate sex with them. In fact they can get pretty tore up about it because they feel sexually rejected by their wives because of it. After being the one to initiate sex for the 100th time, it’s easy to start to feel like the other person isn’t really all that interested in you. Which is an easy jump to…
“Fuck this shit. I’m just going to see how long it takes for her to initiate sex with me just one time.”
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i can totally relate to the feeling of initiating all the time, having to do it all the time, and — for me — getting shot down being really frustrating and upsetting. i have truly felt at various times that he just isn't that into me. and it hurts. a lot. and no, he wasn't having an affair (he's way too loyal).
so, to develop a better sex life, i've stepped away from driving the sex life (since it was one of many pants i was wearing in our relationship). it's not going as quickly as I would like, but things are improving a lot.
so, this one i have to step away from.
(and in response to the cooking one, i don't want to buy an apron. i already have the skirt.)
All good except for the asking part. To beta for me. Just take her. Healthy women like to be desired. I occasionally will tell my wife to be ready for sex in a few minutes but usually she has no warning other than me removing distractions like turning the TV off or taking her laptop away. The spontaneous approach seems to work best with us.
I used to be upset that she didn't initiate for all the reasons outlined above. Hearing "female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality" when I first read it here, was quite a revealation.
Getting shot down for a woman is quite upsetting as most have zero experience being on the receiving end of a "no".
Some of the more pickup oriented blogs like Roissy's may help him learn to percieve those (not-so) subtle signs of interest. Be wary of tampering with the dark side though.
Men don't do subtle very well. Iirc, women have about 30% more neural connectivity in brain regions associated with reading faces, voice tones, & emotional state in themselves & others. Assuming (for no good reason at all) that IQ and EQ (emotional quotient) have anything to do with each other, that 30% gap puts the average man processing hints as well as a mildly retarded woman.
After many fights caused by my missing hints, I explained this to J and told her to literally spell things out for me as if she were dealing with a retarded girl. I keep my alpha cred in these situations by teasing her about how much I like it when she uses her big girl words. It's helped.
I have no problem with 'no.' after all, I got a lot of it as a kid. My parents had good boundaries. And, i often asked guys out and was told no (as a teen), and so on.
And, I fully expect my husband to say no to me on occasion, just i would expect to say no to him. so, it's not that bad.
But, we had a problem with communication (i was being to butch and he was being too fem), and it was frustrating both of us, we were rejecting each other unconsciously (it was a conscious rejection, but the reasoning was unconscious).
So, we're working on it.
My husband and I were having the same issue: I was initiating more and getting more and more depressed by it. He thought he was being polite and considerate of my feelings.
I somehow stumbled upon Roissy's site, figured out what was going and and then we had a big talk.(The movie review of Blue Valentine really hit it home for us). It truly was like he took the red pill. He said, "wow, this means I get to get rid off all the stuff I hated doing anyway." Ha! Things have been terrific since then. It's like we're dating again.
My husband told me years ago he liked this. I love when he makes my job easy for me.
There are men who reject sex when initiated by their wives?
Pdwalker – A very great many of them. It not always the female half of the couple that has low sexual desire. I don't have stats on how many, but probably in the 5-15% range of all marriages it's the husband turning her down.
I've had contact with several wives how have said that it would be less painful to learn their husband was gay as the reason to turning them down, as opposed to simply feeling rejected.
I'm not talking fat bitchy unfuckable wives either. They usually have gone bezerk trying to self-improve and seduce him.
yup.
we also decided that i can initiate once a week, because he actually likes that i do, and that he will initiate the rest of the time. it's been a good couple of weeks.
Athol, a lot of men go through a few years of "low libido" where they would rather watch SportCenter and jerk off to internet porn than have sex with their wife. It usually happens when the man is young, and reverses itself (with a vengeance) later on. I don't see this talked about much, other than the fems vilifying the porn (and guys definitely don't talk about it with each other) but if you listen to women, examples abound. Maybe you could shed some light on this? I doubt many men in this situation are seeking out your blog, but it could help wives who are experiencing it with their husband. (Obviously this post is a good practical guide to how to start.)
I'm coming to that sort of question Anon. Not sure when this month, but I will.
"See when your husband initiates sex, he usually directly askes for sex, or starts groping you"
Lol! That's what I always do…My husband is so busy with his business, during the week so I make it my job to handle the sex side of things.. He never complains, and I have never had a knockback..
I usually come straight to the point( I am very direct).. Probably not the sort of approach that would suit everyone..
So.. I am not averse to sticking my head in his office and saying. "Feel like a r**t later on? He loves it..
Works everytime too!
Kathy
Some other reasons for a husband's low libido:
1) Lots of pressure at work that crowds sex out of his mind
2) Loss of job that erodes his self-confidence and sense of masculinity
"You can also rub your ass all over the area proximal to the penis."
My personal favorite.
Its been a long day, what's r**t?
root = another term for engaging in sexual relations. Much more polite than "fuck"
It's a common Autralian term.. I always crack up when I read that Americans root for their fav football teams. Lol.
Kathy
"Rooting" is also what animals do that eat things growing or found on the ground…
But yeah, that is awkward.
Great article! When it comes to sex there is nothing worse than 'subtle'. The different sexes just don't get subtle, they are too busy to notice the other person's signals, let alone read them correctly.
Ruf loves it when I initiate – put my hand on his penis, rub my bum against his crotch or just gyrate my pelvis against his back. These are signs that he understands.
He doesn't tend to remember the times when I tried to set the scene more romantically because he thinks he initiated the eventual coupling by being the first one to put out his hand to touch.