Girl Game: Touch Is Love

This one is simple, simple, simple.
Most men are never routinely touched by anyone other than during handshakes, doctor visits or getting punched – playfully or otherwise. Even hugs from your mom tend to vanish at some point midway through childhood.
The other way men get physically touched is through sex. Half the reason men automatically think that getting touched by a woman is a direct line to the bedroom, is that all too often that’s the only time they get physically touched. A decent part of the reason men want sex is simply to get physically touched. 
When a girl flirting with you does that playful slapping thing on your arm or shoulder, it’s powerful, almost electric sensation for most men. Instant attention getter; for a lonely guy it’s pure Kryptonite.
So touch him. Do the arm slap thing. Rub his back a little. Cuddle. Kiss. Do whatever incidental touch you can. I spend a lot of sitting in front of the computer writing. Jennifer running her fingers over my back as she passes me going from the living room to the kitchen is utterly enjoyable for me.
I. Could. Be. Massaged. All. Day. Every. Day. Forever. (Caveat: Happy Endings required though.)
Breaking it down a little further. Being sexy and alluring to him is going to be your Alpha ticket that creates your attraction goodies. But physical non-sexual touch is going to be comfort building to him, so it’s a Beta skill for you.
A husband lacking a supply of comfort building touch outside the bedroom, will probably try and get it met by having sex with his wife. You know this is happening when you want him just to pound the crap out of you like a wild man… and he wants to have some sort of slow cuddly-wuddly sex. Again.
Half the reason husbands trapped in sexless marriages feel so emotionally hurt by it… and have these enraged feelings of abandonment like they are little boys who have moms that don’t want them… is that they simply lack any single person in their life that has any regular physical contact with them. They haven’t had any comfort-building done to them. When you do that sort of thing to a newborn, the resultant syndrome is called “failure to thrive” and the baby has a pretty good chance of just dying. It’s not really much different at age 42, or 34, or 56.
Everyone needs positive touch in their life.
But to most men, touch is love.
This is why when men suddenly become a widower, their odds for suicide just skyrocket. He’ll put his wife into the ground and throw dirt on her casket, and half the people at the funeral won’t reach out and touch him and the other half will only shake his hand. A tiny handful will hold him, but after the funeral, he’s on his own in an empty bed and a silent house for a long, long time.
Without her touch, all the love in his world is gone.
If you can, lavish a bit more of the physical touch on him outside the bedroom. Kisses. Hugs. The hand on the shoulder. Massage him. Cuddle. If you can get his routine comfort needs for touch met outside the bedroom – when you guys go into the bedroom, all the need that’s left of his to meet…
…is his studfucking need.


  1. haleyshalo says:

    Sometimes I meet men whom I want to give a hug because they seem like they really need one, but I don't because I don't know them well and don't know if they will respond positively. Some men seem very uncomfortable with any type of touch. With others, I refrain because I'm afraid they'll think it's a come-on. So it's all kind of a vicious cycle.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hey, that's girl game I can get into. I love playing with my husband's hair and you are right that touch is love. It's a good reminder.

    Other men (like, all other men), not so much. Maybe a hug hello/goodbye for close friends but then again they'll be hugging my husband too, so that doesn't make me uncomfortable.

    And no WAY I'm going to stop hugging my kids just because they are male! It's cruel to see Moms (and Dads) stop cuddling with boys like they have to be hardening them up to be Men(tm) or something.


  3. This does work a charm – I love to give little caresses and my husband practically purrs if I rub his head (no, not that one) – his head is shaved and he just loves it.

  4. Athol Kay says:

    It can be a vicious cycle Haley, but one that can and should be avoided inside a marriage!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Thank you Athol. Such an awesome post.

  6. This is an excellent point that I never thought about before reading this today.

  7. Anonymous says:

    As a single man, I agree 110%.

  8. Anonymous says:

    WONDERFUL post! Best Girl Game post so far, IMO.

  9. Fascinating.

    This thought has lots of merit, though I wouldn´t go quite as far as making the lack of touch such a catastrophe for singles.
    In a marriage though(and in private) it´s akin to openly declaring hate to each other

    It also explains why PDAs are such a great beta(male) marker. It sends the unconscious message that one is too dependent on the female.

  10. Anonymous says:

    @hans, in a relationship you ARE dependent on the other person. I'm committed, and not going anywhere else for sex. That's a dependency.

    Beta male markers are relationship builders and yup, PDAs would be good ways to build your relationship. I think it is unfortunate that you drip negativity at that beta marked male and his being too dependent on the female and all.

    What, is he supposed to be all aloof and distant in public so she is insecure about his commitment and love? You don't get years of marriage out of that attitude.

    The couples out walking holding hands always make me smile.


  11. Mac you haven´t understood a thing Athol and other PUAs are trying to tell you about the female "rationalization hamster".

    Girlfriends hold hands!
    Unless you´re still in the madly in love stage, this is the mark of the so called "greater beta".

    And the way to permanently killing the vagina tingle and learn first hand how the divorce court will hold hands with YOUR bank account till the end of your days.

    While I don´t support the ends of PUA lore, it nonetheless describes the "female animal" much better than what men are brainwashed into believing about them through our feminist society.

  12. @hans, dude, I'm female.

    My husband and I hold hands. In public. I've been married 15 years to him.

    PUA is pick up artist right? How exactly is that relevant to a post titled "Married Man Sex Life: Girl Game: Touch is Love"?

    I get Athol's arguments a lot better than some PUA ever would (even if I don't agree with them all!).


  13. Athol Kay says:

    Mac – Huh? I thought I was strip-mining PUA stuff for what works for marriage. :-)

  14. Ah, you´re excused then Mac. ;)
    And I now understand your insistence on such a display being right(& your lack of understanding real dominant male behavior).
    The days of you guys walking around with hands in each others back pockets are probably over.

    You are aware though, that there´s a BIG difference between somewhat fresh relationships and pairings of a decade and above?

    The average chump has this baggage to overcome:

    You guys have hopefully managed this stage:

  15. Athol, I agree with your article. Even tough guys and heros need hugs (I know some personally)! All things being equal, I'd respect a husband of 20 yrs more if he was true to himself and affectionate rather than trying to withhold affection to appear less dependent. I also see that people may have to work through some issues…but please…try and think deeply on these issues in the light of your own natural preferences, cultural context etc…

  16. hans, your post and linked article smack of recently-divorced bitterness and hatred. Women are as they are, you can't blame them for that. Men are as they are too. The whole premise of this blog, unlike PUA blogs, is to blend the alpha and beta together. They are not either-or, they are two types of traits that can be combined together in the same person. And doing beta to balance alpha is not a bad thing.

  17. Anonymous says:

    I'm a woman and was single and in a dark place once. I remember laying in bed one night just crying my heart out because not even my close friends would touch me, and I lived with them at the time. I felt so alone and horrible after a rough break-up with my first love, and nobody would hug me, or rub my shoulder or even touch my hand. It was such a horrible, hopeless feeling. I would say that this very much applies to both sides. Women feel love and appreciation through touch, too.

    I try to hug, back-rub or just lean into my husband a little bit every day at least. When its too warm in our bedroom to cuddle, we just tangle our feet together. Touch is far more important than you'd really ever imagine, until you wake up one morning and realize that nobody has touched you in six months.

    I will never stop hugging my sons. My husband still hugs his mom. He does this weird hug-tackle thing with both his dad and his brother, too. That's definitely the way it should be!

  18. This is all well and good, but what do you do when the man rejects your touch?

    I try to hold his hand, he pulls it away, I try to hug him and I get stiff-armed.

    He says he's attracted to me, and everything is wonderful, and he doesn't want me to change anything, and yet… constant rejection.

    Any insight?

  19. This is why there are so many massage parlors where 90% of clients are male. I personally enjoy going there because of the sensation of touch. I could never get enough of it; lomi lomi is the best of all.

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