Most men are never routinely touched by anyone other than during handshakes, doctor visits or getting punched – playfully or otherwise. Even hugs from your mom tend to vanish at some point midway through childhood.
The other way men get physically touched is through sex. Half the reason men automatically think that getting touched by a woman is a direct line to the bedroom, is that all too often that’s the only time they get physically touched. A decent part of the reason men want sex is simply to get physically touched.
When a girl flirting with you does that playful slapping thing on your arm or shoulder, it’s powerful, almost electric sensation for most men. Instant attention getter; for a lonely guy it’s pure Kryptonite.
So touch him. Do the arm slap thing. Rub his back a little. Cuddle. Kiss. Do whatever incidental touch you can. I spend a lot of sitting in front of the computer writing. Jennifer running her fingers over my back as she passes me going from the living room to the kitchen is utterly enjoyable for me.
I. Could. Be. Massaged. All. Day. Every. Day. Forever. (Caveat: Happy Endings required though.)
Breaking it down a little further. Being sexy and alluring to him is going to be your Alpha ticket that creates your attraction goodies. But physical non-sexual touch is going to be comfort building to him, so it’s a Beta skill for you.
A husband lacking a supply of comfort building touch outside the bedroom, will probably try and get it met by having sex with his wife. You know this is happening when you want him just to pound the crap out of you like a wild man… and he wants to have some sort of slow cuddly-wuddly sex. Again.
Half the reason husbands trapped in sexless marriages feel so emotionally hurt by it… and have these enraged feelings of abandonment like they are little boys who have moms that don’t want them… is that they simply lack any single person in their life that has any regular physical contact with them. They haven’t had any comfort-building done to them. When you do that sort of thing to a newborn, the resultant syndrome is called “failure to thrive” and the baby has a pretty good chance of just dying. It’s not really much different at age 42, or 34, or 56.
Everyone needs positive touch in their life.
But to most men, touch is love.
This is why when men suddenly become a widower, their odds for suicide just skyrocket. He’ll put his wife into the ground and throw dirt on her casket, and half the people at the funeral won’t reach out and touch him and the other half will only shake his hand. A tiny handful will hold him, but after the funeral, he’s on his own in an empty bed and a silent house for a long, long time.
Without her touch, all the love in his world is gone.
If you can, lavish a bit more of the physical touch on him outside the bedroom. Kisses. Hugs. The hand on the shoulder. Massage him. Cuddle. If you can get his routine comfort needs for touch met outside the bedroom – when you guys go into the bedroom, all the need that’s left of his to meet…