Girl Game: When Your Sex Drive Is Higher Than His

I’ve had several emails in the last few weeks about what to do when the husband has a lower sex drive than the wife. This is a painful topic for many and yes indeed it happens far more often than most people realize.
See when the husband wants it more than the wife, it’s fairly easy to balance things out – handjobs, blowjobs, and the grease-me-up-and-let-me-lie-back-and-enjoy-the-closeness routine. It’s not 100% ideal I agree, but it’s something rather than nothing. Vaginal sex twice a week, plus two handjobs and a blow job beats vaginal sex twice a week and frustration.
But when it’s the guy that has the low drive, that unresponsive-penis-thing is a… well I guess it really is a cockblock.
The first thing to do if the husband has a low sex drive is rule out the medical and medication issues. Get a testosterone level drawn. Eat right, exercise, and all that fun stuff I cover in Chapter 7 of The Primer. That’s all going to prime your pump full of semen and it’s the semen loading up inside you that really makes you want to find her and pin her down.
The second thing is he shouldn’t masturbate. If you’re a low sex drive husband and you pop one off in the shower, and your wife misses out on sex for the week because of it, that’s pretty selfish and cruel. Stick to my policy of “in her or on her” and don’t cheat on that. Knowing that her husband can have sex, but chooses not to have sex with her, is heartbreaking to wives. They usually turn that emotion inwards and wonder what is wrong with them rather than say anything about it until years pass.
Thirdly, encourage him to watch or read something erotic. Obviously this is not for everyone as personal beliefs about erotica and porn vary wildly, but there’s potential benefits here with moderate porn use. It’s exactly the same thing as lower sex drive women reading romance novels. It adds a bit more of a sexual charge for them for later. The more time you spend turned on, the more you are going to want sex. Just don’t jerk off to it obviously. All I’m saying is twenty minutes of messing about on a porn website (tons are free) before bedtime, might get him a little more worked up than usual… that’s where you come in.
Fourth, there’s fingering and oral sex to get her to orgasm. It’s all the same stuff as a lower sex drive wife can do for a higher sex drive husband. Why shouldn’t a wife get the same treatment? Plus even for me there’s plenty of times where I’m not wildly interested in sex when we go to bed, but by the time I’ve made Jennifer cum… I’m ready to go.
Fifth, if he’s getting you off with his fingers – hold his cock while he does that. Don’t worry if he’s soft at first, just keep holding it and gently stroking it. As you come closer to orgasm you’ll probably start forgetting you’re holding him a little and then it turns into naturally more excited shaking and jerking on him. Try it, see how it goes. It’s nice position him lying on his side next to you as he gets you off.
Sixth, try facesitting. (Hi Badger, there you go, I mentioned facesitting!) The best smell in the world is pussy. Let me just say that one more time. The best smell in the world, is pussy. A decent part of our sexual interest is driven by smell, so shoving your vagina into his face for a bit, should start to take a bit of an effect. A few minutes a day should be enough. Incidentally – I have no idea why women nag about anything, when they could just sit on their husbands face and ask nicely.
Of course when a woman wants sex, usually what she wants is a hard cock inside her and some bouncy-bouncy, so what’s the suggestion for that? If she wants bouncy-bouncy five times a week and his cock is only going to cooperate twice a week, that’s an beatable problem right?
Maybe not…
A possible solution to that problem is that the couple does have regular sex including penis in vagina goodness, but for him, only to the point of orgasm twice a week. So instead of having sex just twice a week, they switch to having sex five times a week, but he only comes to orgasm twice in the week.
When a man orgasms, most of the semen inside him shoots out and essentially resets his sexual interest back down to zero. After that, his semen supply rebuilds and as it gets bigger and bigger, he gets more and more interested in having sex again. So for a lower sex drive husband, after he has an orgasm and empties the semen out, it might take him three or four days to build up a supply again to make him interested in having sex again. So the wife is forced to just wait it out until he is ready again.
But if he doesn’t actually orgasm during the sex… all that semen stays inside him and his sexual interest doesn’t get zeroed out. In fact the next day he’s going to be even hornier. He’s also very likely going to be more attentive to her and instigating due to his higher sexual motivation. The only trick to master to all this is managing to actually muster up the self control to pull yourself off her.
In the end though, if all you can do is have two cumshots a week and she is very high libido, this might really help even up the balance and take the edge off things for her. Just treat it like a game with each other, it’s a way of playing together.
Jennifer and I have played with this a few times. Day two I can feel more semen as a physical sensation that I am just “aware of”. By day three I have personality changes where I start hovering on Jennifer like flies on… oh bad bad metaphor. By day four I’m approaching batshit crazy with wanting her. The last day four cumshot required a full stripping of the bed and I came inside her lol. I don’t mean to brag on that point, I’m obviously blessed/cursed with my sex drive; I’m just saying it really does work to make you more interested in sex.
Try it as an experiment, see how it works out for you both. If it works, it works.


  1. Anonymous says

    Answer to above question: YES – my husband is 8 years older than me and I'm no spring chicken!

    My solution to the problem is: porn + Hitachi Magic Wand, plus, keeping in mind that getting laid once per week is still better than what many people get.

  2. Athol Kay says

    CSPB – I was about to say "it's probably useless" but digging around mostly on wikipedia seems to indicate that it has some effect on the same things that viagara acts on. So yes it's quite possible that it has a positive effect of some sort.

    Whether that is an increase in sex drive, or an increase in the ability to have an erection, I couldn't say.

    The other question is what's the actual strength/quality on the individual supplement used. That might vary greatly.

    Anon – yes it is very normal to have a gradual decrease in sexual function as you age. However a sudden drop off of sexual interest or ability is not usual at all – get checked out/don't wait long to find the cause and address it.

  3. Anonymous says

    This is the best comment of all…

    "Incidentally – I have no idea why women nag about anything, when they could just sit on their husbands face and ask nicely."

    This is so so true.

  4. Julia says

    Facesitting: some men are much too clever to fall for that ploy.

    "Sit on my face all you want, I'm still not going to…"

    This is what happens when we ladies "put out" all the time, sex can no longer be used as a bartering device.

    "Blow job? Again?…what else ya got?"

  5. Candice says

    Great post – creative solutions! I read that there is a way for men to orgasm with out ejaculating. This might be a win-win solution for low libido men.

    After my first marriage, I thought men naturally passed their sexual use by between 50 – 60. Now I know many are still very active sexually and there seems to be a pattern of a greater appreciation of sensual pleasure. Not older, better! (YAY)

  6. Anonymous says

    I don't believe in using sex as a "bartering device". Then your man will think that you only have sex with him to get what you want, instead of having sex with him because you genuinely want him.

  7. Athol Kay says

    Anon 9:54 – Julia's point was that she has so much sex with her husband she couldn't barter it if she wanted to.

  8. Cupid's Poisoned Arrow says

    A person's approach to sexuality is a sign of his level of evolution. Unevolved persons practice ordinary sexual intercourse. Placing all emphasis upon the sexual organs, they neglect the body's other organs and systems. Whatever physical energy is accumulated is summarily discharged, and the subtle energies are similarly dissipated and disordered. It is a great backward leap. Lao Tzu, Hua Hu Ching circa 300 BC

    What are we to do? Learn to overcome the neurochemical separation mechanism outlined above, and emphasize the signals that strengthen our pair-bonding program. Since the time of ancient Chinese Daoist master Lao Tzu, the same wisdom about how to manage our sexual energy better has bubbled up periodically in different cultures and at different times. For example, the Gnostic Christians and Alice B. Stockham, MD (Karezza [1896]) both taught that ordinary intercourse, with its emphasis on sexual satiation, causes separation and estrangement between partners and chaos in society

  9. Athol Kay says

    Well I'm badly unevolved then. I'm pretty much of the pin her down and do her hard school of thought.

  10. Cupids Poisoned Arrow says

    You're not alone. Most people are of the unevolved sub-species of human. The sad thing is – they dominate the internet and this is what young minds think is desirable.

  11. Anonymous says

    If you get a testosterone check, don't take the doc's word for whether you're normal or not. Do the research yourself. If you are low (and maybe if you aren't) try taking fermented cod liver oil every night and gingko every day. Worked for me. :-)

  12. Laura says

    Athol, thank you so much for this post. As a woman, it is difficult having a higher sex drive than my husband. When I realized my husband and I had this problem, I combed the internet trying to find a solution and found very few things for women who wanted sex more than their men. Mostly, I found posts of women complaining that their husbands wanted it much more often, and they didn't want to provide it (I don't understand this at all). It's good to know I'm not alone.

    I've found it's very helpful that my husband remains affectionate all the time, even if it's not sexual. When first dealing with this issue, we both started pulling away physically– not hugging as much, etc. But we've found it helps that he still continues to be affectionate even if he doesn't feel like having sex.

  13. BreeAnna says

    Didn't mention:
    She masturbates (alone or with him)
    and More importantly
    So he doesn't want his penis in her. Well them get a replacement penis for the job. He can control it or she can ..
    There are SOOO many options out there..

  14. Anonymous says

    I Think your missing the bigger picture in this question. As a wife in this situation it's not the lack of sex so much as the sex I get when I do get it. I'm a 4-7 times a week kinda girl. My dh is a 2-3 times a week guy. I'm also 13 yrs younger. I would be alright with 3 times a week if it was come up behind me, grind a hard cock against my ass, throw me on the bed and fuck me sore sex. Then I don't think I would mind a slight pause in between. The problem is my dh will do me every other day. Sometimes everyday. IF I ASK. If I do all the dirty work. If I approach him if I blow him. Yadda yadda. So is allota ok sex better than really good sometimes sex. Not for me. What I miss, What I'm craving is the pursuit. I want to feel wanted. Not humored. There are times when I'm horny and I approach, am given the green light and then almost lose interest as I know that I have to fondle for 5 mins the suck another 5 before he's even ready. It's routine. It's boring. It's not hot. So what do I do? I don't want a vibrator (have one) but that's not what I'm looking for. For me the suggestion of have him just not cum half the time seems…. Like I might as well just use the shower head. I think that alot of the women who ask you this question are not seeking the sex as much as the chase. Or lack off

  15. Athol Kay says

    Anon 3:00 – I think you're missing my point though… your husband never gets to build up to that level of sexual interest you want because of all the sex you give him. You keep him drained and limp!

    Try the skipping an ejaculation routine and see how he is the next day. Just try it. If it works, great. If not, oh well.

  16. Anonymous says

    I doesn't matter if it's once a day or once a week (I've tried this) it's the same level of interest either way. I dont keep him limp all the time, mostly when I'm ovulating Im just extra horny and like it 24/7 ;)
    On average I'd say were a 3-4/wk couple. I said if I ASK I can get some everyday. Not that I do ask everyday. I'm trim. Long hair. Look nice. Where the thongs he likes. So what else do I do? Because ur blog is all about giving ur man all the sex he want and things will be awesome. But what if all the sex HE WANTS is less than I want? I do all the things as far a my appearance goes that I can do. So what next? ( I know that tone doesn't come across so well in writing, I'm not trying to be snarky, I really do want to know) because I tolerate the lack of sex as I very much love my husband. But I am not happy about it. I think my husband is hot. I want him. Alot. So what gives? I've done the back of and let him approach. Doesn't work. He will approach me. But once a week. Seriously Athol would u be good with once a week?
    Oh and as far as the suggestion above. I don't get the point. For me one of the grEastest parts of sex is satisfying my partner. Of having that together. And doubt he would go for that anyway. I've asked for him to just "do me" on occasion and he thinks that is selfish on my part. That he should be included or I should wait.

  17. Anonymous says

    NeverMind. Scratch that while post above. I think I may have figured out the problem. I was just readreading the part where I say my husband would do it if I asked. That pretty much sums up our relationship. I think I'm testing here. I'm waiting for him to push back. My husband is great and will do pretty much WHATEVER I ask. This is the problem. I think I'm using sex as an issue to get him to man it up elsewhere. Maybe I don't want him to half- hard dick me. I just want him to say " not tonight. I let u know when u deserve it" ( or something like that) that would be hot. Holy shit AThol ur a genius. LMFAO. U don't even know how many blogs and sites I've been to trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong and what to do about it and sex wasn't even the real issue in the first place. So next step is buy book-leave it on nightstand ;)

  18. Anonymous says

    Can you make this a post? I think it woild really help other women I'm my same situation. I literally just had an epiphany above. I knew something was off I just didn't know what it was let alone how to articulate it. My husband is too beta for me. I just didn't realize it. So I used this issue because I genuinely thought this was the problem. It is not. For me one of the most alpha traits i can think of it a caveman like throw me down, pull my hair and smack my ass move. But what I'm really wanting is just a little more alpha in general. It's not the sex. It was just the easiest fix for the problem that I didn't even know was there. If my dh threw in a few of the moves I said above it would probly quench my alpha thirst and things would roll more smoothly. But just the same if he alpha'd up elsewhere i bet I would perfectly fine with the sex were having now. My dh is a stay at home dad and I work. I tend to take the leadership role out of default. I DON'T WANT it! I don't want my husband to do whatever I say. I don't want my husband to do things just to appease me. I want him to say what he wants and be firm about it. I don't want all the power it's exausting. I would rather be the one at home but it just didn't play out that way. Ok. Sorry for the multiple comments. I'll go shut my mouth n read now ;)

  19. says

    I wish this was the case in my life, would make it so much easier. You absolutely have to have similar levels of sex drive.

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