First Review of The Primer + Kindle and PDF Versions

The first review of The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is up at Ruth Institute Blog. Go read!
Though the takeaway point is…

“In sum, I am not just telling you to buy this book. I’m telling you to get it as a wedding present for the newlyweds in your life. I’m telling you to get it as a present for any of the married men in your life (including your husbands, if you are a wife).”
So what are you waiting for?

Oh yeah… there’s a Kindle version now. It’s still syncing up on with the printed book version, but it’s there as of this morning. Should sync in the next 24 hours. $9.99. 
Also as a bold move, I have a PDF version that can be downloaded from  Yes I know the PDF will probably be copied and spread everywhere. Probably the people that don’t pay for it would never buy it anyway. Maybe it gets to more people and spreads further afield and I win on the 2012 edition. If people get an… ah.. “viral copy” and they want to pay for it after they read it, they can just buy a copy and salve their conscience that way.
The real issue for me though is that I have 25% of my readership outside North America, and there’s just no practical way to ever get a printed book to them, and Kindle is only USA and UK. So I’ll lose some and win some most likely. The PDF is $9.99 as well.
The Amazon and Lulu widgets are on the top left sidebar. Whether you buy the printed book on Amazon, the Kindle, or the PDF, I make about the same amount. So I don’t care what you buy, just buy something!

Also a huge thank you to everyone that has already purchased books so far. I am very grateful and humbled at the number of people that have done that. As a favor though – if you can find the time to write a review at Amazon, that would be enormously helpful.


Dalrock very kindly posted Mantervention and gave The Primer a nice plug.
“As you no doubt already know he has written a book titled The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. Books are the perfect format to introduce someone new to a world they were never told about. The format forces the author to define the key concepts and terms upfront, and the reader doesn’t get the feeling that they came in during the middle of the conversation. Also, Athol Kay is pro marriage, so you don’t have to worry about the pickup side turning off your pro marriage and/or religious friends or relatives. Additionally, from reading his blog you already know he is a master of his topic and a gifted writer with a fantastic talent at teaching what would otherwise be fairly complex ideas.”
However the comments get interesting and are worth a read as well. The below is a comment I left that helps explain my overall approach to working with marriage problems.
“If the approach to problem solving frames the wife as the enemy, the logical outcome is war. If you frame her as someone having a difficult time in her marriage, with a problem to solve, it’s possible to work towards a solution.
She’s married to him and has a lot invested in the relationship. Fixing the problems is the path of least resistance for her. Despite what Men’s Rights Activists say, most women see divorce as a last resort and a terrible outcome. Most of them don’t even fully understand why they are miserable in their marriages and detest their husbands.
Women do have the advantage with family court, alimony, custody issues to be sure. But they don’t get married planning to screw their husband over as a long term strategy. They all see it as a horrible mistake to have married and see divorce as a salvage operation.
I know of several women that made a 180 after learning basic Game principles when they realized that they were testing their husband etc.
Don’t get me wrong on this – there are a minority of divorced men that are absolutely destroyed by the divorce machinery. There are clear cases of the most appalling injustice and the MRA rage over those cases are justified and righteous. However if you constantly frame every woman struggling in her marriage as simply biding her time to take on her demonic form, opportunities to save things will be lost and the end result will be the husband dumped into the divorce machinery.
Most wives don’t want to divorce and see it as Plan B. I’m just in favor of trying to fix their Plan A before they feel they have to go to Plan B.”
All marriages have ups and downs. You get through the down times by sticking together, focusing on your commitment to one another and facing your problems together as a team. But if the wife is framed as about to spring the trap on him and pull off a divorce assassination at any moment, the husband obviously has to go into defense mode and ensure he doesn’t get caught in it. After that the war is on.
I’m trying to figure out where I am on the scale of things. I find myself sympathizing with various points of both feminism and MRA. I just can’t get into the hatred of either sex, or the hatred of marriage required to be a card carrying member of either group.
Yes I can see western society is looking in pretty bad shape right now. But what if it isn’t Humpty Dumpty? What if the solution is just to clean up, rebuild and move on into the future? Solid marriages are part of the solution. Especially if the decline of marriage was a major part of the problem in the first place.
I think I’m a Couples or Marriage Activist or something. Gonna to have to think of a better name for that…

Girl Game: Female Sexual Dominance and Cramming Things Into His Ass

April is focusing on the the female side of the equation…
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Need Some Questions From The Ladies”:
“Here’s one for you: I want to “peg” my husband. His response: no way.
How can I have my way with him? I want his “man cherry!” I want to experience, in some small way, what sex is like for a man — the dominance element that seems to be such a major part of sex for many men.
Not joking; any helpful advice would be appreciated.”
For those who don’t know – “pegging” is when a woman wears a strap on dildo and penetrates the man’s anus with it. It can be pleasurable for the woman in that the base of the dildo can apply pressure to her clitoris and if it’s a double ended dildo, then it also gives sensations inside her. For the guy it can be pleasurable anally and especially on the prostate.
So I’ll answer this question in two ways, (1) finding a way of getting that feeling of sexual dominance and (2) shoving things up his ass.
If you really just want that feeling of sexual dominance once in a while – to be the one supplying the sexual pounding instead of the one of the receiving end of it – there’s a couple of ways of doing that without cramming things into his ass.
One easy option is to tie him up. Once he’s tied up, you’re pretty much the one that’s dominant and making things happen. Suck him, sit on his face and wriggle a little bit, tease him, kiss him and finally make him cum in a manner of your choosing. Ta-da! Easy dominance.
Another option is a variant on the Cowgirl Position. Do Cowgirl for as long as you like, but then lean forward over him, have him spread his legs apart and put your legs inside his ones. So now you’re in a Gender Reversed Missionary Position. Having your legs together and tensed to support your body weight is going to tighten your vagina on his cock and create a stronger sensation for him. You on top and him under you is you in a dominant position. Then you pound his cock with you vagina.
Jennifer and I do this position once in a while and it really does provide a highly stimulating experience. This is about the only Penis-in-Vagina position where I have no ability to control my orgasm. Me on top, spoons, cowgirl or whatever, I can slow just a little or mentally adjust and not orgasm until I consciously choose to. In this position Jennifer can just fuck me hard and I can’t not cum. So she’s dominant in that position.
So anyway… assuming you actually want to boldly go where no one has gone before, some tips for that.
Start small. I’d start with handjobs that have an element of anal play with them. Using a good amount of lube, have one hand jerk his cock and the other gently play with his anal area. If he likes that a few times, then you can progress to inserting a finger into his ass as you do that. You can use gloves or a condom as a barrier.
For anything going into the ass you need a lot of lubrication. Too much is better than not enough. I would use your middle finger and assuming he is on his back, your finger goes in and gently “up”. You’re looking for his prostate gland and it will feel a little like a small soft bump against the rectal wall. You will know when you hit it right because your husband will probably have his eyes bug out and look at you like he just discovered he had a secret second penis or something.
You can gently stroke and play with the prostate – long nails are a no-no though. You don’t want anything sharp poking at the rectal wall and scraping or puncturing anything. That’s a nasty recovery. Another option here is a small, repeat small, butt plug. Should cost you about $10. Same deal as fingers in the ass, lots of lube. Basically thrust it to try and hit the prostate. It’s good with a hand/blowjob going as well. Most men have huge orgasms from prostate stimulation. Just take it slow.
After that, you can build up his tolerance with a larger butt plug and eventually get up to pegging. That takes a lot of trust though. You’re going to have to make him want that experience by having lots of good anal sexual experience leading up to it.
Jennifer and I have done all of this with the exception of pegging. I loved prostate orgasms when I was early 30’s, but not so much now I’m 40. I think I’m just starting to get nervous about damaging myself in someway, a too firm poke at 30 and nothing much might happen, at 40… ya getting nervous I think.
I do like having my ass played with once I’m turned on and there’s lube involved. We do anal toys once in a while and I handle a small one easily. We tried a medium butt plug on me once and that was just amazingly painful. It was kind of like me fucking Natalie Portman, the fantasy was exciting but there was just no way it was ever going to happen in reality.
Oh and be advised. You peg him, he can quite justifiably demand you put your ass up in the air and he gets your anal cherry too. I suggest you experiment a little on yourself and see exactly how big you can really tolerate in there before you set the hamster wheel in motion.
So have at it. It doesn’t have to be man on top every single time. Try stuff out together, if it works, it works. If it doesn’t work and it was anal, go easy on the spicy food for a day or two. Anyway… if she doesn’t get her kink on with you, who can she get it on with? Her memories of band camp will only sustain her for so long…
As an aside, anal prosthetics sales are an exciting growth area in the medical field. It’s quite possible to seriously damage yourself with anal sex, so be careful with it. Please don’t make me link anal prolapse accident porn from the nastiest places on the Internet. Nobody wants that.

Girl Game: Initiate Sex By Touching Him On The Penis

April is mostly posts for the women’s side of things…
One of the most frequent complaints from men is that their wives don’t initiate sex with them. In fact they can get pretty tore up about it because they feel sexually rejected by their wives because of it. After being the one to initiate sex for the 100th time, it’s easy to start to feel like the other person isn’t really all that interested in you. Which is an easy jump to…
“Fuck this shit. I’m just going to see how long it takes for her to initiate sex with me just one time.”
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Girl Game: Know How To Cook

Let’s be real shall we. If you’re a woman, you really do have to learn how to cook. There’s really no getting around that and yes indeed by golly there is a huge double standard between men and women on this issue.
When a man doesn’t know how to cook, no one really thinks of him as a failure as a man. When a man can cook, he gets bonus points for it. For a woman though, the inability to cook kind of marks her as deficient as a woman, certainly by the time she has kids there’s a major expectation that she knows what she’s doing in a kitchen reasonably well. If she wants bonus points for raw cooking ability, she needs to cook very well.
And don’t get me wrong on this one either – I’ve advised men to learn to cook multiple times on the blog and pages 54 and 55 in The Primer advise it as well. Men really should know how to cook, it’s not really a task that either sex have a clear advantage at over the other. It’s just that the whole home and hearth thing runs very deep in the culture and frames you as the default choice for cooking. I’m sorry about that, it’s not my fault, I’m just explaining how it works.
So the questions for women are: (1) “If I’m not really going to get many points for cooking, and can only lose points for not being able to cook, how can I not get taken advantage of and lumbered with the task of cooking every meal forever?” (2) “Okay he just told me to go make him a sandwich like I’m his bitch and I don’t think that was any version of playful gaming, just him being an asshole so what should I do I do about that?”, and (3) “No really, this is bullshit! If I have to be the kitchen queen, I want a way to earn points for cooking.”
So lets deal with (1) first. One approach is to take the long term view and say “I don’t mind leading in this area, but we’re going to spend the rest of our life together, and it’s just too long of a time to do it all myself, I’m just going to start hating you for it and that’s going to be lose-lose.” Then you slowly teach him how to cook. For most guys that can’t cook, it’s not that they are against it, they just had a lifetime of being told to get out of the kitchen. Now that they are grown, it’s embarrassing to even admit they are beyond useless in the kitchen.
So start small. Show him how to make pasta. It’s near impossible to screw up. Then once he gets pasta down, do another meal, and so on. If he only learns a new meal a month, after a year he can make twelve different things. And lets face it, most of us really only make about 12 different dinners over and over anyway. Then you figure out together what the ratio of nights cooking is for the two of you.
Another idea is to to actually take him to the supermarket when he’s skilling up cooking. You’d be surprised at how more interested in cooking a guy can be if he can actually pick out the food that he wants to cook. Then having picked it out, he’s already committed to cooking it later in the week… which sidesteps an argument later on about his need to cook one night. “The beef you picked out needs to be cooked today or tomorrow before it goes bad.”  If you do this routine, never cook the food he picked out, unless you want to have the chef job forever.
Make sure you reward him as well. You reward the behavior you want to see continue, so while he may not be an Iron Chef just yet, if he’s trying and gaining skill, then that’s progress. So verbally praising him works, touching him when he’s cooking works (arm touches and back rubs) and obviously you can have sex with him too. That last one may seem a little devious and evil, but if you’re basically both comfortable with sex three times a week, and two of those three times just happens to match up to his two nights to cook… well whats the problem with that? He’ll just think that my advice for using Cooking Game is working… so just lay back and let the pussy do the work.
In terms of Jennifer and myself, I could cook when we married, Jennifer not so much. We’ve been together sixteen years and we both can cook far better now that we did. At first I played the role of teacher, but that’s all far in the past now. Neither one of us is stellar, but we’re both quite functional and good at it. Overall though, Jennifer just started assuming control of the kitchen and she cooks more than I do. We usually shop for food together and we plan meals on the fly in the supermarket based on what’s on sale and what she has coupons for. It’s a game for us now.
Okay… so question (2) where he tells you to go make him a sandwich and is being an ass about it. Just ignore the request, he’s just testing you. Just say “Get your own sandwich” and walk away. The other option is that you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cut the crusts off, put apple juice in a sippy cup and just be done with it. Tit for Tat.
And on to answering (3)… “How can I get points for cooking?”
The key here is to understand that cooking – for both men and women – is a Beta skill. So it’s about building relationship comfort rather than sexual attraction. Your cooking will not make his cock hard unless you’re shoving a viagra tab into a piece of cheese and calling him over. So to win points with cooking, you need to cook something that is going to go beyond just a meal on the table, and actually trigger him feeling warm fuzzies about whatever it is that he’s eating.
The simple trick here is just to ask him what his favorite foods are and then purposely work them into the rotation. You just frame that you personally may not be excited by this particular food, but you know that he is, and it’s for that reason that you are making this particular dish. It’s not really about the food. It’s about showing him that you want to please him, for no other reason than that you like him. It’s that attitude and emotional behind the food that creates the relationship comfort. Sometimes you have those special Christmas or Thanksgiving dishes that he loves that you never make the rest of the year. So why not bust one out in April?
Sometimes those favorite dishes are special or ethnic foods that you can make. For example I’m from New Zealand and the humble sausage roll is a traditional New Zealand party staple. I went about ten years without eating a sausage roll before I off hand mentioned them as something that I missed. Since then I’ve had a fair number of sausage rolls courtesy of Jennifer and I always eat too many. I always love her just a little more each time she makes them.
The other way to build relationship comfort with cooking, is to pay attention to him at times he’s getting hungry when he’s working too hard or too long. Back in the pre-kid days when I was working double shifts, Jennifer would fairly often stop by my work with food and a kiss. During the long drag of writing and editing I very frequently would lose track of time and on several occasions she brought me sandwiches. It’s not really about the Turkey Club BLT though, it’s more about her saying “Go you!” with a Turkey Club BLT.
Of course if all else fails. Just squirt Reddi-Whip on your boobs and ask him if he wants pie.

Assanova Gone?

I’m getting a 404 Error on Assanova.

That would suck.

Girl Game: Find Out What Turns Him On

Some things basically attract all men: nice skin, nice hair, nice eyes, nice boobs, nice butt yada yada yada. You do what you can with that of course, but you can’t exactly spin a cocoon around yourself and suddenly bust out in six weeks like a magical tits-and-ass-butterfly either. What you really want is something easy and practical to score some easy points in the attraction department.
Well sometimes those things really do exist as there’s often some sort of accessories or clothes that turn your man on in particular. So they work for him, but not all men. He’s not always going to tell you about them as some of these things can be deeply personal veins of erotic kink for him. He may or may not understand why he feels as he does about them either.
So you’re going to have to ask him about what things turn him on, or he may have already told you some of them and you’ve ignored them. Once you get it into your head to do them, they are always automatic +1 attraction when you do them. You don’t even need to understand these things and often they can seem to most people to be decidedly mundane. You initial reaction is quite possibly going to be confusion rather than icky repulsion.
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Thanks and Housekeeping

Added a few more blogs to the blogroll. Go see.

Also a big thank you to…

Susan Walsh – Hooking Up Smart

Badger – The Badger Hut

Aunt Haley – Haley’s Halo

The Private Man – The Private Man

Ulysess – Hidden Leaves

… all of whom wrote wonderful posts celebrating my book coming out. Very much appreciated.

Girl Game: Have Long Hair

Long hair is a marker for physical good health, is a feminine appearance marker and the overwhelming majority of men are attracted to long hair. Most husbands react to their wives lopping all their hair into some sort of short pixie cut quite badly. Kinda the same way you would react if he suddenly announced he’d shortened his cock to two inches long. You’re not going to really say anything, just make that strangling sound in your throat and hope that it can eventually grow back.
And yes I know, long hair is more work to take care of. Yes I know washing baby puke out of your hair is disgusting. Yes I know having a toddler deciding to latch onto your hair and rappel down the back of the couch is annoying.

Men really like it though. Shoulder lenght is just fine, anything past your mid-back starts seeming to be a little long. No need to go Rapuzel on us.

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Girl Game: Fake Ovulation With Lipstick and Cleavage

The most important thing to understand about men’s interest in women, is that from an Alpha = Attraction = Dopamine standpoint, it’s almost entirely a visual experience. Men have a decent sized part of their brains hardwired to assess nearby women for their beauty, perceived fertility, high sex drive and suspected ovulation.
Men don’t just look at women; men assess them visually as potential mates. If a man looks at a woman and sees a woman exhibiting beauty, fertility and who is possibly/probably ovulating, his body gives him a shot of dopamine as a behavioral reward/incentive to do something about it and get over there and make a move on her.
The longer he looks at her, the more of a dopamine shot he’ll get. It’s positively addictive to men look at highly attractive women. That dopamine surge is why they stare at you so much. It’s an amazing and heady experience looking at a truly beautiful woman in her prime.
Have a look at this clip…
You should get the sense that he can’t not look at her. The whole time he’s in class he knows she’s right behind him… and he has to look at her.
She’s beautiful and young, so those are two great markers for her ability to have a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby.
She has long and good hair. That’s a great marker for overall health. It essentially says “I’ve had good nutrition for the last four years and no significant illnesses.
Her skin is good. Yes she has make up on her face, but her neck, arms and boobs are all showing good skin quality. That’s another health marker. Remembering of course that anything that marks good physical health is sexy. (Pages 15 and 16 in The Primer cover the full range of “what is sexy”)
She also has nicely rounded breasts which are yet another marker of health and fertility.
Most importantly though, she looks like she’s possibly ovulating by two key female tricks of the trade. The first is lipstick. When women ovulate their lips turn a brighter shade of color, so whether she is ovulating or not is irrelivant as she covers her lips with a fairly vivid display of sexual signaling. The male looking at her is completely fooled on a biological level. Intellectually he knows she’s wearing lipstick to look better. His Body Agenda just figures she’s ovulating so it dumps a load of dopamine into his system to make him want to go over there and tear her clothes off.
The second trick of the trade is showing off her cleavage. When women ovulate they typically start showing off more skin in order to attract male interest. If a woman usually wears turtlenecks suddenly wears cleavage barring tops for two days and then reverts to turtlenecks… well duh… she just just ovulated. So anyway, hot babe in the clip has a low cut top and a good bra. So once again the male looking can intellectually think, “she’s wearing that to look attractive”, but his Body Agenda just assumes she’s ovulating and has perky, healthy symbols of baby making abiltity on her chest…
…so release the dopamine!
Now all this is just common sense. Lipstick and cleavage, everyone knows that right? Well yes and no. What’s not understood is the uncontrollable nature of attraction; as long as you simply have boobs, your husband is going to be far more attracted to you if you show off cleavage than if you don’t. He can’t help it.
A little bit of lipstick goes a long way as well. But then you knew that already.
So why do you go our to your job wearing lipstick and nice tops… and come home to your husband, wipe off the lipstick and put on a sweatshirt? How’s that working out for you?
I had to cover this angle with Jennifer a couple years back. Literally demanded that she start wearing at least occassionally cleavage baring tops with me around. As confusing as it may sound, it’s actually stoothing to me to get to see legally sanctioned cleavage to stare at. Jennifer didn’t get it at first, but now she purposely poses or leans forward for me to get a better look. It’s playful and fun for us.
What’s interesting is that her cleavage is better for attracting me than her naked breasts are. I suspect the bra lifting them up etc signals better youth and my brain is simply fooled by it on a primal level. Though that’s not to say I ever turn her naked breasts down. Especially if I’m tied up and she puts one in my mouth.