It’s like Facebook, but with drinks…
My phone was accidently on vibrate in my purse. That’s why I never answered you all night.
Don’t be silly. You’re so paranoid and controlling.
Sarah got really drunk so I drove her home before I came home. That’s why I didn’t get back here until 2am.
It was a bunch of us from work, how could I not go?
The only guy that was there was Mike and he’s an asshole. You’ve got nothing to worry about.
Add yours in the comments….
If you happen to stumble upon an email or text between your wife and some other guy that says something like, “OMG I can’t wait to have your cock in me again!!” Then you have a pretty good idea that what is happening is a whole heap of not good.
But what if it’s something like, “Was great to catch up with you again!” That’s kinda sorta nothing in particular, but kinda sorta might be the tip of the iceberg of something in particular.
If there’s anything she says negative about you to him, that’s a red flag. She’s expressing a lack of interest in you and thereby opening the door for the other guy to advance his position on her. Likewise anything he says negative about you, is sending out a feeler to see if she will respond with a defense of you. If she doesn’t defend you, she’s granting him permission to continue to advance his position on her. If she does defend you, he just bides his time and tries again.
Opening up the topic of anything sexual is also a red flag. People rarely have conversations about sex with a member of the opposite sex unless they have attraction for them. Also the “What if things were different?” lines of inquiry where alternate reality scenarios are discussed are red flags. Things aren’t different, she’s married. Talking about sex via a private message is hitting all three areas of Instigation, Isolation and Escalation; a red hot gaming move.
A lot of emails, texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages don’t hit on those red flag areas. But you can still have a sense of something not quite right going on. In cases like this it’s usually best to simply ignore the content of the communications completely, and simply focus on the total volume of communication. Or put another way, if your wife is talking to another guy on the phone for a couple hours a week, what they are talking about simply doesn’t matter, something is starting to happen. If there are twenty text messages/emails/Facebook posts a day between them, the content of the messages don’t matter, something is starting to happen.
If you’re her husband, and you start dropping into the zone of getting less communication touches than another guy, the content of the messages don’t matter, something is starting to happen.
The content doesn’t matter, because the real message is “I want to be in heavy contact with you.” He might make expressions of attraction to her and she can even say she’s “not interested”, but if she continues the communication level… she’s expressing interest.
One or both of them can deny anything more than flirting and friendship is going on to the other. Even repeatedly so. But if the communication frequency continues on unabated, the real message is “I want to be in heavy contact with you.” Which means more than flirting and friendship is going on.
When you call them on what is going on as being inappropriate, they will always deny anything is going on and say it was all a big misunderstanding and that you are taking it out of context. After all, it’s not like they were texting “OMG I can’t wait to have your cock in me again!” Plus they will blame you for being a control freak or otherwise being unbalanced. That is the point where you say you don’t give a rats ass what they think, you’re not an idiot and it needs to stop.
Usually if there is nothing overtly red flag in the communications, it will stop right there and she will do a 180 and suddenly be more attentive to you. Basically both of them were too cowardly to escalate the interaction further, and you being confident and dominant will make the other guy back off and make her respond to your dominance.
Just keep half an eye out and ensure it doesn’t go underground and continue… that’s seriously bad.
When you experience an attraction to another person, your body is dumping dopamine into your system and you experience that dopamine as romantic love. Emotions are not abstract metaphysical experiences, they always have a material world element inside your body. In all seriousness, emotions are physical things.
If your are experiencing that emotion for someone who is your spouse and they experience something similar for you back, then it’s a pleasant and positive experience for you both. Assuming the relationship is functional, productive and happy, it’s quite logical to allow the emotions to continue and encourage them.
However if these emotions develop inside you for someone outside the relationship, things can quickly escalate toward dramatic outcomes. Dopamine is the primary hormone related to pleasure and behavioral motivation and is heavily linked to a Time Before Writing set of programming for mate replacement/opportunistic sex seeking. It’s a completely normal biological function and makes perfect sense in the Time Before Writing scenario.
I’m pretty good about handling flirts and compliments. I get the occasional email, Facebook message or picture attachment that are, um… enjoyable, but non-serious. Pivot and parry. No harm, no foul.
But I had a recent one that hit not just one, but two, of my personal kryptonite zones. (And NO I’m not saying what they are! I wasn’t even aware of the second one until she tapped it and I turned to mental jello.)
In all honesty, I got near instantly hooked. I’m no different than the rest, attraction is not a choice. Dopamine will tear me up just like everyone else. I’m not excusing my behavior here, just explaining it. I spent about three days getting drawn in and about three days getting myself pulled out. (And no we didn’t have sex or anything like that.)
Awkward, painful and embarrassing. In my version of the story I had to basically tell her as politely as possible to f off as I’m married. In her version of the story, I basically took it all too seriously and freaked out. Both of which are possibly true. I do tend to lock-on target looking for a firing solution once engaged.
Bleh. I guess I gotta take the pledge.
I am a nice man, not a mindless flirting machine.
If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.
Females are friends, not poon.
See what I mean about attraction not being a choice? Once engaged…. just one bite!
On the bright side, I extracted myself from this episode quickly. Much faster than I have ever managed to untangle myself previously. I was also acutely aware of how quickly my enjoyment of it faded and just siphoned away all my happiness leaving a brooding darkness. I’m Batshit Crazy.
I also couldn’t write. I couldn’t even answer email. I’d just sit at the computer and look at everything pile up in my inbox and walk away. Three days of this crap. Once I pulled the plug on it, everything came back online again. I could write, I cleared the email, I was happy again.
I’ve always been the high stimulation, high libido, one of Jennifer and myself. I’ve always felt like I’ve been holding back and moving at the speed of the slowest. I’ve long had a fantasy that I could easily add a second wife/mistress/girlfriend/f-buddy and that I’ve made a conscious and difficult sacrifice of that sort of thing because Jennifer could never agree to it or handle it. But when the reality seems to be on offer… I become miserable and non-functional, so apparently I don’t really want that. Fantasy destroyed. Who knew?
And I have been holding back. I have been seriously worried that if I was apart from Jennifer for extended periods of time, that I might just fold and do something stupid and wreck what we have. I haven’t trusted me, but maybe I can a little more now. It’s one thing to try and resist what you want, and another to resist what you know you don’t really want. So I guess I’m glad this all happened.
I just have to watch the kryptonite security protocols. Attraction is not a choice. Jennifer has adjusted slightly and made sure to tap one of the areas more frequently and I appreciate that. The second one… well she really has no hope of doing it and that’s okay too. It is after all my problem to solve.
And yes I have been extremely apologetic to Jennifer for the entire mess. I’ll also just be deleting comments devoted to telling me off for my behavior. I’ve already admitted guilt and we’re moving on. The point of the post is “Athol bad but learning”, I just don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not. I struggle with monogamy at times too.
Next post I’ll write about how to perform a Vulcan meditation ritual that will purge romantic feelings from your system and break the hold of dopamine on you. You’ll need a lawnmower for it.
Do you allow any more leniency during PMS time? In other words, if she usually is not showing disrespect, but might slip into it during her blue days, is it ever appropriate to just let anything go?
Hormones explain behavior, but do not excuse behavior.
If she is disrespectful during PMS and you let it slide, you’ll eventually give her permission to be disrespectful the entire time. Then you’re toast. If she’s being disrespectful, you need to address it – PMS or not.
It’s really an anger management issue and nothing else. If a man gets angry because of high testosterone and some sort of irritation, he’s expected to hold his crap together and not turn into an ogre. The exact same thing should be expected of women when they have hormonal issues.
However that being said, PMS is a very predictable circumstance. If you’re following my advice (in Chapter 15 of The Primer) you have your wife’s PMS week marked in your calendar and can see it coming. This is the week where you can turn a little more of the Beta stuff on and provide comfort for her. Cook dinner more nights than usual this week. Don’t spring a new or unusual demand on her this week. This is a good week to tell her to go out by herself for some alone time (if introverted) or visit one of her friends (if extroverted). Take the kids out by yourself for half an evening or something. Essentially create lessened demands on her through this time period.
Just bear in mind that when you turn the Beta stuff on, she should recognize and appreciate it and not simply just expect it as a divine right.
Just like any other anger management issue, a key approach is for the person that is angry, to recognize it as an emotional state they are experiencing and actively seek to address it rather than simply rage. One of the things I most love about Jennifer is that when she is PMSing, she just states in a calm but tired tone that she is experiencing PMS. I always do something to try and aid things then for her. Compared to having to live with someone that starts screaming, throwing things, picking fights with me, or acting impulsively before saying PMS is an issue… having her simply say she is having PMS is a true gift.
Come up with a coping strategy for her PMS times. Whatever that is will be individual for her. Jennifer calms down and relaxes by taking long baths with a book and a beverage. She also likes escaping to Panera Bread for something medium sinful to eat and fancy coffee and read a book for an hour or so. Or falling asleep on the couch while clutching a book. Whatever the coping strategy is, figure it out in advance together and when the moment comes, you can both remind the other of the plan and put it into action.
I’ve also done the Captain thing and just ordered Jennifer to go away and relax when she’s cranky. Quite often she works too hard and needs to be directed to knock it off and self-care. Given the choice between having a cranky wife all evening and not have sex at bedtime, I’d just rather kick her out of the house for a bit, clean the kitchen and get laid at bedtime.
The classic PS3 vs Wii fake ad on G4TV.
The Wii girl is exactly what I consider to be Alpha for women with the Alpha = Dopamine = Attraction concept.
The PS3 girl is showing a near total lack of Alpha. All her good points count for nothing.
The PS3 girl is actually a better actor and carries the entire sketch. But I want to see the Wii girl in more stuff. (Or should that be less stuff…) Look I don’t makes the rules here, I just report them. Get your body in shape ladies and turn on a little of the Wii girl vibe. Evaluate your results.
Confession: I seriously have watched the video over and over just to see the Wii girl again.
So how do you bump back after 10 years of not even recognizing these fitness tests? I just started reading this blog a few weeks ago. I’m the same as you Athol, I’m a very accommodating person. But now I’m starting to realize how many shit tests I’ve failed. How can I start to dig myself out of the hole I’ve created?
The first step is always to get your physical body together as best you can. That may not sound like directly meeting Fitness Tests, but your physical body is always going to be a major factor in your interaction with your wife. Working out will make you feel better and stronger as a person, and that will radiate from you and affect her response to you as well.
The second step is to just start anywhere in terms of the social interactions between you both. Seriously just anywhere. If you’re in a big hole, anything is going to be an improvement. Pick an area and get started. Stop thinking so much, do something different.
A third area to work on is paying close attention to her tone of voice with you. Very often a Fitness Test involves a perfectly reasonable request, but she makes the request in an unreasonable manner. Whining, nagging, yelling, disdain, contempt, anger, insulting all qualify. Bump the request back to her as “You are yelling/insulting/whining/etc at me, if you are willing to talk to me in a proper tone of voice I will listen to you.” Then you simply ignore the request until such time as she reframes the request politely.
If it’s a reasonable request, and she can ask in a reasonable tone of voice… well you go ahead and help out. You really can still be accommodating to her, but not unless she is also accommodating to you. Jennifer and I both play the “Nice Card” at each other a whole lot. You just can’t play the Nice Card while she plays the Mean Card over and over.
But do not complete tasks for her involving contemptuous tones. And seriously – buy the book. Chapters 10-12 cover these exact issues.
I bought your book. Read it in a couple hours. Great stuff. Really nice way of putting together all the “Game” I’ve been learning from Mystery and Roissy over the past year.
I tried out the 10 second kiss on my ex. She was a poli-sci major, self-proclaimed feminist, president of the student body two years in a row, etc. The first two times, she took me straight into the bedroom. After that, it was like she consciously KNEW what I was up to; she refused. She turned her head away, physically pushed me away, and otherwise prevented me from doing it. Was this a fitness test, and how should I have handled it?
And I’ve since noticed that there are some women who Game works on at first, but then it is like they realize what is happening and inoculate themselves against it, just preventing any opportunity for the maneuvers to happen.
If the 10 second kiss feels staged and you act like it could/should lead immediately to sex, it’s going to feel like manipulation. Try it in a situation where you can’t immediately have sex… like when you’re leaving for work in the morning, or she’s leaving to go somewhere. It’s meant to be a push-pull thing. Ideally you just frame yourself as “a really good kisser” and toss a ten second kiss at her at semi-random.
In this case no, I don’t think it’s a Fitness Test. I suspect your ex just figured out she let herself get suckered in with the ten second kisses twice already, and seeing she’s your ex, she doesn’t want to get pulled back into a relationship with you. Her weak point is the kissing, so she cockblocks you there. I’d take it as a sign that the ten second kisses are extremely effective lol.
Yes women can get wise to game. Especially the pure club/bar thing with routines like The Mystery Method espouses. They can work fantastically on a new girl, but after she’s seen them a couple times she’ll figure out the magic trick and it’s just not that special anymore. Displays of High Value without having Actual High Value only last so long. Actual High Value… like a shit-ton of cash, six-pack abs, social prominence, big house… well they just do their thing in the background and aren’t in your face “LOL I AM PUA”, but they pull just the same.
By all means run routines on a girl, I run stuff on Jennifer all the time… but I don’t do it consciously as a routine planned routine. I lean far further toward Austin Powers than Mystery. It’s not so much a cocky and funny thing I do as a horny and goofy thing. That way if anything totally bombs, I can just play it off as intentionally awkward and throw out a “What’s for dinner?” or “My penis wants to say hi” or something touching like that.
Oh I wandered…
She had her shields up. Don’t push against them as that makes them stronger. The more you try and claw your way in, the harder the shields get to keep you out. Her shields are up because she isn’t feeling comfortable… these are not Bitch Shields, these are Protection Shields. Stop pushing, change the subject, break it up with humor.
Or more simply, reduce your attention to her and walk away and do something else. You’d be surprised at how often they will seek you out after you reduce the pressure.
New Rule: All husbandly boners must be pressed against the wife. There’s not an immediate expectation of sex…