I’m pretty good about handling flirts and compliments. I get the occasional email, Facebook message or picture attachment that are, um… enjoyable, but non-serious. Pivot and parry. No harm, no foul.
But I had a recent one that hit not just one, but two, of my personal kryptonite zones. (And NO I’m not saying what they are! I wasn’t even aware of the second one until she tapped it and I turned to mental jello.)
In all honesty, I got near instantly hooked. I’m no different than the rest, attraction is not a choice. Dopamine will tear me up just like everyone else. I’m not excusing my behavior here, just explaining it. I spent about three days getting drawn in and about three days getting myself pulled out. (And no we didn’t have sex or anything like that.)
Awkward, painful and embarrassing. In my version of the story I had to basically tell her as politely as possible to f off as I’m married. In her version of the story, I basically took it all too seriously and freaked out. Both of which are possibly true. I do tend to lock-on target looking for a firing solution once engaged.
Bleh. I guess I gotta take the pledge.
I am a nice man, not a mindless flirting machine.
If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.
Females are friends, not poon.
See what I mean about attraction not being a choice? Once engaged…. just one bite!
On the bright side, I extracted myself from this episode quickly. Much faster than I have ever managed to untangle myself previously. I was also acutely aware of how quickly my enjoyment of it faded and just siphoned away all my happiness leaving a brooding darkness. I’m Batshit Crazy.
I also couldn’t write. I couldn’t even answer email. I’d just sit at the computer and look at everything pile up in my inbox and walk away. Three days of this crap. Once I pulled the plug on it, everything came back online again. I could write, I cleared the email, I was happy again.
I’ve always been the high stimulation, high libido, one of Jennifer and myself. I’ve always felt like I’ve been holding back and moving at the speed of the slowest. I’ve long had a fantasy that I could easily add a second wife/mistress/girlfriend/f-buddy and that I’ve made a conscious and difficult sacrifice of that sort of thing because Jennifer could never agree to it or handle it. But when the reality seems to be on offer… I become miserable and non-functional, so apparently I don’t really want that. Fantasy destroyed. Who knew?
And I have been holding back. I have been seriously worried that if I was apart from Jennifer for extended periods of time, that I might just fold and do something stupid and wreck what we have. I haven’t trusted me, but maybe I can a little more now. It’s one thing to try and resist what you want, and another to resist what you know you don’t really want. So I guess I’m glad this all happened.
I just have to watch the kryptonite security protocols. Attraction is not a choice. Jennifer has adjusted slightly and made sure to tap one of the areas more frequently and I appreciate that. The second one… well she really has no hope of doing it and that’s okay too. It is after all my problem to solve.
And yes I have been extremely apologetic to Jennifer for the entire mess. I’ll also just be deleting comments devoted to telling me off for my behavior. I’ve already admitted guilt and we’re moving on. The point of the post is “Athol bad but learning”, I just don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not. I struggle with monogamy at times too.
Next post I’ll write about how to perform a Vulcan meditation ritual that will purge romantic feelings from your system and break the hold of dopamine on you. You’ll need a lawnmower for it.