Mess With One of Us, You Mess With Two of Us

Okay ladies and gentlemen, the wife has her two cents…I love my husband very much. I respect him very much for putting this all out there, but there is a limit to the detail that can be divulged to the world at large. There is no more story related to emotional affairs to be shared.

Also, he has said repeatedly that we have both made mistakes. We have acknowledged that and worked through that together. That’s part of why our marriage is so strong. We hoped that by sharing this part of “the story”, people would be helped…but this has now blown all out of proportion and re-stating what has already been said is getting tiresome.

I am not a Stepford Wife…but I am exceedingly, to a fault, easygoing and non-confrontational. That has caused me to not recognize the seriousness of what was going on, and to not state my case and “claim my territory” firmly enough to make an impression. I was a slow learner, but yes now the lesson has been learned.

And as to the “do you ever get angry” part of the question…I get angry with very few people in this world, honestly. I get annoyed with Athol sometimes, as he does with me, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times we’ve yelled at each other (or for that matter the number of times I’ve yelled at anyone).

I don’t let myself be used as a doormat either. I label myself as “easygoing” or “submissive”, but that does not mean I am brainless, have no will or opinion, or am not treated well and loved by my husband.

So yes, I am here, I am backing him up 100%, and I need to say that more often and more publicly (see, the non-confrontational thing I’m working through rears it’s ugly head)  Phew. I think that’s it for now…

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Comments

  1. Pickle says:

    Thumbs up! You two are great role models in showing the rest of the world that tossing in the towel because of a few bumps doesn't have to be an option. No matter what the issue was, you two recognized the importance of working through it. Most people see it as a meal ticket out. That should be commended, not criticized or questioned.

    I love the blog.

  2. Badger says:

    It really pisses me off how ~75% of criticism of Athol's work is transparent projection…like a woman who is such a control freak or so distrustful of her husband she can't possibly imagine her husband leading the family unless she had taken a subservient Stepford role. Or husbands so invested in counterproductive behavioral (or religious) models they can't consider trying the MAP out and instead dismiss it as a con. Or people so skittish and insecure about their sex life they see their own puritanism when they read Athol's estimated count of sexual encounters and tell him "there's more to life than sex."

    The "bitch feminists" in particular can never see an easygoing, non-confrontational woman as anything other than a brainwashed prisoner of suburbia. What they are really displaying is their own addiction to being unhappy and always finding something to complain about.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Totally feeling your pain Jennifer, for some reason unless you are a nagging bitch you are a doormat. When easygoing became a synonymous for slave? If Athol would be the one not talking people would be praising both of you as a enlightened couple, but if is the man the speaker of the household he is oppressing your POV and you need to be freed…so stupid.
    I'm really sorry you were forced by people to speak up.
    S.R.

  4. Terry @ Breathing Grace says:

    Wow, Jennifer, I felt this one deeply! Maybe because I can relate to my easygoing submissive nature being labeled as "doormat."

    You did good to stand up for yourself here but know that not everyone who's read this story viewed you in a negative light.

  5. raggededge says:

    You wrote a book, put it out to the public. Guess what? You are going to get a ton of negative feedback, that's life. Get over it.

  6. Anonymous says:

    you tell them jennifer! :) Stand up and show them whose the boss!

  7. CSPB says:

    Bravo!

    The amount of projection from others is astounding. Life happens. EVERYONE has dealt with unwanted feelings at some point. It is not about having unwanted feelings, it is about actions. Those that throw stones about these things are hypocrites. REAL people deal with them, acknowledge their past failings, learn and move on. Those without perfect lives are the first to cast dispersion on others. It is hilarious. They live in a fantasy world, deny their own imperfections and life experiences by projecting them on others and then dismissing or demonizing others.

    Since they are not happy, they want to convince you that you are not happy, or maybe if you think you are happy, you are being happy in the wrong way. Therefore you must be delusional because if you were an empowered and enlightened woman, you would be smart enough to know you are unhappy.

    Athol (with the essential support of Jennifer) is trying to improve the marriages of others. Many others are trying to counter this endeavor. This makes them feel better. Now who is REALLY delusional?

  8. Anon Husband says:

    Jennifer –

    Athol writes this blog from the perspective of, "this worked for my marriage, it can work for yours." So a lot of us perk up our ears: What's he saying? Could it really help me and my spouse? Hmmm, what's he leaving out?

    This makes us very interested in what things are like, from your point of view. I think that's natural curiosity, and your commentary is going to add or subtract from what Athol says, as the case may be.

    So — thanks for writing, when you decide to do so. It's always appreciated.

    As Badger and CSPB noted above, some people come to the blog/book with a different agenda. They won't see any value in what Athol writes, no matter what. So they'll be looking for reasons to think less of you, as well.

    If you're in the public eye, that's the way it's going to be. I hope it doesn't bother you. If you took a poll, I think the Puritans and dead-end feminists would win the votes of only a small minority of readers (but a larger percentage of loud, highly opinionated readers).

  9. theprivateman says:

    Ah, the haters…

    Projection is indeed a huge part of it. The other part is the political correctness that states that a man's needs are not relevant in the context of an intimate relationship and that a woman who is indeed willing to make a man's life better is somehow a feminist turncoat.

  10. Anonymous says:

    It's clear that this is still painful to you, Jennifer, and that's difficult to read, and that's what's probably provoked a lot of the negative feedback wrt Athol. Women who stay with cheaters (Eliot Spitzer's wife) are looked upon as victims. And I'm afraid, by saying you don't want to talk about it anymore, you've guaranteed it will come up again and again. Every interviewer loves to prod the pain, find the flaw in your logic. One thing I don't get, and from reading the comments, I'm not the only one – if you two were already having sex everyday even during these emotional affairs, how can Athol's Plan be touted as a way to have a happy marriage? Neither one of you seemed to be happy at that painful time.

  11. elhaf says:

    Congrats again to collecting haters. A mark of success.

  12. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 11:02am – we already explained in tremendous detail how the daily sex maintained our relationship through difficult times. Not just this issue, but many others.

    We had one very difficult year out of sixteen. In part the plan came out of the learning experience of that year. It's really not that hard to understand and I've said it over and over.

  13. Mel says:

    I can't begin to thank you for saving my marriage. Six months ago, we were on the verge of divorce, both of us hating the other for various reasons, our sex life was non-existent.

    Then, I found your blog, six months on, we're both happy, back in love again, shagging like rabbits, and it's all down to the advice on these pages. Yes, the advice does mean getting off your backside and making changes but the payoff is well worth it.

    Take yesterday for example, we'd been playing the Captain/Number1 game and I asked her to send me a pic of her in some sexy knickers whilst I was at work. The pics arrived on my phone halfway through the afternoon. She picked me up from work, we had a quick kiss in the car and then headed home. After putting the little ones to bed, I noticed the knickers drying on the radiator, so I asked how come? She told me that after seeing me in my suit and smelling my aftershave when she picked me up, she just became seriously wet to the extent that she had to take them off and wash them. I took the opportunity the check she wasn't wearing a different pair and then took her over the kitchen table there and then!

    What's amazing is things like these are becoming the norm for us, so thanks a million Athol!

    Finally, on the haters, no matter how hard you try, how often you explain, there will always be people for whatever reason will try to bring you down. Nothing you do or say will change their opinion, so just accept it, ignore it and if it ever gets you down, go look at the book sales, have a smile and then go for a shag!

    All the best
    Mel

  14. Anonymous says:

    Seriously,

    Haters are SO annoying along with trolls. The thing that I admire most about this couple is that, no matter what haters say they still keep going. That takes a truly committed couple. What haters seem to forget is that we are all human and what do humans have–opinions! We each have our own way of thinking. Sure I dont agree with the whole submissive thing cause i feel like it makes you weak and stupid and blah blah blah. Am i a feminist? Heck no, they annoy me. Will i ever be submissive to the man i married ? HAHAHAHAHA a submissive woman is a joke, but what i believe is MY opinion just like Athol and Jennifer have THEIR own opinions and everyone else. You shouldn't get mad if their opinions aren't somewhat true. But you know what they say…the truth hurts and will make you angry. But haters' think their opinions are the true ones and no one else is doing stuff right….reality check idiots! Everyone has an opinion and are free to share it as they wish.

    Honestly, their advice and opinions help many people and if your just an hater chances are your marriage sucks but your too stupid to realize that their advice could help you. And if you dont like what Athol and Jenn say then here are some great tips just for you:

    1. Dont look at the blog
    2. Make your own blog and rant cause haters….we dont care
    3. Dont look at the blog
    4. Stfu and go sit somewhere
    5…GET A LIFE
    6-infinity. DONT LOOK AT THE BLOG

    P.S- Notice how i disagree with them but dont hate on them. Maybe haters are stupid. They're doing them and it works. Im doing me and it somewhat-not-really-dont-care works. Haters need to get an effin life.

  15. Mona says:

    I get that I’m crazy late to the party; I just found the blog a few weeks ago, and am in the process of reading the whole thing. I will be buying the book too by the way. I just felt the need to throw my two cents in here. Thank you so much for sharing this painful bit of your history. I too am a very low key, low stimulation, naturally happy in a submissive roll type person. My husband frequently mentions how glad he is that he doesn’t have to deal with the crazy drama he sees so many other women dish out. But, he is a very intense, high stimulation type person. Reading about you has made me really start to think about how I can provide that stimulation he needs in a positive way, so that we don’t end up where you were. Because that could easily be us. The dynamic between you two is so very similar to my husband and I. So thank you for sharing that bit of pain, because I’m sure I am not the only one it’s struck a chord with. Anyone who thinks that your moment of weakness as a couple somehow proves the emphasis on sex doesn’t work has clearly not read much of what’s been written. It’s like saying that water must not be key to survival because you drank gallons of it and still almost starved to death. Anyway, thank you for being willing to put yourselves out there. Ignore the people who don’t get it because…well, they don’t get it, lol.

  16. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks Mona.

  17. Anon says:

    They’re knocking you guys because this book, your wonderful relationship and your knowledge of how to keep your relationship healthy makes you two way more Gamma than all of the rest of us combined. I love the blog. I will be picking up the book and “manipulating” my “doormat” wife too (she’d cut my nuts off if she knew I wrote that…yeah, I need alpha). Keep it up! If you love it and it makes you happy, don’t worry about what others say! Best wishes!

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