Anon 4:46 – The BIG problem in my head is that this is now EVERY time. She used to orgasm with me and now doesn’t. Ever. The pushing away hands happens every time and she acts like it’s a once-in-a-while thing. She can orgasm if I’m in the bedroom, but not if I’m touching her. It’s soul-crushing. I don’t understand why she wants to be married to me. I’m certainly asking myself why I want to be married to her.
Next comment – Maybe she doesn’t know how to help facilitate her own orgasm.
Anon 4:46 – Sure she does. It involves other guys. We had an open relationship. We don’t anymore. She used to orgasm with me, then only with other guys.
Next comment – Open relationship killed yours. Time to get out and move on, she doesn’t respect you that way anymore.
Athol Kay – Anon 4:46am I’m not sure I can help you via comment thread. Email me if you like. Though recovery from your situation sounds very difficult. Give me the whole story.
Good grief the story was long and involved…
There was sexual history mis-match, a tricky vasectomy followed by illness, a sexual shut down, I think medication issue, babies born, him forcing her to swing, then her cheating once, over a decade of shut down and an alpha swinging couple that kicked him out of the bedroom and took over the show with the wife.
It took some unpicking. The swinging had to stop completely – just regard it as an affair thing and punt it from their life. He had to apologize for starting the swinging 14 years ago. He had to call her on the carpet for the cheating 10 years ago and generally stand up for himself. They tried having sex every day for a week, but he stopped it because the sex was so bad. They started counseling together.
He kept the Alpha and Beta stuff coming. But to be honest, it seemed like a lot of baggage and a long road ahead of them.
Then comes email on May 9th…
No no-orgasm-wife no more.
We’ve had lots of great talks. Something I don’t recommend for many guys in marriage crisis. When we got to the point that the both wanted to work on the marriage and were both willing to change things, THEN we could talk about fixing it.
Going from completely betaized, the pendulum HAD to swing too far to the alpha. I don’t think it’s possible to find the happy medium until you’ve been too far. The “master of play” style has worked much better for me than any “jerk bully” type stuff.
Last, I don’t recall you talking much about sexual response patterns. Most guys go from start to orgasm in some sort of smooth curve. Sometimes my wife does too. Much of the time, though, she has a “stair step” sexual response. She goes up and then hits a plateau. (change positions, tactics, approach) She goes up and then hits a plateau.(change positions, tactics, approach) Wash, rinse, repeat. I took this for disinterest until I saw something about it on a Dr. Drew program. Well, last night I took the stairs all the way to the top. Hair pulling started about halfway up the stairs and we finished with her ass-up face-down screaming and pillow biting while holding onto the headboard. So there’s one bit of ignorance banished from our relationship. (Bed will be inspected this morning as it sounded like something gave way.)
I know that this isn’t the end of the road. We still have lots of things to work out in our marriage, but it’s a happy road-sign on the way to where we can both be happy in our 20 year marriage.
In all seriousness, this has been one of the greatest success moments I think I’ve had on the blog. I walked on air for a good two days just thinking about it. I know it’s early days and they have more to go through together, but I know they can make it now.
I emailed him back…
Hi Anon 4:46
Holy crap! Wow! Yes!
That is really good news Anon 4:46 (Ha! how does she like MMSL now?)
Still doesn’t like it. Still works as advertised.
Doesn’t like it? Doesn’t like it? LMAO.
I emailed him back and told him to get started on Chapter 24…