Skeletons In The Sexual History Closet

One of the things that I believe is important in choosing a wife is her having an as uncomplicated as possible sexual history. I also believe that this is important for the man too. For Jennifer and myself that mutual uncomplicated history is part of what eroticises our marriage – we get to go to bed with our first partner each night still. But we met young and got it together quickly, so we’re a little unusual in that respect. Most people have some sort of sexual history prior to their marriage.
The question is though, how much of that sexual history do you reveal to each other before you get married?The obvious concern being that if you tell your fiance something really gnarly they might just freak out and cancel the wedding.
What you tell your fiance will boil down to three categories of truthiness. (1) Reasonable approximations of the truth, (2) lies, and (3) oh shit why did I do that.
(1) Reasonable approximations of the truth would read like a sexual resume where you state your sexual relationship history. So you as a potential wife might say something like:  “From 2004 to 2007 I was with Adam, we broke up at Christmas because he wouldn’t marry me. 2008 I was just kind of a mess and didn’t see anyone apart from a three month mistake with Bill. 2009-2010 I was with Colin, but he cheated on me repeatedly so I broke it off. After that I met you!”
You don’t need to reveal the exact details of the high and low points of the sex with them. Like you cheated on Adam with his best friend for a bit in 2005 but it never got discovered. Bill was married. Colin could make you squirt.
(2) Lies.  Your actual number is 24. Roughly. Not counting just oral… so you say “I’ve had sex with five guys.” That’s Adam, Bill, Colin and two little fling things in college. Oh six… your old high school boyfriend looked you up on Facebook in 2008 and you got together again. No sparks for you, but he was really into it. “The sex was terrible.”
Having a high partner count is damaging to your value as a potential wife, so obviously you have to lie and say six. No.. actually say seven. Just leave the seventh guy as undefined because “it’s just too embarrassing”. That way if someone shows up again in the future and lets slip they had you, you can turn bright red and play the “seven card”. Excellent plan girlfriend, you owe you a margarita for thinking that one up.
(3) Oh shit why did I do that… this is stuff that will possibly be found out during the marriage, that will probably end the marriage or at the very least cause a major relationship crisis. This stuff you need to disclose before things progress further toward the altar. I say this not only because it’s the right thing to do, but because if your relationship implodes because of your lack of disclosure, that affects you.
Some possible issues to disclose…
Any history of sexual diseases. Repeat, any history. They almost all lead to potential infertility issues, especially if you have had multiple STDs in your history. After revealing this, it’s a trip to the GYN doc together to discuss the likelihood of her having children. If he wants kids and it comes out later that your uterus looks like hamburger because of the prior STDs, you can see how that would be a problem. This is need to know information.
Added to the above, any incurable sexual diseases need to be disclosed. And yes, I do need to say that because some people are just evil and don’t say it.
Sex work. Whether it’s that you did porn, stripping or prostitution, that needs to be disclosed. It will find a way to pop back into your life somehow. Far better he knows now, rather than finds out then.
Prior sexual abuse. This one is really awkward for me to talk about because I feel like I’m victimizing the victim again, but I feel I have to go there anyway. In 10-15% of the email I get from men in sexless marriages, the men are married to a woman that had been either raped or sexually abused at some point prior to him. Once married the typical pattern is that their sex life ends extremely quickly, save a few bursts of her sexual interest to become pregnant, before lapsing into nothing again. This is not what the guy signs up for. Sexual abuse and rape is not an automatic rule out of contention, but sexual abuse trauma needs to be dealt with before entering into a lifetime sexual agreement.
Prior pregnancies and their outcomes. Again it’s one of those “Does your uterus look like hamburger?” questions. Did you adopt out? Abort? Miscarriage? These events are major and are a large part of your sexual make up. He needs to know that.
In addition to these sexual history things, it’s best to disclose major non-sexual potential issues as well. Things like a criminal history, major debt, illegal alien status, mental illness all should be discussed.
So yes indeed, disclosure may well take your relationship down now, but at least it only messes you up rather than messes both of you up in the future… and if you actually love him enough to marry him… love him enough to tell him the truth.

And of course all this applies just as well to the guys disclosing the “oh shit why did I do that” stuff to their fiances too. Like you currently have someone else pregnant yada yada yada.

And for the easily offended… yes indeed I do think you should evaluate potential spouses on their ability to push a kid out or get one started. Your mom’s all agree with me too. That’s why they do that baby photo routine with anyone you bring home that they approve of. You being a healthy baby being a fabulous genetic advertisement.

Sexy Move: First Officer Scarf Bondage

Want to experiment with bondage but don’t want to spend cash on handcuffs and whatnot in case you don’t actually like it?
Easy.
Have them lie on their back in the middle of the bed. Then thread a scarf through a gap in the headboard and back out again. Then tell them to hold the ends of the scarf… and not let go.
And there you go; instant bondage. For most people it’s really more of a mental thing related to the power exchange turning them on, than getting turned on by actual restraints. Plus because they are holding the scarf, there is usually an impulse to grip it extremely hard as the sex progresses and the resultant muscle tension is an assistance to coming to orgasm.
Oh and credit Jennifer for this one; and yes I liked it.
Me unable to do anything forces her to become highly active or the sex just doesn’t happen. I happen to like having her writhing all over me. She likes the sense of power and control… and my positive reaction to her.
Hang on, hang on, hang on…
What happened to Captain and First Officer???? Aren’t I meant to be pounding the pussy and rag doll fucking her every night? At least a playful smack on the ass?
Sigh…
No one can be endlessly in charge all day everyday. Plus a requirement of being a First Officer is the capability to be able to step up and act as Captain when needed. I actually texted her earlier in the day that I needed something high stimulation that night… which basically means I’d like to be on the receiving end of some of her writhing.
We’re not wired for me 100% dominance and her 100% submission anyway. Maybe it’s a 85/15 split, so if we want to get 100% enjoyment, at least 15% of the time we’re going to have to be switch-hitting.
So Jennifer was in charge that night and told me what she wanted me to do. Which explains why we finished with one of my hands holding the back of her neck, and the other one pinning her left wrist against the small of her back. And rough. In my defense though… I was just following orders.
Dominance or submission isn’t always black and white. My suggestion is to just ask for what you want sexually first, and figure out whether it was dominance or submission after you have a huge orgasm. Assuming you even care about the question then…

Handjobs During Her Period

Athol,
Here’s a question I was wondering about – maybe you can shed some light with your opinion:
When my wife has her period she does not like to have sex (in fact, she really prefers to be left alone intimacy wise during this time). This is due to both religious reasons as well as just plain not feeling clean.
Anyway, she does offer up handjobs as a replacement.
In effect, I’ll lie there while she takes care of me. Quick, mostly clean, painless for both of us. However, I have struggled for a while with this “compromise”. On the one hand, she is offering to take care of my needs even while she does not want her own stuff taken care off.
On the other hand, it strikes me as beta or worse – like settling for bad sex. Kind’ve like a high school kid getting a quick HJ on the down low before mom and dad get home. Or even her acting like a mother taking care of a child rather then 2 adults sexually getting it on. And we all know that your wife does not want to be your mom. (No, my mom was not giving me HJ’s but i think you get the point here – she sees my “suffering” and offers to relieve it).
Should I man-up here and show her I can handle 7 days or so (she bleeds for about 7 days) without sex. That I don’t need her to take care of me in that way? That there is more in my life then just sex and that I’ll just work out a bit more during that week.
Or is this a sweet compromise on her part and I should roll with it during those times – even if it is less than optimal chandelier swinging sex…?
Thoughts?
Hi there,
She’s being a wonderful wife and half my readers would be jealous of you.
It’s not super amazing sex, but it is consistent and good for you. By “manning-up” and showing her you can handle seven days without her sexually, you’re actually resisting her reaching out to you. I think you’re better off with the force-of-nature approach where you do need her help. If you repeatedly prove you can go a week without sexual interaction with her, you can probably go a month. Or a year… see what direction you don’t want to force things in?
What I suspect you are feeling is slightly understimulated by the handjobs though. Try having her kissing you as you come to orgasm. Have her tie your hands to the headboard and make it a little more teasing. Have her lie on her back with you hands and knees over her and cum on her breasts. Ask her to find your prostate. Toss in a vibrating cock ring with the handjob. Experiment with different lotions to use.
Kiss her afterwards. Long and deep.
In anycase… most men don’t get squat during her period. It’s a fairly bulletproof defense on her part if she doesn’t want anything sexual with you. So I think she’s being sweet to you.
Anyway, I don’t think you’re being Beta for having handjobs during her period, I think that set up is more Alpha. After all it’s all about your sexual needs and not about hers. What is more Beta though is getting all in your head and worrying about whether it’s Beta.
Don’t wait for her to offer it though. Ask for it and be more engagingly playful around the whole thing.
Athol

Don’t Wait

The last time mum and dad visited us in Connecticut, we had a trip down to the indoor kart track in Wallingford. It’s a nice facility and we shelled out the cash, sat through the inane driver instruction video and got started.
Tight track, winding through tires piled five high. The first race dad just edged me out by a tenth of a second. Fair enough and only to be expected, he’s the one thats actually done motorsport from well before I was a baby, so he’s Ayrton Senna as far as I’m concerned.
The second race he got quicker taking another two-tenths off his lap time. But I was faster still and just nipped him for the win by a tenth of a second. I do remember he had a visible reaction to the lap times like he’d been given a nasty set of labwork results. When you do International Masters karting and your kid that doesn’t even have a kart beats you, it’s unpleasant.
I don’t really remember what I said to him then, but I do remember I was rude.
Buy Me!

You’d Really Leave Jennifer?

Random questions…
Are you saying you would leave Jennifer if she didn’t orgasm from your tongue/hands/dick?  What if Jennifer were a surgeon working 12 hour days 6 days a week and she said her intense work schedule kills her libido?  You would leave her?
If Jennifer were a 12 hour day 6 days a week person, that would be something she was actively choosing. Which means choosing not to be sexually available to me. Leave? Quite possibly. But I might just cheat in that situation as well. I’d get so lonely and horny I couldn’t take it. Just being honest.
If it was something she wasn’t choosing, I would struggle through as long as I could. Years most likely, but I have my limits. Call me a fragile male ego, but I need to see a woman respond to me to be happy. The nights where she declines orgasm almost without exception fall into the bottom 25% of quality of sexual experiences together. I still take the cookie of course, but it’s just not going to make the highlight reel.
I’m pretty much focused on keeping the containment fields up so I concentrate on sex with just Jennifer. It’s hard sometimes.  There’s also a public safety concern as well, if I lost Jennifer the resultant shockwave would cause all the women in a 300 yard radius to become pregnant.
I do love her.
I had thought about adding regarding vasectomy, that should I be stuck on a desert island with a beautiful woman… I’m not sure I could be trusted with a gun that shoots blanks! :)
OMG Seriously. I’d start shooting everyone…
Jennifer and I have talked about it actually. I’m just a force of nature and I know I would fold.
When I came to see Dad before he died last year we debated whether to just send me, or us, or all four of us…
…I was just like… “um… prostitution is legal in New Zealand.”  :-/
So we all came. I probably wouldn’t have actually used one, but I would have spent 87.3% of my total mental energy on not using one. Which isn’t much of a vacation really.
It must have been quite a decision to unveil yours and Jennifer’s sex life in detail.  Somebody needs to, but the reluctance to go first is pretty basic.
There’s an element of difficulty about revealing our sex life, but it’s not too crazy really. We’ve made some missteps over the years, but not terrible failures, so there’s not really major skeletons in the closet to worry about.
As it turns out though, it’s not actually the skeletons in your closet that matter. In fact I think they are actually something comforting for people to latch onto and bitch about and propel you to greater fame. Look at Eliot Spitzer – he’s got a talk show now which is by all accounts a more fun job and better paid than being governor of New York.
What seems to happen is people project onto you their fears and anger about sex and react to that. So there’s not too much way to counter that.
Athol thank you for saving my marriage and getting me laid again. Everything was a complete shambles before you came along and put me straight. I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done. Can I take a minute to explain how God has a wonderful plan for your life?
I’m frightened that I might have given you the ability to successfully breed.
Athol I know you are an atheist now, but you have a Christian background and so much of what you write about is Biblical. You just say it with more courage than the feminized church does. You’re clearly helping people and doing God’s Work. I know you’ve said you were angry for a long time about church etc. If you ever want to talk or debate things I’d love to do that with you.
Thank you, I do appreciate your interest and your good intentions for me. I take the whole “God’s Work” thing as a sincere compliment. Truly. I am quite flattered by it.
However in terms of any religion, I simply don’t care anymore or have time to debate it. I’ve basically decided that this MMSL project is going to be my life’s work, and that’s about it. My only concern with religious belief, or lack thereof, is whether that helps or hinders my goal of saving marriages and making people have more enjoyable sexual lives together. I work with everyone.
I am just done with thinking, and am a man of action. I no longer have any interest in what comes out of most peoples mouths, the only real message of interest to me is what they do. I thought quite heavily for the first half of my life and I intend to be far more active for the second half of my life.
human being is just lazy and contributes nothing. Be a human doing. God tires of your prayers, nagging is not a spiritual gift. I thought faith was a verb… an action… it’s funny how shit falls into place when you start actively working on something. How many miracles do you think you need, before you do what you’re supposed to do?
Dammit, I’m preaching.
 

Fantasy Football Guys Need To Get Laid Too

I discover the book is getting discussed on a fantasy football forum

After that I try to reach out to them and speak in a language the football guys will understand…

If the book was a book about coaching football…

Part 1
Alpha stuff = explaining basic offense
Beta stuff = explaining basic defense

Part 2
I cover basic conditioning, training drills and explain each postion on the team.

Part 3
Teach an easy but functional play book you can use right out of the gate.

Part 4
Talk about how to coach a team without turning it into a fiasco by doing something stupid.

Except it’s not a book about coaching football, but about getting laid and having a functional, productive marriage. Doesn’t work for everyone like a magic bullet, but seems to do the trick for most. You’ll spend more on gas driving to marriage counseling than the book costs. Mostly because you’re in separate cars.

Like all forums though, there are whiny trolls who cannot be silenced despite 4-6 guys in the thread saying the book is teh awesome…

Troll Persons 20th comment:  “Go to Amazon.com. Search in books “men” “self help” “marriage” “sex” etc etc. Tell me how many results you get. What makes this guy’s ideas better than the rest?”

Very Next Poster: “PEOPLE ARE GETTING LAID LIKE TILE.”

Troll Persons 21th and final comment: “I sit corrected.”

Anyway, I gotta confess, I know nothing about football other than it’s something like Rugby for Betas.

In New Zealand, Sparta plays in the second division.

Here to Stay

Please subsitute “big swinging dick” for “girl” in the lyrics.

Thanks for all the support over the last 24 hours.

One Step Back

Today was a disappointing day. Despite being extremely pragmatic in my view of human behavior, I came across a new low for people.
People actually complained to our employer about the Inside Edition piece.
Married monogamous couple kissing on TV. How that is offensive is beyond me. America is fail.
We have three responses to this:
(1) We unfortunately now have to decline any mass media related things in Connecticut. The book is doing well, but not quite that well that we can both quit our jobs. We also don’t hate our jobs or our employer, it’s just stupidly awkward.
(2) The blog is now behind the annoying adult content warning.
(3) Should anyone ever complain to our employer again, it will be because you have actively sought us out, have actively tried to be offended, and actively sought to damage us. As such, we will actively seek to recoup any lost income from you. Jennifer’s legal connections in the GLBT human rights community are quite spectacular. They will probably actively enjoy our case too.
We will be continuing what we do here.

Why Monogamy When I Can Bang Everyone (Hopefully)

Hi, Athol -
I have a question for you. On your blog you describe three key biological subsystems related to interpersonal attraction – the dopamine subsystem (related to ‘in love’ attraction), the (male) vasopressin subsystem (related to pair bonding), and the… sex drive subsystem (related to sexual desire). Since these three subsystems are not within our conscious control, or we at least exercise only limited control over them (e.g., choosing not to see someone anymore, choosing to do things with our partner that enhances pair bonding, etc.), and since these three subsystems need not be synchronized, what, in your view, justifies choosing monogamous marriage?
For example, rather than choose to marry and remain faithful to one woman, why should I not choose one woman with whom I can pair bond over the long term (satisfying for me, that need for a ‘special’ someone, that ‘you’ to whom I will always remain loyal no matter what), range freely among women who fire up my dopamine subsystem, and have sex with as many women as are willing, provided (as conscience dictates) I never deceive any of them about my activities and intentions?
(Jennifer: Ah I see where your flaw is already, you need a woman to go along with that!)
Would this arrangement not correspond better to my biological constitution than monogamous marriage, which by its nature forces me to constantly adapt, to the best of my limited ability, three, independently functioning biological subsystems to one person? The only objection I can imagine is that individualism is not the formula for a soundly functioning society. Even there, however – I’m not sure I care. I’m going to die some day and I want to be happy in the meantime. Interested to know your thoughts.
Right now I am a single, unmarried man. I crush constantly. My sex drive is not selective – all that is required, as you say, a warm, willing, and proximal vagina (gets me fired up just thinking about it). I also feel a raging need to pair bond with someone, to form a foundational relationship with someone who will be my constant in all things. There you go – the three subsystems. I can’t remember the last time they worked in harmony. And the thought of taking one woman to the exclusion of all other possibilities, never permitting myself, after marriage, to pursue, if only for a time, an option that blazes with all the fleeting and facile glory of a life that is never more than fleeting anyway, never allowing myself to go where happiness is easily found when it is otherwise hard to find happiness – how on earth does a man make such a choice in a world that is more permissive now than it ever was of conjugal options?
Please let me know your thoughts,
Hi D
this is a non-simple question, but a very good one.
As you can probably divine, a perfectly functional relationship can work just fine with a oxytocin/vasopressin and testosterone base. Truly two out of three isn’t bad. That’s a functional, enjoyable, relaxed, intimate and sexual. The role of dopamine is to lure you into a relationship like that.
Once in that relationship, the dopamine will drop off a bit, which sounds bad, but is actually a good thing because it really is impossible to endlessly sustain a very high dopamine state without exhausting yourself with courting behaviors. Specially once you mate and have children, the parents endlessly crushing on each other isn’t in the best interests of their gene transmission… so they start calming down and loving the kids etc.
What I suspect happens though, is every so often, your body surveys your environment and looks for the best possible person for a sex partnership with to make a new baby. Your current partner has some advantages in this in that they are proximal and already involved with you. Whoever your body selects as the best possible partner, you body hits you with a blast of dopamine. So if your wife comes top of the list, you can get a crush on her again, if someone else tops the list, you crush on them.
The reason you are crushing on everyone now, is because you don’t have a current relationship capable of effectively creating a full mating partnership. So your body is pounding you with dopamine to go find a woman to basically get pregnant. Once you’re in that relationship, the dopamine will calm down a bit eventually.
Over the very long term of failing to develop a pair bond, and especially if you have had a very high number of short term relationships and hook ups, I suspect that your body adapts to your strategy and diminishes your own vasopressin response as a protective mechanism. In more plain English – if you fuck everyone under the sun, you’ll eventually lose your ability to feel anything deeply emotionally connective about the opposite sex. After a certain point, players can’t really have a deep relationship. They have literally trained their bodies not to attach to the other person during sex. This is incidentally why you don’t want to marry a woman with a very high partner count… she simply won’t attach to you the same way a lower partner count woman will. They may scream that it’s slut-shaming to say that, but I just don’t care. There’s no good reason to risk marrying a woman that can’t attach to you properly. In other news – I don’t buy rotten fruit in the supermarket either.
You’re also missing a critical piece of the puzzle in your master plan for a pair bond + fun. Her.
You’re assuming that she would be down with all this running about getting some on the side; she won’t be. If she is, she isn’t really all that concerned about you. Which means you don’t really have the pair bond you may like to think you have.
Plus while you’re running about getting some on the side, so might she. You’ll want to paternity test the kids she has. That’s not a joke I’m making.
All that being said… I hear you. Monogamy isn’t natural. We are designed to have a primary pair bond, and sneak opportunistic sex with other partners. Monogamy is a sexual strategy and is for the majority of men, a winning strategy. Only the very highest cohort of males and all females benefit from a non-monogamy free-for-all culture. The free-for-all is designed to cut most men out of having sex entirely.
 

Trust In God But Tie Up Your Camel

I have many readers that are Christians and have had a variant on the below email several times now. The topic of the blog is marriage, but as full disclosure I am an atheist, so you may take from this what you will.
I’m thinking more strategically now – and working out regularly. I’m trying to be relentless about checking anything that could be construed as a lack of confidence – and trying to not wear my emotions on my sleeve as much as I do. I feel I do need to project a cheerful strength more: in dealing with the kids, in brushing off rejection like its no big thing (instead of trying to psychologize her, etc), in more eagerly and vigorously taking on home improvement tasks (in the past: I’d rather read a history book…)

Not sure the MAP as you put it will work for me, as its sink or swim. I don’t think I could ever leave my wife. I’m a Christian, and I don’t even want to think that way (not being a chump here: its almost 100% certain my wife would not leave me either) – God is either going to answer my prayers, or I’m just going to be miserable (though I’m thinking things can certainly improve).
Being Christian does complicate things in running The MAP. I was a Christian so do completely get the framework that you are working from.
By being a committed Christian you are hampered in doing what I suggest. For sure you can do most of it, but when push comes to shove, I think you forcing the issue to a divorce for a lack of sex in the marriage is against Christian beliefs. Which by my approach means you have essentially declawed yourself as you have no ultimate threat to reach for. Oneitis is divinely mandated.
Hopefully though, because she is a Christian too, she has taken on board the divine mandate of staying married as well. So she’s declawed as well… so hopefully it’s an even balance as she is required to have Oneitis as well.
But then being mandated does nothing to get the juices going between her legs either. It doesn’t make either one of you want the other sexually… all that needs to come from attraction and comfort building. So the MAP does work for that.
However…
Regardless of a perceived sin/heaven/hell/immoral consequence… your marriage is an earthly legal construct and there can be earthly consequences for failing to continue to attract your wife. I’ve seen “good people” of all religious viewpoints, or lack thereof, turn absolutely feral on their spouse when they come into contact with someone that actually does attract them.
So despite having lived a life of faith, you may one day find yourself dealing with an unfaithful situation.
I believe you are foolish to rely on a shared religious framework to maintain and justify the continuation of your marriage forever. Shared beliefs certainly do provide a positive influence on your marriage, but there are other influences to account for as well. If you are a husband, you must to some degree actively continue to court her for the entirety of the marriage… or risk its failure.
So if you believe, by all means trust in God.  But also work out, make good money and when she is ovulating… hit it like you mean it.
There was once a man who was on his way back home from market with his camel and, as he’d had a good day, he decided to stop at a mosque along the road and offer his thanks to God.
He left his camel outside and went in with his prayer mat and spent several hours offering thanks to Allah, praying and promising that he’d be a good Muslim in the future, help the poor and be an upstanding pillar of his community.
When he emerged it was already dark and lo and behold – his camel was gone!
He immediately flew into a violent temper and shook his fist at the sky, yelling:
“You traitor, Allah! How could you do this to me? I put all my trust in you and then you go and stab me in the back like this!”
A passing sufi dervish heard the man yelling and chuckled to himself.
“Listen,” he said, “Trust God but, you know, tie up your camel.”