Fantasy Football Guys Need To Get Laid Too

I discover the book is getting discussed on a fantasy football forum

After that I try to reach out to them and speak in a language the football guys will understand…

If the book was a book about coaching football…

Part 1
Alpha stuff = explaining basic offense
Beta stuff = explaining basic defense

Part 2
I cover basic conditioning, training drills and explain each postion on the team.

Part 3
Teach an easy but functional play book you can use right out of the gate.

Part 4
Talk about how to coach a team without turning it into a fiasco by doing something stupid.

Except it’s not a book about coaching football, but about getting laid and having a functional, productive marriage. Doesn’t work for everyone like a magic bullet, but seems to do the trick for most. You’ll spend more on gas driving to marriage counseling than the book costs. Mostly because you’re in separate cars.

Like all forums though, there are whiny trolls who cannot be silenced despite 4-6 guys in the thread saying the book is teh awesome…

Troll Persons 20th comment:  “Go to Search in books “men” “self help” “marriage” “sex” etc etc. Tell me how many results you get. What makes this guy’s ideas better than the rest?”


Troll Persons 21th and final comment: “I sit corrected.”

Anyway, I gotta confess, I know nothing about football other than it’s something like Rugby for Betas.

In New Zealand, Sparta plays in the second division.

One Step Back

Today was a disappointing day. Despite being extremely pragmatic in my view of human behavior, I came across a new low for people.
People actually complained to our employer about the Inside Edition piece.
Married monogamous couple kissing on TV. How that is offensive is beyond me. America is fail.
We have three responses to this:
(1) We unfortunately now have to decline any mass media related things in Connecticut. The book is doing well, but not quite that well that we can both quit our jobs. We also don’t hate our jobs or our employer, it’s just stupidly awkward.
(2) The blog is now behind the annoying adult content warning.
(3) Should anyone ever complain to our employer again, it will be because you have actively sought us out, have actively tried to be offended, and actively sought to damage us. As such, we will actively seek to recoup any lost income from you. Jennifer’s legal connections in the GLBT human rights community are quite spectacular. They will probably actively enjoy our case too.
We will be continuing what we do here.

Why Monogamy When I Can Bang Everyone (Hopefully)

Hi, Athol -
I have a question for you. On your blog you describe three key biological subsystems related to interpersonal attraction – the dopamine subsystem (related to ‘in love’ attraction), the (male) vasopressin subsystem (related to pair bonding), and the… sex drive subsystem (related to sexual desire). Since these three subsystems are not within our conscious control, or we at least exercise only limited control over them (e.g., choosing not to see someone anymore, choosing to do things with our partner that enhances pair bonding, etc.), and since these three subsystems need not be synchronized, what, in your view, justifies choosing monogamous marriage?
For example, rather than choose to marry and remain faithful to one woman, why should I not choose one woman with whom I can pair bond over the long term (satisfying for me, that need for a ‘special’ someone, that ‘you’ to whom I will always remain loyal no matter what), range freely among women who fire up my dopamine subsystem, and have sex with as many women as are willing, provided (as conscience dictates) I never deceive any of them about my activities and intentions?
(Jennifer: Ah I see where your flaw is already, you need a woman to go along with that!)
Would this arrangement not correspond better to my biological constitution than monogamous marriage, which by its nature forces me to constantly adapt, to the best of my limited ability, three, independently functioning biological subsystems to one person? The only objection I can imagine is that individualism is not the formula for a soundly functioning society. Even there, however – I’m not sure I care. I’m going to die some day and I want to be happy in the meantime. Interested to know your thoughts.
Right now I am a single, unmarried man. I crush constantly. My sex drive is not selective – all that is required, as you say, a warm, willing, and proximal vagina (gets me fired up just thinking about it). I also feel a raging need to pair bond with someone, to form a foundational relationship with someone who will be my constant in all things. There you go – the three subsystems. I can’t remember the last time they worked in harmony. And the thought of taking one woman to the exclusion of all other possibilities, never permitting myself, after marriage, to pursue, if only for a time, an option that blazes with all the fleeting and facile glory of a life that is never more than fleeting anyway, never allowing myself to go where happiness is easily found when it is otherwise hard to find happiness – how on earth does a man make such a choice in a world that is more permissive now than it ever was of conjugal options?
Please let me know your thoughts,
Hi D
this is a non-simple question, but a very good one.
As you can probably divine, a perfectly functional relationship can work just fine with a oxytocin/vasopressin and testosterone base. Truly two out of three isn’t bad. That’s a functional, enjoyable, relaxed, intimate and sexual. The role of dopamine is to lure you into a relationship like that.
Once in that relationship, the dopamine will drop off a bit, which sounds bad, but is actually a good thing because it really is impossible to endlessly sustain a very high dopamine state without exhausting yourself with courting behaviors. Specially once you mate and have children, the parents endlessly crushing on each other isn’t in the best interests of their gene transmission… so they start calming down and loving the kids etc.
What I suspect happens though, is every so often, your body surveys your environment and looks for the best possible person for a sex partnership with to make a new baby. Your current partner has some advantages in this in that they are proximal and already involved with you. Whoever your body selects as the best possible partner, you body hits you with a blast of dopamine. So if your wife comes top of the list, you can get a crush on her again, if someone else tops the list, you crush on them.
The reason you are crushing on everyone now, is because you don’t have a current relationship capable of effectively creating a full mating partnership. So your body is pounding you with dopamine to go find a woman to basically get pregnant. Once you’re in that relationship, the dopamine will calm down a bit eventually.
Over the very long term of failing to develop a pair bond, and especially if you have had a very high number of short term relationships and hook ups, I suspect that your body adapts to your strategy and diminishes your own vasopressin response as a protective mechanism. In more plain English – if you fuck everyone under the sun, you’ll eventually lose your ability to feel anything deeply emotionally connective about the opposite sex. After a certain point, players can’t really have a deep relationship. They have literally trained their bodies not to attach to the other person during sex. This is incidentally why you don’t want to marry a woman with a very high partner count… she simply won’t attach to you the same way a lower partner count woman will. They may scream that it’s slut-shaming to say that, but I just don’t care. There’s no good reason to risk marrying a woman that can’t attach to you properly. In other news – I don’t buy rotten fruit in the supermarket either.
You’re also missing a critical piece of the puzzle in your master plan for a pair bond + fun. Her.
You’re assuming that she would be down with all this running about getting some on the side; she won’t be. If she is, she isn’t really all that concerned about you. Which means you don’t really have the pair bond you may like to think you have.
Plus while you’re running about getting some on the side, so might she. You’ll want to paternity test the kids she has. That’s not a joke I’m making.
All that being said… I hear you. Monogamy isn’t natural. We are designed to have a primary pair bond, and sneak opportunistic sex with other partners. Monogamy is a sexual strategy and is for the majority of men, a winning strategy. Only the very highest cohort of males and all females benefit from a non-monogamy free-for-all culture. The free-for-all is designed to cut most men out of having sex entirely.

Trust In God But Tie Up Your Camel

I have many readers that are Christians and have had a variant on the below email several times now. The topic of the blog is marriage, but as full disclosure I am an atheist, so you may take from this what you will.
I’m thinking more strategically now – and working out regularly. I’m trying to be relentless about checking anything that could be construed as a lack of confidence – and trying to not wear my emotions on my sleeve as much as I do. I feel I do need to project a cheerful strength more: in dealing with the kids, in brushing off rejection like its no big thing (instead of trying to psychologize her, etc), in more eagerly and vigorously taking on home improvement tasks (in the past: I’d rather read a history book…)

Not sure the MAP as you put it will work for me, as its sink or swim. I don’t think I could ever leave my wife. I’m a Christian, and I don’t even want to think that way (not being a chump here: its almost 100% certain my wife would not leave me either) – God is either going to answer my prayers, or I’m just going to be miserable (though I’m thinking things can certainly improve).
Being Christian does complicate things in running The MAP. I was a Christian so do completely get the framework that you are working from.
By being a committed Christian you are hampered in doing what I suggest. For sure you can do most of it, but when push comes to shove, I think you forcing the issue to a divorce for a lack of sex in the marriage is against Christian beliefs. Which by my approach means you have essentially declawed yourself as you have no ultimate threat to reach for. Oneitis is divinely mandated.
Hopefully though, because she is a Christian too, she has taken on board the divine mandate of staying married as well. So she’s declawed as well… so hopefully it’s an even balance as she is required to have Oneitis as well.
But then being mandated does nothing to get the juices going between her legs either. It doesn’t make either one of you want the other sexually… all that needs to come from attraction and comfort building. So the MAP does work for that.
Regardless of a perceived sin/heaven/hell/immoral consequence… your marriage is an earthly legal construct and there can be earthly consequences for failing to continue to attract your wife. I’ve seen “good people” of all religious viewpoints, or lack thereof, turn absolutely feral on their spouse when they come into contact with someone that actually does attract them.
So despite having lived a life of faith, you may one day find yourself dealing with an unfaithful situation.
I believe you are foolish to rely on a shared religious framework to maintain and justify the continuation of your marriage forever. Shared beliefs certainly do provide a positive influence on your marriage, but there are other influences to account for as well. If you are a husband, you must to some degree actively continue to court her for the entirety of the marriage… or risk its failure.
So if you believe, by all means trust in God.  But also work out, make good money and when she is ovulating… hit it like you mean it.
There was once a man who was on his way back home from market with his camel and, as he’d had a good day, he decided to stop at a mosque along the road and offer his thanks to God.
He left his camel outside and went in with his prayer mat and spent several hours offering thanks to Allah, praying and promising that he’d be a good Muslim in the future, help the poor and be an upstanding pillar of his community.
When he emerged it was already dark and lo and behold – his camel was gone!
He immediately flew into a violent temper and shook his fist at the sky, yelling:
“You traitor, Allah! How could you do this to me? I put all my trust in you and then you go and stab me in the back like this!”
A passing sufi dervish heard the man yelling and chuckled to himself.
“Listen,” he said, “Trust God but, you know, tie up your camel.”