Had like 3-4 “should she read the book?” emails in the last two days. Here’s one of them.
I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for some time now, and just recently got the book and started reading it. Even though I’m not married, I am in a LTR of 7 months, and already things have gone downhill, so I’m hoping the book will help bring it back to life. We haven’t had sex for close to a month now, her reasons being too exhausted and stressed from the new job, and not being comfortable with her own body as she’s gained a little weight since we started dating. Even though that may be partly true as she works long hours, I suspect the real reason is my greatly increased “betatude” in the last few months.
My question to you is – should I tell her about the book and give it to her to read once I’m done, as I think it would help her shed some light on her own behaviour as well, or would that be a bad idea and make me look even more beta in her eyes (the fact that I need to read a book to figure out how to re-ignite the spark). I’m 25 and she’s 21, although she acts much more mature than that, if it makes a difference. Looking forward to your answer, and to finishing the book of course!
I think the sooner you address the low sex thing the better. That stuff never fixes itself. Basically if you are 25 and 21, you really should be having sex together like rabbits. It’s decidedly not normal to have the sex dry up at your age.
Yes tiredness can play a part in things, but there’s always something you can do together. I suspect the “too tried”, “too stressed” ,”too fat” lines are just generic Rationalization Hamster stuff to avoid sex with you.
Bring up the whole issue head on and say we seem to have an attraction issue happening here and I’m going to do my best to address it. I’ve started reading this book and I’m going to try out some different things with you. I’m just asking for a sympathetic hearing to my attempts to change. You might like to read the book as well to see what they are.
Women really seem to like reading the book. Even some quite feminist women have read it and suddenly gone “OMG I want to be First Officer!” So you never know what she might respond to. Maybe she really likes the texting stuff, or dirty talk in bed, hair pulling or spanking. The 10 second kiss thing is a lock for everyone.
I’ve had email from couples that actually openly talk about “that was an alpha point for you”, “that was a beta point you just earned”. The common language can help as women like to be gamed.
Though I do warn you… if she reads the book, she will watch you very closely indeed to see whether or not you are following through on things in a general sense. If you are, it’s all good. If you aren’t, then get ready to be dumped.
Also she might accidentally think that you are mentally getting ready to walk down the aisle because of the title of the book. Suggest you just smack that down immediately. “If we can’t address this somehow now, I don’t think we’ll be in a relationship much longer anyway. It’s a book, not a proposal.”
Absolutely do not marry anyone that you are having a bad sex life with. Never ever. Just don’t do it. You’d be better off if you instead gave her all your credit cards, a two day head start and started peeing on a police car.
Also as a caveat… I am selling the book, so my advice on the use of the book isn’t really to be trusted. I’ll probably tell you to buy a book for each of you or something like that. It also makes a great paperweight, fly swatter, fire starter and chew toy for medium sized dogs. Seriously, it only does everything. You can even wipe your ass with it but you don’t really want to risk a paper cut down there.