Talking Herself Into First Officer

(This is all the same reader by the way… in a sort of Stream-of-Hamster-Consciousness…)
I Think your missing the bigger picture in this question. As a wife in this situation it’s not the lack of sex so much as the sex I get when I do get it. I’m a 4-7 times a week kinda girl. My dh is a 2-3 times a week guy. I’m also 13 yrs younger. I would be alright with 3 times a week if it was come up behind me, grind a hard cock against my ass, throw me on the bed and fuck me sore sex. Then I don’t think I would mind a slight pause in between. The problem is my dh will do me every other day. Sometimes everyday. IF I ASK. If I do all the dirty work. If I approach him if I blow him. Yadda yadda. So is allota ok sex better than really good sometimes sex. Not for me. What I miss, What I’m craving is the pursuit. I want to feel wanted. Not humored. There are times when I’m horny and I approach, am given the green light and then almost lose interest as I know that I have to fondle for 5 mins the suck another 5 before he’s even ready. It’s routine. It’s boring. It’s not hot. So what do I do? I don’t want a vibrator (have one) but that’s not what I’m looking for. For me the suggestion of have him just not cum half the time seems…. Like I might as well just use the shower head. I think that alot of the women who ask you this question are not seeking the sex as much as the chase. Or lack off
I doesn’t matter if it’s once a day or once a week (I’ve tried this) it’s the same level of interest either way. I dont keep him limp all the time, mostly when I’m ovulating Im just extra horny and like it 24/7 ;)
On average I’d say were a 3-4/wk couple. I said if I ASK I can get some everyday. Not that I do ask everyday. I’m trim. Long hair. Look nice. Wear the thongs he likes. So what else do I do? Because ur blog is all about giving ur man all the sex he want and things will be awesome. But what if all the sex HE WANTS is less than I want? I do all the things as far a my appearance goes that I can do. So what next? ( I know that tone doesn’t come across so well in writing, I’m not trying to be snarky, I really do want to know) because I tolerate the lack of sex as I very much love my husband. But I am not happy about it. I think my husband is hot. I want him. Alot. So what gives? I’ve done the back of and let him approach. Doesn’t work. He will approach me. But once a week. Seriously Athol would u be good with once a week?
Oh and as far as the suggestion above. I don’t get the point. For me one of the greatest parts of sex is satisfying my partner. Of having that together. And doubt he would go for that anyway. I’ve asked for him to just “do me” on occasion and he thinks that is selfish on my part. That he should be included or I should wait.
Never mind. Scratch that while post above. I think I may have figured out the problem. I was just re-reading the part where I say my husband would do it if I asked. That pretty much sums up our relationship. I think I’m testing here. I’m waiting for him to push back. My husband is great and will do pretty much WHATEVER I ask. This is the problem. I think I’m using sex as an issue to get him to man it up elsewhere. Maybe I don’t want him to half- hard dick me. I just want him to say ” not tonight. I let u know when u deserve it” ( or something like that) that would be hot. Holy shit Athol ur a genius. LMFAO. U don’t even know how many blogs and sites I’ve been to trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong and what to do about it and sex wasn’t even the real issue in the first place. So next step is buy book-leave it on nightstand ;)
Can you make this a post? I think it woild really help other women I’m my same situation. I literally just had an epiphany above. I knew something was off I just didn’t know what it was let alone how to articulate it. My husband is too beta for me. I just didn’t realize it. So I used this issue because I genuinely thought this was the problem. It is not. For me one of the most alpha traits i can think of it a caveman like throw me down, pull my hair and smack my ass move. But what I’m really wanting is just a little more alpha in general. It’s not the sex. It was just the easiest fix for the problem that I didn’t even know was there. If my dh threw in a few of the moves I said above it would probly quench my alpha thirst and things would roll more smoothly. But just the same if he alpha’d up elsewhere i bet I would perfectly fine with the sex were having now. My dh is a stay at home dad and I work. I tend to take the leadership role out of default. I DON’T WANT it! I don’t want my husband to do whatever I say. I don’t want my husband to do things just to appease me. I want him to say what he wants and be firm about it. I don’t want all the power it’s exausting. I would rather be the one at home but it just didn’t play out that way. Ok. Sorry for the multiple comments. I’ll go shut my mouth n read now ;)
See what I did there?

No, me neither.
 

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Comments

  1. B says:

    I love this thought process. Her epiphany surprised me. It does highlight that sex isn't everything in the relationship, even though that's what usually goes wrong.

    I hope that leaving the book lying around works.

    Bought your pdf, Athol, even though I have zero time to read it right now. Why is it half price?!

    – Bhetti

  2. Athol Kay says:

    Half price because I was fiddling with things and misclicked lol. You are a well timed lucky duck!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Wow. I didn't think you would actually post this :)
    You really don't get what you did? I've been a lurker on this blog for about a month and have read about half of it. I was very excited when you announce you would be doing a girl game feature. The mainreason I want to share this is because if you read between the line of the first two posts I'm basically saying my husband isn't being alpha enough for me. I realize now it's wasnt sex or quantity of sex that was bothering me. The reason I always wanted more sex is because the type of sex we were having was very soft and slow and sweet. What I was wanting was something more rough and dirty. More alpha. The reason I was so focused on the bedroom was because I honestly didn't even realize that I was seeking more alpha in general. And I really think if I was not the captian In Our relationship I would be happier. I would much prefer the second In command position. Im not naturally a leader type personality. What you did by putting up this blog that I've been reading is help me understand that it wouldn't have mattered if we have sex everyday twice a day. It wouldn't have fixed the problem. I think that some of the comments to the other girl game posts regarding "how to I get my husband to do the laundry/trash/have a conversation are the same thing just the other end of the spectrum. These women are saying how do I get my husband to do more beta comfort building with me. For the most part you've already answered those questions. You have to reward behavior you like and not the behavior you don't. I guess girl games isn't all that different to the guy game. Most of the reading here applies to both.
    Anyway. I just wanted to let you know what you did ;)

  4. hans says:

    Congrats anon-wifey on having the capacity for such an introspective epiphany. And hopefully the will to not find a "better alpha" by spreading for the next best thug that treats you like shit.
    A weak behavior that most women confuse with actual alpha status.

    Now comes the hard part, namely trying to break out your typical white-knight feminist beta hubby out of this pussy-pedestaling mindset he´s been for his whole life brainwashed into.
    Good luck on that, hopefully your "old dog" can learn new tricks.

  5. Athol Kay says:

    Anon – I'm teasing you :-)

    Hans – Why not hope the book manages that inside a week?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Hans. Um thanks I think…
    I'm not and never planned on leaving my husband or "spreading" for anyone else. For the most I think anyone reading up on how to fix their marriage is not looking for the door.
    My husband wasn't always this way either. We have two small children and when they were born I was the one with the better job so WE decided I would work and he would stay home. Over the course of a few years we just slid into what it is now. He defers almost all decision making to me. I hold more say in our relationship than I want to. I'm not saying that he is to blame for this. Maybe I gave the impression that this is how I wanted it by not saying otherwise. How could he know how I was feeling when I didn't even know. I'm just happy that I do know now. It's really made my understand that I was trying to control the bedroom and the relationship. It was making me unhappy and I'm pretty sure he's not all that happy with it either. At this point I'm really going to try to stop being so controlling and let him take the reigns a little more. I don't have to be a pissy bitch if I don't get my way. And if I am being that way I wish he would push me back. So I also really hope he reads the book. Untill then I'll continue to work on me.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Consider me Anonymous2. I totally get what Anon is saying, because I'm in the same boat. I want sex very badly, but I am so tired of having to be the one to initiate it. Every single time I have to make the first move or say something. It doesn't get me going at all and when we do have sex it just feels less than spectacular, which is not how it used to be. I'm not sure what happened because I take care of myself, I take care of him, I clean and cook and make sure he's happy.

    I knew when I married him that he was far from Alpha and that was back before I had any idea what Game was. But I never expected him to recede into apathy. I've even sent him specific MMSL articles and sent him a link to the Amazon screen featuring your book.

    The thing is I know he wants sex too. But he never asks or does any of the Sexy Moves or 10 second kisses or anything. He never starts it. And I resent him for it.

    I feel your pain, Anon. I'm not looking for the door either because I love him very much and have no desire to leave him. But I'm very unhappy and I don't think he has a clue :(

  8. elhaf says:

    Sounds like somebody needs to read the fair warning post again.

  9. Anonymous says:

    LoL elhaf
    anon1 or anon2?

  10. Anonymous says:

    From anon1 to anon2
    He may Just honestly not even realize. U said u sent him articles but did u ever just tell him? I think like me sex isn't the real issue for you. Your just projecting your feelings into something that you think you can control. It's easier to say u don't initiate enough than to try to figure out in what ways you can both do thing differently in every other aspect of your relationship. I'm almost embarassed by my first two posts. They sound so selfish and entitled to me now. I wasn't happy with whatever he did in the bedroom. Even if I asked for it. Because I wasn't happy in general. It really wasn't fair for me to make him the fault when some of it rightfully belongs to me.
    Maybe you could just buy the book. Read it yourself and then give it to him. Don't try suble hints or pissy fits. Just say what ur really thinking. Tell him you love him and are not unhappy you just think that you BOTH could change some thing to make everyone happier. Ask him to read just the first chapter and see if he agrees with the logic ( hopefully by then athol will have his hooks in and he won't be able to put the book down) and in the mean time just back off the sex. Don't be mad if it doesn't happen. Just know that your Doing what you can and see what happens

  11. Anonymous says:

    Count me as one of those slow and tender type husbands who would've considered rough lovemaking as insensitive and wrong. I'm reconsidering that but now my problem is that if I just cut loose I'll be done in 15 seconds. Part of my focusing on her needs is to keep me from blowing too soon. Some practical advice on sexual stamina (beyond 'bringing yourself to the edge of climax and holding') would be greatly appreciated.

  12. Anonymous says:

    You could try things that don't really involve a faster pace. Like hair pulling or spanking. Talking dirty. Rougher foreplay like throwing down on the bed as opposed to placing gently down on the bed. just some mild man-handling ;)

  13. Anonymous says:

    Thanks. I can make the foreplay, however rough or tender, last as long as I want. But once I'm inside her, pounding away for more than a few seconds just isn't an option.

  14. Anonymous says:

    From anon2 to anon1: I know he doesn't realize it, but I guess I need to get out of the mindset that it's like telling him to buy me flowers (I don't do that, just an example). If I tell him to buy me flowers it's not as nice when I receive them, you know? Likewise, I feel as if I tell him to be rougher, or initiate more often, that it wouldn't be him doing those things because he wanted to on his own. I know it sounds silly, but I should've learned years ago that subtle hints don't work with any man.

    I am glad you said something, though. I've been feeling like I'm in some vacuum where, unlike the rest of the world, I feel no need to graze in "greener" pastures, but I want things to be better for both me and my husband. Think I'll buy him the book, rather than hint around at it. :)

  15. Anonymous says:

    Anon1 to anon2

    I know exactly how u feel about telling him. Then getting what u asked for. Then still not being happy.
    You want him to just want to do these things all on his own. But if that's not who he is or he doesn't understand what your asking him too do then it will always be just you asking.
    It's also possible that he does get what your asking and is just resident to doing it. Maye your not the only one holding resentments. He may just be more passive aggressive. Again it comes down to either person trying to control what they feel they can control. He may not be happy as a clam either and doesn't know how to express it to you. Maybe he doesn't want to start a fight or a 2 hour "talk"
    Like I said before I'm pretty sure my husband is not as happy as he could be in our relationship either. And when I asked for what I thought I wanted he did what I asked. So then I decided well it's not good enough because I had to ask. Well that's Not fair. So I don't think about it that way anymore. If I ask for something and receive it and then decide I'm not happy with it then it's probly more about me testing. I didn't even know I did this until reading this blog. When I read the do these jeans make my butt look fat post I was like "hey I do that too!" I'm actually way less stressed out about the whole thing. I know he does whatever I ask because he thinks that's what he is supposed to do/what I want. Like the comment above about the white knight feminest beta hubby. Maybe I'm just the higher stimulation spouse and need a little more drama. Howeverthee sex plays out between us I dont take it so personally anymore. At this point I think I know what I want/need from him. I just need to be more aware of my rationalization hampster ;)

  16. Jasmine says:

    "but I should've learned years ago that subtle hints don't work with any man. "

    I think this is key. Men simply DO NOT get hints. They aren't wired that way. You may have to start out by telling him what you want, but then respond positively to it when he does. Pretty soon, he very well may start doing the things you want without being asked. Telling him what you gets you going may very well what you both need to get out of that vacuum. It is a terrible and scary place to be.

  17. Athol Kay says:

    Seriously… men don't get it until you get in their faces a bit and make it 100% clear that you are unhappy sexually.

    The fair warning approach is valuable.

  18. hans says:

    Men don´t get hints because we usually have better things to do then parse every thing the SUPPOSED PARTNER says to us for hidden meanings, innuendos, slights or other such passive aggressive things.

    This stressfully aggressive social interaction is supposed to occur in the "hostile outer world"(or between females) and there we are expecting to deal with it.
    When females bring this toxic behavior into the supposed safe place of our home, it effectively kills all attraction a man can ever hope to feel for his partner.

    In simple words. Bitch at your girlfriends but tell your guy what you want in ENGLISH.

  19. hans says:

    As for "Anon 1st place hubby", research, find, exercise the "PC muscle"(even more important for you gals).
    Google, how does it work?

  20. Anonymous says:

    Consider me anon3. Also a woman with a higher sex drive than her man, also constantly having to initiate. Also married a total beta Nice Guy, thinking it was the right thing to do (and I DO think it was, as I love him very much, but his inability to man up is unattractive.) I have linked him to over a dozen posts on this blog, and basically said, "Read ILYBINILWY, read "I'm bored", read the alpha/beta/nice guy posts. You are a Nice Guy. I love you, and I'm not ready to quit on this, so I'm going to be as clear as possible: MORE ALPHA, LESS BETA.I NEED DOPAMINE." He feels uncomfortable with that, because he sees alpha traits as being a jerk. I used to too. Since reading here, and seeing what alpha traits do for a decent guy (Athol), I'm open to it- desperate for it, even. But, even if you're clear, it won't happen overnight. He's intrigued, and willing to do what I ask (haha, so beta, but I love him for it). So, we'll see. I think he'll make the same connections Athol has eventually.

    I remember back in the first few years of our marriage, I gave him some fitness tests- something to "bump back on"- I wanted him to argue with me when we disagreed, so we could work it out, instead of hiding and pretending nothing is wrong. And he wouldn't, so I'd say more and more outrageous hurtful things, basically unconsciously going, "How bad do I have to be to get him to bump back?" At some point, I realized that being that hurtful wasn't helpful, and I quit, but he still doesn't bump back. Which means that after 7 years, there are a lot of unresolved conflicts and hurts hanging around… I am hopeful with MMSL, though.

  21. Athol Kay says:

    Anon3 – it does take time for a guy to unlearn everything it believes is the right way to treat a wife. Don't give up on it, but do keep stating what you want.

  22. hans says:

    Welcome to the ravages of feminism anon3.
    Where us males are brainwashed from earliest childhood into associating even the remotest dominant behavior with prime evil(we´re all rapists and child molesters, remember?) and putting pussy on a pedestal is standard MO.

    At least YOU get treated like a human.

  23. Tinderbox says:

    What does "dh" stand for? Dear husband?

  24. Athol Kay says:

    DH = Dear Husband

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