Date Night Planning

Jennifer and I never did the boyfriend/girlfriend dating stage because we went from meeting each other, to long distance, to getting married. Then we were married and didn’t have to date because we were already living together and broke. We just settled into a comfortable routine of cooking dinner, hanging out together and watching TV and then going to bed and getting busy.
Then the kids came and by the time we actually got to have a date night, we were so tired from jobs and little kids that all we could imagine for date night was dinner and a movie. We’d go about three different places for dinner total. I would always order a cheeseburger. About eight years ago we both discovered we liked sushi, so that got added into the mix as well. Sushi and a movie… my seduction is unstoppable. Not.
Fast forward…
We have date night coming up on Wednesday. I casually mention to Jennifer today that I have three possible date night plans for her to choose from.
Jennifer: “Three?! I’m impressed.”
She is already grinning like the Cheshire Cat and we haven’t even done anything yet. I rock.
Athol: “Well the first is the easy low stress one. Dinner and a movie, but the restaurant is nice and somewhere neither one of us been before.”   This one really is easy and low stress, but the restaurant would make her very happy. I’ve checked the menu out and I already know what she would order if we went and it’s kind of a unique dish. If we don’t go on date night, I’m saving this one for the future.
Athol: “The second option is going to Mohegan Sun (huge casino and shopping mall thing), but that’s a bit of a haul and going to depend on babysitting timing to enjoy it.”  This is true, we keep staying it’s a good idea to go, but it is a haul to get there. So this is really just a throw-a-way option to pad out the three. Always have a throw-a-way option, it makes them feel in-control when they automatically discount something and blinds them to the fact that they are now in fact choosing between two pre-selected choices you have already defined.
Athol: “The third option is ‘Magical Mystery Tour'”. It’s like catnip to her and she immediately chooses option three.
Because Jennifer edits and reads the blog, obviously I can’t tell you what the Magical Mystery Tour involves until after date night. So like Jennifer you’ll just have to get all worked up and wait for the surprise. Suffice to say, I’ve got her pegged pretty good and I know she will like it. Plus there’s a dinner some place we haven’t been before in there as well.
Oh and first things first… we already ordered the movie we plan to get naughty and naked to once we’re back home. Jennifer gets completely overwhelmed by adult movie selection, so I selected three possible options online and gave her the choice. One of the things we’ve learned about date night is that if we don’t do something a little out of the ordinary sexual routine, I get extremely frustrated with the whole thing. Jennifer likes being pushed a little further than normal too.
Thursday I’ll write about how it all went, and how a Cheeseburger and Fries guy like me can find a good restaurant in a pinch.

Young Wife, Older Husband, Mismatched Drives

Had an email from a young wife struggling with having less sex than she wants in her marriage. She’s 27 and he’s 47. He’s a little defensive if she initiates sex and has some oral medication controlled diabetes and a complicating issue. Everything was going good until he slowed right down after the wedding…
Hi there,
27 and 47 is a huge age gap and a large part of your difficulty is just the age difference. You’re in your prime sexual years and he’s starting to wind down. Most men have a drop in sexual interest and ability starting after age 40. This is an issue that simply will not go away with time, but will in fact intensify. Imagine you at age 40 and him at 60 for example – should his diabetes progress badly over the next 13 years, he may not be capable of much at all sexually by age 60.
In many of these relationships the younger member leaves or strays, or the older one beats them to the punch and kicks out the younger one. That doesn’t sound rational, but it’s typically less painful to get mad and create a reason to kick out a partner, than to be dumped by them.
I think you have to have a very frank discussion with your husband about the situation. He may have even married you with the expectation that he would never be able to keep you, but married you for “as long as it lasts” and expecting to have his heart broken at the end of it all. I suspect he’s just crazy about you and is very frustrated about his body not being as co-operative as he would like sexually. He probably wants to want have sex with you lots, but he’s 47, so it may not always happen like he wants it too.
There are two things you can do for solutions. The first is that he needs to pay very close attention to his physical health and fitness. This is both for the diabetes management (which as I’m sure you know has a multitude of health concerns) but also because ultimately sex is about two bodies coming together physically. The healthier he is, the better his sexual function will be. There’s also a whole chapter devoted to male physical/sexual health in the book and that’s his number one area of work.
The other thing is to have you both accept that your sex drive is significantly higher than his and that it is not something that will ever resolve. It is quite possible to have experiences together where you are brought to orgasm and he doesn’t have to be. He can even be quite dominant to the point of bossiness if that turns you on, without needing to progress to him own orgasm. (My hunch is that being 27 married to a 47 year old, you are turned on by the power differential between you.)
By relieving the requirement for him to orgasm with every sexual experience, that allows him to be more sexual with you. If say he’s really only capable of two ejaculations a week, trying to have sex four times a week is going to result in at least two experiences of very embarrassing inability to get erect or come to orgasm. Most men find even an occasionally impotent reaction humiliating, even if causes are extremely clear and temporary (say extreme exhaustion + a few too many drinks). So by being open and removing that as a requirement, he is freed up to be sexual and play with you. He can get a great deal of enjoyment from your sexual reaction as well. There’s a lot of potential to mine the whole ability for him to tease and deny you his orgasm – simply because you’ve sucked him or been in your vagina, doesn’t mean he has to ejaculate unless he wants to… even if you are begging for it.
For an older husband with a younger wife, it’s really no different than owning a dog. A dog cooped up in the house all day is going to get cranky, bored and unfit, or you have to take it for frequent walks to keep the dog in shape and happy. Some days you can walk around the neighborhood together and both get a good walk in and both be happy. Some days you can drive to the park and the owner can stand still and toss tennis balls or a stick and have the dog go running after them and bring them back. Multiple times even (wink). That way the owner doesn’t have too work too hard but the dog gets a great workout and loves the owner paying attention. So they’re both happy.
And no you’re not a actual dog, and no he’s not your actual owner… it’s a metaphor. I just think you’d like the extra attention and being made to play “fetch” once in a while. And he’d be less worried about you wandering off somewhere at some random point in the future.

Bump Back on a First Officer Acting as Captain and Mad About It

Reader Email: My problem is getting in trouble for stuff I don’t deserve. And it almost seems like she sets me up to fail. I would do dishes before bedtime, for example, to give her time to work on her writing (her second book will hit the shelves in less than two months). There was a time that she told me specifically “I’ll get the dishes, don’t worry about it.” Three nights running, she said this. And, on the fourth morning, she read me the riot act for sticking her with the dishes for three nights in a row.
I don’t get it. I don’t understand how to stay out of trouble for not getting something done when she tells me not to do it. It’s a recurring theme in our world, “hold on, this is more important, leave that for now”…and so busy with kids and everything else that I never actually manage to get back to it, and get raked over the coals for forgetting it.
It’s become this massive boulder in the middle of our relationship, that if we don’t figure out how to fix it, is going to drive us apart. Her image of me is “lying untrustworthy and breaks promises” because there aren’t enough hours in the day to get done everything I’m supposed to get done AND everything that she told me to put off for later…and I can’t find a way to win that trust back because it’s a matter of perception and not necessarily fact…
Athol: The short answer is you’re falling into the Betaization Trap of being endlessly deferring and nice to her in an attempt to please her, but it isn’t working. The long answer is Chapters 10 and 11 in The Primer will be very helpful to you.
In terms of what you can do right now, the next time she blows up at you, say “Do you yell at the children like this when I’m not here?” She will of course say “no”. The you say, “Then if you can control yourself with them, you should be able to control yourself with me.” and you just bore you eyes into hers until she looks away and/or backs down. She’s actively choosing to yell at you and you’re actively choosing to accept being yelled at without any resistance.
Then no matter what she asks you to do when she is yelling, simply fail to comply with it. “I’m not going to help you when you yell at me.”
If she asks a reasonable request in a reasonable tone of voice. Just go do it.
Stop leaving tasks uncompleted because she said something else was more important. “No, I’m finishing this first. I’ll be with you when I’m finished.”
Try doing the dishes together if that’s a sticking point. “Come help me do the dishes.” If she comes to help, then do the dishes. If she doesn’t, don’t do them. When the dishes are done together, say you liked doing the dishes together. It’s also a good time to be a playful and funny with her. Gently pin her against the kitchen counter and make out a little.
Also if she’s crunching to get a book completed, she’s going to be stressed out and therefore more prone to be easily frustrated. As you bump back on her rudeness to you (Alpha) try and find a couple little ways to pre-emptively express caring for her (Beta) to keep the balance.
Also if she’s just trying too hard and doing too much, you can take the Captain role and order her to self-care. If she wants to write and do the dishes for example, you can just overrule her and say “Keep writing, I’ll do the dishes.” If she complains, just do the direct eye gaze thing and say “You aren’t able to stop me.” and walk away.
As an aside, there was a lot of additional information in the email that would have identified the readers, so can’t reveal that, but the wife seems to have a bit of a over-achieving-super-mommy-or-she-feels-guilty vibe. Jennifer gets like this to some extent too. As a result, the majority of my direction to Jennifer that takes a firm tone is simply to get her to take her good efforts down a notch and relax a little.

Some wives can’t ever fully relax until told to relax. Hence, “That will do Jennifer, that will do.”   (Clarification before feminists descend on me in the comments: Jennifer is a “babe”, not a “pig”. That is all.)
My general impression is that the wife in this case is yet another First Officer running the show as de facto Captain and pissed off about it. So be the Captain.

Couple of Days Off

Eldest graduates middle school tomorrow and for some idiotic reason graduation is at 1030am, which basically f’s up any possibility of a productive work day, so I’m taking it off.
Off all next week as well, apart from Tuesday as I have to go back in and do my Superman thing.  

I’ll be hard at play doing my real life though…  by which I mean the whole MMSL thing.

But for now, I’m just chilling.

Oh and trying to beat this game…

Have fun. Do heaps.

Supreme 90 Day Fitness DVDs Are Awesome

Reader Email: Athol, I started to write you a lengthy email thanking you for pointing me in direction of Supreme 90 Day and giving you a detailed review of my first week on their system, and the excellent reaction I have gotten from the missus.
However, as I can no longer lift my arms above waist height for more than 5 seconds at a time… this will have to do. Thanks.
Athol: LMAO no kidding. Jennifer and I started on it too. Tonight is “Legs”. We are afraid.
Reader: I hear you.  I was yelling at the guy during Tabata Inferno, “If you’re going to confuse my muscles could you anesthetize them too you evil sonofabitch?!?!?”
Keep up the good work, and thanks for the blog.
Athol: I’m actually seriously pleased with the Supreme 90 Day DVDs – to the point where in the 2012 edition of The Primer I will be not just mentioning them, but saying doing it or something similar is just standard procedure for getting things back on track with your wife / upping your Sex Rank. It’s up there with the Ten Second Kiss in importance.
Here it is in a nutshell, you can go buy it in Target for $20 (it’s in the fitness equipment area), an exercise/stability ball (was $12)… buy some dumbbells (up to about 25lbs is fine to start off), hunt around for a local fitness equipment supply store. In any case, you can be all set for the price of a years gym membership for one person, and both of you can do it. If you want low $$$ risk, just get the DVDs and ball and see how you like it for a week.
They are great DVDs, very challenging, a lot of variety and definitely effective. They hit the right tone of “give 100%”, but it’s always framed as “100% of whatever is 100% for you”. If you have to catch your breath, catch your breath. If it’s too hard doing whatever with the weights, do it without. If you can’t do a full push up, do it on your knees etc. Just put in your best effort.
One of the nice things is of the three or four people doing the exercises in the video, they are all rarely in sync with each other. They are all doing the same exercise, just not doing it like a marching team, so you never feel like you’re falling behind the people in the video. Which means you don’t try and rush what you can’t really do safely.
It’s also female friendly. There are men and women in the DVD’s.  I’m a fairly big guy and I’m getting a great workout, Jennifer is a fairly small woman and doing the same exercises and getting a great workout too. We don’t exercise together because I look at her ass too much and I’m a danger to myself.
So anyway, get to it. Or something similar. It’s just the best thing I’ve found so far and the price was definitely right. This is the only thing apart from my book that I’ve endorsed on the blog. I have the Amazon link on the left side bar, but get nothing from Amazon for the linkage due to daft changes in Connecticut law. The main website is here at Supreme 90 Day…. there is no affliate link option available (damnit!)
Try it. Just try it. Physical fitness is key to getting a better sex life.