2011 June | Married Man Sex Life

Date Night Planning

June 27, 2011 By Athol Kay 10 Comments

Jennifer and I never did the boyfriend/girlfriend dating stage because we went from meeting each other, to long distance, to getting married. Then we were married and didn’t have to date because we were already living together and broke. We just settled into a comfortable routine of cooking dinner, hanging out together and watching TV and then going to bed and getting busy.

Then the kids came and by the time we actually got to have a date night, we were so tired from jobs and little kids that all we could imagine for date night was dinner and a movie. We’d go about three different places for dinner total. I would always order a cheeseburger. About eight years ago we both discovered we liked sushi, so that got added into the mix as well. Sushi and a movie… my seduction is unstoppable. Not.

Fast forward…

We have date night coming up on Wednesday. I casually mention to Jennifer today that I have three possible date night plans for her to choose from.

Jennifer: “Three?! I’m impressed.”

She is already grinning like the Cheshire Cat and we haven’t even done anything yet. I rock.

Athol: “Well the first is the easy low stress one. Dinner and a movie, but the restaurant is nice and somewhere neither one of us been before.” This one really is easy and low stress, but the restaurant would make her very happy. I’ve checked the menu out and I already know what she would order if we went and it’s kind of a unique dish. If we don’t go on date night, I’m saving this one for the future.

Athol: “The second option is going to Mohegan Sun (huge casino and shopping mall thing), but that’s a bit of a haul and going to depend on babysitting timing to enjoy it.” This is true, we keep staying it’s a good idea to go, but it is a haul to get there. So this is really just a throw-a-way option to pad out the three. Always have a throw-a-way option, it makes them feel in-control when they automatically discount something and blinds them to the fact that they are now in fact choosing between two pre-selected choices you have already defined.

Athol: “The third option is ‘Magical Mystery Tour’”. It’s like catnip to her and she immediately chooses option three.

Because Jennifer edits and reads the blog, obviously I can’t tell you what the Magical Mystery Tour involves until after date night. So like Jennifer you’ll just have to get all worked up and wait for the surprise. Suffice to say, I’ve got her pegged pretty good and I know she will like it. Plus there’s a dinner some place we haven’t been before in there as well.

Oh and first things first… we already ordered the movie we plan to get naughty and naked to once we’re back home. Jennifer gets completely overwhelmed by adult movie selection, so I selected three possible options online and gave her the choice. One of the things we’ve learned about date night is that if we don’t do something a little out of the ordinary sexual routine, I get extremely frustrated with the whole thing. Jennifer likes being pushed a little further than normal too.

Thursday I’ll write about how it all went, and how a Cheeseburger and Fries guy like me can find a good restaurant in a pinch.

Filed Under: Sexy Moves

Young Wife, Older Husband, Mismatched Drives

June 26, 2011 By Athol Kay 22 Comments

Had an email from a young wife struggling with having less sex than she wants in her marriage. She’s 27 and he’s 47. He’s a little defensive if she initiates sex and has some oral medication controlled diabetes and a complicating issue. Everything was going good until he slowed right down after the wedding…

Hi there,

27 and 47 is a huge age gap and a large part of your difficulty is just the age difference. You’re in your prime sexual years and he’s starting to wind down. Most men have a drop in sexual interest and ability starting after age 40. This is an issue that simply will not go away with time, but will in fact intensify. Imagine you at age 40 and him at 60 for example – should his diabetes progress badly over the next 13 years, he may not be capable of much at all sexually by age 60.

In many of these relationships the younger member leaves or strays, or the older one beats them to the punch and kicks out the younger one. That doesn’t sound rational, but it’s typically less painful to get mad and create a reason to kick out a partner, than to be dumped by them.

I think you have to have a very frank discussion with your husband about the situation. He may have even married you with the expectation that he would never be able to keep you, but married you for “as long as it lasts” and expecting to have his heart broken at the end of it all. I suspect he’s just crazy about you and is very frustrated about his body not being as co-operative as he would like sexually. He probably wants to want have sex with you lots, but he’s 47, so it may not always happen like he wants it too.

There are two things you can do for solutions. The first is that he needs to pay very close attention to his physical health and fitness. This is both for the diabetes management (which as I’m sure you know has a multitude of health concerns) but also because ultimately sex is about two bodies coming together physically. The healthier he is, the better his sexual function will be. There’s also a whole chapter devoted to male physical/sexual health in the book and that’s his number one area of work.

The other thing is to have you both accept that your sex drive is significantly higher than his and that it is not something that will ever resolve. It is quite possible to have experiences together where you are brought to orgasm and he doesn’t have to be. He can even be quite dominant to the point of bossiness if that turns you on, without needing to progress to him own orgasm. (My hunch is that being 27 married to a 47 year old, you are turned on by the power differential between you.)

By relieving the requirement for him to orgasm with every sexual experience, that allows him to be more sexual with you. If say he’s really only capable of two ejaculations a week, trying to have sex four times a week is going to result in at least two experiences of very embarrassing inability to get erect or come to orgasm. Most men find even an occasionally impotent reaction humiliating, even if causes are extremely clear and temporary (say extreme exhaustion + a few too many drinks). So by being open and removing that as a requirement, he is freed up to be sexual and play with you. He can get a great deal of enjoyment from your sexual reaction as well. There’s a lot of potential to mine the whole ability for him to tease and deny you his orgasm – simply because you’ve sucked him or been in your vagina, doesn’t mean he has to ejaculate unless he wants to… even if you are begging for it.

For an older husband with a younger wife, it’s really no different than owning a dog. A dog cooped up in the house all day is going to get cranky, bored and unfit, or you have to take it for frequent walks to keep the dog in shape and happy. Some days you can walk around the neighborhood together and both get a good walk in and both be happy. Some days you can drive to the park and the owner can stand still and toss tennis balls or a stick and have the dog go running after them and bring them back. Multiple times even (wink). That way the owner doesn’t have too work too hard but the dog gets a great workout and loves the owner paying attention. So they’re both happy.

And no you’re not a actual dog, and no he’s not your actual owner… it’s a metaphor. I just think you’d like the extra attention and being made to play “fetch” once in a while. And he’d be less worried about you wandering off somewhere at some random point in the future.

Filed Under: Girl Game and Sexy Wives

Bump Back on a First Officer Acting as Captain and Mad About It

June 25, 2011 By Athol Kay 17 Comments

Reader Email: My problem is getting in trouble for stuff I don’t deserve. And it almost seems like she sets me up to fail. I would do dishes before bedtime, for example, to give her time to work on her writing (her second book will hit the shelves in less than two months). There was a time that she told me specifically “I’ll get the dishes, don’t worry about it.” Three nights running, she said this. And, on the fourth morning, she read me the riot act for sticking her with the dishes for three nights in a row.

I don’t get it. I don’t understand how to stay out of trouble for not getting something done when she tells me not to do it. It’s a recurring theme in our world, “hold on, this is more important, leave that for now”…and so busy with kids and everything else that I never actually manage to get back to it, and get raked over the coals for forgetting it.

It’s become this massive boulder in the middle of our relationship, that if we don’t figure out how to fix it, is going to drive us apart. Her image of me is “lying untrustworthy and breaks promises” because there aren’t enough hours in the day to get done everything I’m supposed to get done AND everything that she told me to put off for later…and I can’t find a way to win that trust back because it’s a matter of perception and not necessarily fact…

Athol: The short answer is you’re falling into the Betaization Trap of being endlessly deferring and nice to her in an attempt to please her, but it isn’t working. The long answer is Chapters 10 and 11 in The Primer will be very helpful to you.

In terms of what you can do right now, the next time she blows up at you, say “Do you yell at the children like this when I’m not here?” She will of course say “no”. The you say, “Then if you can control yourself with them, you should be able to control yourself with me.” and you just bore you eyes into hers until she looks away and/or backs down. She’s actively choosing to yell at you and you’re actively choosing to accept being yelled at without any resistance.

Then no matter what she asks you to do when she is yelling, simply fail to comply with it. “I’m not going to help you when you yell at me.”

If she asks a reasonable request in a reasonable tone of voice. Just go do it.

Stop leaving tasks uncompleted because she said something else was more important. “No, I’m finishing this first. I’ll be with you when I’m finished.”

Try doing the dishes together if that’s a sticking point. “Come help me do the dishes.” If she comes to help, then do the dishes. If she doesn’t, don’t do them. When the dishes are done together, say you liked doing the dishes together. It’s also a good time to be a playful and funny with her. Gently pin her against the kitchen counter and make out a little.

Also if she’s crunching to get a book completed, she’s going to be stressed out and therefore more prone to be easily frustrated. As you bump back on her rudeness to you (Alpha) try and find a couple little ways to pre-emptively express caring for her (Beta) to keep the balance.

Also if she’s just trying too hard and doing too much, you can take the Captain role and order her to self-care. If she wants to write and do the dishes for example, you can just overrule her and say “Keep writing, I’ll do the dishes.” If she complains, just do the direct eye gaze thing and say “You aren’t able to stop me.” and walk away.

As an aside, there was a lot of additional information in the email that would have identified the readers, so can’t reveal that, but the wife seems to have a bit of a over-achieving-super-mommy-or-she-feels-guilty vibe. Jennifer gets like this to some extent too. As a result, the majority of my direction to Jennifer that takes a firm tone is simply to get her to take her good efforts down a notch and relax a little.

Some wives can’t ever fully relax until told to relax. Hence, “That will do Jennifer, that will do.” (Clarification before feminists descend on me in the comments: Jennifer is a “babe”, not a “pig”. That is all.)

My general impression is that the wife in this case is yet another First Officer running the show as de facto Captain and pissed off about it. So be the Captain.

Filed Under: Captain and First Officer

Couple of Days Off

June 24, 2011 By Athol Kay 1 Comment

Eldest graduates middle school tomorrow and for some idiotic reason graduation is at 1030am, which basically f’s up any possibility of a productive work day, so I’m taking it off.

Off all next week as well, apart from Tuesday as I have to go back in and do my Superman thing.

I’ll be hard at play doing my real life though… by which I mean the whole MMSL thing.

But for now, I’m just chilling.

Oh and trying to beat this game… http://www.kongregate.com/games/turboNuke/grand-prix-go

Have fun. Do heaps.

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Supreme 90 Day Fitness DVDs Are Awesome

June 23, 2011 By Athol Kay 13 Comments

Reader Email: Athol, I started to write you a lengthy email thanking you for pointing me in direction of Supreme 90 Day and giving you a detailed review of my first week on their system, and the excellent reaction I have gotten from the missus.

However, as I can no longer lift my arms above waist height for more than 5 seconds at a time… this will have to do. Thanks.

Athol: LMAO no kidding. Jennifer and I started on it too. Tonight is “Legs”. We are afraid.

Reader: I hear you. I was yelling at the guy during Tabata Inferno, “If you’re going to confuse my muscles could you anesthetize them too you evil sonofabitch?!?!?”

Keep up the good work, and thanks for the blog.

Athol: I’m actually seriously pleased with the Supreme 90 Day DVDs – to the point where in the 2012 edition of The Primer I will be not just mentioning them, but saying doing it or something similar is just standard procedure for getting things back on track with your wife / upping your Sex Rank. It’s up there with the Ten Second Kiss in importance.

Here it is in a nutshell, you can go buy it in Target for $20 (it’s in the fitness equipment area), an exercise/stability ball (was $12)… buy some dumbbells (up to about 25lbs is fine to start off), hunt around for a local fitness equipment supply store. In any case, you can be all set for the price of a years gym membership for one person, and both of you can do it. If you want low $$$ risk, just get the DVDs and ball and see how you like it for a week.

They are great DVDs, very challenging, a lot of variety and definitely effective. They hit the right tone of “give 100%”, but it’s always framed as “100% of whatever is 100% for you”. If you have to catch your breath, catch your breath. If it’s too hard doing whatever with the weights, do it without. If you can’t do a full push up, do it on your knees etc. Just put in your best effort.

One of the nice things is of the three or four people doing the exercises in the video, they are all rarely in sync with each other. They are all doing the same exercise, just not doing it like a marching team, so you never feel like you’re falling behind the people in the video. Which means you don’t try and rush what you can’t really do safely.

It’s also female friendly. There are men and women in the DVD’s. I’m a fairly big guy and I’m getting a great workout, Jennifer is a fairly small woman and doing the same exercises and getting a great workout too. We don’t exercise together because I look at her ass too much and I’m a danger to myself.

So anyway, get to it. Or something similar. It’s just the best thing I’ve found so far and the price was definitely right. This is the only thing apart from my book that I’ve endorsed on the blog. I have the Amazon link on the left side bar, but get nothing from Amazon for the linkage due to daft changes in Connecticut law. The main website is here at Supreme 90 Day…. there is no affliate link option available (damnit!)

Try it. Just try it. Physical fitness is key to getting a better sex life.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Sexy Moves

Stop Talking And Start Acting Like You’re Walking

June 22, 2011 By Athol Kay 3 Comments

There’s a mildly complicated backstory, but my answer I think helps women understand they can easily adopt the MAP for themselves and shouldn’t just lob the book at their husband and expect a miracle. You have to take action.

Reader Email: Okay, I will up my sex rank, act neutral (disinterested in sex?) and see how that goes.

Athol: Not quite right…

You can and should act interested in sex… that’s your primary relationship concern and you want to communicate that through your actions. You like and want sex!

However… if he declines sex with you, act like it is no big deal. No begging, no whining, no pouting, no slamming doors, no doing the dishes very noisily and angrily. Just say “okay” and walk away from him.

Read over Chapter 6 in the Primer again and think of it applying to you rather than him. Then read over Chapter 16 again and think of it applying to you as the person running the MAP.

Like I say, start working out, dressing better, a little more revealing… as if you were getting ready to just dump him and move on.

The fantasy in his head right now is that you and he will have a sexless marriage, he will jerk off to porn, and you will just stick around and love him anyway. So start breaking that fantasy in his head. Start acting like you won’t just stick around and be miserable for his benefit.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank

MMSL The Boardgame…?

June 22, 2011 By Athol Kay 5 Comments

Damnit! I can’t embed this video.

So Alpha…. yet so very not Alpha.

I remembered it after someone asked me if MMSL was going to go all tacky and commercial. My thought was this video. (Damnit I can’t embed that either! Grrrr.)

Anyway, the real answer to that is “probably not”. Money is important to me to get me doing what I want to do. But in the end I’m still the guy that was pleased with the birthday presents of a toaster, a laundry basket and a bathmat. So it’s kind of hard to buy me out.

We’re unlikely to have MMSL “The lunchbox”, MMSL “The Soundtrack”, or MMSL “The Flamethrower” any time soon. I sure hope current books aren’t used as MMSL “The Toiletpaper”…

I’ve had a very small number of requests for a German translation for example. Not possible for 2011, very unlikely for 2012. 2013… well let’s see about that. So that’s the sort of thing I want money for.

Anyway…

“The Schwartz was in you the whole time.”

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

The Five Beta Love Languages

June 21, 2011 By Athol Kay 14 Comments

I’ve been doing some research recently to start developing much of MMSL into a couples retreat. There’s a backstory here, and it may all collapse into a heap so I’d rather not say what I’m up to just yet. My long term goals involve in-person teaching sessions, so whether this particular project gets the green light or not, I’ll end up with material to use so it’s all good.

So I said to my new friends,“tell me what you’re currently using.” and they showed me the list of books and DVDs in use. I’d never heard of half of it, and the other half was just the (yawn) same old feminine-beta-emotions-romance-do the-dishes-the-man-is-wrong stuff. Basically it’s a cross between a bad Oprah episode and David after the Dentist. But being a good researcher I ordered used copies of what I hadn’t read yet off Amazon.

At this point I should mention that for a number of years I went to a private Anglican school and have therefore sat through formal ceremonies so long, I have considered quietly removing my appendix with a paper clip to relieve the boredom. I consider that training for wading through the slush pile of traditionally published books I regrettably ordered off Amazon.

Save one…

“The Five Love Languages” is excellent. Oh to be sure it’s just like every other Christian book in that it takes far too long to actually get to the book’s original content. The good bits are heavily packed in the Styrofoam of faith to ensure the non-religious would never want to read it. It is badly wrong in that it completely ignores sexuality and anything remotely approaching Alpha, leaving nothing but a baby soft Beta.

But that Beta is utterly perfect and on point.

If you want, go read the book. There’s like a trillion in print and you can probably get an older copy for $0.01 plus shipping off Amazon. Or, cribbing the summary of the Five Love Languages from here.

Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

The basic premise of the book being that each person usually has a primary love language that really connects with them, and the other ones are simply nice/pleasant/okay. I think that’s an excellent insight.

So when I do something expressive of love and commitment (Beta!) to Jennifer like buying her flowers (Receiving Gifts), she likes it, it’s okay, but it doesn’t really make her swoon. Likewise when I tell her I love her, and say nice things about her (Words of Affirmation), it’s the same thing. Nice, pleasant, but she doesn’t melt on me. She does respond well to Quality Time – she gets a little mopey if we’re apart for too long and we both like walking together and just hanging out. She does like being touched, but I’m all over her like a rash, so I don’t think she ever lacks for Physical Touch to ever want it.

But when I do housework, cook dinner, yard work, help her out, go grocery shopping with her… a.k.a Acts of Service… she perks right up and just beams at me. So while all the love languages are good to do at least once in a while, when I want to use a little Beta to hit Jennifer’s sweet spot, Acts of Service are quick, easy and guaranteed points. Not just once in a while, every time.

The giveaway is that Jennifer is constantly doing me little Acts of Service. She actually seriously likes bringing me a sandwich for example. She ironed a couple of shirts for me on Sunday simply because “it makes me feel all wifely”. Um… okay, you can iron my shirts if you want.

If you read carefully above, “I’m all over Jennifer like a rash”, my love language is Physical Touch. I endlessly touch her and playfully maul her like I’m a Labrador puppy.

Gifts do nothing for me – for my last three birthdays I asked for a toaster, a laundry basket and a bathmat. I do like functional items, but that’s about it. Words of Affirmation are nice. Quality Time is nice. Ironing my shirts and bringing me sandwiches are nice… But I feel loved when she touches me. Scratch my back a little and I am yours.

Sometimes when I’m writing Jennifer just slides up to me and runs a hand across my shoulders in passing. It works. I love it. How easy is that?

So…

Ladies, gentlemen… once you figure out your partner’s sweet spot for receiving Beta comfort building, you could probably cut down your overall Beta interaction efforts by half, and yet win twice as many points by getting everything on target. It’s like the difference between a shotgun approach and a sniper rifle.

If you don’t know what they like the best, just experiment and try everything. You’d find it soon enough. Often what they do to you is the giveaway of what they want for themselves.

Filed Under: Nice Guys and Betaization, Sexy Moves

Unhappy Father’s Day?

June 19, 2011 By Athol Kay 33 Comments

As much as possible I try and stay positive and productive about making individual marriages better on this blog. Negativity is unhelpful at best and can result in a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure at worst. So it is important to stay positive and productive in approach about marriage. But just as roses are very beautiful, you can’t just blindly grab them or the thorns will make you bleed. So this is one of those “Danger Will Robinson” posts.

Two days ago Tom Ball self-immolated himself on the steps of the Cheshire County Court House in New Hampshire. If you have the time to read the 10,000 word suicide note he sent to the Sentinel Source, it’s here. The short version being that he slapped his four year old for repeatedly licking him as he tried to put her to bed, his wife called a mental health provider, and from there the police became involved and the situation continued to escalate through the family court system. After ten years of continued state intervention, in a combination of rage and despair at a likely jail term for being behind on child support, Tom set himself on fire in front of the court house and he burned to death.

I have thoughts on this.

(1) That it was unlikely that it was first time he hit someone in his family. Hitting a four year old in the face for licking is being out of control. Verbal warnings to a four year old do not constitute justification for hitting them in the face should mere licking continue. There are other effective parenting skills that could have been brought to bear on the situation. She was licking him at bedtime, so he could have simply said a firm “goodnight” left the room. In 1911 you could bitch slap your kids. In 2011 that gets you arrested.

(2) Most people do not understand how mandatory reporting works. When the wife called for help to the mental health provider, she likely purposely did not call the police and completely unwittingly contacted mandatory reporters, who then must contact the police or risk loss of licensure and/or jail time themselves for non-reporting. When she called the mental health provider only two options existed – the husband arrested, or both husband and wife arrested. So obviously she chose him to be arrested.

(3) That once the wife calls the police on the husband, the marriage reaches a tipping point where the marriage is immediately set on a course for a nasty divorce. This is extremely difficult to recover from even if both husband and wife want to save their marriage.

(4) That the wife isn’t allowed to change her mind, retract her statements, or even attempt to try and explain that what happened was a minor and/or isolated incident blown all out of proportion. She is reduced to victim status by the state and her testimony is regarded as impaired due to the perception that she lives in fear of husband.

(5) That the law enforcement and court system is not so much vicious but essentially as mindless as a runaway combine harvester once a man is exposed to it for domestic violence/child support reasons.

(6) That the current system can escalate the domestic violence situation. Once a previously non-criminal “good guy” is arrested for the first time for something he perceives himself as not guilty for doing or a very minor incident overblown, it may result in a response of greater passivity and compliance out of fear, but it more likely will result in enraging him. Thus turning him from a good guy with an isolated inappropriate act, or with mild behavioral difficulties, into someone potentially very dangerous. That danger may result in simple seething rage and hatred for his wife and the court system, or it may transfer into unsafe action putting both himself and his (ex)wife at risk.

(7) That the current system actually puts women at greater risk in that help may not be sought for minor incidents for fear of the state destroying the family/her husband. Minor incidents can likely be resolved with counseling, education and use of law enforcement as behavioral intervention. Unchecked though, minor situations will continue to escalate to major situations, which require automatic and severe law enforcement intervention. Usually though this intervention will occur after the fact of a critical event playing out. The old joke of “When seconds count, the police are just minutes away.” springs to mind.

(8) This case could have easily ended with the murder of the ex-wife and subsequent suicide of the husband; whether by his own hand or by police bullet it is suicide. This case is remarkable only for the final act of self-immolation on the court steps and the letter to the press. Many men commit suicide once caught up in the family court system, their stories would recount much the same as this one.

(9) There’s probably a young woman walking around completely screwed up from trying to cope with it being all her fault for licking her father after he said stop. Kids internalize parental drama. Knowing as an adult that the licking wasn’t the cause, isn’t the same as feeling like it wasn’t your fault.

(10) There is a total failure of general education of how to be married and a parent in America. This entire disaster could have be avoided with a better understanding of how to act as a parent to control young children misbehaving. There should be some form of basic registration of intent to have a child and mandatory training for parents to understand the law and positive parenting skills to act as a cost effective measure to prevent this sort of insanely expensive to the state drama.

As an important aside…

One notes how I carefully frame my statements to be in the best interest of everyone other than the man involved. There is no question that the man is the worst off in this drama, but he is the least powerful in this situation so appeal must be made to the interests of the state and to the safety of women if anything can be affected for the men.

Happy Father’s Day

(And please keep the comments focused on productive solutions and discussion, rather than simply venting anger. I do understand that the anger is justified, but I have made a conscious and clear choice to keep things on point here. I’ll get to my Beta goodness post tomorrow.)

Filed Under: Monogamy and Marriage 2.0

Is Having Money Alpha or Beta?

June 18, 2011 By Athol Kay 38 Comments

Reader Email: Does having a healthy 401k fall into the alpha or beta territory? How about a nice home? Shopping at the fancy grocery store? Expensive nights out? Tailored suits? Long vacations? Fancy cars? Where is the line drawn between alpha-spending and beta-spending? In a LTR, where money is usually pooled, can alpha-spending still be effective in inspiring sexual attraction? Can it be effective on a spouse?

Athol: Money is simply a store of value, so it is fluid in it’s application of being Alpha or Beta as it can be spent either way. Women will tend to perceive a mans money as being potentially spent the way they would most like it to be spent. Party girl sees a million bucks as a huge party waiting to happen. Homemaker girl sees a million bucks as a big house, a mess of kids and her getting to stay home and not work. Doctor girl sees a million bucks as the college loans gone and an awesome shortcut to a private practice with reasonable hours. Church girl sees mission trips and structured giving. So it’s kinda potent in that sense.

It’s less important than it was 50 years ago, but more money is better than less money when it comes to attracting women for sure.

As an aside, Jennifer and I have always about level pegged income our whole marriage and pooled the money. I always felt semi-stupid buying her gifts with our shared money. “Here’s some flowers, you just spent $10 on them, I hope you like them.” I made a determination early on that all the book/blog money was mine. (My nursing money just goes to the joint bank account) It’s been an interesting dynamic to have additional income and spending that I have control over.

Of course the timing chain on her car went within two days of the first book money arriving and sucked it up to within about $60 lol. So it’s not like I’m a bastard with my new cash. It’s just an interesting dynamic. Most of it is just going to catch up on the bills and store up for the next book for fancy cover et al.

Blogger just “upgraded” it’s interface and functionality. It’s way worse now. So the projected reaching into the back pocket for a proper web design is going to be sooner rather than later as well.

Plus there’s these iPhone covers on Cafepress that make the iPhone look like a Star Trek Tricorder… so I’m seriously tempted just for the sheer geekiness of it all.

I’m also kind of excited to get to buy her flowers once in a while without using her money. Even so, she doesn’t seem to overly respond to them anyway, but I like giving them. Something I’m going to look at a little closer over the weekend..we’re going to focus on streamlining your Beta efforts to require less effort but create more comfort than ever.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits