18 years ago his wife confessed guilt to something moderately inappropriate on the cheating scale. It was awkward and painful, but they got past it and life continued on without anything similar happening again. There were kids, careers and and a home. She got sick and had a total hysterectomy, and that’s turned a lot of her sex drive down. He’s frustrated, so he searched the Internet and came here.
But having read MMSL… he knew in a sickening flash from the past that the something moderately inappropriate 18 years ago, was in fact very likely all the way inappropriate. He told me the details and it fit pretty well that she had been all the way. I told him so.
But it seemed to me to be an isolated incident, followed by nearly two decades of faithfulness. There were no STDs, no pregnancy issues. Just the most horrible WTF-did-I-do experience for her. We emailed back and forth about what to do. Deep down he always knew anyway. He forgave her long ago, just never told her for fear of upsetting the apple cart.
Finally I told him…
“She’s kept the lie because she loves you and didn’t want to risk losing the relationship. You’ve not exposed the lie because you love her and didn’t want to risk losing the relationship.
If there is a way… pull each other’s thorn out.”
I may very well have advised something different to him 18 years ago. But it’s now. 18 years is a long time to carry such a burden.