The whole rough sex and have a go at dominating the female thing is extremely counter-socialization for men that are naturally good at the Beta side of things. We’d like to be soft and caring for our women and that certainly has an appeal outside the bedroom, but not so much inside the bedroom. At least not every time anyway.
One of the problems of girlfriends and wives reading the blog and The Primer is that their vague sense of discontent about their man, suddenly comes into sharper focus and they gain language to express it. Where before they might have unconsicously Fitness Tested, now they simply say “The problem is I need you to be more Alpha with me. I’m turned on by being submissive.”
That’s a whole new problem. Instead of unconciously seeking an Alpha response, now she is consciously aware of wanting one. Plus she’s holding a instruction manual of “how to give an Alpha response” in her hand and wondering why the hell he can’t get it.
What’s happening is she has already arrived at the Captain and First Officer model and/or wanting rougher sex and is now impatiently waiting for him to catch up to her. But it’s hard for a natural nice guy to suddenly flip a switch and pull Conan the Barbarian out of his ass and start ravaging her with abandon.
The obvious danger, with serious consequences, is that he’s totally misreading her signals…
…so even though it might kill the fantasy a little, the solution for the woman that wants it, is to make her signals extremely clear that she’s into it.
I said in an email earlier today to a woman that wants the rough stuff.
“At this point I think you are sending him the wrong message. You aresaying you are unhappy with the sex you are getting, but you keep repeatedly offering him sex vainly hoping that he’s going to “pin you down and just go for it”. Which means your actions are communicating that you want the plain vanilla sex you are getting.
Suggest rather than pursuing him for sex you don’t want, start more actively seeking sex that you do want. If rough/dominating sex is what turns you on, you could experiment with watching porn with those themes and using a vibrator… and not begging your boyfriend to join you. If he wants to join in that’s fine, but you shouldn’t pressure him to do so. You’re just displaying your interest in sex of this type.
The difference between you going “Ooh, Aah” with gentle Care Bear sex with him, and you going “YES! YES! YES! OMG! AAAAAHHHHHH!!! (pant pant pant)” watching male dominant female submissive porn… should be a clear message to him. Hopefully he’ll understand what you want sexually. It probably won’t happen after one or two tries, but it will open the door to conversation and a sense of safety to try this in him.”
It all comes down to the talk vs actions thing. Stop talking at him about what you want, and start showing him what you want.