Girl Game: How To Get Him To Be More Dominant In Bed

The whole rough sex and have a go at dominating the female thing is extremely counter-socialization for men that are naturally good at the Beta side of things. We’d like to be soft and caring for our women and that certainly has an appeal outside the bedroom, but not so much inside the bedroom. At least not every time anyway.
One of the problems of girlfriends and wives reading the blog and The Primer is that their vague sense of discontent about their man, suddenly comes into sharper focus and they gain language to express it. Where before they might have unconsicously Fitness Tested, now they simply say “The problem is I need you to be more Alpha with me. I’m turned on by being submissive.”
That’s a whole new problem. Instead of unconciously seeking an Alpha response, now she is consciously aware of wanting one. Plus she’s holding a instruction manual of “how to give an Alpha response” in her hand and wondering why the hell he can’t get it.
What’s happening is she has already arrived at the Captain and First Officer model and/or wanting rougher sex and is now impatiently waiting for him to catch up to her. But it’s hard for a natural nice guy to suddenly flip a switch and pull Conan the Barbarian out of his ass and start ravaging her with abandon.
The obvious danger, with serious consequences, is that he’s totally misreading her signals…

…so even though it might kill the fantasy a little, the solution for the woman that wants it, is to make her signals extremely clear that she’s into it.
I said in an email earlier today to a woman that wants the rough stuff.
“At this point I think you are sending him the wrong message. You are saying you are unhappy with the sex you are getting, but you keep repeatedly offering him sex vainly hoping that he’s going to “pin you down and just go for it”. Which means your actions are communicating that you want the plain vanilla sex you are getting.
Suggest rather than pursuing him for sex you don’t want, start more actively seeking sex that you do want. If rough/dominating sex is what turns you on, you could experiment with watching porn with those themes and using a vibrator… and not begging your boyfriend to join you. If he wants to join in that’s fine, but you shouldn’t pressure him to do so. You’re just displaying your interest in sex of this type.
The difference between you going “Ooh, Aah” with gentle Care Bear sex with him, and you going “YES! YES! YES! OMG! AAAAAHHHHHH!!! (pant pant pant)” watching male dominant female submissive porn… should be a clear message to him. Hopefully he’ll understand what you want sexually. It probably won’t happen after one or two tries, but it will open the door to conversation and a sense of safety to try this in him.”

It all comes down to the talk vs actions thing. Stop talking at him about what you want, and start showing him what you want.


  1. Candice says:

    I would suggest a slightly different approach! I believe in discussion, negotiation and literal verbal consent when trying something new within a relationship, especially with regard to sex. The negotiation itself can be fun!

    …mmm…you can't make someone into someone they are not. However, I believe most people would truly enjoy sex more if they could really let themselves go and men hold back so as not to hurt their partner, so perhaps that is the first place that I would start if I wanted more vigorous, passionate assertive sex.

    I would say – "don't hold back baby – just do what feels good" and verbally appreciate when he did. Then when we'd got that extra level of trust established, I'd suggest we look at pornography together to get "ideas" to "try out." I'd let him choose first so that he felt empowered and then shyly (I would be truly shy!) point out what I would like to try.

    I'd also treat this as a long term project – as part of the evolution of our sex together. Such a change takes ages to learn and negotiate and may turn out differently from what both partners would expect. I've learnt not to have fixed ideas about what I want, but to delight in what evolves!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Candice, I gotta admit, this is definitely a more direct approach that's less likely to bruise the ego. Skip the "dont hold back baby" bit, though. Still not obvious enough.

    Frankly, I sent blog posts. Some from here, some from (thanks, Athol!). And I texted to let him know what I liked, when he did something that hinted at what I wanted. "You know, you *can* pull harder…"

    Another bit of advice that Athol has given works here, too. Simply ask. Yes, you gotta break the barrier, first, but once you do, you just might open the floodgates! It may not be a slow process to get him to understand, but it's definitely going to open up a long process of experimentation! What fun!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Athol, a lot of what you're discussing here is about what goes on in the bedroom. Do you have any additional resources you can recommend on getting that right? Sex manuals, so to speak. I bought your book, and it is more of a generalist, holistic approach to marriage. Surely there must be something else strictly on how to b@ng the sh!t out of her and make her beg for more…

  4. Anonymous says:

    Anon, you'll have to figure that part out for yourself. It's all so very personal. Since finding Athol's blog and book, I've gone on a quest to simply sample as much as I can. Virtually, of course. There are *tons* of web sites out there, but you have to sift through to figure out what you like and don't like. Then, you have to talk with your partner. Lots. We've shared blog posts, and we've exchanged photos of "accessories" we'd consider using. We've gone to the store and bought some stuff for us to try. We work at it together.

    After a while at this, I don't think there's one answer, hence not one singular guide. Besides, it's *so* much fun trying new stuff and being so open with the one person that I love more than life itself.

  5. Depending on what the woman wants, there are ways to coax it out of your man during sex. If it's just a good hard pounding you are after, the spoken word "harder", either whispered or screamed, can do wonders… especially if repeated with increasing urgency. By the third or fourth iteration he's likely to have overcome any concerns about holding back in order to not hurt you.

    Presenting yourself to him in the doggy style position is also a pretty open invitation to be dominated. Combine that with physical responsiveness and two or three "harder" requests, and most men are going to get it.

    If you are wanting somethign more than that though, like hair pulling, being slapped, or even fantasy rape, then yes it is going to require some discussion. I'd also add: it is important to discuss it afterwards as well. My wife and I have great sex, and sometimes it is rough, but when we started trying to add some of these additional psychological factors to it a few years ago, it was just such a post-coital a discussion that led us to realize that we were both engaginig in the behaviors under the assumption the other one wanted it, even though neither one of us really desired it, and both felt kind of silly with it.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Amen, Eric.

    Yeah. What he said.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Anonymous: I know there are plenty of books (and web sites) out there on how to become better in the bedroom.

    I just wanted to know which ones Athol would recommend, since I respect his judgement and I like his style.

    This doesn't prevent me from "carving my own path" eventually, but it might make the trip shorter to get started with a few pointers.

    Obviously, readers of the blog (other than Athol) are also free to put forward their own selection of books and websites on sexual techniques…

  8. wife10yearsin says:

    I doubt my discovery of this blog and book doesn't end up being a BAD thing for our marriage. It's good to know what I want and be able to put it into words! I bought the book for my husband, left the PDF on our computer desktop and then had to leave town on a business trip for 8 days. I hope to return home to some interesting results, since he promised to read it.

  9. Athol Kay says:

    There's a delicate balance of how far I can push things in terms of content while I and Jennifer are still dependant on others for employment.

    Also I've always assumed that there are hundreds of other websites devoted to sex techinques. So don't need to rush at it for topics.

    I just got punted from Amazon Affliate status as well, so that is a damper on things as well. Grrr.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Establish a safe word.

  11. Anonymous says:


    Obviously I wouldn't you to mention content that would get you in trouble with your employers…

    This blog entry:
    recommends the Sex God Method of Daniel Rose, which has 4 points (Dominance, Emotion, Variety and Immersion), the first two of which sound very much like your concepts of Alpha and Beta. So I was wondering if you thought his bedroom techniques were compatible with your view of relationships.

    They also recommend the Secrets of Female Sexuality by David Shade, America's Renegade Sex Expert. Anybody have an opinion on him?

  12. viagra online says:

    Thanks so that's the trick! I will become Conan The Barbarian

  13. If only these things actually worked. I’d give my left breast to be screwed into oblivion just once more before I die

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