Ready For Our CloseUp

I haven’t shown all the mass media attention we’ve gotten over the last month or so. I had a couple more radio interviews in Australia. The most bizarre one was an interview (that I didn’t give) in an online newspaper in Kenya, but that actually got me twice as many hits as the Inside Edition piece did. It’s online and had a hypertext link, therefore people clicked.
Anyway… the video below is from Television New Zealand who sent their man Tim Wilson up from New York for the day to make nice-nice and get the story.
At this point I’m starting to get a little jaded by the TV/radio/newspaper deal. It’s enormously difficult to get anything close to the core message into a mass media acceptable sound bite and we essentially turn into “Meet the Fuckersons”. Which is fine in and of itself, but it really doesn’t seem to result in many hits to the blog or book sales.
Oh the very bright side though, Jennifer comes across like she enjoys the sex and isn’t being held hostage. Which people always seem to worry about. Her mom worries she’s being held hostage. Her dad worries she enjoys the sex.

Vanishing Manosphere Blogs

Been some vanishings in the night of Manosphere blogs and writers.
Rivelino at Alpha Game went private after being discovered by a co-worker.
Novaseeker had stopped active blogging some time ago, but stayed an active commenter on many. He’s announced retirement even from that.
OneSTDV simply said “I quit”, then explained why and said posting would be minimal. But mysteriously posting has continued. But my experience of announcements of quitting suggests that actual quitting usually follows eventually.
Samson’s Jawbone also announced he would be cutting back on posting too.
Roissy may have changed hands again. It was “Roissy” until late 2009 when it appeared he was vanishing in the aftermath of the Lady Raine thing. Then returned as Citizen Renegade, and now the posting name has changed to “Heartiste”. Maybe it’s just a name change, it just tips off my radar is all.
Blogging is deceptive. On one hand it’s terribly easy to do it badly. On the other it’s enormously difficult to do well. But most readers tend to understand the easy parts better than the hard ones. One of the greatest challenges is to maintain the effort over the long haul. After the emotional high of people liking your writing fades after the first few months, you don’t actually make any money at it comparable to your effort put in to writing the blog. Then it eventually becomes a soulless grind as you slowly start turning into a literary chump.
Thursday morning I got a formal and apologetic email from Amazon.com ending my affiliate status. It’s all to do with a war over sales tax and Connecticut passed a law demanding sales tax on any sales through affiliate links, so Amazon.com terminated all Connecticut affiliates. In practical terms, I just got screwed out of about $2,000 a year. Dammit, I was just excited about the Supreme 90 Fitness DVD link too.
Thursday night I got struck down by a mysterious and sudden GI upset that had me taking naps on the bathroom floor. The soft and squishy bathmat for my birthday a most welcome and beloved artifact. Friday I stayed home and drank ginger ale. Much the same today. Some solids.
So anyway… life continues on.
Sometimes life is all a grind. Sometimes life does sucker punch you right in the gut. But the blog has a meaningful purpose greater than just me feeling good (I give), and it has a meaningful product that people are buying (I receive). So there is a balance.
And also I’d really prefer not to fail at making this a full time gig.

Extending Grace: Moving On After Cheating

I’m getting slightly irked how we are getting sidetracked into MMSL becoming the cheating wives blog, but these are hot button topics and having opened up the can of worms, I have to deal with them. I have a few more posts coming, but I have to catch up with an individual reader question in response to a comment I left on Forgiveness.
Athol: Taking a woman back can very much be the worst Beta move possible. Properly framed however, plus with her geniune repentance, it can be possible to move forward. There’s no requirement to extend grace to a cheater and it must be understood as such by the cheater to move forward.
Many couples can recover from affairs and be stronger for it. Some cannot.
Reader Question: I can’t figure out how to properly frame this so that I can do this. How do you move forward and be the captain after a mutiny?
Okay…
First up let me say this clearly so that everyone gets my perspective from the start… I am NOT an automatic “Kick the Bitch Out” advisor when it comes to a wife cheating. Each situation is evaluated on a case by case basis.
Also while I firmly believe the wife has made a choice to betray the husband, I also believe almost without exception the husband has some kind of area of weakness that has helped create the situation that resulted in the cheating. Her behavior is not excused by his behavior, but it is usually a factor in explaining her behavior. If whatever that weak area of his is, fails to be corrected, the cheating will very likely resume or she will straight up leave him.
Now assuming you have already caught the affair and exposed it to her (Chapter 27 of The Primer covers how), the steps…
Expect The Meltdown. When women are caught and exposed as cheating on their husband, and I mean really the “oh snap, I’m screwed, he knows for sure I did it”, they almost always have a complete wailing meltdown and beg for forgiveness and say they will never do it again, and that they are sorry yada yada yada. This is a 100% genuine experience to them and in this moment they are not lying. What they are doing is running a Time Before Writing survival program, where they display complete submission to you, in order to avoid you killing them on the spot.
Remove All Beta Support: During the meltdown, you tell her to get the hell out as you are through with her. She needs to be the one to go, not you. You staying in the home is extremely important. You also stop doing anything supportive for her, you don’t drive her to work like you usually do etc. No calls, no texts, no emails starting from your end. Start the process of contacting lawyers to begin divorce procedings. The purpose of all this is to give her a proper taste of reality and life without you.
She Properly Apologizes. At some point she will get that proper sense of “oh crap he’s really going to end the marriage” and she will make a far more conscious apology. She is trying to save her skin of course, but she’s also trying to save her marriage as well. She needs to fully own that she made choices against you rather than somehow blame you for your weak area as the cause of her cheating. She needs to admit that you would be fully justified in terminating the marriage for what she did.
She Must Be Repentant. There is absolutely nothing you can do that won’t backfire on you at some point in the future if she is not truly repentant. Repentant meaning she is both sorry and going to change her behavior and not repeat the cheating again. You need to see evidence of this change of behavior before believing it. The other man must be completely cut out of her life and whatever other circumstances are relevant need to be addressed as well. (Like if it happen with a gym contact, she needs to find a new gym etc.)
Understand Your Part and Forgive. Whether or not you decide to stay with her, you should come to terms with what your weak area was with her, and leverage it as a path to understanding why she did what she did, and come to forgiveness and peace about it. This is for your long term benefit, not hers. This is about trying to get past the justifiable rage over the cheating, and being able to reconnect again. Whether that reconnection is to her, or another woman in the future isn’t the issue – it’s just that you can reconnect again. It’s okay to admit the weak area here.
Extend Grace. This is now your choice. Even if you admit you did a bunch of stuff badly in the relationship, and understand why she cheated, you don’t have to continue the marriage. Maybe you just can’t feel like she’s worth risking yourself with again. Or maybe she is. Maybe you were the model husband, but she did it anyway, and yet you feel you can try again. The circumstances and length of the affair is no doubt a factor here. It’s totally up to you. But she must understand and verbalize that if you choose to extend grace to her and continue trying, that she is getting a second chance that she does not deserve.
No Third Chance. She also needs to verbalize understanding that there will never be a repeat of this experience. If she cheats again, you will simply divorce her without discussion, kindness or concern for her privacy. Should you ever gain proof of future cheating, that will be supplied with the serving of the papers.
Start Rebuilding. Admit your weak area and begin work on that. She needs to start rebuilding trust and being open. Counseling together may be very helpful at this point as well.
In time, an affair may come to be regarded by a couple as ultimately a bad thing that served as a wake up call to them both that created a positive change in the relationship. Or it can just be over.
If STDs or pregnancy are potential concerns, you should clarify those issues immediately.
Also much of this applies just the same to other extremely serious “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?” things in marriage. Jennifer and I have extended grace to each other over various issues a number of times in our marriage. Even very good marriages are going to have screw up moments in them. Sometimes you just have to weigh up a couple of dumb days vs years of good ones… and how unbelievably bad divorce may be for both of you.

 

PX90 Clone is $20

I get a ton of advertising requests thrown at me every month and I pass on them all. I can’t stand websites filled with advertising and frankly I flog the book as the moneymaker enough to make everyone feel mildly ill as it is. (Speaking of which… buy the book!)
However…
“Even better than P90X ($120 plus shipping) is “Supreme 90″, only $20 at Target. I’m on day 34, and let’s just say my wife hugely appreciates my ability to do the plank position indefinitely, with harder faster ‘core dynamics’ as well.”
So… $20 for 10 DVDs cloning the PX90 muscle confusion stuff seems beyond awesome as a deal and dovetails into what I’m suggesting everyone do as well. I took a look-see on Amazon and it’s $40, but if you click through to the used and new links, it’s as cheap currently as $20 inc the shipping.
So anyway, I’ve not bought it / seen it as yet, but reviews are generally good. So I’m picking it up myself shortly. If it’s worthless crap let me know return it to Amazon. I believe you will need some free weights as well.
For now at least it makes the honor roll on the left sidebar.

Oneitis Broken —> Batshit Crazy? = Steady As She Goes

AK,
I’ll keep it short and sweet. Had I found and read your blog-book 2 years ago, I would have saved a long term dual virgin marriage, kept my assets, job, etc. I got back involved with an early affair partner, now find myself trying to save her and severe oneitis.
Wow, I lost my balls.
We are not married so that is good, don’t live together, so it hits me between the eyes after reading the chapter on oneitis; I need to go cold turkey, stop the spending, try to do it all. Clearly she will either accept and come back or flee looking for another chump. Without knowing MAP, I did take myself from a 6 to 8 as a 52 year old guy, lost a corporate job, yet launch a successful consulting practice( well into six plus$) and pulling lots of attraction and interest. Women are replaceable…I love it, I’m pretty damn good, just too much of a nice guy..
So the talk tonight will be no trip to Italy, no more home improvements, no more subsidizing her monthly alimony, child support income from her loser ex.
My cost per lay is way out of line.
Another topic is batshit crazy and trying to fix someone that has been abused is a losing proposition, have to be healthy to have heathy.
Keep up the outstanding insight and motivation for recovering nice guys.
Email Update…
AK, well an old dog can learn. You’re wisdom Applies men of all ages. Thanks again,
Btw, update on breaking oneitis. You have a crystal ball. The news on no trip resulted in tears, immediate move to come over and talk, upset, blaming throwing things (BS Crazy), then the other kryptonite–attempt of wanting sex to get want she wanted. Hell she hasn’t climbed on top of me with a tennis skirt( my weakness) in ages– No dice. And she is an 8–I stood firm. Then the use of her kids, I’m disappointed them, the shame crap. Not working. I never said the relationship was over, just reframed. I want a commitment for affection, warmth, and sex. It feels great
Athol: This all sounds like a marked improvement. However, I would watch the Batshit Crazy angle very carefully. Her throwing things at you is seriously uncool. Recommend getting a phone that has good video recording feature and should she ever start throwing things again, start taping her tantrum as your defense that you were not the one escalating the domestic violence. And end the relationship.
That being said, she may not be Batshit Crazy, just seriously acting out over been called on the carpet for her poor behavior. May have been just a major reseting of the relationship. So steady as she goes.