Sexy Move: Hit Her Big Red Easy Button

Mr. Kay-
First I just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you for your book. It has changed my marriage over the course of a weekend. I had been previously familiar with Game, even using some of it to land my wife. But then I back slid into beta-ness and our relationship was souring. Via the magic of the interwebz, I found your site and purchased your book. After devouring your book, I went back to applying Game concepts to my life. And BAM! Magically our relationship is back on firm ground, moving nicely forward. So Thank you!
My dilemma: My wife finds it difficult to orgasm via vaginal intercourse. She can occasionally ‘get off’ on top, but even that has its difficulties. I have given her an orgasm orally. The problem is her favorite way to achieve the big O. That is for her to play with herself while I lick and caress her breasts. It’s definitely not my favorite thing to do, but I do it about once a week for her. It just feels so damn weak and beta. Even before I read your book and reclaimed my alpha status, it felt as though I was surrendering something by getting her off like this. So I only do it once a week so that it’s like a treat for her. She has stated that it is unfair of me to now want to do this for her every time we are intimate. I respond by saying that if she wants orgasm every time we copulate she needs to figure out what is preventing her from orgasming (a couple of times she’s told me that she “almost came that time, I just couldn’t”) I think that there is some sort of mental block (shame?) that prevents her from giving in and fully enjoying sex.
This leads to my question: Is it beta for me to be doing this for her? I want her to achieve orgasm, but I don’t want her to just view me as a ‘vibrator’.
Thanks again for everything you do for men!
you have some misinformation about women’s orgasms. The fact that your wife can orgasm from vaginal intercourse puts her in the 30% of women that can ever orgasm from just vaginal intercourse. That’s “ever” as in ever in their entire sexual history. So rather than her difficulty being a problem, it’s actually excellent luck on her part that she can.
It may interest you to know that Jennifer has never even once had a vaginal orgasm. We’ve done it where she has orgasmed with my penis inside her, but she has to finger her clit to get there. The issue is just simply how far the clit is located proximal to the entry to the vagina – anything further than 1.5 inches away basically rules out unassisted vaginal orgasms. Your combined sexual skill and willingness to make a vaginal orgasm happen aren’t as much of a factor as you might think they are. Trust me, we tried on this one for a while and all we both got was sore. (Well actually I did orgasm too, but I was a little sore)
The most excellent news is that your wife is very aware of her body and what makes her orgasm best. She’s also willing to speak up for it too, so she clearly has no shame issue here. She’s making herself responsible for her own orgasms. That’s an excellent thing. If she’s responsible for her orgasms, then you are to an extent her vibrator. Just like she kinda becomes your fucktoy.
Helping her to orgasms is a Beta Trait. It’s a very positive thing and she will have a major oxytocin reaction bonding herself to you when she has those thundering orgasms from fingering herself while you play with the boobies. My hunch is on those nights where she gets her favorite sexual thing, she is more interested in getting you your favorite sexual things.
So this may sound a little harsh, but right now the thing stopping her from orgasming every time is… well, you.
Seriously, who rations orgasms? Why are you denying her favorite sexual thing? What would happen if she played that same game back at you? Are you with the orgasm police? (Okay, so now I’m being harsh, but Jennifer got her car keys out and was demanding to know your street address… I’m pretending to do some body blows here to make her think I’m dealing with you.)
Just think of it as going on a date to a restaurant – let her order what she wants to have, and you order what you want to have. She gets hers, and you get yours. You both get happy.
Hope that helps. And anyway, if you feel overly Beta after all that, a few playful swats on her ass makes an excellent palate cleanser.


  1. Stephenie Rowlings says

    Heh I love Jennifer intervening for the sake of a sister…waaay to go!

  2. Anonymous says

    My wife very, very rarely orgasms from intercourse. She focuses too much on me while we're at it. Our regular routine is for me to go down on her until she comes and then she's taken care of and I can get mine. I have felt that somehow I'm not doing my job well enough by not making her come through intercourse, but reading something like this makes me feel better. I just discovered your blog recently, Athol, through Instapundit, and you've definitely clarified some things. I also realized all the things I was doing RIGHT and didn't know it! Thanks much.

  3. Candice says

    I have found that orgasming during penetrative sex with a new partner is often a matter of a lot of trying, experimenting and learning.

    You might trying having sex with your wife in the spoons position – you can touch her breasts and she can stimulate her clitoris. Then you achieve orgasm while in her vagina, which can feel really nice for both people involved!

    Good luck! C

  4. Anonymous says

    What gives with me then? I almost exclusively have orgasms with penetration man on top. Other positions don't quite get me there (occasionally). Masturbating while a hard penis is right there and available seems unnecessary to me.Would be very sad if my husband's penis didn't do it for me.The stimulation and pressure of him inside of me is enough to send me over the top. It doesn't seem that the clitoris is the sum total of orgasmic potential.

    Wouldn't a woman need to be over all sensitive to the mental and physical foreplay that help build the orgasm,too? Maybe that is an area to be explored.

  5. Hubs1 says

    Hey, nice email and post. Emailer, back in March 'Anon Woman' suggested that I visit Betty Dodson's website (link to comment). Strong recommendation for the Hitachi Magic Wand ($60-$70 or so from Amazon), with advice on how to start with it — not necessarily what you might think. This helped us on the road from zero O's to something… now waiting for it to be sent back after repair :-(

    Like AK said, think of yourself as lucky that you and she already have something going in the female orgasm department. That's a great base to build on.

  6. Stingray says

    I heard something (somewhere, can't remember where at all, sorry) that only 7% of women are consistently able to orgasm from penetration. So, for all of you women reading who can, congratulations and enjoy it! You are of the lucky few!

  7. Anonymous says

    Anon 8:57, I'm with you. While clitoral is great and all, there's *nothing* like feeling my husband nailing my gspot just right.

    As for the original question-asker, I get your point, but don't look at this negatively at all. Don't give up, but don't pressure or feel pressured to do anything more than what you two do best. Your sex is up to you. If she wants to explore more, go for it. But if the two of you are happy, don't let us make you think you're a failure.

  8. ~Kitty says

    In what world is a guy gettin his fill of sweet titties while his woman pleasures herself not totally freaking HAWT? Oh wait — maybe in a world where the guy has entirely over-thought it and managed to conclude he's servicing his girl. Hmmmm.

    How about you do it like that cause it turns it on like a gong and has a mindf*** value of +gigazillion? How about that? How about you drive her so crazy she can't keep her hands off herself? Sounds "alpha" to me. Just saying.

    You control the paradigm here.

  9. Phil Mueller says

    "In what world is a guy gettin his fill of sweet titties while his woman pleasures herself not totally freaking HAWT?"

    That's what I'd like to know! To each his own I guess…

    In any event, demanding that your wife come the way you like or not at all isn't being alpha, it's just being an asshole. Meting out infrequent orgasms "as a treat" is exactly the sort of attitude that would be roundly (and rightly) condemned by the manosphere if the tables were turned. As Athol says, the mental block is yours, not your wife's.

  10. e.p. says

    Another position to consider is woman facedown on bed with you on top. She can diddle the bean while you massage her breasts, you are on top and in her, both alpha/dominant. Also works nicely with a vibrator.

  11. Kat says

    Athol, I love your advice to this reader. I especially agree with, "My hunch is on those nights where she gets her favorite sexual thing, she is more interested in getting you your favorite sexual things." That is SO true.

    I also chuckled at you comment about the "orgasm police." You're right on the money with saying that this gentleman is more fortunate than he knows.

  12. Flahute says

    Emailer, don't get hung up on the alpha/beta thing in the bedroom. If I were you, I'd do that for her every time she wants it. Your challenge is to keep it from getting stale. I'd be playing her squeeze box and whispering naughty things in her ear. Then, as soon as I feel that her orgasm switch has been thrown, I'd penetrate her immediately, while she's still shuddering from her orgasm, so that she never comes down, and give her a good horse fucking to see if she can cum again.

  13. Robertson says

    I'm the poster from 8:00 this morning, figured I'd get a name. To Candice, we've tried that. It's kind of good at first, but neither of us can get off that way. To Anon 2:44 and Flahute, I hear you. I don't feel that way quite so much as I used to, and she certainly has no complaints. I guess the thing is that even though our sex is really, really good, we do things generally the same way each time. I suggest things from time and time and she's game, but we usually fall back into our routine. I will say I've learned from this blog and I'm more dominant in bed, which does seem to turn her on a lot. So that's good!

  14. Katy says

    I'm another lady who always orgasms from her husband's penis. Never had an orgasm from tongue/fingering. So that's probably just because my anatomy is in a good place? There has to be more to it than that…

  15. Badger says

    "I'm another lady who always orgasms from her husband's penis. Never had an orgasm from tongue/fingering. So that's probably just because my anatomy is in a good place? There has to be more to it than that…"

    Dated a woman like this. Couldn't climax in doggystyle either. Honestly it sort of limited our sexual expression to more banal positions, but it was satisfying to get off together.

    End TMI.

  16. Anonymous says

    I used to have a really numb g-spot, to now being able to almost climax from intercourse. Never in my life have I felt anything coming close to orgasmic from intercourse. Strictly clitly, before that. I never even thought the G-spot existed until about 2 years ago.

    I read an article once, by a chinese doctor, that a woman's g-spot can be impotent, and that the reason so many women don't respond to penetrative sex is because of lack of blood flow and certain hormones. I'm not sure how much truth is in this, honestly, but I've heard from a few of my female friends that they became more orgasmic in this area either post-childbirth or somewhere in their 30s.

    I'm in my late 20s so it's either that or the fact I dumped the vibrators. The change also coincided with my meeting my fiance, so it could be partly him. Who knows!

  17. Robertson says

    Oh my. I have to commend you, my friend. After a week of immersion in your blog and a few of the other excellent ones you link to, I had a very, very nice weekend with the wife. Just the alpha kind of attitude I picked up from so much reading. Attitude being the main thing. I was not a brute, but much more forceful about initiating, and during, and wow did it work. In fact, I had written that first anonymous post about how my wife rarely comes from intercourse … in fact fewer than a half dozen times in as many years, but I'll be damned if she didn't the other day. The overall reaction stunned me. I mean, reading this blog has resulting in many moments of smacking myself in the head while shouting, "of course, of course," but I'm still absolutely gobsmacked that the whole thing worked EXACTLY AS ADVERTISED.

    I have a question for you, though. I rubbed right up against the point at which she was starting to wonder, mmm, what's going on here. I don't want to share this blog with her, as it seems that acting alpha would be sorely undermined by it being traced back to what is in effect a "how-to" manual. I was wondering how it is that you can share the secrets with Jennifer without losing points for pure alpha manliness. Is it that you're the font of wisdom rather than the student?

    Thank you again for sharing the wisdom.

  18. Athol Kay says

    Robertson – Jennifer likes smart men, and I'm demonstrating smart, so it's a plus.

    At some point your wife is going to start thinking you're cheating on her or about to. Suggest blowing your cover then.

    Besides. You owe me a book purchase anyway ;-)

  19. Robertson says

    *Smacks head again* You're right. Initiative, taking direct action. You're right on all counts.

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